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I need help. I am now in customer service. Call 1-800-your television provider here, and you get me. The bulk of the calls are short, sweet run of the mill. But those don't seem to matter. If I get even one where the person is hostile towards me, it can ruin my day. Two days ago, I had to leave my desk twice to cry. The first time was because this woman was literally screaming at me about her bill. I was calm during the call and got her to calm down, but once the call was over, I was in tears. The second time was a guy who has just not had good luck with my company. At the time he called, we were having a service issue, so I couldn't put in a call for a tech. It would just get canceled since we were already having tech issues in the area. That's just how it works. Guy tells me, "Thanks for the no-customer service." He belittled and talked down to me.

So those are my triggers: screaming and belittling. I'm sure there's more, but those are the two that stand out. Since my probation period ended I've missed three days of work (including today). I just couldn't bring myself to take that nastiness. I can't not go to work. The benefits are great, the pay is not bad, and the company is a good company. It's just a small portion of our customers. I'm trying to remember not to take things personally. People don't call me because they're happy with their service. People call me to fix their problems. I just want everyone to like me and I want to be able to fix everyone's problems. Issues I thought I'd figured out, but obviously I haven't. And today I cried and stayed in bed all day. I can't do this. I'm at a loss for how to "fix" this.

I just realized... I'm solidly in the victim loop!

Heh. Sometimes you just need to be the victim for a bit. Just don't let yourself stay there for any length of time.

I can totally relate to how you feel though. When I was working at the surgery center, we had to call all our patients a day or two after their operations to check on how they were doing and ask about their satisfaction with their care at our facility. Usually the calls went OK -- they might complain about the pain or whatever, but most were reasonably positive about the experience and were nice on the phone. Once in a while, though, I'd get someone who would read me the riot act about something, or get on a real roll about everything that we did wrong or how we were all totally incompetent. Sometimes, for some reason, it would really get to me and I would end up in tears after the call. I'd also get upset when docs would criticize me, especially a couple of them who basically told me I was an idiot or who yelled at me about things that were their own damned fault, but the customer calls were the toughest.

I don't know that there's anything to do but just brush it all off and keep moving. You didn't cause the problems that these people call about, and you can't fix everything. All you can do is try the best you can to hear what their problems are and attempt to set the wheels in motion to fix them. There are people who will *never* be happy, no matter what. I dealt with patients and families who were angry and disagreeable from the moment they walked in the door of the surgery center, and I knew that no matter how hard I tried, they wouldn't be happy about their experience. And from all the years I spent in the various restaurants that my exh has run over the years, I remember many customers who are the same way -- they're just angry, disagreeable people who are going to bitch no matter what. They walk in already sure they're going to have a crappy time, and (surprise, surprise) they do, and they make everybody around them unhappy as well.

One other thing, though... I know that dealing with the criticism got harder for me as I got more depressed. You've recently had to deal with all sorts of disruptions in your old medication routine -- is your mood stable, or do you think that could be playing a part in how you're reacting to this stuff?

Don't give up. You *need* this job, and you can do it. When you get one of those calls, or you get criticized by a co-worker or supervisor, say thanks for the input, smile the best you can, and then when nobody's looking or listening, roll your eyes and mutter under your breath or do whatever but mostly just dust yourself off and keep going.

May it will help to look at it from their perspective and think about why they are yelling at you in particular. Which is simply because you happen to be the person they are talking to. They are upset, and only seeing their own perspective. They aren't seeing you as a person. They are yelling at the company, really.

It can be frustrating when someone is holding you personally responsible for something you didn't do. Just hold fast to the knowledge that you personally didn't do anything, while also speaking as a representative of a company. Working at the library I've had people who expect me to remember something even though it's clear I wasn't the one they'd dealt with. It's frustrating. I can (and do) apologize on behalf of the library when we have done something wrong, but my memory is individual.

It might help to have some sort of 'script' in your mind or on paper in front of you when you receive one of these insensitive individuals. That way, you wouldn't be going into your own emotional mode, you would just respond in such a way as you have determined logically beforehand. You don't have to involve your emotions, it's a business transaction and you can keep your cool even when they don't. I know it's gotta be different each time, but surely there are some general responses that would do; placating the jerks.

Also, you could record--just a simple 'jerk' or 'non-jerk'-- for each call you take. This would allow you to put into perspective that most of your calls are good, even though the caller is calling because they are upset about something. It would put the focus on the positive; you could see it right there on paper. I know you are telling us that you know the good outweighs the bad in this job, but seeing it in front of you while dealing with one of those rude callers might help you remember in the moment. I think it would help your mind reinforce that you are doing a good job and most of your callers are not jerks, maybe allowing you to keep your self-esteem even when you do get that obnoxious caller.

Just some thoughts. I don't think it's abnormal or BPD of you to be taking people yelling at you and belittling you personally, at least to some degree. I think you just have to find a way to let it go-- maybe more of that mindfulness and meditation you've been working on. Maybe some form of outlet like exercise would help get the frustration out and boost your 'happy' neurochemical balance. Leave each call with each call-- you don't have any further responsibility to the callers. It has to stay at work, with your self-esteem coming from inside of you, not with external forces determining your own worth.

You can do this Trinity!

Take nothing personally.

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Ash, I'm going to print that out and hang it in my cubicle!

H, your idea about keeping a running tally of jerks vs. non-jerks is brilliant! I think that will help me see things in a more reasonable manner. And exercise is something I've been avoiding for a while now. Mix that in with getting back in the habit of meditating and being mindful... basically taking care of me... and that should help.

