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I'm apprehensive about my upcoming session. Until today, the last time I spoke with my T was at my last session, January 6th. I wanted to see if I could go 4 months with no contact, and I did it! Almost 4 weeks, not quite.

It's not just a check-in visit. I feel like a lot of my problems are still with me, including my attachment to my T. I also strongly feel that my social problems are never going to get solved. I just have to live with them. I still feel rejected very easily, and am jealous of others. I don't feel like I love myself, either. I get overwhelmed quickly and life seems too hard. I'm getting old and have more health problems. Even though I lost 15 pounds, I don't feel better.

I didn't talk to my T yet. I left a message, and she left me one back. She said she will be "delighted" to see me. I wonder how delighted she will be when she hears my problems. I want her to be proud of me. I don't want to fail therapy!

I tend to "rehearse" sessions, and then I'm disappointed because they aren't emotional the way I wish they would be. I am looking forward to the session, but afterwards won't be able to look forward to another one for months. I suppose if I really, really feel like I need another session, I will schedule one. Four months is a long time, but $100/session is a lot of money.

I just wanted to get my thoughts out here. One positive aspect is that I truly believe that I have gotten the love I wanted from my T. I was thinking about wanting her to love me, and then realized that she did and does. I wanted to be accepted for who I am, even though I'm imperfect. I wanted to be cared about, and not ignored or rejected. I wanted my feelings to count. I didn't want to be invisible. My T gave me those things, along with a feeling of safety. She does love me! I don't have to see her to know that. It will last even after the session is over.

What I still haven't mastered, though, is how to love myself. There are too many things wrong with me. People ignore me. They usually choose to sit next to and talk with someone else. I never fit in; my whole life I was different. Nothing really has changed in all of these years.

I'm glad you're going to go see your T, wondering. You've done really well to go 4 months with no contact.

I know your T cares very much about you -- yes, I can say she even loves you, in a way, not the same as a parent or a spouse necessarily, but in that special "T" way that is total acceptance and availability to you during your sessions together.

Even though you feel like a lot of your problems are still with you, I still think it's undeniable that you've made progress -- you've survived without your T's weekly input for 4 months, and that would never have happened a few years back!

I don't have a solution for you -- if I did I'd be a superT myself! -- but I guess all I can say is keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other, even if they're baby steps you're taking. If you can't love yourself -- a concept I have trouble with myself -- then can you try to just accept yourself? No one is without flaws, and if they think they are, they're impossibly conceited and not worth emulating at all. I can so relate to what you said about feeling "different" all your life, and being the one nobody talks to. I usually feel that way myself. But still I try, to some extent, to work on that, by being the one to talk to the person sitting next to me first, so s/he can't disappoint me by not talking to me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I don't know. I'm trying to just accept me as me. I know I'm imperfect as hell, full of flaws, and I don't really get "loving" myself, but it seems like if I just accept that I am who I am at this moment in time, things go better for me.

I hope you won't spend too much time rehearsing your T session. After 4 months, I'm sure there's a lot you want to talk about, but the likelihood of the conversation going exactly as you want it to are slim to none, and if you let yourself get distracted and upset about that, you'll lose the value of what you do talk about with your T. So try to relax, and let yourself be in the moment of being with someone you care about, who cares about you and will listen to you, and hopefully it will be a positive experience for you.

Sari,

Thank you for responding to me. When I see it in writing, I have to admit that it is true that I've made a lot of progress. I remember when I couldn't even last 4 DAYS without calling my T. But I'm still attached, and now I'm getting those excited sexual/sensual feelings that I hate, when I think about her and my session. I know we don't have trigger warnings, and not many people are reading the board anyway, so I hope it's all right to post the above. My T knows about that reaction to her and my sessions, but there's not much she can do or say about it. My former T said I get childish and adult feelings mixed up. I certainly don't want anything sexual with my T, but I get turned on anyway. I think rehearsing my sessions in my mind makes it worse, but it's hard not to obsess about my upcoming session. It's the feelings I want to replay, more than the exact words.

It's so hard to find the right balance between working on this attachment problem, and my other issues. I've been okay for 4 months, but making the appointment triggers the feelings. It's like I can't have love without being in love. Or something like that. I have discussed this with my T. I just don't seem to get past it, or know what the answer is.

