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I know it's been really quiet on the board, and I've been trying to check in fairly frequently and respond where I can, but I'm probably going to be somewhat absent for a bit, and I didn't want anybody to think I'm abandoning you or the board.

My Mom has been struggling with dementia for a long while, and now it appears she's probably going to die within the next week. She became extremely agitated -- basically psychotic -- last week -- delusional, angry, yelling and hitting and throwing things. The last time I talked to her she said things were terrible, there were cats that were breaking her bones. She was also refusing to eat or take her medication. After a lot of discussion with her medical care providers, it was decided to get some sedation into her, keep her comfortable, and let nature take its course. So she's been sleeping quietly since Sunday, has had nothing to eat, and is finding it increasingly difficult to swallow even a few sips of water. So it will probably be all over by the middle of next week, give or take a few days.

I'm going to be flying up there either tomorrow or Saturday to see her for the last time, then I'll probably come home for a bit, then go back up for her memorial service and burial. There's a lot of legal and financial stuff that needs taking care of, though, so my plans may change, probably more than once. I'll check in here when I can, but if I'm not here for days on end, don't worry, I'll be back.

Take care everybody.

(((Sari))),

I'm so sorry about your Mom. You sound resigned to the fact that she is going to die very soon, but I know that it will be a difficult time for you. I can't imagine how you have concentrated on the board at all lately, yet you've been so very supportive to me and to others.

I hope you have others (your kids?) to support you at this time. Please take care of yourself too, and don't worry about how long you need away from the board.

Thanks for letting us know Sari. I'll be thinking of you and I'll miss you if you stay away too long. But most importantly take care of yourself. May you be surrounded by loving friends and family.

(((Sari)))

My thoughts are with you and your family. I believe in you and I know that you can handle this too. Please take all the time you need; but know remember we will be here for you if you wish. Really, Sari, all my best thoughts, prayers and wishes to you!

I'm back, for a moment at least.

I had gambled by waiting as long as I did to go up to IL, and then I gambled again by booking a connecting flight through Atlanta instead of sucking it up and paying a bundle for a direct flight to O'Hare in Chicago. I lost, bigtime. My flight out of Atlanta to O'Hare was delayed and then cancelled, it took me three extra hours to get to the other airport in Chicago, which is twice as far from my Mom's house, and I got there too late -- she had died a few hours earlier.

I was pretty upset. My relationship with my Mom was always fairly troubled, and because of her dementia, there was no real way to make any kind of amends. I had felt that getting up there to say good-bye was my last chance to do something right by her, and it got screwed up. There was nothing I could do about the weather in Chicago, which is why my flight got cancelled (though no other Atlanta->Chicago flight was), but I should have headed up there the day before. Selfishly, there was something I wanted to do on Saturday morning, which was why I didn't make reservations for an earlier flight. I wish I'd called my sister on Friday night or Saturday morning, and I would have found out that Mom was fading fast. So even though I can't control the weather, I still feel like I blew it.

I'm home now, but I may have to turn right around and go back up, because my sister hasn't been feeling well at all. We spent one long evening in the ER, and they ruled out some things but couldn't tell her what's wrong. She has a doctor's appt. tomorrow, and it she doesn't start feeling better soon and can't manage what needs to be done, I'm going to go back up right away. If she's OK, then I'll return to IL on May 10, Mom's memorial service is May 12, and I'll probably need to stay there for a few days to help with some stuff with Mom's house. So I'll continue to be in and out of here. I'm sorry about that, and hope everybody is hanging in there.

Sorry to hear about your mom, Sari. I think you should take care of the things you need to take care of (including yourself) and i am sure the people on the board understand. Write when you can and when you feel you need to. I know I am here at least if you want to talk!

Roo

(((((Sari)))))

It's not your fault. You did not do anything wrong.

If things were as bad as you say before the end, she wouldn't have known you were there anyway--or worse. It could be worse.

My grandfather died Oct 2007. He was a great man, a real positive influence on my life. He and I had endured our share of arguments (even not speaking for 2 years!), but that had ended years before he got real sick. But when he died......he wasn't himself for about two weeks. Hallucinating wildly, being mean in every way possible. My last memory with him was him begging me to take him home because the nurses at the hospice were torturing him (they weren't, his body was swollen with pitting edema, he thought they did it to him). I said I couldn't do that, he was sick. It was a betrayal to him. He called me every name under the book and I ran out of the room shaking with grief. He was my Poppy...this wasn't right. There was no real good-bye.