Ellen, I've forgotten how I've been "that person" to some poor customer service rep in the past. I felt I had every reason to be upset. If I can just try and be sympathetic instead of defensive, it might make things better for me. Oh, and I do LOTS of apologizing for my company.

Sari, you're right, some folks will never be happy. I just need to do my best. And I'm wondering about my neuro-chemical balance, too. Taking away Wellbutrin, adding Lamictal. Even Brian's mentioned I might be getting depressed. I'll keep an eye on my moods.

Well, I've had four days off. I go back tomorrow... let's try and work on my attitude, shall we?

It can be very difficult to take the anger from another person, especially when you haven't done anything wrong. It's not your fault their television isn't receiving an appropriate signal or that their bill is difficult to understand. One thing I learned is that sometimes the other person is simply looking for an acknowledgment. Here's an example:

YOU: Thank you for calling [insert company name here]. My name is [hot sexy chick name]. How may I help you?
CALLER: I cannot believe this bill I've received. It's 10 pages long and doesn't tell me a damn thing. Why would you send me a bill this long?
YOU: I understand what you are saying. How may I assist you?
CALLER: I want to know why my bill is 10 pages long and doesn't say anything. I mean, how stupid can you be for having a bill like this?
YOU: The [insert company name here] statements are 10 pages long because we are required to include regulatory information [or whatever reason you know of that makes bills long]. What part of your statement would you like me to clarify?
CALLER: I'd like to know why I am being charged $15.00 for movies I didn't watch.
YOU: Okay, [sir/madam], Let me look at your statement to see when the charges were incurred.
CALLER: I know I didn't rent these movies. I don't think it's fair to charge so much for movies and why I get charged for them when I didn't want the movie in the first place. Such an idiot.
YOU: I completely understand what you are saying. I would not want to be erroneously charged either. Okay, I see here there are charges for "Debbie Does Dallas", "Fivel Goes West", and "Slumdog Millionaire."
CALLER: "Debbie Does Dallas?" WTF, are you saying I'm a porn hound? Who are you to call me a porn hound? How dare you!
YOU: [Sir/Madam] I have not called you anything, I simply stated the movies that are showing up on your bill. I am happy to discuss errors to the charges. Do you wish to dispute any of these charges?
CALLER: Yes, I did not rent "Fivel Goes West."
YOU: Okay. Thank you. I will credit your account for "Fivel Goes West." Are the other charges accurate?
CALLER: Um, yeah.
YOU: Okay. Thank you. I have credited your account for "Fivel Goes West." Our records indicate your payment is due on XX/XX/2009. Would you like to make a payment by phone now or will you mail your payment?
CALLER: I'll mail it.
YOU: Thank you. I will note your account that we have credited the one movie and you will mail payment. Is there anything else I can help you with at this time?
CALLER: No.
YOU: Thank you for calling [insert phone company here]. It's been my pleasure to assist you.

None of it was personal from your perspective. You've acknowledged everything the caller has said and it leaves the caller with nothing to be pissy about.

You wanna come do my shift, Nik? It's not getting defensive as the "attack" is not on me. I guess part of me just wants the person to acknowledge that I've been helpful and that they're happy at the end of the call. Guess that's not terribly realistic. In that example, the customer was absolutely helped, but what was he thinking when he hung up the phone. That's what I start thinking about. And if the thought is possibly negative, it increases my anxiety.

Might you be assuming just a bit?

In Nic's wonderful example, the impression I received from the caller's pov was more embarrassment, which would lead to those curt answers after the removal of the erroneous charges. I don't work in a call center, so I don't know first-hand......but I've been trying to restore my credit (successfully!) for more than 2 years now (almost done) and I am the 'caller' much of the time. It's not about whoever answers the phone-- even when they are rude to me (credit collection co are notorious for this!) I don't think about them after the call is finished.

Yup! Assuming QUITE a bit.

Trinity,

I just wanted to say that I wish I had something more to add....but I can't think of anything! I guess what strikes me most about this post is that .....as you mentioned.....it might be more chemical than anything else. I find with myself that I tend to get caught up in events like those when I'm PMSy or when I've forgotten a dose or 2 of my ssri.

i hope you can resolve it quickly before it takes over much more of your time and energy. In the end....as long as you handle the calls professionally, nothing else matters. Maybe you can keep that in mind too.

best of luck! (cleaning out the gray matter

Thanks Skiotter. With the help of the folks here, I had a good day at work yesterday. Ash's picture is AWESOME at calming me down... oh yeah, the words reminding me it's not personal are extremely calming as well.

I went ahead and called my T. I'm going to see her Friday. I'm doing better, but I'm having ups and downs throughout the day. Hopefully seeing her will help.

I guess the thing is that no matter how well you conduct these calls, there will be some people who will be a bitch to you regardless of what you do. This is exactly how much it has nothing to do with you. People resent the inconvenience if even having to call and knowing there's an anonymous person at the end of the phone gives them an opportunity to treat someone without regard or respect without having to face any consequences for it.

I think Trinity that you will never completely avoid these calls. And I really appreciate how they can effect you, even though you know you're taking it personally. It resonates with something deep inside that's self doubting and hasn't ever quite gone away. I'm glad you're seeing your T about it. In a way it really is a good opportunity to address those self doubts remaining from your past that are contributing to your feelings right now.

Am of the thought that most people, BPD or not, would not be particularly appreciative of such behavior from complete strangers.

At the same time, don't give some ignoramus the pleasure of ruining your day. Not worth it.

Kill 'em with kindness.