BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I'm contemplating writing a new book but I don't want it to be another version of the same material I've already covered. So far, the only chapters I can really think of are:

• Mood Stability
• Pressure at Work
• Romantic Relationships
• Family Relationships
• Friends

That's not much of a book yet so I was wondering what ya'll would want to read about. I'm guessing there are areas or topics that are right in front of me that I'm totally blanking on.

I was thinking mostly from the perspective or side of someone dealing directly with Borderline issues and definitely in a recovery-orientation but I guess it might not hurt to have at least one chapter about "I suspect X might have BPD" because I know I get a lot of questions in that area.

Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Suggestions?!

Congrats on the new book! I think it's a GREAT idea.

Gotta admit, I haven't read Putting the Pieces Together since I first joined the site. I've read quite a few BPD books since-- no offense but they kinda all run together after a certain point (all part of figuring this out!). I'm sure I might be forgetting some things (terrible memory lately) specific to your book, so if I repeat stuff you already did--sorry, I'm foggy-headed!

I'm just going to toss out some ideas:

What about a chapter on what happens after recovery? As in....what do you tell new people about those 20 years of crazy-making behaviour? Dealing with the stigma after the fact; when you're 'recovered'?

I would go into quite a bit about personal accountability/ personal responsibility. Getting out of that victim cycle is tough; even if it's going back over the issue-- some of that wouldn't hurt.

Or, I'd really love to read a chapter (or book) somewhere about dealing with not just a problem with BPD but with an additional physical illness. I know many of our members here have had to deal with physical illness (SLE, fibromyalgia, diabetes, sleep disorders, etc.) in addition to BPD. Even issues that are physical that sometimes can't be changed that all struggle with-- weight, funny hair, large nose-- whatever might lower the self-esteem. Dealing with physical as well as emotional can be a lot! Sometimes finding those boundaries and sorting what's what is difficult (at least for me!).

I would also love to see a book that teaches ways to change one's neurochemical make-up (yes, it happens all the time). I mean, like massage stimulates the parasypathetic response as does eating or bathing.......how doing things like this over time may fundamentally change how we are 'wired'. The neuroplasticity of the brain, as it relates to BPD. I was actually thinking of writing/investigating this one myself!

I do think it's a good idea to address people who think one of their friends/family members has BPD......that's a tough situation that comes up a lot.

You could also include some of the additional tools that have popped up around here over the years that maybe weren't in the first book.

Maybe go over what is actually 'normal'-- the whole spectrum of 'normal' reactions to various stressors. I know when I first began this journey....I didn't have a clue. Actually, even when I did hear or read about what the norm is considered.....it took a while to 'click', to put into action. Even if some of that is a repeat, it's worth putting it in there.

It seems like your first book was a great one for the newly diagnosed. What about those that are struggling after 'recovery' at times or are mid-way through the process. I'm thinking get tougher; more in-depth. Junior year rather than Freshman, if you will. I'm assuming that's what you meant by not wanting to cover the same area, but you know about assuming......

Oh, and in your upcoming chapter on romantic relationships.....I would delineate between boyfriend/girlfriend-style relationships, live-ins and marriage. I think they all put the recovery in a different light, but maybe that's just me. I just think the stakes get higher or the intensity or something. And with your chapter on work, adding in something about this tough economy (as in, finding work) wouldn't hurt.

I'm sure others on here will also have some ideas for you. I kinda feel the same as you said-- there is something glaring out at me, but I can't see it. I hope someone here does, lol. Best of luck in your endeavor; I wish you great success-- keep us posted!

I know you won't be surprised at this coming from me, but how about something on T-attachment: what's normal, what isn't, and how to deal with it.

well.....i'd like to find a book about how to deal with ex's and children. i'd also like to read something about the tendency of people with bpd to connect with others who have a variety of psychological difficulties as well......and then how to deal with the other once recovery has been chosen.

?? idk if that's interesting to anyone else....but there you go...my 2 cents.

good luck!!

Wondering, that's perfect! T-attachment was certainly one of those things staring me in the face that I just couldn't see so thanks for mentioning that specifically.

SkiOtter, I'm on-board with the ex factor because I think the nature of Borderline itself tends to lead to some broken relationships which then mean there may be ex-partners floating around in our lives. And those ex's certainly have a lot of baggage for us that make the whole relationship hang on a hair-trigger. But when it comes to the kids aspect, could you clarify a bit more for me please? I don't have any kids of my own and none in my life so I don't know that I even have a starting point for that topic.

