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I'm having trouble dealing with some recent issues. I've had two seizures since December. The docs are "pretty" sure that they were caused by a combination of meds I was taking and some other influencing circumstances. I'm having trouble with two things.

First, I can't drive until I've been seizure free for at least six months. I understand why. I get it. It still really gets to me that I have to surrender my license and have to depend on others (mostly my husband) to get to work or the doctor or ANYWHERE, really. I know that it's best that I don't drive because (1) I could hurt someone if I have a seizure while driving and (2)because I'm not driving, I'm almost never alone, which is good in case I have another seizure.

Second, I'm scared of having another seizure. I'm kinda just waiting for the shoe to drop, so to speak. I don't know if/when it's coming. I have no "warning" when it happens. Both times I was walking one minute, then on the floor, bleeding (first time hit my head, second time bit my tongue), the next. It is BEYOND scary to me. I just wish I could go back to never having had a seizure. I'm stressing myself out because of the whole "unknown" aspect of the situation... which might actually lead me to another seizure. The stress, that is.

So I don't know if I'm making any sense. I don't feel like I am. The "rational" part of me is whispering, "Radical acceptance!" And I know I need to head in that direction. I am just so scared of what might still be coming my way.

I can totally understand both of those problems. I would be very anxious, I know, about having another seizure. Is it going to happen? Where and when? What if I hurt myself worse next time? It's embarrassing/scary/etc. What if I keep having them? And so on. And then the loss of independence. That's always been something that's a biggie for me, especially since I don't have a husband or anyone to take me places -- or to even notice if I get ill or hurt at home and can't call for help. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my license for some reason -- how I'd get to and from the grocery, appointments, church, etc. I can't afford to use taxis all the time. Plus the whole notion of being dependent on others is something that is profoundly scary for me. I don't want others to have to put themselves out for me. I don't want to be thought of as a bother. I know part of it is that I feel unworthy of that kind of attention from others, even if it's freely offered with love. That's something I have to work on.

I don't know what I can say that will make any of this easier for you, because I don't have the answers. It's the old head/heart disconnect for me -- rationally, intellectually, I could, if I were in your shoes, affirm to myself (and radically accept) that this is the way it has to be for now, there's no reason to believe it's permanent, I trust the doctors I have chosen to care for me, my husband loves me and won't resent having to do extra stuff for me, etc., but in my heart of hearts, I'm still scared and emotional and vulnerable and afraid that there's more bad stuff to come and my husband will resent me or leave me and on and on. All the negative crap that a person with BPD can conjure up.

(((Trinity))) You'll get through this, one way or another. Come on and vent here when you get overwhelmed -- there are a bunch of people who care for you and will try to help hold you up.

Thanks, Sari. While it's nice to be understood, it's still sad that you get where I'm coming from. It's not a pleasant place. And you're right, it's a complete head/heart disconnect. I mean, the last seizure happened at my new job in front of 50 people. And while my supervisors and co-workers were nothing but wonderful when I came back to work, I still wonder if they think I'm a freak or less than they are in some way. I think I'm making things worse in my head.

Oh, no worries. I'll come vent if I need to!

(((Trinity)))

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It IS scary, I have been there myself (I've had seizures). They didn't take my license away, but they could and maybe should have. I know that helpless feeling all too well....but you are not totally helpless. Your thoughts and actions can effect this.

Is there a way for you to transfer all that focus you are giving to the 'what if's' to something more like: This is what I can do and I have to leave the rest? As in, focus on the things that you can control with as much energy as you seem to be putting into the things you can't. Take the 'what if's' you have and boil them down.....plan for every situation so that you feel some sort of control (at least you can have a joke ready to diffuse the tension when/if it happens again, or you can plan for the act of 'coming to' in case you have another).

You can keep yourself calm. You can exercise and eat right. You can meditate on your body healing itself--be mindful. You can lessen the chances of having another seizure with just your mind. What make you feel grounded as a person? Do that, often.

I'm a big believer in the body-mind connection....but I too suffer times when that is not the case. What I'm thinking is that you can reconnect to your body's own natural healing process. Give your body the optimum chance to correct itself.....by thinking about the positive side of things and doing what only you can do to heal from within. You can shift where that energy is going...instead of worrying about what you can't control, worry about ways you can control the situation.

I know it's difficult and you don't feel like it (at least, I didn't). It IS scary, but acknowledging that fear for what it is (an emotion that is temporary) and doing the small things you can do to help yourself may prevent a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't think anyone will feel you are 'less than' because you have a seizure in front of them.....it's just scary for them too, they don't fully understand it. Sharing the facts of the situation might help them understand better-- including how scary this is for you. They probably, especially your H, feel frustrated they can't help. Allowing your H to drive you places can help him feel as though he is helpful to you, just be appreciative. I'm sure he wants to help you....this is one way he can, let him.


You are right. Switch it around so that your thoughts/actions make it better! If you have the capacity for one, you have the capacity for the other. Oh, and Sari's is right.....there is no reason to think this is going to be a permanent problem for you! There is an equal, if not stronger given the reason for the seizure in the first place, reason to think that it won't. Choose the more positive take on the situation!

Harmonium, have I told you lately how awesome you are? You make perfect sense. I need to put myself into the right frame of mind to help regain my health. Work out, huh? I haven't worked out since my first seizure in December. I've scared myself into NOT doing certain things because of the seizures. I need to take care of myself, but I can't keep myself from doing EVERYTHING out of fear, which is what I'm doing right now. I have to find the balance of what's healthy and what's pushing myself past my physical limits. It's all about balance.

Exactly.


Oh, and thanks for the compliment. You're pretty cool yourself; try not to forget it.

(((Trinity))),

Just want to say I'm here, and I care. The others gave you great advice. You know, we all live in a precarious situation but we don't think about it. Well, I do, but that's my negativity and BPD talking. We don't know if the roof is going to crash on our heads at any minute. I know that's unlikely, but what I mean is that life is always uncertain, but it doesn't help to dwell on all the "what ifs". You're not on those meds now, so it probably won't happen again. It's natural to be scared, but you can't let those feelings rule your life. I'm rooting for you!

Thanks, Wondering. I need at the rooting for I can get!