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What will it take for me? I have lost R because of it. I keep trying to pull him back but then I do stuff that will only drive him away again. I don't want to just say "maybe relationships are just not my thing and I am meant to be single" and give up. I want to change but I guess I have not had that "at the breaking point" moment yet. So what was that moment for you all?
If you are still doing things to 'pull him back'......I don't think you have convinced yourself you have lost him.
The goal is also not to give up completely (i.e. meant to be single forever)-- we try to find middle ground, remember? What about being single for a while and getting your stuff together, then maybe reaching out to another person for a relationship? Seems to me that the most important relationship in your whole life (the one with yourself) is being neglected. Heal that first, then a relationship with another will be more doable.
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I mean, I have felt that way a lot. I have said it a lot. I have looked at the "Tools" section of this page, even printed them out. But I keep falling back into the same borderline cycles. Right now it is a little heightened because I am going through a break up, having a hard time letting go of a relationship that I really wanted to work out but know is not good for me, and I also recently lost a friend. So I guess I am feeling a lot of loss. But my reactions to the losses are borderline and not helpful.
As long as you continue to give yourself excuses...i.e. 'I've tried' or 'this and that is happening'-- whatever-- it is still excuses. It somehow implies to me that you are not in control of yourself, your emotions. That you are simply a by-stander watching the building crash down, not the one with the detonator. Guess what? You do hold that detonator, and until you reconcile that, you will be victim to your own emotions.
Not everyone has that 'one, breaking-point' moment......for many the change is slower, more gradual. What's it going to take for you? Only you hold that answer.
I will say that I believe something about being dysfunctional is still more appealing to you on some level than recovery. It's a choice, whether you are completely conscious of it or not. If you are continuing to choose dysfunction, there is a reason. Find it and begin the healing there.