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God, I've been struggling since my bf and I broke up. Just can't deal with the alone stuff.

1.

I had a one night stand shortly after M and I ended. 3 weeks. It was a desperate attempt to avoid having to be alone for the typical 2+ year stretch. I thought if everyone I go out with can get new partners so fast after ending it with me, maybe I could too. Maybe I could run from my codependence and my fear of being alone and have success like I've seen so many others do.

Why would I think I could do that? Isn't it obvious that I'm just not attractive enough to attract more than one idiot every 5 years?

But I did it and it screwed with my head so much. He was a liar, a misogynist and had fuck all respect for me or my feelings. Told me he wanted to see me again, which was true, but just so he could get me in bed. It took me 2 months to appreciate that he actually isn't right for me, bc of how badly he'd treated me (I have seen him a couple of times since, which is how I've discovered all of the above). But I can't shake it. If I go out with the friend I'd made plans with on Saturday night, I will see N (the one night stand) and I WANT to. I know I'm looking for his approval and I know I won't get it. This is that old abandonment thing where I want his attention so he will "abandon" me which in the end will only make things worse.

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2.

Then I discover that my ex, M, has a girlfriend. It took him 4 weeks. It's the longest time he's been single since he was 20, which was 25 years ago (and 5 girlfriends later). That's what I wanted. Why does he get to be so loved? I don't feel like I've ever been loved (not by a man).

I don't want to be with Mark and I'm not jealous of his girlfriend, I'm jealous of HIM. And now he's in Thailand with her, her shout, and I just know he's having a better time with her than he ever had with me. Usually my exes break up with me, get with someone else within less than a 3 month period, then marry them. It's how it works. It'll happen here too, except my guess is he;ll have her baby after telling me he doesn't want any more children.

I have to be prepared for this bc it will likely happen.

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3.

Are you getting the pattern yet? Abandonment and men? Well number 3 has me completely stuffed and I'm not able to address it. I'm all blocked up.

It's my shrink. I began complaining to him, demanding answers as to why I'd been in therapy so long and yet still react so badly to abandonment and become suicidal. He admitted that the therapy wasn't working at the pace he thought it should, and suggested I get a new therapist. I can't deny that it isn't working the way I want and so I've complied and agreed to end therapy with him.

But I don't want to. I want HIM to do it. I've invested 15 years into this, I invested my life in this therapy. I know I didn't go twice a week like he wanted me to, but it would've cost me $200/week back then, and I certainly wouldn't have been able to afford it if I lost my job bc my employers got wind that I was in therapy twice a week. That's why i didn't do it, bc it had happened that I was demonised bc my employer knew I was in therapy. And I kept smoking pot and drinking for years, bc he told me that I'd have to goto rehab and stop therapy, but the thought of stopping therapy terrified me, so I lied. I didn't have the equipment to deal with it all, so I kept coping through pot and alcohol. I've no doubt this has slowed down my progress immensely. But I just couldn't go out there on my own, and enter a rehab program full of other people with problems when the only person in my life who had any stability and wisdom to offer me back then was my T.

I truly was afraid for my life.

So it looks like it's ending, which is planned for (ironically) Sept 11. And MAN am I screwed up about it. Men:Abandonment. I can barely grasp a single feeling about it bc it's too big, too hurtful and all I can recognise is anger and hurt at what seems like a betrayal.

It doesn't add up much. I can see that. I keep untwisting my thinking but it's like straightening out a slinky: you can hold it there, all straight, but as soon as you let it go it springs back into a coil.

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So it seems like BANG BANG BANG - a triple whammy of rejection and abandonment. And the only person I CAN see is N, who will treat me like shit which I'll have trouble not taking personally and it will HURT again.

I can't see him on Saturday can I? I know it. But what are the alternatives? Another night with unlovable me? I really cannot see straight right now and feel utterly convinced that men will always hate me bc I'm so ugly - inside and out. I'm crying daily and as soon as begin to think about any 3 of these things I get very emotional. Please help me sort through this stuff.

(((Sarah)))

Sorry you are feeling so bad

Maybe take this one small step at a time ... attention from somebody who just wants to get you into bed isn't "love". Is it?

Sarah, I'm going to email you an article I pulled out of a magazine. I really think you're doing yourself a grave disservice by allowing yourself to focus so intently on all these negatives. You're beating the crap out of yourself with your negative talk and it's once again degenerating into a negative spiral. You're getting exactly what you're expecting for yourself. That will not change until you stop expecting it and actively seeking it out.

Until you actively decide to let go of the verbal and emotional self-flagellation, there's nothing anyone can do for you. You're totally immersed in your pity party and you'll stay there until you decide to hold your head high and walk out of it with all the dignity you have.

Sarah sorry to read you are so torn up.

This N guy is toxic to you. [ you know that already]
I can only echo Auspicious on this: A one night stand is not about "love."