I am going to post this, though I probably shouldn't. I have to try to make sense of my reactions before my session.

I'm glad you posted about this, Wondering.


I agree that doing this is probably making it worse for you. What are you doing to not obsess? What tools are you trying?


Your T can't do anything about these things, only advise YOU on how to improve your habits and control your own feelings. T's don't do this stuff for us, they assist us doing it for ourselves. If you want this stuff to change, you have to change it.

Along those same lines:

If you don't feel as if you will ever solve these problems, what are you gonna DO about it? Seems to me like you have a choice......accept some of this and move on, or work to change it. That's a bit black-and-white, but I think some things are.

What will it take for you to feel better about yourself? What needs to happen? What is your ideal situation with all of this? Why?

I agree that you have made much progress, Wondering, and that can be celebrated and acknowledged.....but I don't think you're done yet.

I wish you well with your T session!

Hi wondering --

I saw your post late last night but I was too tired to respond ...

Don't worry about posting what you did. I'm not going to judge you in any way. I haven't personally experienced what you feel about your T, but that doesn't mean I think you're a bad person or anything. I'm glad you've discussed your feelings with your T -- it's best to be honest with her. I think the idea that you "can't have love without being in love" is really interesting, and there's probably some truth to that. You're mixing up the emotional and the physical to some extent. You're also mixing up erotic love with a more general, global sense of love. I hope you will continue to talk to your T about all this. The only thing that would really concern me about all of this is if you made the appointment with your T *only* because you wanted to re-create these sexual/sensual feelings -- that I think would be not so healthy -- but otherwise, if you want to talk about how you manage your feelings, and not just about her but about your overall social discomfort, then I think it's OK.

I hope you will continue to work on self-acceptance as a step toward self-love. We really are OK even if we aren't perfect, aren't the life of the party, aren't as good-looking or vivacious or rich or whatever as the next person. What we are is what we are. We can always work to change the parts of all that that are actually changeable, but some of it just is, and it's better to accept it and ourselves and move on.

And do try not to continue to obsess about and rehearse your appointment. I really think that's not helpful, and only reinforces the sexual feelings. Since you seem to be troubled that you have those feelings, you need to take steps that guide you away from them.

I'm sorry if I'm not making total sense at the moment -- I'm very distracted by a family emergency (I'll post about that separately), and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to get back to the board in the next few days. But I hope things work out well for you. Hang in there!

In my experience, the best way to deal with unwanted feelings is accept them, and don't feed them. Accept meaning, not thinking I'm wrong to have those feelings, not trying to fight them (which only makes it worse). Don't do things that are going to feed into the feelings. Also, how I put my feelings into words can make a difference. Using balanced wording for my feelings helps in sorting them out.

Harmonium: Thanks for your input. I hear you telling me over and over that I have to do something to change, that my T can't do it for me. You sound just like her. I know you're right. It just seems too hard.

What I'm doing not to obsess is just letting the days pass. I'm still exhausted from my trip and the cold I still have. I had a very busy week, and when I'm at work all I think about is work. It's before bed that I think about my T, or when I'm not doing anything to occupy my mind. I'm so tired that it doesn't last long. It's just that the feelings come over me suddenly. I'm trying to think "okay, this is old stuff and I can either enjoy the feelings without feeling guilty, or think about something else. I think it's best that I allow myself the 'luxury" of indulging those feelings for a little while, then it's off to real life. It's better than years ago when I had to call her because I "missed her so much."

I thought I had accepted myself and my social limitations. It's just when I attend functions where I'm left out, I feel terrible. I did try to talk first to the person next to me last time, but the person on the other side of me ended up talking "around me" to her about something I couldn't participate in.

I want to be able to enjoy myself more at these functions, but I really would rather not go at all. I have to, though. At least most of the time. I don't have a solution other than to try my best. That's all I can do.

I feel better about myself when others praise me. I can't get away from needing that. I know, rationally, that my self-esteem and self-worth do not depend on what others think, but emotionally, I think I'm nothing if others do not compliment me. I have to stop thinking like that and validate myself more. Affirmations haven't worked so well because I don't always believe them. So, I don't have a solution for that either.

