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I am wondering what people's strategies are for dealing with the borderline "chronic feelings of emptiness", boredom and general dissatisfaction with one's life...

I write a 'gratitude journal'-- 3-5 things, even simple things, that I am grateful to for in my life right now. I've been doing it for years now, so I can look back over things and see how much 'fullness' I actually have in my life rather than the 'emptiness' I sometimes feel. I also count things like eyesight and the ability to walk as some of the things I am grateful about........using reality to check my emotional compass, as it were. My life could always be, and has been before, worse than it is today. I try to keep the Now in perspective.

Also, if I am 'genuinely' dissatisfied with some aspect of my life (meaning it's not all in my head, there is something I am doing that just isn't working for me), I work very hard to change it. I used to hate my job; I worked hard to find a new industry and new career. I used to hate where I was living; I moved. I used to be bored all the time; now I fill my time so that I am entertained, mentally and physically (including meditation, it's done wonders for me!). I had to plan to make these things a reality, but I did and now it helps.

Work to change what you can and find a way to love (or at least accept) the rest. Sounds simplistically easy and it is not in fact simple or easy. But all that work pays off in the long-term, it works.

Right now I feel like I am filling the void in my life with food.....must stop doing that. Those all sound like great ideas Harmonium but I feel that I lack the motivation to start doing any of them The gratitude journal will probably help me if I can just get started with it. Maybe then I will stop comparing my life to others' lives. That is where a lot of my dissatisfaction is coming from. And anger, depression, loneliness, frustration...

For truly filling that void, I recommend getting to know your Genuine Self.

If you don't think you have a Genuine Self, then I'd say start by trying to define who you want to be. (That's one of the little 'perks' of BPD no one ever really talks about -- you get to become the person you've always wanted to be!)

Sorry you're struggling, NaM. Harmonium had some great ideas. I especially like the gratitude journal. I really should do that, too, though I sort of do it in my head. It would be better if I wrote it down, though.


When, within a year's time, I was hospitalized twice on the psych floor of our local hospital (for a month at a time) and got divorced, plus lost the job and career that I'd loved, I lost most of my "friends" (funny how they disappear when you're in trouble of some sort) and my house (moved from a nice house to a small townhouse apartment). My exh was and is well-known in town, and we had had a certain amount of "status" here, even if we didn't compete financially with the very wealthy who live around here. He still has it -- I most certainly don't anymore. I felt like a total nothing. I wanted to hide from everybody, did for a long time, and still struggle against that. I compared myself negatively to everyone.

It's poisonous to do that. It does you absolutely no good, and you will be doing yourself a real favor to fight back against it. Again, not easy, but important. For me, I forced myself to remain involved at the church I attended with my husband before we divorced. (He has quit going.) At my worst, my attendance was really erratic, and when I did go, it was to an early morning service with the fewest people, and very little socializing. I felt "less than" everybody. But slowly, just by making myself be there and taking the effort to look people in the eye and say hi, I realized that I'm not really "less than" anybody. Not "more than" either, for sure, but just another person on the rocky road of life. There are people there who are rich and well-dressed and have it all together (at least on the outside), but there are also folks less well-off than I am, whether it be financially, or health-wise, or whatever. There are still times when I don't even know why I go -- I feel very far away from God and like I'm a total hypocrite for being there. But I go anyway, because it does help put things in perspective for me -- very definitely helps me feel grateful for what I do have. Nobody there (at least none that I know of) is comparing me and my life to anybody else's and pronouncing me inferior. Inferiority is a state of mind, not a physical reality, and I'm trying with all my might to fight back against that mindset.

I'm not saying you should go out and join a church if you're not religiously inclined. But there is probably something you can be doing that would help you with this. Volunteer your time somewhere, doing anything, for people who are having even more trouble in life than you are. I know you said you lack the motivation to do much, but realize that by relying on that explanation, you are choosing to stay in that funk you're in. I'm not trying to be harsh, here, just real. There is no fairy godmother who is going to suddenly appear and sprinkle some pixie dust and our troubles are going to be over. We have to choose to work on ending them ourselves. There's so much that's "not fair" -- and most of us have in some way or another suffered from stuff that's very much "not fair." But complaining and not doing anything to fix things isn't going to make anything more fair. We have to do the work.

Don't try to re-invent the wheel here. Pick something small and doable, and start there. Then add something else in. I know this is hard and it sucks, but it's life. The chronic emptiness part of this disorder is the single most difficult part of it for me on a continuing basis. It's a constant struggle, even doing the things that I do to combat it. But I'm not giving up, and I hope you won't either.

Wow, thank you for your wonderful responses. Ash - is there more on "Genuine Self" somewhere that I can read? I do think that the emptiness has a lot to do with a lack of identity...

Sari - what a nice, thoughtful response. I have actually applied to work for a pug (dog) rescue group. I used to volunteer for another rescue but had to stop when gas prices got so high because a big part of it was transporting the pugs to new homes. Then I got too wrapped up in my former relationship and stopped doing the things that I really enjoyed. Maybe that is why I am feeling a big gap in my life right now. Now that I am not with him anymore, I need to get back to doing things for myself and have not yet. I think helping the rescue group will be very fulfilling for me.