Things to be thankful about:
1. You don't 'love' him.
2. You're not married to him.
3. You did not get pregnant by him.

You're a free agent. Chalk it up to one of life's more miserable lessons and give yourself a break.

Alone...is kind of a point of view really. You were physically together with someone [ being used as a piece of meat] So...in reality...you were more Alone then, than you are now.

Please, don't beat yourself up over this character, he's not worth your head space.

Share this thought with you:
As external conditions change, let the mind remain unperturbed,unswayable.

The Heart and Mind- Jing Si Aphorisms Dharma Master Cheng Yen

I agree with Ash that your own self-talk is a big part of the problem. Seems to me that you have somehow skipped the step where you learn to love yourself. Until you find a way to do this (and I think you know how) you will continue to have unsuccessful relationships.

I might point out that for both your ex-bf and your T, the choice was yours to make. See another T or continue therapy, you chose to see another T-- it is not him leaving you. You have stated before that your break-up with your ex was pretty much mutual-- not solely a rejection of your self, but a mutual agreement that you two were not meant for each other. Neither of these implies to me any kind of fundamental 'ugliness' within you.

As for the one-nighter.......well, you got what you expected. Maybe change those expectations???

You seem to know what to do to end this cycle of men=abandonment. It's kinda like back in therapy when you knew what you needed to do to get more out of therapy, but you chose to lie instead. Your choices make up your reality.

I'm sorry that all this is screwing with you emotionally to the extent that it is. I know you are strong enough to get through this too; I hope at least some of the time you see that too.

(((Sarah)))

I will respond to everyone soon, but I'm going to just post my immediate response to the one thing that stands out in the whole thread to me:

What about this is a pity party? That's just insulting. Ash, for fuck's sake, I know you mean well, but when did anyone ever respond positively to something like that? Ever? In the entire history of the world? Since the beginning of time did ever a self-flagellating, chronically depressed individual ever hear about their pity party and go "Ah! Well thanks for that!"

All I feel is like I'm an even worse person for having the ridiculousness to have any kind of sympathy for myself.

I'm depressed. Nothing seems positive. I feel sorry for myself, why?

Because I'm hurting.

Well, THAT^ was a reaction wasn't it.

I'm just gonna ignore that whole pity party stuff bc it is insulting and not helpful to hear such negativity about me.

But I read the article and do see, Ash, what you mean. I think I'd rather call it "resigned to self-defeat" than a pity party.

well....I wrote a response but then got caught up making dinner and taking my daughter to Girl Scouts......then finally I came back here and it's GONE (

So, I'll try my best to rewrite it before I have to head out again......

Sarah.......I'm really sad to hear that you are feeling so low. I wrote a story once about my life in the "muck" and how a friend came by and offered me a stick....but the stick only worked enough to help me stand up and then I still had to walk on through the muck (which is hard b/c it is really sticky and heavy)....but the stick helped me to unstick my self enough so that I could get to the other side of the "mucky hole" and then I came upon a brick wall. Ugh! The wall was really strong and the stick broke when I tried to use it to move a brick. So then I had to stare at the wall a long long time until I noticed a crack in the morter. I began to dig at the crack with the remains of my stick. It slowly began to crumble. I continued to scrape away at it until it became a hole....and I could see through it to the other side. It was beautiful and I knew that I really wanted to get through the wall to the other side....but I couldn't fit through the hole in the wall. And the hole wasn't going to get any bigger. What to do? Well, I found that my toes fit in the hole and I could use it to leverage myself up towards the top. But I had to drop the stick.....my only memory of the only friend I had ever known.

I'll leave it up to you to finish the story.

On a more straight forward note.....I feel like I can relate to you a little bit b/c I think you're around my age.....and I'm trying to live without having a male partner in my life right now. It's hard......for me mostly the struggle is with wanting to have some male energy around....loving sex!!!!! (especially at my age) and it is a nice convenient distraction to my own life....which I used to want to avoid. Interestingly I've found that my own life is pretty good actually.....and that I think I prefer this to the other way I lived....always trying to accomodate a man in my life.

but now i gg again. sorry! girl scouts is over..

hasta luego!!

I understand feeling resigned.



If you would take a fraction of the energy you put into self-loathing and invest just a tiny portion into fighting back -- yes, fighting the internal voice that tries to beat you down; yes, fighting the feelings of resignation; yes, fighting the feelings of certainty; yes, fighting the "whole feeling of inevitability" -- if you put just a tiny portion of a sliver of a fraction of that energy into self-love, acceptance, renewal, hope, positive thinking, healing, healthy imagery, role modeling, etc., I think you'd be a MUCH happier young woman with the world at your feet.

yes, your are hurting, and doesn't matter why you are hurting or how you got there Sarah. Important though, please stopping beating yourself up...plenty of others are out there willing to do the job for you...they don't even mean to do that, just trying to shake you out of your pit...and it works too. You get angry and it brings out the Fighter in you.

please don't make the mistake of beating yourself up and believing your own negative thoughts.

it's HARD work...I know...I have to deal with this sort of thing from my H...and it really really hurts...it's different stuff though...but it still can shove me down into the pit of despair if I give in one tiny inch. The last thing I or you need to do...is add to the weight of it.

