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I know you're all on the edge of your seats!

I wanted to write about this because I think it's a wee bit inspiring for fellow strugglers.

A few weeks ago I was right at the bottom of the pit of despair, no exaggeration I promise. Suicidal and generally hopeless. But I'd made a commitment to myself that once my T returned from his spate of holidays that I'd do EVERYTHING, 100%, to get happy and healthy. Prior to that I'd been smoking pot (again) which is stupid, but it's always been my thing to "comfort" me when I've be struggling, which is all screwed up, but hey, this BPD stuff isn't exactly a stream of rational self-care.

So, with this commitment in mind I think I have done just about everything in the last, ooh, 6 or so weeks, that I know to do to stay on top of my disorder. Here's the list:

- keeping my "everyday" stuff out of therapy and trying to concentrate on "bigger issues"
- new course of anti-depressants
- journaling
- EXERCISE!!!!!!
- quit smoking (YAAYYYY!)
- getting out and trying to meet people
- connecting the dots between my past and any present feelings of crap
- tons of minute by minute CBT
- NO POT!!
- reduced my alcohol intake quite immensely
- reduced my TV/DVD watching
- paid all my overdue bills and not engaging in quick fix "feel good" spending
- working hard (at work)

Now, I have to say that the no pot/exercise/no smoking regimen is the most powerful of all of the above. Duh! about the pot, but I do smoke pot because I feel shit, and the rest is about what to do about feeling shit when I don't smoke pot.

It sounds like a lot in a short space of time, but I didn't do it all at once. I quit smoking 2 weeks ago and have only been exercising for 3 weeks...I hope all this lasts. But it's funny how once you begin an upward spiral, by force, the rest kind of falls in place. Each positive activity has made me feel more motivated to engage in the next. I find I just feel so GOOD when I self-care that I just WANT to continue. I'm developing the true belief that dragging my sorry arse out to do something that really doesn't come naturally to me will make me feel so much better, and man, it does!

So I am really not feeling depressed right now, which is kind of new for me. But something really interesting is happening along with all of this. No depression, but I find that I'm getting angry. I've dreamt about anger, and at times just feel really angry. It can come from nowhere, and that's a lot of where the journaling has made it's appearance. It's just so interesting bc people say that depression is repressed anger, and now I'm not depressed it seems the anger isn't repressed. I'm really happy about this, although anger's not a pleasant emotion to experience. It's given me so much to work with. I feel like I'm getting daily insights into my past and my present feelings and actions. I've sort of known for a long time that until I get this anger inside me sorted out that BPD will continue to haunt me. But I haven't known what to do about it, bc the anger lurks completely hidden beneath the surface and it's emergence usually takes the form of utter sadness and depression. Now I feel like I've got the healthy stream of anger flowing out of me somehow. It's not like I've been blowing up at people - it tends to come up when I'm alone, or, as I said, in dreams.

But it's clear. It's like uncomplicated unadulterated anger. It's from my past, from deep into my past, and it's just becoming clearer and clearer.

I'm seeing how I was indeed quite abused and neglected throughout my childhood, from very very early on, before my memory reaches, and that my BPD has developed through finding ways to compensate for my fear, loneliness and sheer lack of "comfort". I sucked my thumb until I was 12 and I now see it was a comfort device. I virtually swapped thumb sucking for cigarettes, which explains to me why I've had so much trouble quitting. Where's my comfort device? This isn't easy bc I just have to go without that comfort thing and bear the absence of genuine self-belief. However I've kind of figured that babies grow out of the "sucking stage" and now, as a 36 year old woman I'm gonna have to do the same. With the clarity of understanding how my folks' treatment of me didn't meet my great needs as a toddler, I can see that I am worth having those needs met, which is somehow enough for me to try to resist more dysfunctional "comfort devices" pot, cigarettes, alcohol etc (although I have discovered this amazing fatty yoghurt that could be my enemy in disguise). I figure it'll get easier and more natural the further I go with this, the further I explore and "express" my anger (on paper, in therapy and in dreams).

I am a bit concerned that right now I'm on a high, and last week I went into a bit of a trough again, but only a bit. The law of diminishing returns tells me that this positivity won't always be there, but hell, it's a start, right?

I could write forever, but I've gotta go and do a whole hoard of self-nurturing stuff to make my weekend enjoyable and my week next week enjoyable too.

HI Sarah,

thanks for your upbeat and indeed inspiring post. Especially the parts about your anger emerging now that your depression is lifting, and making connections to neglect and abuse. I have much the same kind of work to do, and I am glad that it is possible to actually see things shifting. Have a groovy weekend

glad to hear your cleaning your head out. hard to do. i'm impressed at how you're handling the anger too. that has been my biggest challenge.

Sarah, that's all fantastic (even the anger!) I'm really pleased for you. Looking forward to reading more about your journey...

(FWIW, I sucked my thumb till I was 14!)

That's really inspirational, Sarah! I'm happy for you (even the anger part can be viewed as a 'good' thing-- at least it's coming out!).

