BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Thanks guys. I've always had trouble accepting that this "group" of people the engaged friends are a part of don't particularly like me. All sorts of rejection out there awaiting me eh. I'm over it for now.

I've had the experience of friends of mind being friends with a person who has treated me really badly. Not quite the same, but somewhat similar. I've had thoughts at times of, how than they (my friends) be friends with this person. But he's not all bad, and they, unlike me, can reasonable trust to see his likeable qualities when interacting with him.

Thanks Ellen.

I sill haven't finished with this thread, namely the part about my therapist. I saw him this morning. It was emotional. I'm undecided about leaving therapy. Part of it's abandonment, and part of it's not feeling convinced that I'm not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. eg: I have always had trouble with anti-depressants bc I forget to take them. I have the same problem with taking the pill. I think I can overcome this. I remember to clean my teeth every morning!

My T has obviously taken my criticisms and concerns very seriously. He thinks if I'm not happy in therapy, and if we both agree the therapy itself isn't working then it's irresponsible of him to continue seeing me. But I'm not so sure that the failures occurring aren't bc of me (things like the anti-depressant thing, and general poor self care).

My T used to work for a body who do assessments of psychiatrists who've had complaints made about them. He's applied the assessment strategy to our therapy and expressed areas where he thought he had failed me. I appreciate that. One thing he said today that expresses how seriously he's taking all of this, and also which raises an enormous concern to me. He said he'd been thinking about why I was so badly Borderline from the start. He's treated hundreds of people with BPD and although my symtoms aren't the most pronounced he's seen, they are powerful in their presence and refusal to budge - even in those first few years of therapy. He says it doesn't add up with what I've been through and he has been wondering if he's missed something. He told me of patients who had completed their course of therapy to tell him in their last session that they were sexually abused. He asked me if I'd hidden anything like that from him. And I haven't. He knows the lot. He also wonders if perhaps something happened to me when I was too young to remember.

This has crossed my mind many times over the years. I've wondered why I'm so ill when my experiences haven't been so "bad" - although they weren't exactly great either. All this makes me curious about what may have happened pre-5 years old, before my memory began (people don't tend to remember much before 5). The mind boggles and I can't help thinking of my Dad.

What do people think of the idea of regressive hypnotherapy? Has anyone done it? Know people who have? I am so tired of returning to ground zero and if there was something TO remember well I'd like to crack that f&^%#g egg to get past it. My ex was a hypnotherapist which makes me doubtful of the technique. It remains (in this country at least) outside the realms of science and so many people in the field seem to be a bit "mystic" - chakras, past lives and the like. That's not me. I don't give it much creed. I'd be so disappointed if I found something had happened in a past life - ya know? It'd be like someone telling me that my problems stem from alien intervention (anyone seen Mysterious Skin?).

I'm interested in anything that may help and am prepared to face the truth if I discover something.

Sarah -
VERY interesting last post..... I too have wondered if I have been "repressing" some disturbing memory from the past. Most borderlines have a history of abuse of some sort, but I don't - at least not that I can remember! And my little sister - many years ago my Mom said something to me that led me to believe that our father may have sexually abused her but she blocked that memory.... Now, would I want to undergo hypnotism to dig into those repressed memories? Probably not. Best left alone if you ask me! As for memories from a past life, wow that is freaky! I would definitely not touch on that! After all, those past lives are over now, right?!
I find what your T is saying very interesting. He seems to feel that he has failed you in some way because you are still exhibiting signs of BPD after so many years of working with him. Is it possible that maybe you just are not ready to completely give up your disorder? I don't think there is necessarily something in your past that needs to be addressed in order for you to "break free" of the BPD. I think sometimes we just fall back on what we know and what is comfortable - our old tried and true defense mechanisms and with us those mechanisms display themselves as BPD traits.
Just my initial thoughts. Will be watching this thread - interested in what others may have to say - especially Harmonium.

Casey

Thanks for your thoughts Casey.



It is possible, and a therapist is trained to deal with that too. I take more heed of my T more than anyone else and we agree on at least why I'm still this way:

- I have not engaged in all the self care he's advised me in
- he may have "missed something" and his personal style may not have been fitting to me.