FWIW, I think you still have a chance to 'do right' by your Mom (not that you didn't before). Go, help your sister. Settle your Mother's affairs. My guess is you and your sis bonding (at least helping one another), even over this, would make her happy. And taking care of your own mental health during this time.....she of all people would know about that, right?

Please know that my heart is with you. Take care of yourself. Loosing a parent, even in a troubled relationship.....well, it needs to be grieved. Allow yourself that if you can.

As much as we appreciate you around here, there is no reason for you to feel guilty about not being around during this time. We will survive and we look forward to your return. Right now, your own stuff is what needs to be taken care of, and I wish you well.

{{Sari}} I just saw this. I am so sorry about your mom. And I agree with H. You did nothing wrong. I do think it's normal to second-guess ourselves after a loss as to whether or not we did enough. I know my H went thru that when his dad died. I know you'll be okay. More hugs... {{{Sari}}}

Shoot, I could have sworn I responded to this the day you posted it, I'm sorry.

Try to remember to cut yourself some slack. Spending weeks, months or years beating yourself up over some choices made in the last couple of weeks won't change the past.

I am very sorry for your loss, Sari. Sending best wishes... Take care of yourself!

i am also really sorry to hear about your mum. i dont have words that soothe. i dont know how to do that sort of thing very well. but i am sorry to you - for the pain you are suffering. i hope in time it eases. i hope it helps you to form well bonded friendships and relationships with many people.

Thanks everyone. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

I'm going back up to IL on Friday, and plan to be there for about a week. We're having a memorial service for my Mom on Tuesday, and then my sister and brother and I have to have a couple of meetings with lawyers and bankers and somebody we hope will buy Mom's house. I'm probably going to be going back and forth between IL and FL for a while until things get settled.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up about not being there when Mom died, but I do wish I'd been less selfish and left to go up there sooner. She might not have known I was there, but I would feel better about myself. I also have to try to let go of more of the negative feelings I have about her and try to remember the good parts of her.

Hang in there, everybody. I'll be back more soon, I promise.

Sounds like it's not about being selfish or not, but between doing two different things for you and you wishing, for yourself, that you'd done the other.

I finally got back home late Saturday night, and I've been doing a LOT of sleeping since then. I can't believe how tired I was.

The memorial service for my Mom was really nice. We weren't sure whether anybody but family would show up, since no one had really seen her for years because of her dementia, but there was a pretty good turnout. We had a nice reception after the service, and it was nice to visit with some old friends, most of whom I hadn't seen in a long time.

We put together a couple of collages of photographs of my Mom over the years, from her wedding album on, and that was great. People really enjoyed seeing the pictures, and I found it helped me, too, because it reconnected me with the pretty, energetic, smiling person she used to be -- I had, by necessity, been focused on the miserable, ill-tempered old woman she became, because that was the here and now and I had to deal with it, but seeing the pictures and hearing the many stories that her old friends told helped me kind of put that person away. I can't replay my life with her, and I'll always regret that we caused each other so much pain, but I want to try to remember the good parts of her and not just the bad.

So hopefully I'll be home for a little while now, though I'm sure I'll have to head north again this summer to do stuff about her house. We had hoped we had a buyer for it, but that fell through. Hopefully someone else will come along fairly soon.

Thanks for the good wishes, everybody -- they helped a lot.

(((Sari))),

It's nice to see you post again. I'm glad that the memorial service worked out well. It sounds like a very positive thing for you to be able to get in touch with remembering your Mom the way she used to be, so that your memories will be good ones, and that you will have closure about the feelings you have for her.

Good luck finding a new buyer for the house.

Just wanted to send my love.

Please allow yourself some time and the acknowledgment that you did the best you could with what you had to work with. Good luck!

(((Sari))) - I just saw this, dear one, and I am so very sorry for all you've been through and are going through.

As always, J

Thanks, Terrabus and Kari and Candle!

((J)) -- it's so nice to "see" you here!