NOBODY can "break" you...unless you let them.

I'm so sorry I haven't managed to reply to everyone's helpful comments. I accidentally spilled a glass of wine directly onto my laptop keyboard the other night, so can only post from work. I'll post ASAP. Thanks for people's responses.

Sarah,
I hope you dont mind that I have become a part of this conversation.

I wanted to reply to this because I really feel like i understand what your going through right now. I have been in your exact situation some years ago and I know how rough it can be to feel alone and abandoned.

I just want to let you know that I have followed some of your posts and responses to other people for a couple of years now. I have never said anything to you because I have always been slightly intimidated by you. Mainly because of how strong you come across and how you can always just pick yourself up and dust yourself off. I really believe that you will get through this. I also believe that when the time is right (For you), a guy who treats you well and respects you will come into your life and these arse wipes and the feelings you have right now will be nothing more than an insignificant blip in your life.

Sarah, how are you doing?

(((Sarah))),

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I don't have any great advice for you (wish I did ) but I want you to know that I care about you.

Thankyou so much for the kind posts. My computer is so broken and I'm having real trouble posting. Remember Electric Dreams? Well spilling a glass of wine on my laptop produced somewhat similar results. !!!!!!!! Typing is an issue.

I am feeling a LOT better. Reading your posts last week and the ongoing support since then really helped. Just to shake me out of my little vortex of self-destruction.
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I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better Sarah.

Just an idea.....I don't know about Australia...but in the USA most public libraries have online computer access for the public....you sign in and out and can delete your history so that it is private and secure.

Other than that....I hope your laptop gets fixed soon! That's frustrating to live with.....

((sarah))

Hi Sarah,

I just wanted to add something that hasn't been mentioned so far. I think you're doing a very positive thing in discussing your concerns with your shrink, then agreeing to end therapy (presumably to change to a new T?) After 15 years that's bound to be a huge and painful loss - but it frees you to see someone else who hopefully will be in a better position to help.

I know you were stuck in self-loathing, and I didn't want this achievement to be missed.

Echoes x

Just a quickie to let you know that my Mac's fixed so I'll post when I get home tonight (at work now).

So much time seems to have passed since I was last able to properly post. I just want to say thank you to you all bc every post had something to offer me which helped me get out of my rut.

And Cleopatra, of course I don't mind you posting to me! I really appreciated it! What you wrote about picking myself up and dusting myself off helped me find energy to do it again. Thank you.

And so that's what I did.

I stopped thinking so negatively about things - which really was the problem. I took people's advice. I'm such a fragile little petal really. I must accept that I cannot allow the fundamental self-care in my life to slip. I'm not like "normal" people - I'm someone with BPD and I just don't think any level of recovery will permanently change my sensitivity to difficult circumstances.

I have such enormous abandonment issues. I tend to recognise when they're kicking in, but sometimes I resign to defeat. If things get too much I resign. But things get too much partly bc of how I deal with things getting too much. I come down hard on myself, and turn a few rocks falling into a landslide. There, at the bottom of the cliff covered 6 metres deep in rubble is so much harder to recover from than finding my balance when I'm teetering on the edge. I've been sliding for a while.

So I've made a few decisions about the things I raised in my first post and some broader things.

My ex

It's ridiculous me finding anything offensive about him moving on. M has his own, really rather concerning issues and I can see he's actually more desperate than I to be with someone. So desperate in fact that he refuses to be alone at all. I don't WANT a compromise of a relationship. Others seem to get lucky...shiiit, it happens. But ya know what? It doesn't happen to me with men. But I don't think much of his has to do with luck. What's unlucky for me is what's already happened: how I got to be this way. I'm unique and "the way" I am is too. I send out negative signals when I'm not 100%. I don't know if I've ever been 100% on my own. Perhaps others are able to muster up a front of positivity more than I, and also perhaps their innate self doubt isn't as pronounced as mine. Whatever - the bottom line is that I am "this way" and for a long time I've known the solution lies in learning to be happy alone. Which is hard. Very hard. But I'm not being alone when I'm crying from loneliness and abandonment. I'm just being with people who aren't with me.

I hold on, I obsess, I've stalked in the past, all as ways of avoiding being alone. I have a (BPD) twist to my avoidance of aloneness; how I avoid being alone manifests the very thing I want to avoid - it pushes people away. It frightens people or turns them off. It's a convoluted self-fulfilling self-destructive prophecy.