Ellen, I think I understand what you are saying. Accept my feelings, but don't feed them. Balanced wording? You mean, like instead of telling myself "You're really abnormal for having these sexual type feelings about your T, and you'll always be weird" to say "It's not so healthy to think this way about your T, but you know it's not your fault, and your T told you they are sensual, not sexual, so you're not weird."

Sari, you've got it right when you say I'm mixing up erotic love with a more global type of love. I don't seem to be able to separate them, at least when it's about my T. I don't have this problem with friends or anyone else, just my T.

To be very honest, I think the reason I stayed in therapy so long, and was so attached to my T and therapy is because I always did want to recreate those sensual/sexual feelings. I always wanted my sessions to be more emotional, and more physical, which to me means crying. I liked the high I got from therapy, but a lot of that was emotional.

Yet I had/have other issues and always worked on those in therapy. I have other issues to talk about, not, and I made sure that I did not schedule a session "just to see her". I'm very conscious about NOT doing that because I know it's not healthy. It's also more of an anticipation "thing". When I'm in my session, I don't feel those feelings, though I do afterward. It's kind of confusing to me. I just have to put it aside and concentrate on the help my T can give me.

I do have the idea in my head to bring up that I'm still attached to her, though. I have to tell her that. So that's kind of how rehearsing goes. I have all of these feelings and thoughts to tell her.

Sari, you have made good sense and I appreciate your taking the time to write me, especially in light of your mother's illness. I feel like you understand, and that's sometimes all I want/need.

That's more complicated than what I was thinking. The example in my head is not "I don't like him", but instead, "I don't like things about him". It's the same feeling. In this case, a feeling of dislike towards someone else. I think it relates to shifting one's perspective. Different wording, and a different perspective on the feelings, but the same feelings. But, I think you got the basic idea.



I tend to think love is love. It's relationships that vary. What's important is knowing what the relationship with a person is and being true to that. As I see it, the difference between erotic love and friendship love is choice. Choosing to have sexual expression as part of the relationship, or not choosing that.

Does this feed the obsession or relieve it?


I don't think it's abnormal for you or anyone to relish in praise from others. It's normal in my mind....maybe just a matter of degree. When you Entire self-worth is placed in the hands of others....well, that doesn't leave you responsible for much of anything does it? Degree.

If you keep telling yourself you "can't" do something, anything......well, how can you accomplish a goal you yourself do not see as realistic? Maybe begin with smaller goals? Maybe change the language of your thoughts? What would sound more realistic to you in this frame of mind?

Also, you don't HAVE to do anything. I feel like telling yourself you have to do this or that and then not coming through with it is a form of invalidating yourself. It's not a have-to; it's all choices. I believe recognizing that is helpful to recovery.

Ellen: I get what you mean about love. Of course I'm not choosing to have any sexual relationship with my T. I just don't know what to "do" with the intense feelings. Just accept them, I suppose.



In most cases, it relieves it. Otherwise, I punish myself and obsess about how I'm never going to get over this. Better for me to accept that "I'm still a work in progress", as my T used to tell me, and then go on with my day.

I agree that it would be better for me to have smaller, molre realistic goals. Also that everything is a choice. I thought I had come to terms with my shyness and behavior at social functions. To some extent, I have. I don't expect to be a social butterfly. I have to work on not taking things personally. People are NOT rejecting me. They are just choosing friends to talk with. I do the same when I'm sitting next to someone I know better.

I know I'm worthwhile, but the rejections add up and make me doubt it. That's why I like/need the praise. I want to be able to remember that I have basic self-worth and don't need the praise of others to confirm it.

Sorry if I'm rambling and not answering your questions. I'm not feeling physically up to par--trying to cope with that too.

hi wondering....i just looked at this posting again....and i didn't read every bit of it...but I did read the part that caught my eye....the part of being sexually attracted to your T.

