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 Post subject: What was your breaking point?
PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 1:57 pm 
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I'm curious... for those of you here who consider yourselves "recovered" or "in recovery" or "no longer BPD"...

What was the moment when you decided "that's it - enough of this - I need to get better!"?

I mean, I have felt that way a lot. I have said it a lot. I have looked at the "Tools" section of this page, even printed them out. But I keep falling back into the same borderline cycles. Right now it is a little heightened because I am going through a break up, having a hard time letting go of a relationship that I really wanted to work out but know is not good for me, and I also recently lost a friend. So I guess I am feeling a lot of loss. But my reactions to the losses are borderline and not helpful.

I recognize the "cycles" and the unhealthy behavior and the impact it has had on my relationships and the potential it has to impact/destroy/sabotage future relationships... and as I am trying to move on from the prior relationship and keep open the option of future ones, I know that I have to find a way to avoid falling back into those cycles.

What will it take for me? I have lost R because of it. I keep trying to pull him back but then I do stuff that will only drive him away again. I don't want to just say "maybe relationships are just not my thing and I am meant to be single" and give up. I want to change but I guess I have not had that "at the breaking point" moment yet. So what was that moment for you all?

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 Post subject: Re: What was your breaking point?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 7:59 am 
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What will it take for me? I have lost R because of it. I keep trying to pull him back but then I do stuff that will only drive him away again. I don't want to just say "maybe relationships are just not my thing and I am meant to be single" and give up. I want to change but I guess I have not had that "at the breaking point" moment yet. So what was that moment for you all?


If you are still doing things to 'pull him back'......I don't think you have convinced yourself you have lost him.

The goal is also not to give up completely (i.e. meant to be single forever)-- we try to find middle ground, remember? What about being single for a while and getting your stuff together, then maybe reaching out to another person for a relationship? Seems to me that the most important relationship in your whole life (the one with yourself) is being neglected. Heal that first, then a relationship with another will be more doable.

Quote:
I mean, I have felt that way a lot. I have said it a lot. I have looked at the "Tools" section of this page, even printed them out. But I keep falling back into the same borderline cycles. Right now it is a little heightened because I am going through a break up, having a hard time letting go of a relationship that I really wanted to work out but know is not good for me, and I also recently lost a friend. So I guess I am feeling a lot of loss. But my reactions to the losses are borderline and not helpful.

As long as you continue to give yourself excuses...i.e. 'I've tried' or 'this and that is happening'-- whatever-- it is still excuses. It somehow implies to me that you are not in control of yourself, your emotions. That you are simply a by-stander watching the building crash down, not the one with the detonator. Guess what? You do hold that detonator, and until you reconcile that, you will be victim to your own emotions.

Not everyone has that 'one, breaking-point' moment......for many the change is slower, more gradual. What's it going to take for you? Only you hold that answer.

I will say that I believe something about being dysfunctional is still more appealing to you on some level than recovery. It's a choice, whether you are completely conscious of it or not. If you are continuing to choose dysfunction, there is a reason. Find it and begin the healing there.

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 Post subject: Re: What was your breaking point?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 12:14 pm 
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Quote:
I will say that I believe something about being dysfunctional is still more appealing to you on some level than recovery. It's a choice, whether you are completely conscious of it or not. If you are continuing to choose dysfunction, there is a reason. Find it and begin the healing there.


I think you may have hit the nail on the head here, Harmonium. Thanks for your very good advice - as always :)

I don't have a lot to say right now but wanted to thank you and will write more after I do some thinking/reflecting. I am housesitting and the computer here is ridiculous so I don't know when I will be back online but as soon as I get back to my computer or maybe even the one at my Mom's house I will be back...

Thanks,
NAM

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 Post subject: Re: What was your breaking point?
PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 5:35 pm 
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I think what did it for me was a situation that happened with my husband when we were first dating. This is the first healthy relationship I've had and I was being my crazy self one day. I was triggered by a vacation we took. I wasn't used to sharing him, and suddenly, there was his sister and nieces to "compete" with for his attention. If he was paying attention to them, it meant I was nothing and didn't matter. I freaked out and upset him so much he was going to leave me. I realized that unless I figured out what was truly wrong with me and make an effort to change, I was going to be miserable my whole life. That got me seriously into therapy where I finally got my BPD dx. That changed everything. Between therapy, the right meds, the community here, and my husband's support, I've gotten to a place where I feel healthier than I ever have before.

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 Post subject: Re: What was your breaking point?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 5:14 pm 
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I think it just hit me a couple of hours ago actually. The thought of really losing my T and being unhealthy for the rest of my life showed me that I don't want to go through this for the rest of my life. I want a job and i have the perfect opportunity to get a great job. I have an interview in the morning. I am so borderline LOL. I have ruined a relationship with my T and that's not ok with me. I didn't realize until today though that i am strong enough to heal. I hope this makes sense.

Roo

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 Post subject: Re: What was your breaking point?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 5:48 pm 
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EXACTLY Roo! I am hoping that the loss of my BF will be the breaking point for me. Hopefully now I will really start working on this stuff! I don't want to keep destroying relationships like this... I have already started working on stuff, like I told you in another post :)

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