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It's been a couple of months since my bf and I broke up. Generally I feel very happy with how I dealt with it all - there were a couple weeks of abandonment based depression, bad depression, and then everything picked up pretty quickly. ie: I'm not pining him at all. Just still adapting to being alone and trying to take a different approach this time (though not all that successfully).

I saw my ex a couple of weeks ago. He told me he'd been dating another woman a couple of times. I found I didn't really care and just thought it typical of him, as the sum total period he has been single over the last 20 years is 4 months, and he incessantly dated his way through that. So I expected it.

Unfortunately he is now living around the corner from me and so I drive past his place at least twice a day. I've noticed since we met up that his car's never there anymore. And also I know he went away last weekend. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I feel angry. It would be an assumption, although a fairly reasonable one if you were in my shoes, that he's spending all his time with his new gf. I do NOT want him back, and I do not love him. But I feel angry at how replaceable I am, and also that he can get away with his codependence, whereas mine leads me into years of being alone. I'm angry that while we're both codependent, he can avoid it by spending NO time alone, and I can't. Why does it work out for him? He's no better than me, no better looking or anything. Just as fucked up the head as me, if not more, no job...

It doesn't really matter. He can go down his miserable or even happy little codependent road, it effects my path not one iota. I don't WANT to feel anything, but have this heavy sense of anger at how these things always seem to work out.

I wish I could go out dating and meeting people. My T thinks I'd just be rebounding, and I'm terrified I'll be rejected. I'm also terrified that as soon as I did have the opportunity to get my hands on someone, what everyone who's ever had an opinion on my relationships will be right: I'll just fuck it up. So I sit, and wait on the rebound to wane, and for my brain to forget, and then, in a year or two, I'll try again. Meantime Mr "I don't have a biological clock" is screwing his brains out and having a helluva time getting on with his life. I'll just sit here waiting for mine to kick start again.

I'm so ANGRY!!!

What else I need to see is that I assume that being single must be for a long time, difficult, depressing, lonely and miserable. I treat it like a weight around my neck; this blind unfairness I must be subjected to. But it's me who is subjecting myself to anything at all - bc I'm the one who hates being alone, and who can't get my shit together to start dating or sustain a relationship anyway. I behave like the world is putting me through some kind of helpless hell. I wish I could offload this bitterness. Seems to follow me.

Wherever you go, there You are.

So what are you going to do about this?

Sarah,
Many times in your post you said you didn't really care about him or that the relationship is over.



So...look at that quote. What is in it that you can control?

Also......I'm reading the book Ash suggested "The Four Agreements" and the first agreement says to be impeccable with your word. Calling yourself "replaceable" is harmful to you.....and to your future. You might want to look into that. You know that I know that you are not replaceable.......(and I don't even know you).

Also, how do you know he "gets away with his codependence"? Do you live his life?

I know how frustrating it is to have an ex who is really messed up and the rest of the world can't see how messed up he is and to all appearances he seems to be doing well...........while I suffer. But those feelings are just based on bad thinking. Comparing yourself to another will not help you be a better person in the long run. Best to look at you and decide what you want to see in the mirror in 5 years and then start working on making that a reality.

Have faith that you are a worthwhile person. Maybe by spending some time alone you'll get to know what you like and don't like about the person you are.

be well and keep your head held high! better things await you. a quote that made me really happy one day was this: ending your relationship puts you one step closer to the relationship you deserve. the future can be wonderful!

What am I doing about my bitterness? Well, Ash, I just don't know what to do. Skiotter suggests changing my thinking. I think of myself as getting so much better at identifying and shutting down negative thought spirals, but maybe I'm not so good at it afterall. I do tend to think negatively when I get depressed. I always seem to have some form of at least mild depression.

I'm aware that my particular brand of neuroses leads me easily to self-pity. I try to remind myself of those who suffer more than I do, and usually it doesn't help. It makes me angry that others should have to suffer too, and that society rejects us who struggle like this.