I remember that happening to me once.....and I decided to talk about it with my T....with clear boundaries stating that I don't want to do anything....but that I'm perplexed about why I'm feeling this and thinking things....

her response was very helpful for me.....(I also shared with her that I had these feelings with a lot of people over the years....not to act on...but just thoughts...)

she said she thought it was a way to take control of the relationship. when i feel threatened somehow i find solace in the idea of taking some form of control by seducing the other person.

I'm not saying I like this about me. I don't. But talking about it and thinking about her words has helped me to really get over it for the most part.

i still have a tendency to sexualize any relationship i have with a man......by flirting and in that way manipulating so that I get my way....(again...not something I like to admit...but it is true and is still something i'm focusing on changing everyday.)

if any of this rings a bell with you great...if not....well then you just know a little bit more about me.

Whatever works for you I think is a good thing. I just sometimes question if this method is really working for you (considering you still have the problem) or if you just want it too. Of course, I'm on the outside looking in only at the bits you share on-line....I really don't know the reality of this situation.....but you do.


I know the 'rejections' do tend to add up for you.......what would it be like for you if you allowed the good points to add up in much the same way? It seems sometimes you skip over or just skim the good and focus on the bad. What if that were opposite?

Remember the graphic with the circles of victim vs. accountability? Posting that somewhere you can see it often I think is a good idea for many of us, myself included. Of course, trying the accountability parts while recognizing the victim parts is necessary for that to help, lol. We can't just look at it, we have to try to move to that upper circle.


There is no need to apologize to me! This is your thread, do what helps you. I'm sorry to hear your not physically feeling well, but that too will pass.

(((Wondering)))

Hi Wondering

I totally relate to what you are saying...though it feels like a distant memory!

I was wondering why you are going back there at all.

Has there been some major crisis or event that means you can't cope on your own?

I don't mean to be blunt, but I was thinking as I read your post...that maybe it's more about getting that 'high' than anything else. And if you can work out when you are vulnerable to wanting/needing a 'hit' you could sit with the cravings and urge to see her until they pass.

If it really is that you need the help...I wonder if it would be more productive to see another T? I can't imagine how you could ever really get down to work with this one, with all that unspoken stuff, all that highly charged emotion in the room. And 'working on it' absolutely can intensify it, IMHO.

Susanna: Is it really you? It's been a long time, and I'm glad to see you on the board, even if it's to tell me something I don't want to hear, LOL! How are you doing?

I did see my T, and the session was all right, but afterwards I obsessed about things she told me. I finally called her after a week to tell her what was bothering me. Then she told me I had a "neurotic attachment" to her. It was a terrible coversation. She said if I'm so miserable, I shouldn't see her. I left her a message later, then I cried all night. I talked to her again, and we straightened it out, sort of. If it's torture for me to see her, she says I shouldn't. If I can handle my feelings afterwards, then it's all right with her. So it's up to me, not her.

I can't stand the thought of never seeing her again, so I am not making any decision now. What I am doing is getting very much involved with other activities, and trying to make my connections with others deeper and more meaningful, as a way of weaning myself away from my T. I want to get that "high" from real life, not from my T. I agree with you that I want it from my T. But I don't get it from her anymore. I also like the way she helps me with other problems in my life. Not crises, but my issues that I wrote about in this thread.

If I saw another T now, I know that I would try to attach in the same way I did to my current T. It's too soon, and I'm too vulnerable. I just know it, and I can't risk that. I believe that I CAN work it out so my T is available to me, and I can see her without obsessing afterwards. Maybe I'm being unrealistic, but that's what I want to do. I have to make others more important than she is, then I can still see her as my T, as needed. I would really like to be able to accomplish that. I just have to look at the situation differently, and not "look forward" to a session in a certain amount of time. Never having contact with her again would be too traumatic for me. There's got to be a middle ground, and I'm going to find it.

Wondering.....WOW!!!

That has to be the most positive, productive-sounding post I have ever seen you write on this topic. I'm so proud of you-- I KNOW you can do this!



Again, WOW! Set your goal and plan on how to get there. I'm impressed!

Harmonium: THANK YOU!! I didn't expect your response. I didn't realize I sounded so positive. But I really do mean it. I am going to accept the good, healthy part of my attachment to my T, but I am not going to involve her in the obsessiveher part of it anymore. I'm going to invest in real life. The dividends are greater!