Regarding the "missed something" bit - he has never suggested I take on regressive hypnosis. In fact he has advised me not to as he thinks memories come up when we're ready to face them. Accelerating that process through hypnosis can lead to trauma. Yesterday, when he referred to something that may have happened before my memory began, he said "which you'll never know".

I did a bit of research about the regression stuff and it all looks dodgy. I don't know how to seek a hypnotherapist I can trust, and although I don't think I am terribly impressionable (which is the whole problem with that style of therapy) the strength of hypnosis is in the impressionable state you're in. It all sounds a bit dangerous and I have decided that at least while I am in therapy with my T I will do everything he says.

So thanks for the response, but I guess I've cut that option out now.

I was going to advise against regressive hypnotherapy.

As many of you know, I'm a massage therapist. Along with my line of work you get all types of people-- many who are more prone to lean to the 'mystic' side of life. There are many, many forms of energy healing, one of which-- Reiki-- I am a trained 'Master'. I'm telling you all this for reference-- my line of work deals with Chakra's (sometimes) and things that, like you Sarah, I am very skeptical about. I've been swayed by empirical evidence on some 'mystical' things, though.

If you want to learn about past lives, it's best to go to a real psychic. I know, I know-- most ARE con artists. But, there is the RARE occasion where you can meet a real psychic. I did. It was expensive ($185 the first session) but I was amazed and impressed at all this person could 'see' about me and my life experiences. She even knew some things that there was no possible other way than psychic to know. I am very skeptical about this stuff, but some of it is real.

If you ever were to look to hypnotherapy, it is best to be incredibly selective when choosing your hypnotist. The training out there varies wildly and so does the quality of the work. I agree with your T that most repressed memories tend to arise when we are 'ready' to deal with them. I do not see any benefit whatsoever in trying to dig one up. It's always possible with this type of therapy that what you 'remember' and what actually happened are two very separate things. As you note, the power of suggestion is too strong for me to believe it is a safe therapy.

Sarah, I'm really glad for you that your T is taking your thoughts surrounding all this so seriously. It's a mark of a great T if you ask me. It's good that he is looking at things he might have missed.......but I absolutely believe your own lack of participation is more likely to be the hindrance here.

FWIW, I didn't have a horrible childhood either. I did have some isolated incidences of rape (2) but over-all my childhood was good. My mom was sick so that made it not quite a 'normal' childhood...........my point is I don't think that you necessarily have anything repressed. It's entirely within the realm of possibility that you have BPD from more biological basis or simply didn't learn helpful coping mechanisms. I do not believe it is a requirement that all who have BPD have something disastrously wrong with their childhoods, although it does seem to be common that many do.

The best advice I could give you would be to fully delve into the therapy sessions. Give what your T says a go-- it is up to you to use the tools T's teach or not. If you are not engaging in all he is advising you to do.......well, maybe therapy would be different for you if you tried to follow his advice.

It sucks sometimes-- having to do all these self-care, self-love and other tools in order to function 'normally'. I really get sick of it sometimes. But, some of these things have become a big part of my life to the point where even if I didn't need to do it for my sanity I would do it because I enjoy it. I think a lot of it is in the way you think about it-- if you consider it a chore, it will be. If you consider it good for you, it will be that.

Thanks Harmonium,

I think I'm a bit wary of people telling me what's wrong with me, or why my therapy hasn't worked, who aren't my T, basically bc I've never spoken to someone who:

- is as educated and experienced in psychology and therapy, and
- who knows my history and issues as thoroughly as my T.

For these reasons I'm also skeptical of anyone who speaks against my T or who contradicts him. Of course there are bad therapists out there, but no-one in my whole life has ever met my T or sat in a single session with us, so it's all assumptions, and the way the information gets to others is filtered through me and my inability to paint a clear picture of a 15 year relationship. It's been hard for me to make that clear here, bc if I doubt my T, that's very different to someone else doubting him.

Anyway, that's not what you were doing Harmonium, but I find these threads attract such responses. I just want to make it clear that my commitment to therapy involves putting my therapist's view above absolutely anyone else's. So in fact Harmonium I appreciate that you are supportive of that and can recognise that I actually recognise his qualities.

