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Every day when I've finished work I must face going home. The idea of it, if I think about it, is ok, but every day, on the way home I either burst into tears, or have to fight bursting into tears.

I forgot it was like this.

When I was with M, for the last year, it was ok. I enjoyed those evenings at home alone, bc I needed them to catch up on my own life. But most evenings I spent with M, and I always looked forward to that.

It's not that I'm particularly even missing him. It's the alone part that's the problem. Now I don't smoke cigarettes or pot anymore, somehow those things seem to be what I crave. I do drink. But only a couple of glasses a night. I figure it's better than getting into cigarettes and pot again.

This isn't new to me, nor is it any kind of a mystery. This is codependence, loud and clear, and not to be confused with loneliness, although I do get lonely too, not to be confused with codependence.

But I am so SICK of it f*^&king with my brain every single night!!! I have to go through this whole process of radically accepting my fate each evening, move through all of the f%$&ing tools I've learned, just everything every night. I'm so SICK of it!!! I had a relationship and it seems to have set me back bc for a year I didn't have to practise any of this bullshit and now I'm so out of practice I have to do it every single f^%$ing day!!!

My language may indicate how strongly I feel here.

It just makes me so sad that I've been in recovery for so long and I have to keep working at all of this as hard as I ever have. I'm feeling terribly sorry for myself, but the improvement is so slow and I guess I feel that my dedication to my recovery deserves a better reward than this.

When I was with M it seemed so much easier to take care of myself. I was compelled to. Now, alone, I feel I've lost the impetus. I realise this is the codependence itself. But taking care of me for just my own sake, well, I guess I don't see the point. Although the point is to stop this nightly bullshit.

Tonight I'm tense and close to tears. 2 weeks ago I was bawling at this time every night, so I guess there's my rapid improvement. Thing is, I know this won't go away altogether in any time frame. Perhaps that is exactly where I'm being self-defeating.

Man, some days I just get so sick of being this way. It's taken such an ENORMOUS toll on my life and I just want it to STOP. It won't miraculously stop because the scales are balanced or even just bc I want it to. F&%k it! I have to MAKE it stop. Erggghhhhhhh!!!!

You talk about co-dependence and loneliness. What about grief over a lost relationship? You don't mention that. It's normal to be sad, down, after a relationship ends. Not a BPD thing, something most everyone feels. I suspect that is part of what you are feeling. How does that fit in?

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time, Sarah. I wish you well.

Reading your post....I can't help but thinking there are many 'shoulds' and 'musts' wrapped up inside the words. Is there an element to perfectionism going on for you? These types of thoughts just lead to frustration and anger for me too.


Have you Really been working on 'recovery' while in a co-dependent relationship? Real recovery or just the appearance of such?

Yes, it seems in ways you are back to square one.......but-- maybe this time around you will choose to focus the recovery on the more pressing issue (which seems to be your lack of self-esteem on your own/co-dependency?). While alcohol, pot and cigarettes and even self-pity can be a comforting escape from reality.....it's just that-- a way to escape yourself; a momentary comfort, not lasting health and happiness. This is one thing you will never truly be able to escape. Maybe hitting it dead-on would be a faster method to recovery?

You are not a victim of some cruel twist of fate. Our lives are products of our choices.

Exactly.

I sincerely hope for you that this morning finds you in a better frame of mind than last night. This is doable, although the work entailed can be trying. Why not for tonight you plan some things to look forward to after work? Something you can just enjoy, maybe even something indulgent (healthily so, not more avoidance)......seems the 'alone' time is always easier for me if I have a plan for it. Setting long-term (and even short-term) goals and working out the way to get there...........maybe even figuring out what exactly it was about the relationship (that you can do on your own) that helped you to 'forget' about all of this? It wasn't just HIM or being part of a couple that made it 'work' for you; you were part of that equation too. I'm thinking some of those tools or techniques while in a relationship would still be useful to you now with the relationship to yourself? They may have to be adapted to the 'alone' part....but surely some basic emotions or self-care or thoughts or something was going on then that you can recreate (at least in part; a beginning) in the now?

All my best to you!

Ellen

I have been grieving the ended relationship, but I don't think it's dominating the experience I write about here. Trying to keep grief separate from codependence, because, in the past I think I have mixed them up a bit, only to find one is healthy and the other isn't.

Harmonium

Thanks for your comprehensive response.

Shoulds and musts? Well, it's a fine line isn't it? I mean, recognising that my behaviour isn't healthy gives me an aim for healthier behaviour. That could read as "I should be healthier (and therefore not behave in XYZ fashion)" or "I want to be healthier (so need to learn how not to behave in XYZ fashion)". Yes, I can see a great big "should" in the thought "I should be more recovered than this by now". Sure.

I think that I have been working on my recovery whilst in my relationship with M. You call it a codependent relationship, which I'm not sure I agree with. In that particular respect I'm very happy with how I treated those codependent aspects of myself within that relationship, and in fact I think that M was a great person for me to be with in that respect. Not only did he understand that side to me, but he would not enable my codep. I think that is part of what made us a good couple for a while there.

I suppose if the position I'm in at the end of the relationship is no better than before, then it does read as being an enabling relationship. However, I think that with my own experience of codependence, it's actually very difficult to find a relationship which will not slightly feed the aspect of codependence of fearing time spent alone. Unless I'm seeing a naval officer or someone who spends long period away from home, I will find that I am spending a large proportion of my time with my partner. I also observe that this is pretty normal, and spending this kind of time with a partner confronts me with different aspects of my BPD-related issues, thus giving me opportunity to contiinue the recovery process. I'm sure not everything about my relationship with M was absolutely healthy, but overall, I do feel like, in terms of my history and my BPD that we did a good job (I did a good job). So is spending time with someone by default enabling codependence, I don't think it has to be, and in my case it wasn't. But being alone can't be done WITH someone. We did have 2-3 days apart a week - we were hardly A-frame, ya know?

