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I'm not sure what's going with me, though I think it's good. I'm deciding to use the word "love" when thinking about people in my life, and it's scary!! It started with my deciding again (maybe I'll get it right this time) to make other people in my life more important than my T. Part of the reason is that otherwise my T gets frustrated with me, and I don't want to disappoint her. But I know I need to do it for myself.

So, I'm becoming closer to others. My H and I have attended some marriage workshops. I even said "I love you" to him and he said it back, something we haven't said in years. I'm becoming closer to some friends, too. I am also thinking that maybe I "love" my T in a normal way rather than wanting to be a baby and only receive her love. I saw her over a month ago, and will probably wait a few more months to see her again.

It's always been hard for me to express, give, and receive love. I think it's because it's so scary! If I love people, I can lose them. It's not that I haven't loved them already, but saying "I love you" makes it more real to me. I've always "choked on the words" except to my kids.

So, I'm kind of scared and excited about these feelings, and wondering whether to trust them. I want to love a lot of people, but feel like I'm some kind of overage hippie flower child! I did not go on meds, so is this some kind of natural high? Sometimes when I feel too good it doesn't last, so I'm not sure now. I'm taking emotional risks when I want to crawl back under the covers!

I think what you are doing is quite wonderful, Wondering!

This part stood out to me:

I understand how saying it out loud makes it more real.......but it was real before. Whenever we make a friend or fall in love, there is always the potential for loosing that person. Sometimes it's a good thing, actually-- they come into and out of our lives at the right moments. Personally, I can't stand the thought of loosing someone without ever telling them how I feel about them. I suppose I'm a bit gushy with my affections for others, but I'll never look back and wish I'd said something I didn't say. Just something to think about.


Remember the pendulum swing. I suspect you are on some sort of "natural high", but I think that's good for you. You're right, however, I don't think it will last like it is. But, you will have all the new knowledge and the remembrance of what it feels like to express your true feelings. Those are good things to take away from an experience like this, I think.

Is the 'high' you are experiencing now similar to the 'high' you got from your T? I hope so. I do believe that you can redirect those feelings about your T to other, more helpful and healthy relationships.

FEEL IT, relish in it! I'm glad you are able to express your love for others (especially with your H!). Yes, it is good to take emotional risks (I think), but remember that it is a risk. There is always the possibility it won't go the way we imagine, so keep your expectations real.

All my best, Wondering.

Wondering, what a wonderful concern!!!! Harmonium responded really well....and I can't say anything better....but that I have always been more of a risk taker...offering my emotions up easily and then get mad when I feel rejected, et.........but as I've aged I've found that I'm fine if the person I"ve shared my love with doesn't return the feeling. It is all about me....after all. And I can love one or many.....genuinely......without needing something in return (their loyalty or devotion). I think having kids ......now teens....has really helped me with that. I genuinely love them and can offer them all of my love and devotion whether or not the feel the same (at the moment ....the month.....etc.)

Sometimes when I"m mad and/or they are mad at me I find myself getting defensive.....but lately I've found that I feel a ton better when I simply state that I love them no matter what and that we just disagree at the moment. Saying it aloud also has a way of completely subduing the situation and generally the anger just melts away.

be happy!!!

I just wanted to say I feel much the same about love-- and friendship, for that matter. I love or give friendship because it's what I choose to do, no strings attached. To me, true love doesn't have strings or even the expectation of anything in return. I love people because it makes me feel good to do so, even when they don't share my feelings or I don't get anything in return. I love to Love!

Great post, Skiotter!

Thank you, Harmonium and Skiotter! I think it is a similar kind of "high"--intense and scary at the same time. I'm still thinking about my T too--that it's okay to love her and overlook her mistakes with me. I'm trying to accept people even though they aren't perfect. That includes accepting myself too. Also accepting whatever happens in life is "supposed to happen." That's from my T, has a religious connotation, and is especially meaningful to me.

Yeah, love can be scary. And especially communicating it. I think for me that scariness relates to boundaries. (Boundaries here as in separation of persons especially.) A fear of losing boundaries. I think that's because love does move past boundaries. But it doesn't obliterate them. In a healthy relationship, boundaries are respected, even while love bridges our separateness.