I'm sure you're right, as I've stated myself, that following his advice more strictly will help. However this doesn't address what HE raised yesterday. You may not have experienced abuse as a child, and Harmonium, you certainly appear more recovered than myself, so it's logical to deduce that perhaps is why. Yes, I've considered genes and my father's a bit of an unknown quantity in that area. However, when my therapist does not rest upon this conclusion, when he has helped so many people recover from BPD, and is no doubt the most experienced and educated person I've spoken to in this area, well...... I listen.

Which poses the question : What next? If there is a missing piece to the puzzle then i don't know how to find it. I've never been a person who abides by "best left in the past" - a true commitment to psychotherapy throws that notion out the window. But I also can't move forward with an unknown or indeed the assumption that there could be an unknown. I guess I've just gotta deal with what i do know.

I agree with your T.

Though I also think that, for things that happened when we were really young, there may not be any concrete memories there at all. We may remember what we learned, but not what happened. We may remember fears, without memories of what happened to cause them.

I do think sometimes we have to deal with stuff from the past. I've had too. When it affects the present, I have to deal with it. But that doesn't mean I have to go looking for stuff. And sometimes, there just might not be specific memories.

I agree that only someone who knows you very well, knows your therapy approach, knows your history, can really comment on your therapeutic process. Trauma related therapy is complex and multi-layered.

Also, it can help to bear in mind that situations in childhood can cause deep damage, even if they're not the 'typical' causes. Emotional neglect for example can cause such a huge variety of symptoms and wounds.

... and I mean 'trauma' in the widest possible sense, not simply the standard horrifying typical PTSD style stuff.

Aren't there always some sort of 'unknowns' when trying to move forward? Why do you allow this to prevent growth?


It's also logical to deduce that I have simply (though not easily) worked my ass off since my diagnosis. I restructured my whole life and the ways I think of my life, my thought processes--all of them-- were challenged regularly until they 'proved' their worth or not; when not, I devoloped new thought processes. I have worked damn hard to gain my recovery status-- and I still work hard maintaining it. Maybe for me it's the combination of the two-- who knows?

While I didn't have abuse per se (other than a rape very early in life and another one right as I hit my teens).......it wasn't an easy childhood either. My Mom was very sick, death was always close. I guess my point is that our early life is all relative, isn't it? I mean what may be devastating to one person may not make another do any kind of double take, and vice/versa. I feel like while I didn't get beaten, there was plenty of invalidation for me early on.....and for me, that was enough to 'trigger' my BPD. I think everyone sees their world a bit differently, and to that extent, the things that happen are relatively disastrous or not dependent on the individual mind-set.

I'm glad you trust your T Sarah, I do agree that your faith in him and his abilities makes for a great therapeutic relationship. I'm glad you put his perspective above any other's.......just try not to discount your own perspective, okay?

Some thoughts from my own experience, maybe they might or might not help:

I myself have no memory of early childhood and did not suffer from physical or sexual abuse as a child. My father was however quite cold, critical, impatient and unsupportive while my mother was luke warm, at least to me, the last of four boys. There was one incident, or one that I know of, in my early childhood that I must have repressed the memories of it. When I was about 5 my family and my grandfather went shore fishing on a lake that had very high banks. Because I would not listen and stay with my mom but instead I kept trying to follow my brothers and dad down the steep bank, my grandfather decided to tie me to the car like a dog with a rope around my chest. My brothers still think it is a funny story to recall on occasion so they must of had a good laugh when it originally happened. This was not the only time that my brothers were allowed to do something that I wasn't because I was the youngest. All I'm trying to say, I guess, is that it doesn't have to be one or two very traumatic incidents to scar a child but a series of minor, or not so minor ones AND how your parents treated your emotional bruises from them (that is if they even noticed them at all!!)

I recently ended or at least paused my sessions with my T because I felt therapy was going no where. It was going no where, possibly because our relationship had grown too comfortable and definitely because I lost my motivation to push past my "comfort zone". Lately, my motivation for most things in my life have been lacking but that's another story. I'm thinking that maybe I should look for and find another T who would be willing to push me past any uncomfortable issues even if I don't like his style at first or at all. Right now though I am trying the addition of Abilify to my meds to see if it will help with self-motivation.