I tend not to be very discerning about whose opinions I take stock of. I also fall to defeat and resignation when negativity about me comes my way, rather than actually looking at, not only IF it's truth, but what I can do about it.

M made some harsh criticisms of me within our relationship, and during our breakup, and I took his ability to find a relationship so quickly as a reflection of how pathetic I must be that I can't do the same. M's view and approach to all of this was the wrong view to listen to. All of these things he did/said that fed my self doubt were steeped in his own issues. They've nothing to do with me.

My one night stand

I saw N on Saturday and I told him how I felt about a lot of things that had occurred. It gave me an opportunity to listen to his side and to assess what was really going on for me. I don't think he's an arsehole, nor do I think he's a saint; I had previously split from one side to the other. The truth is almost always somewhere in between (between the splitting - the black and white). He's flawed but he's ok. I think I get where he's coming from, even if I'd do differently (through my own ethics) than he.

The thing about N is that I think in some ways his opinion of me is of value. There are aspects of N that I like and respect and want in a partner. There are other aspects that I don't. I understand why he's rejected me now (not that he told me directly), and I knew it all along - just couldn't articulate it. He doesn't like in me the things I don't like in myself. I actually agree. So this isn't about me prioritising his views over mine. It's more about his views resonating with mine.

I'm not the person I want to be and I'm not the kind of person I want to be with either. I want to be with a partner, with friends, with general company who can offer stability. I don't have that yet. I dislike the way I'm needy and wouldn't want to be with someone as needy as me, so why would they want to be with a needy person like me then? For years I've wondered when it's all going to stop - I thought it would fade as I matured. Things like excessive drinking, smoking cigarettes and exercise etc. Drinking has slowly faded as I've come to hate hangovers and drunken mistakes more and more. It is growing up, but too slow for me. What I do now is what I was aiming for at 25. But now I'm 36 and if I keep going like this I'll be what I want to be right now in 10 years time.

My T said to me one that I need to be the person I want to be with, and then I'll attract them (Birds of a Feather). I've been hoping I can do it the other way around.

My T

This one's still a big one and yet to be resolved for me. I really missed seeing him on Monday, but didn't feel ready. I do now, so I'll just see what this Monday brings.

Wow Sarah -
I really really relate to that last post - sounds just like me! I also wanted to say GREAT JOB on working through these issues. I am impressed with how you were able to pull yourself out of such a deep rut! You are an inspiration...
NAM

I second NAM's GREAT JOB working through all of that!

This part stuck out to me:

The pace to get here doesn't have to go as slowly as it has in the past-- it doesn't have to take you 10 years to reach the point you wish to reach. Set attainable goals and determine steps to achieve them. I think if you do this, you will find yourself becoming the person you wish to be much quicker-- all the while building up your self-esteem with each reached goal. Go for it!


Keep taking the difficult steps one at a time. You made it through the first hurdle, you can do the rest as well. We believe in you; you can do this!!

Thanks.

Yesterday was good. Today....well I just found out that friends of mine are marrying and I'm not invited to their wedding. Ouch.

No matter how strong I get it still hurts when I'm rejected. I'm crying. I want to foget about it alllllll.....

Sarah,

Their choice is based on their reality....not yours. I hope you don't let this one get you down.....this is a challenge....one you can handle......use the tools you have and work it....."work it real good"....(go into song and dance here...)

But seriously, their choice is based on their assumptions or their previous experience (or present financial considerations) ....you have to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

You can do it..........just keep focused on the present and the future.

((Sarah))

Sadness is a normal reaction to something like that. It's the personal rejection that's twisted up. I can think of at least 10 reasons why they didn't invite you, their friend-- none of which has to do with you! It's okay to be hurt and good to get it out with crying.....but use your self-talk to logically see the situation as best you can, rather than allowing it to keep you in the "I'm horrible" loop.

You are in charge here, not your imagination (or your depression). Take your power back.

It will always be something else. Part of life-- we take the good and the bad (and all the in-between). So, since that's not going to change......wouldn't your life be easier if you learned to 'flow' a bit better? I find life to be a lot of adaptation; the more quickly I can adapt to a situation, any situation, the better for my mental stability. Thus, the 'easier' life becomes.

Maybe forgetting for a bit isn't such a bad idea. Get out of your head for a while-- go to a movie or swim laps, walk your dog or go play some music. Whatever works for you. Maybe if you get out of that headspace for just an hour or two.....well, after that it usually looks differently to me, maybe it will for you too.

I'm picturing in my head that graphic Ash posted to Trinity the other thread.....did you see it? It had Jessica Alba's character with a giant forceful bubble of protection from the outside dangers......I like the image.

Harmonium said what I was thinking, though much better than I would have. (Her first paragraph. Though I like the rest of what she has to say as well.)