BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Everyone,

I've been "out of pocket" as the saying goes for a while now and I sincerely apologize for my absence. I do wish that circumstances were different and could allow me to spend more time here as I have in the past. I feel like I've lost touch with a lot of the community - there are new names that I don't recognize and I've lost track of some of the "old timers."

I've never been a fan of the Times of High Drama but I also don't like seeing such quiet around here.

It's been a pretty rough battle for me, personally. I want to be here. I want to participate and focus on what people are saying and really get into things with folks. Lately, however, I have virtually no time to myself to come here. Where I used to have a few hours each work day that I could use to focus on BPDR (and/or school), I'm now finding that I barely have a moment to slow down long enough to be here. As of right now, I'm simultaneously typing this post, participating on a conference call, fielding emails and chatting through IM with my co-lead of the Activities Committee about "Bring Your Child To Work Day" -- an environment & task list hardly conducive to delving into the tough emotional issues of Borderline, ya know?

I feel bad and I wish I had more time for this place. I don't forsee things changing for me any time soon - at least the next six months - and I'm kind of at a loss of what I could do or commit to revitalizing the community.

For those who struggle deeply with abandonment issues, I am really quite sorry that I've been pulled away into real life but I hope you recognize and accept that I'm not intentionally abandoning the community.

I'd really like to see status updates from other folks - what you've been up to, what you've accomplished, what you're working on, what you're proud of - things like that, just to get reacquainted.

i dont know you too much. but you've been a help to me in the past. it gives me hope really that you are struggling to find time - independent of real life - to come here. it signifies for me that i can attain a normal life. while i do not wish stress on you, it gives me hope that you are "normal".
i use this site more than i did. i (semi-voluntarily) spaced out sessions with my T and i have found it hard and lonely and this site is a real asset in times of intolerable pain.

i initally started posting on this site, as an inpatient reject who struggled to make it from week to week crisis-free without my T. i am in college now. i am part of some college clubs - i have many friends - a handful who know the extent of my trouble. i find college hard. i struggle with huge anxiety and finding my way on this path (what feels like alone without my T) is difficult. many times i thought i had reached the bottom of the barrell. and only now am i digging deep - alone - to survive the stress that everyday life seems to heap on me. and yet there is a silent buzz. i have deadline, i have exams, i have a lot of work to do. i feel i belong to a communtiy. i have a purpose. sometimes i feel like i am drowning in the loneliness of college life, but sometimes even if its just for an hour, i feel i am going somewhere. that i might perhaps drift back into life much the same way i drifted out of it.

i am fighting. it is not easy or pretty. it is not graceful. but i am here. clawing my way from day to day. continuing to hope that i will find peace and hope within my own head

Fidget,

It's great to hear that you're in college - so am I! LOL (Mine's all online but it's still filled with deadlines and such.) It's fairly easy to feel lost or engulfed in the vastness of college. It was easier in a smaller high school setting where it was more likely that people knew who you were but now you're just one person in tens of thousands of people on campus.

Clawing your way, day to day, is pretty much the essence of recovery. You've just got to keep moving forward if you want to get anywhere.

Glad we can be here for you on the rougher days.

Hey Ash,
Stop trying to be superwoman - and apologizing for not meeting your own high expectations of yourself! I understand that people look up to you and look to you for guidance on this site but if anyone here can't understand that you (all of us really) have busy lives outside of this website, then they have their own issues to deal with! Ha. You of course were the driving force behind BPDR but now that it is up and running pretty well, I think it is perfectly fine for you to take less of an active role and pop up whenever you have free time. NOT that you are replaceable, but I have noticed others taking more active leadership/mentor roles. Have you had much interaction with Harmonium? She is an example of someone who is really stepping out to guide and help others. I know that I have been very inspired by her and she has helped me a great deal.
Good luck with your school work! I am thinking about going back to school too because I am SICK of my job and need to find something that actually makes me HAPPY or at least holds my interest!
- NAM

Thanks for the kind words, NAM.

Truth is, there are many people who frequent this site that are helpful and inspiring. I know I appreciate all of them. I think I just wind up with a lot of 'down' time to visit..........

Honestly, it was something Ash said to the community recently that has spurred my increased involvement:
"If your not part of the solution, you're part of the problem" or something to that effect. We were having a discussion about the many 'changes' going on at BPDR (some people leaving, less posts, etc). I realized part of what made this community so very helpful to me at first was the people who would respond to all the posts (not just mine and not necessarily 'one' person in particular). It reminds me of an old Buddhist mantra: Be the change you wish to see in the world. I figured if I wanted more involvement from BPDR, I had to give it. So far, the theory is proving accurate.

