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I'm currently in a processing group that is not going well, and it's starting to effect me strongly. Tonight I'm so wound up I'm ready to burst! The group has been in session since January, with a fairly stable group of individuals. The group is scheduled to run through June. Despite the fact that we should be well into the stages of emotional connections and process work occuring between group members, we're still very much in the state of conflict--with everyone "testing the water" so to speak, and not a lot being done. I've been trying to push things, but backing off because other individuals seem uncomfortable with that. I've also been trying to express myself, and help others express themselves. I don't feel like we're getting anywhere. Tonight two separate, but interestingly similar events occured. One individual was playing the typical passive agressive game, and I pointed some things out which were apparently very helpful to him. As a result, he began referencing me for clarification of a lot of what he was saying. Another individual picked up on this, and in asking for a "therapist's explanation" he specifically referenced me, in addition to the two group leaders. Later in the group another individual said she envies my ability to express my feelings & connects to everything I say, she just can't express it. This is a fairly high functioning group, supposedly, and yet I'm starting to feel like I'm a director instead of a participant. I discussed things briefly with one of the therapists after & he said they are aware of the dynamics and trying to direct things, but no one is responsive and they're not sure how to draw them out any more without coming across as aggressive. He encouraged me to share my feelings in group next week. Why does it always have to be me sharing my feelings, why can't others pitch in???

On top of this I feel like I'm acting as therapist to most of my friends right now, they call to vent, calling from the hospital, calling to complain....and I don't feel like I'm getting the chance to express my needs. It's wearing me out.

That's got to be tough, when a group that's been meeting for months now is still dealing with petty turf-battles and unable to get down to real work. Not that I've ever been in a "processing group," and I'd probably be clammed up in the corner myself on some days and dumping verbal diarrhea on everybody other days and rarely actually focussed on doing the real work that we're supposed to be doing -- so I'm only kind of imagining what that work might entail and how it might affect me, but I'm sure in any event I'd be frustrated by now if we were still just spinning our wheels.

It's funny (not really funny, but you know what I mean) but I'm a few weeks in to a new group for me, a sort of small seminar that combines some "book learning" with individual contributions about real life and how religious tradition and current cultural stuff plays into what we're "supposed" to know and believe and what we "actually" know and believe. Because I'm going through some rough stuff personally at the moment, and I'm sort of the nutjob of the group to begin with, I've been sort of overloading the group with my "stuff," and I'm getting really oversensitive about what I'm bringing to the discussion. The last thing I want is to dominate or over-emphasize my issues at the expense of healthy group dynamics. It's really hard for me to find a healthy path at the moment. Fortunately we have a couple of people involved who can politely act to shut me up when I get going and need re-direction and focus, but I'm struggling a bit with it all. I know how complicated group dynamics can be.

I can only imagine how frustrated you must be, with over 4 months of meetings under your belt and only another 6-7 weeks to go, and not enough has been accomplished. I think maybe you should consider doing what the therapist said and bring your concerns to the table in front of the others next week. It's probably a long shot at this point, but maybe hearing it out loud will inspire some of them to get it together. It sounds like your therapist group leaders should have been doing more all this time during that process -- I hope they can give you some constructive help in the last few weeks that you'll be meeting.

As for your friends, if you can, try to limit their "venting sessions" as much as you can -- when they call, tell them something about how you only have a few minutes to talk or something and then hold them to it instead of letting them go on and on. If there's something you can relate to, you can say something about how you have needs in a similar vein or whatever. Try not to let yourself just sit on the phone (or face to face) and listen to them go on and on about their stuff without considering yours. If you have a short and sweet suggestion for them, give it -- they're free to take your advice or not -- but don't set yourself up to be their problem solver.

I got to go to a group and I am fearing the worst. Because if I get upset at what someone says or does then I might retaliate against them. My stupid T says you will benefit from it and it will help you learn to get along with others instead of wanting to fight and argue. I wish for once she was in my shoes and had this illness we all suffer with.

Hi Harindy!

I was out of town for your original post....but I wanted to see how things are going now. Any better? Anything we can help with?

Just wanted to say hi, really. And let you know we're here for you. All my best to you!

H

okwoman, I've been through literally dozens of groups (process & otherwise) and have overall had a positive experience, so don't let one negative scare you off! When I started therapy the intake worker gave me the choice of a male therapist or a group setting--said it would be good to "get me out of my comfort zone". No way in you-know-where I was working with a male therapist (good call) so I ended up going to group. The first group I said absolutely nothing until the last day of group, then dumped everything--within a couple more experiences with groups I had the "process" down and really enjoyed them. Sometimes the conflict within group can be the best learning experience, though typically not in the last few weeks!