But, in the day-to-day duldrum of life...sitting here at work, getting caught up in my crazy head, re-hashing my relationship, getting disappointed with my current position in life...how in those moments do I fight the emptiness I feel?

All day today I have been obsessing about my ex BF and his freaking kid and how unfair it is to me that he has the kid, he is happy, and I can't even have a dog in my new apartment!

NaM, thanks for the kick in the pants -- I posted these blurbs (from the book) about the Genuine Self here. Hope it helps!

If Ash reads this, thanks for the posting on Genuine Self. I thought it was really awesome!

NAM - First of all, I want to give you a big hug! I totally relate to how you feel! I have been through a lot of this in the past year and have found certain things immensely helpful, especially this board.

I have a hard time at work, too. I work with computers and sometimes I get so caught up in my head that I'm not very productive. I don't know if this is the right answer, but for me, I've found that the only way to fill that void is to live the way I'd like to be. Doing things that I enjoy and believe in.

This is not related but at work I listen to CD's of various comics. It helps keep my mood up throughout the day. I'm naturally a worrier and a catastrophic thinker. I also get really obsessive (though not as much now) about relationships. Listening to comedy helps me distract from those thoughts.

In my spare time I do ALOT of volunteer work. I go to AA meetings. I call people who are going through a rough time. I do lots of things that take me out of my head and force me out into the world. (but it's important for it to be a safe place..not just anywhere) It's always hard to get started. When I'm down on myself, I think that how bad I feel right now is how it's always going to be.

Until I force myself to get out and do things. Then I start to feel self esteem because it's hard to hate yourself when you're helping someone else. I also get my companionship needs filled because most of my volunteer work involves people. Even if they are just acquaintances they are people and I derive benefits from being around them.

I was having the crappiest weekend because a friend of mine didn't call me back and then I went with a volunteer group of mine down to skid row in downtown Los Angeles and passed out lunches to the people living on the street and I was floating for the rest of the day. I was that happy.

It's really hard when relationships don't go as I want them to. Or someone I'm involved with isn't as healthy as I'd like them to be, but I guess for me it's important that I build up my own life and have my own goals, separate of other people. It's the only way I've gained some sense of self and serenity in the past few months.

All of the things I do (especially the volunteer work) give me a sense of purpose, which is why I think that hole is there. You can fill it up with God, or whatever gets you out of bed in the morning that isn't dependent on people. Whenever anything in my life depends on people for my sole source of happiness, then I am asking for a one way ticket to hell.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling. Or if what I'm saying doesn't apply to you. It may not. I am one person with limited experience and limited knowledge. This is just how I'm wired and all I can offer you is my own experience. :-)

I am not a therapist, only someone who TOTALLY understands what's it's like to feel empty. I think what everyone posted on here is just wonderful and I really appreciate you bringing some light to this topic.

Sending lots of warm thoughts your way!

Ash -
Thanks for the info. on Genuine Self. That was not meant to be a "kick in the pants" - just a "where can I find more info." but glad it helped I do need to find what really makes me happy - my life is certainly lacking direction in that sense.

Hi lbcgal,
WOW there is so much in your post that I can relate to - I just don't know where to start! First of all, thank you for posting!

YES exactly what I need to try to do!

ME TOO! I think I need to find a healthy distraction and distracting by diving into work just doesn't do it for me since I HATE MY JOB!
Volunteer work is also something that I have always found very rewarding. Actually, just this week I got back involved with pug (dog) rescue and I am so excited about it already! They (the founders of the rescue) are all commenting on how enthusiastic I seem to be and how great my energy is! So that is making me very happy right now. Unfortunately, I still let my mind slip to my former relationship and how terribly that turned out and how lonely I feel now, etc. etc.

EXACTLY ME on all points. I lost my sense of self in that past relationship. It was unhealthy but I was working so hard at making it right that I lost who I am.
I KNOW that I have to sit down and come up with goals for myself and start working on improving my own life but it is just so hard to get up the motivation, you know? Like the depression just weighs you down and makes you feel so tired and hopeless and you say "to heck with it" and just slip back into the old, unhealthy habits because they are what you know and what is comfortable Plus I can't seem to let go of him/the relationship. I feel so wronged and I think I want some kind of vindication or something. If I walk away, he still gets to be happy and go on with his life but I just feel stung and wounded and alone and empty

I can really relate to this as I am also very much struggling to "fill the void" not that Chris and I broke up.

? for Calista - is Sark! the author's name? I'm not sure what you are referring to. Thanks!

oops NOW that C and I broke up, not NOT that C and I broke up. Hmm .... interesting subconscious mistake on my part. lol.

I have "Transformation Soup" by Sark. You're right - they are great books. Never read the whole thing - maybe it's time to pick it up again!