Best to you, NAM and to Ash-- I appreciate your recent posts. But NAM hit on something; this place is your baby, but it is a community forum. It takes all of us for it to work. I second NAM's well-wishes to you!

Ash, I'm finding myself in a similar spot. I finally have a real job, not one of the easy jobs I've had in the past. I can't log on to the site at work, and when I get home, I'm so mentally drained from the day that I just veg in front of the TV. My "weekend" is now Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so those are really the only days I've found myself coming to the board. I feel pretty bad about it. This place has been a part of my life for so long, and I really feel like I'm letting it down. So, I get you. I think we're truly doing our best. And isn't that what we should do?

Ditto what Trin said. I miss everyone here and the sense of purpose helping people gives me, but until work is less crazy, I can't be here much either. I think we just have to remember
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Not that we abusing ourselves, but guilt can sneak up on anyone.

It's funny - the times I've spent here have been some of the most emotionally draining and/or exhausting times in my life. There have been some pretty intense issues explored around these parts and I'm finding it a bit amusing that I miss that aspect of it - that I still consider this place "fun."

What's weird is that part of the reason I wasn't able to respond to much of anything in this thread yesterday is that I spent the bulk of my day chatting with a friend at work about the upcoming "Take Our Children to Work" day that we're involved with as part of the Activities Committee as well as her relationship issues with a guy whose behaviour really smacks of BPD. I was really jazzed and sharing all sorts of things with her, on and off throughout the day. (While still handling meetings, emails, issues, etc.) But it was "fun" getting back into dealing with BPD itself.

So anyway, yes, I have noticed and sincerely appreciate Harmonium's continued efforts around here.

NAM, going back to school has been quite a challenge (especially with, as Trinity said, "a real job") but it's going to be worth it. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself! LOL At the very least, the coursework has been intriguing. Maybe not some of the assignments or the quizzes/tests but the reading has been interesting.

Kari, thanks for the back-to-basics reminder: Always do our best. I can live with that.

I know that BPDR has been a part of my life for several years now but at times I am more or less involved than at other times. I did not realize how long it has been since I last logged in until I was already here and then it surprised me that there were not even two full pages of "new posts" since my last visit. It does look like things are quieter around here lately and I have to say I like it better quiet than when there is so much drama that I feel "disconnected" from the community aspect of BPDR. I am feeling more like a "stranger" here than ever before but then I no longer get involved in discussions like I did before. It is odd that I am even here tonight because I was up all night last night and wanted to get to bed early, but then it is barely after midnight so it is still early for me.

There is so much happening in 3-D for me as well that it can sometimes take all my energy to get through a day. My biggest stessor right now is that my 18-year-old daughter moved in with her boyfriend last week, leaving all her mess behind for me to deal with while my husband is already moving into her room. My husband and I have been separated since September and I did not have plans of ever living together again but he has decided that he is going to live here so that is the way it is. At least he pitched in $400 for our overdue electric bill to keep our electricity from getting shut off yesterday. I sort of wanted to keep my daughter's room available if she needed to move back home since she left so unprepared but now all I can offer her is our camper van if she needs a place to live.

Unfortunately my daughter is fixated on the one thing I could never give her - a penis! When I saw her today she had a shiner while both her and her boyfriend gave me different stories about how she got it so that concerns me as a mother, even though she thinks she can take care of herself. She is living in a two bedroom apartment with two other couples so it is already overcrowded before you add in all the other people coming and going, including the police and probation officers. I want to believe that she is not using drugs and alcohol but since she has lied to me before I can't believe her when she says she is clean and sober. I just hope that she has the opportunity to live through her mistakes and make a decent life for herself. I am not responsible for her decisions any more so I have to let go and let her make it on her own. It is just hard to do since I care about her so much.

Ash, apparently your whole life no longer resolves around BPD & you've become an example of "healthy happy living" by your own definition? And your apologizing for this why? I'm slipping back in after several months (?) absence, as I tend to do when occasionally I feel myself on the verge of slipping back into "BPDland" for a few days, I can see how things are slow, but I have yet to type in the web address & have it inform me the boards have been shut down....whatever you are doing to keep things "up" even if they aren't "running" is appreciated on my part.

HR/Heather

Ash, you are living your life. I'm thrilled for you. Do you miss the chaos of having your brain run in cirlces? As long as you can remember the days, like I do, when my brain ran around like a shithouse rat on meth, then these days of functioning healthy are a reward. You are living the results of hard work. Enjoy them.