Harmonium, I think you could write the book for me! LOL All of these things you raised are great topics. Personal accountability is a good one to include in there. Especially given how crucial it is as part of recovery work. And the physical illness issue is another one of those things staring me in the face that I just couldn't see til you said it in so many words. There are plenty of folks with issues that definitely tie into the HALT aspect. Anything that leaves us feeling less than 100% makes us more susceptible, I think, to borderline thinking and behaviours.

I have to say that I think me trying to talk about neuroplasticity of the brain would be way more than I could chew. I believe it 110% but I don't know that I'm totally capable of speaking to such scientific topics. I mentioned it in the first book but on a more generic level about recording new things on those internal tapes of ours, how we spent the first parts of our lives listening to these internal tapes telling us bad things, driving us down, breaking our spirit, convincing us that everything's going to fail and that we need to counter those tapes with new talk tracks that will eventually become the default operating system of the brain. See? I can talk about it in general terms but "neuroplasticity" is a bit beyond my reach. I'll keep it in mind though and see what I can come up with.

I also think that people who know about BPD tend to see BPD more frequently and prevalently than the average bear. I think it's a slippery slope, to say the least, but I also think it's important for people to be made aware of their own boundaries in that regard. We don't get to decide what someone else's problems are nor do we get to make it our mission to cure them! I do think, however, there are some certain basic things that individuals can do to maintain sanity in their own lives while simultaneously "helping" the person suspected of BPD -- like clear boundary making & consequence enforcement.

Taking a page from your book about not assuming, could you clarify a bit more about how the different types of romantic relationships put recovery in different lights? I agree that the relationships are in and of themselves different in nature which in turn impacts recovery work but what specifically are you seeing or thinking?

I'm over here chuckling that you're suggesting I get tougher! LOL

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In the spirit of honesty and full disclosure, I'm now a Senior in college and I have about 10 more classes to get through before I graduate. My GPA is such that I would graduate with honors in general but within the Sociology department, I might have an opportunity to graduate Cum Laude or Magna Cum Laude. Both of those would involve a research project and the Magna would involve writing an honors thesis based on the research project. As part of that whole process, I would basically pay the school for two "courses" of independent study during which time I'd work on the research project and the honors thesis, should I choose to go that route.

I have been thinking that I could design my research project around BPD recovery work and issues. If I go the route of writing the honors thesis, I figure that'd be a decent start on the next book.

Originally, I was thinking something simple like a Survey Monkey setup that's simply a straight Q&A but given the level and depth of topics in this thread, I'm starting to rethink the design of the research project, moving from straight Q&A and over to an interview-style / immersion type of thing. Perhaps I could incorporate both -- the Q&A for the topics that lend themselves to such (like mood stability) and interview-style for other topics (such as relationship issues.)

None of this is a done deal and I'm not even sure I'm going to pursue this route. Rest sassured that no names or identifying details would be used and no ones words would be used without permission. Furthermore, I would identify "this is part of the research project" for anything specific, other than my own words. Don't freak out that I'd just start arbitrarily snagging things for the book without warning!

OK Ash.......I'm curious though....is your major in psychology or sociology? It would be fascinating to study bpd in a sociological perspective.....wow!!

anyway....re: the kids.....there is only one book i've seen for the offspring of bpd parents and it seemed a bit archaic.......i'd like to see a book that helps parents learn how to help kids....young teen through young adult....deal with a parent who maybe before, during, or post recovery.

Since so often people with bpd marry other people with complementary difficulties......it maybe helpful for other adults in the family (if not the parents themselves) learn how to help the children navigate around the yuckiness that the parent(s) put in their lives.

In about 10 years....when I'm 50 and the kids are out of college....maybe I'll write a book. Now i just don't have time.....

best to you ash!! congrats on being so close to graduation! will you continue on to grad. school?

I'm majoring in Sociology. I started as a Psychology major back in 1988 but subsequently switched to HR Management when I started back in school in 2003. Once I actually looked at all the requirements for the Business School's degree programs, I changed course and went over to the College of Liberal Arts & Sciences to tackle Sociology. (Yes, I'm that much of a wuss!) I could probably have fun in a Masters program but I'm really only pursuing the degree at this point to ensure that I don't get excluded from Director and VP level jobs that generally require a degree.

So yes, this would be from a sociological perspective.

Hmmm - how to coach a young teen (through young adult) on dealing with a BPD parent ... that could be interesting. What I think is so interesting is that a lot of the BPD traits are generally considered to be childish in nature. (Some NONs say that someone with BPD has the emotional maturity of anywhere from 2 yrs old to 12 yrs old.) What I find so interesting is that the young teens/adults would likely be dealing with issues of their own very similar in nature to that of their BPD parent -- that the whole world revolves around them, that everything is a personal issue, that everything is cause for a major meltdown, that it's all about drama, that there are no consequences to actions, that there's only the here-and-now. (Granted, some young adults are more mature than others and don't operate in such ways but I do think there are similarities.)