I think I am hitting it dead on right now, and when we broke up I knew this was what I'd be facing. I had the option of taking up cigarettes and pot again, as the crutches they'd been before I was with M. But I knew that if I did this, I'd be forever int his codependent cycle, always needing a partner rather than being an independent, healthily autonomous person. I have felt the fear of not having these crutches, and have been quite surprised at how much cigarettes are a part of my codependent behaviour. Who'd have thunk?

So, in that respect, this is the first time I actually have been alone - no boyfriend, no cigarettes, no pot, no binge drinking, no picking up the wrong men...all of the "addictions" I've leant on to avoid my codependent nature in the past. So, seeing as it is the first time I've been so "independent" then, I guess I could say that this does reflect on the quality of my recovery work in the past. I have always avoided this predicament, and I was never gonna learn to be alone whilst avoiding it.


Yeah, the mornings are always better than 6pm - home time.

Harmonium, I do lots of things to ease the pain of facing home alone - planning activities both in and out of the home, with and without people etc. I have a whole list of things I can do when I'm in that frantic state. Yesterday, well, yesterday was a whine about having to even have a list, or make plans, or any of that stuff that I guess I define as "normal" or "healthy". Finding the impetus to put these tools into action is in itself a recovery step, as, well, this self-care stuff is a constantly manual exercise, requiring perseverance and discipline to go against my tendency (hello! I'm not alone am I?).

I'm glad for this opportunity to collect my thoughts. Realising how much those cigarettes and marajuana have perpetuated my codependence makes me see that this experience is different - meaning it might actually be temporary and something I'll get through. Last time I had those things, but I worked so fucking hard. I forced myself to go in plays, meeting no-one (bc I find it hard to make friends, funnily enough, as a result of this self-esteem shit I struggle with) , join groups, do yoga, meditate, exercise etc. It seemed back then that I had to do these things for my survival, not bc I particularly wanted to. I just don't want to have to think so hard all the time, just like a diabetic doesn't want to have to watch their sugar intake and have insulin shots....does everyone really have to? Is self-pity a comfort? Well, it actually feels worse than self-empowerment, but I think self-pity has a place. It's ok to acknowledge that what I'm experiencing is hard (otherwise we wouldn't have 12 step programs, books, therapists and whole dedicated forums providing help and support for it) and the only choice I didn't have was being this way to begin with. I post on the night I'm feeling sorry for myself, which doesn't mean that moment epitomises my every waking one. It has a place. We acknowledge the place that pity for others has, but when it comes to pity for ourselves it's something else. All in moderation I say.

I don't know about the above quote......I just don't think like that anymore as it wasn't conducive to my over-all recovery. Instead, I try to live in the moment, the NOW. Then things become more choices than 'should's'. I view everything as a choice nowadays......"I should be healthier (and behave in XYZ fashion" becomes "I wish I were healthier, that's the goal. In order to get there, I will choose to do XYZ." or "I should be more recovered by now" becomes "I choose to act in a 'recovered' way for this moment alone". The next moment, I have another choice to make. It'a all choice, not ''should's' because 'should's' make me feel shame and guilt, which I don't deal well with. But, that's just me.......you have to figure out what is gonna work best for you to reach your goals.


Sarah, I haven't the foggiest if your relationship was co-dependent or not. In the interest of not assuming anything, I was going off your original post where you said:


In any case, I'm glad this thread or whatever has allowed you to process things a bit further. You definitely have a different 'tone' that I am reading in the latter post.....of course, maybe that's just my interpretation.


I totally agree that spending time with someone doesn't have to be co-dependence. From my own perspective, I began my relationship with my H in a very co-dependent place. Now, with a LOT of work, I do not feel like we are co-dependent, although we do spend much time together. For me, the quality of the time is different, better. I'm not constantly afraid he will leave, I do things I know he doesn't like because I still like them on my own......I guess I have more personality now; more coming into my own if that makes sense. I like it!


NO, you are certainly not alone in this feeling. I know I got sick and tired of it often, but I kept choosing to do the work. I will also say that because many of these tools become 'habits' and habits tend to flow more naturally.......I feel like for myself anyway, I'm kinda 'resetting' my 'natural' default switches. It's not 'work' to do the healthy thing anymore. The more time and practice with this stuff, the more 'naturally' or maybe habitually it comes. It's beginning to be where I don't really have to think about it anymore (except on this site) and all that strict discipline I've been employing seems to pay off in spades.....my tendency lately has been to do the healthy thing, far different than it used to be. It feels normal now, in ways. I don't know if this will happen for you, but it sure is for me and I hope you find it too. At first it was like a diabetic taking shots........but the more I worked, the easier that becomes.....now it is to a point that it just flows. I don't know how else to describe it, but I don't think the hard work will have to happen so diligently for the rest of your life.....that's not the case for me anyway.


I totally agree; I wasn't trying to suggest otherwise. It's not the polar swings I look for, it's that happy place somewhere in the middle.

I gave you such a thorough response before because it seemed to me like many of your posts lately have mentioned 'giving up' completely.....I've been worried to be perfectly honest. I hope you choose to keep fighting the fight; and know that we can relate and are here for you when it gets overwhelming, which happens to all of us now and again. Really, Sarah, I wish you the best.