I guess the bottom line with bitterness is that I'm not taking responsibility for the condition of my life. I do feel confused and trapped though. I feel I've worked hard, but perhaps in retrospect I see the pain of not doing the work as the hard work. ? I feel I've suffered enough and a break through is overdue. I feel a bit lost with my recovery these days. The law of diminishing returns has rendered my therapy and BPDR less effective than in the past. It's taken me long enough, but I've decided to try a new therapist for this reason. SO that is one thing I can do about this.

With M, my ex, well, I can do these things:
- see that I'm assuming all kinds of things about the condition of his new relationship
- keep reminding myself that whatever is going on in his life has nothing to do with me

I see that the idea of M replacing me loads meaning onto things that I've invented. What I'm saying is that this situation makes me feel replaceable. Is it ok to actually express that? Or should I just repress it bc it's a negative thought?

It's not so much the replaceable thing anyway, bc honestly if I'd found anyone right in this time, I'd have been quite happy to enter another relationship with barely a thought for M. It's that from my POV it seems that i see everyone engaging in codependent relationships, no-one wanting to be alone, people making all kinds of unwise, careless decisions, and finding themselves all happy, married and with kids. I feel like I'm being left behind and while everything I've learned is about taking it slowly, not jumping into a relationship, not spending my time desperately trying to meet someone, but this doesn't work. And so when I see people not following those rules and yet getting the outcome I seek, I wonder if I should ignore what I've learned. It confuses me. My T tells me it's bc I'm different, and I guess most of the people I refer to don't seem to have a personality disorder like myself. I guess it's true that I'm different.

So what to do? Well, it seems that the biggest problem I have is seizing control over my life to a point where bitterness dissipates. I imagine that'll be the outcome. I can't really deny that control seems to be the underlying issue, bc the self-pity comes from a lack of control, and it's my belief that anger comes from feeling ripped off - deserving better. Well, ripped off I was, but not now. Now it's up to me. But I have all of these limitations to deal with, which are daily reminders of exactly how I was ripped off. Anger and bitterness ensue.

The absolute truth is that I totally BLAME my parents. How 2 people could be so f*^$%g stupid in how they raised kids I just do not understand. That my brother and I are both in our late 30s now, both single, him with an even worse track record of relationships than myself, and both with pretty poor prospects due to our own difficulties with relationships, well, it's not a great reference for my folks is it? My folks are both 70 this year and both have relatively new partners. I hate them for being happy when they took that from my brother and I.

I don't know why this is so big for myself. I'm aware that many people out there had far more abusive or neglectful parents than me and my brother and so many of the people I've spoken to don't harbour this anger towards their Illness-causers, but I do. I just do. I don't want to. I've worked both with my parents and alone in therapy to understand them, which i do, but I'm still angry and bitter.

Hi again, Sarah.

I can relate....believe me. Two things stand out to me as I read through your post though. There is a lot of black and white (ultimatum) words in your post.



Anger is real and understandable. It is also something that can be dealt with. You can write, scream in a pillow, go for a run, etc.........Just don't hurt yourself!

I don't think that suppressing your feelings is helpful though. If you feel replaceable.....maybe it is important to really look at that. Are you really replaceable? How? Better yet.....what is unique about you?

It is true that people suffer a lot in life. But if you want that to end....what are you doing to make it end? I'm not saying that to attack you....I'm saying it to point out that your statement:



is very true!! So what can you do....what can I do? I believe we each can do something........but that each of us cannot expect to be able to solve ALL of it. You could take your frustrations to work with you and little by little work towards helping others have better lives.

I don't think you need to repress it. Sure, feel it!

But it is what it is - a feeling, a thought; no less, true ... but also no more then that. It doesn't have to define your reality, unless you let it.

Go ahead and be angry. Don't feed it, but feel it. Might as well get the feeling of it over with.