WOW Ash, that's fantastic! I'm very happy for you! I knew you had been going to school, but I had no idea you were that close to graduation-- and doing so very well grade-wise. Really cool!



I have an aunt whom we believe is BPD. She has a 29-year-old daughter who is totally messed up boundary-wise and guilt-wise in dealing with her mother (the mother is very controlling, co-dependent on the daughter and blames her for Everything under the sun). I think including ways for adult children of BPD (non-diagnosed or those that don't acknowledge it or wish to find happy, healthy living) who may have never been taught proper coping techniques/boundaries would really help my cousin. I have tried and tried to find her books on the subject as she is just now developing the self-esteem it takes to stand up to her mom and I'm trying to help her through it. They really don't exist that I have found. Just my two cents!


ROFL! I could......I might write one on the neuroplasticity thing! I like your example of changing the tapes......but sometimes some people need it spelled out for them that it is not a permanent thing-- the way our brains are wired. It's very changeable (according to scientific evidence, most things like personality disorders anyway). I think many BPD patients, especially at first, believe that it is the way it is (their brains). Something specific in there to show them that our brain wiring is not set in stone is important......how can we change until we believe at least it's possible? Not everyone correlates the analogy with the reality-- some (like me!) need things spelled out. Just a thought!


I'm really not quite sure how to articulate what I mean by this....at least not without offending some (not my intention at all-- no judgment from me!). I'll try...remember this is just my perspective, I'm not trying to say I am even correct in my thinking or that this is relevant to all:

With BPD comes a loss of sense of self, which gets especially entangled with dependent personalities or in any type of relationship (even friendship). Okay, so add into that hot mess romance.....
Well, with a basic boyfriend/girlfriend (or same sex) type of relationship where they are not living together...it's a lot easier for one or both parties to walk away from the relationship-- not as much is invested. It's not as devastating to the BPD individual in the sense that they can pick up their lives easier (not that it's not hard and it's certainly not easy), they don't have to go to court or hire lawyers or divide property or such (except of course if children are involved, but they would probably be living together).
Then there is the 'next' level of commitment (at least in my head) of couples living together. The more commitment, the more challenge to the relationship when BPD enters the picture and the harder it is to stay or walk, IMO. With marriage, you have possibly kids and definitely legal issues to work out too-- all this matters with recovery. Sometimes the more commitment the partners had before the diagnosis does matter as to if they will stay together or break up or whatever. It just changes things.....but I'm really not articulating myself well. I think you understand my basic theories here. Each situation would bring different challenges to the relationship itself and to the individual's recovery process. I think it would be nice to, rather than generally saying things about all relationships, maybe spell out some of the problems/benefits for each type of relationship.

Sorry for the unbelievably long posts! I've been trying to work on that for a while now, and I just don't seem to make progress in this area. Hope some of it helps!

I've seen the same kind of thing on the Autism/Asperger's forum I used to visit. In both cases, it's not that simple. We all have things about ourselves that are part of who we are and we need to accept. But change is possible.

I think for many people, what they need are examples. Examples of how someone similar to them can and has changed. How life can get better, easier, and how one can change for the better without changing the essence of who one is.

I think sometimes people have a picture of normal, and they think better means being that. And they may think (rightly) that they can't become that and so (wrongly) think that they can't get better. Or they may think (validly) that they don't want to be that, and so they don't want to get better, because they wrongly think getting better means becoming that normal that they don't want to be.

I think Harmonium just gave you another topic idea - Co-dependence!

And along the lines of focusing on the "recovered" borderline, how about dealing with relationships when you are recovered or are trying to make changes and the other person is skeptical because of all the hurt the BPD has caused in the past - how do you show them you have changed or are willing to change and how does a Non deal with a recovering borderline? Advice for re-gaining trust or re-establishing connections that have been damaged by BPD.

I'm thinkin of a concept for the whole book. I like your ideas about codependencee - it relates to a lot of what you seem to want to include: chapters on friends, workplace relationships etc. IMO so much of the chaos and struggle in all of the above areas stems from a codependent basis of attachment issues, poor sense of self. Putting it into a social context (as codependence is) would probably be suitable to the sociological perspective you come from.

Another thought I had, when you mentioned something for teenagers with a BPD parent, I though what about teenagers whose BPD is currently beginning to manifest, or is still yet to? Like the typical home of a Borderline. It seems that the best recovery results come from people who get treatment young. You could call it "Raging Mum!". I like it!