Harmonium, good to see you again! Unfortunately, with this particular situation things haven't improved, in fact they got worse. Another group member, who has never really been an active participant in the group & whom I have had "run ins" with in a previous group decided to make some extremely judgemental statements when I had made myself extremely vulnerable. The group leaders (by their own admission) didn't step in soon enough--one because he was personally so upset by what he saw as an outright attack, the other because of a need to protect a relationship with an individual client. We talked through it last Tuesday & I can understand where they (the group leaders) are coming from, but not sure I can "take the plunge" again in the group, and am afraid if I shut down for two more weeks it's just going to lead to a sense of further isolation. I left it open last week to return, or to not, depending on where I am emotionally next Tuesday. After talking with my therapist my current feeling is that I would like to go back without any particular expectations of my needs being met, just because I want to finish this out & there are other relationships within the group I value.

On a brighter side, I'll be starting a DBT group next week, and am *so* ready for a "refresher course". It's my first medicaid-sponsored group, and the intake worker warned it can be lower functioning, but they usually do have helpful interactions and it's a great group overall (of course, she's a group leader, so possibly biased!). I'm also hoping the local university will be doing their free meditation group again this spring--I've been through it four times now (since it began) & could use a refresher course their too! I think the tools in my tool box have been getting a bit dusty lately.

sounds like a trip, harindy! all i can say is that in my life i've learned that sometimes you've just gotta take the good with the bad......so some groups suck and others will be great.......what i recommend is that you try to find the "lesson" in each of the "bad" experiences.......so then you will at least make it valuable......and then do the same with the "good" ones too!!!

I get myself through bad times with the mantra "this too will pass........it is only temporary......i can deal one more day"

I'm not sure what you mean by "lower functioning".....but if you mean that the other people might not be as intellectually swift as you are.....you can also benefit from that. Try being a "mentor" or "teacher"......you learn more about things when you have to teach them.....explain them to someone else.........

now mind you.....DO NOT BE CONDESCENDING! You may find that behind the first impression is a person who is more knowledgeable than you in many aspects....don't forget to listen too....!!!!

On a more personal note....I "hated" groups!!!!! I've only ever been in one when i was 18 and 19 and it was a horrible experience for me. i had no idea how to interact and most everyone ended up "hating" me (so i thought at the time)....i think they were just frustrated with me. the leaders did nothing. of course that was 20 years ago so hopefullly things have changed......

but anyhow....best of luck!!

Harindy, it's good to *see* you too, though I am sorry for the reasons! It sounds to me like some of the moderators lost their goal in that situation-- perfectly *allowed*, they are human too. It's certainly a breech of trust though.....and that can be very difficult to regain.

I want to first of all congratulate you for becoming vulnerable in front of a person with whom you have had prior 'run-ins'....that can't be an easy thing to do and I admire it!

When I was in my early 20's, I used to train dressage Paso Fina horses. I've been around horses my whole life and it was kinda a dream job for me.....but it was tough. Each horse had their own personality, their own likes and dislikes. Unfortunately, one of the horses' dislikes was ME. I worked for weeks to get that horse to trust me enough to do the exercises correctly! At one point, I thought a trail ride would help. We went out on a sunny day and wouldn't you know it, something (another animal) spooked the bejesus out of that horse and we were off on a gallop-- through the forest (not a good idea, branches and all). Well, it took about 15 minutes and many rear-ups before I got that particular horse calmed back down. Anyway, needless to say, I had lost my confidence. I pondered quitting the whole thing....but we had a show the following weekend. It took a lot of thought and general fortitude to get me back up on any horse after that-- but I did it, and the particular horse that didn't trust me never gave me another problem; in fact, months later, he and I went on to win several competitions.

I guess that's my round-about way of trying to say that I think you need to get right back up on the 'horse'. Don't allow another's poor behaviour to spoil what would otherwise be a good group. I would even address the person in the next group-- that kind of attack needs to be recognized as something not tolerated-- if not for you, for those in the group that do not have prior experience and would think it was the 'norm'. Sometimes after a fall, if we don't get right back up, the fearful thoughts or anger or whatever will prevent us from ever getting back up. Finish what you begin or you might regret it forever.


Fantastic! I'm kinda like skiotter-- I've never done well in a group setting. It's something I wish I could do. Mindfulness and meditation have been totally central to my recovery, always good to get a refresher on anything you want to polish. Best of luck to you!