I really agree with this statement:

You are so right that the upward spiral is momentum-driven. The opposite is true too, however-- that downward spiral builds on itself just like the upward one. So, when and if you do feel yourself slipping, I think you will know how to reverse the direction before it sucks you down.

Thanks for sharing, it really is nice to hear the positives. And-- WAY TO GO! Fantastic turnaround from a few weeks ago!

Hey thanks guys!

You know, I don't think what I wrote above was completely accurate. for one I tend to use CBT skills all the time, not just recently - it's a habit now (woohoo!). And the other thing, which i think is equal in importance to the no pot/exercise/no smoking regimen is that I've started a new course of anti-depressants, about 6-ish weeks ago now - can't believe I forgot to mention it in my first post. They're really working! They effect my sleep though which I'm still hoping is a side effect which will go away, but my T tells me that the majority of side effects that will go away tend to go away within 4-6 weeks. The lack of sleep bothers me, although the up-nature of the meds means that I'm alert enough during the day to do my work.

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement!

Sucks that your sleep is being effected, but I do think that will go away with time.

I'm curious--if you don't mind sharing. All the anti-depressants I have ever tried made me tired, not awake. It's one of the side effects I couldn't take! Do you mind sharing the name of the one that is keeping you awake? I know they all effect people differently, but I've just never heard of that effect. I'm intrigued and I wouldn't mind asking my own pdoc about it.

Thanks.

No worries Harmonium. The med is called Lexapro, which apparently is a relative of Cipramil. The way my T out it (who is a psychiatrist BTW) is that generally speaking the types of antidepressants, and there are a quite a few, fall into 2 categories int his respect: those that may help your sleep (or make you drowsy) but also tend to make you put on weight, and those that may disturb your sleep but won't make you put on weight. I was under the impression that the Prozac strain also are like this (Zoloft if the most common in Aus).

Lexapro may not be marketed directly in the US, but I'm sure your pdoc would know far more about it than I.

Lexapro is (or was, anyway) available in the U.S.; my wife used to take it.

Ah! Auspicious is male!

International man of mystery

My wife has diagnoses of bipolar and BPD. Me, I'm just messed up without any diagnosis

I like your doc's description. Yeah, I think he's referring to the difference between SSRI's and SNRI's, but I was under the impression that they both caused drowsiness. Lean something new every day!

Thanks Sarah.

Hi Sarah,

It is nice to see that you are in a much better place since I last spoke to you and logged in to the forum. your post is relevant to me right now oddly enough.

Anyway, thanks for sharing and keep up the good work, particularly for getting off the durrys.

c

Thanks Cleo.

I'm not having a good day and I'm at work and in need of a brief vent so rather than starting a new thread I'm quickly going to jot down some thoughts here.

Met someone on the weekend, thought he was nice, had a date on Sunday, went really well, or so I thought. Yet by Monday evening I realised I wouldn't hear from him again. I can't put my finger on why, but I'm sure. Even if I do it will be too late. It's already too late. He's just "not that into me". The importance of every potential I come across increases as time goes by bc of my bloody biological clock. I try to hide it, accept it, not let it effect the way I come across on dates. It's not ME anyway, right? Them rejecting me has nothing to do with me right? If it did that would be taking it personally. But the truth is that no-one is there when I'm on a date except the date so no-one can truly tell me what I'm doing wrong. But it's not me doing anything wrong bc THAT's taking it personally. I've been in such a good place and felt I walked into this date with my absolute best foot forward. But guess what? I still get rejected AND I still take it personally. How can't I? I never get asked out, well that's not true, I get asked out by total freaks. People who wear their issues completely everywhere. I'm sure I'm not like this, but they'r eth eonly ones who seem to like anything more about me than how I look.

So I should be grateful that at 36 I still have something worth looking at, but the insult of my personality not being suitable is far greater than being rejected on a looks basis. I've got a pussy, so hello, I'm fuckable. Well, me and every other woman on the planet. What do I have going for me? My friends tell me I'm intelligent, true, talented, true, kind, true, compassionate, true, loving, true, attractive, true. True? What the hell is missing from all of that? Surely my BPD is recovered enough for it not to penetrate my facade with it's putrid stink? So what is it? Just haven't met the right guy. Well of course I haven't - the right guy actually likes me and I like him. No-one like tahta round. So who IS the right guy and how many of them exist anyway? Is he already married to one of the right girls for him? Or is he floating around some psychiatric ward somewhere? I don't want a dysfunctional bc my shrink has taught me whyt that wouldn't be right for me. Had plenty of relationships with them and he's right. Nothing but trouble. But in the meantime my life seems to be rapidly passing by and I just do not WANT another fucking rejection. Not from Mr unsuitable, or Mr I don't care, or Mr I'd Quite like to Get to Know You, or Mr Bloody Perfect. No more.

But I won't meet someone sittin at home will I? And that is what I want, just like everyone else who try to tell me that I have my friends and family who love me, which is obviously why they';re all walking out on their partners bc they too get quite enough our of their own friends and family. I can have a full life. RUBBISH! It may be partially filled but not entirely. A full life is like what everyone is trying to find or already has - a loving partner, children, blah blah. So don't tell me my life will be full on my own bc their lives would be empty without their husband or wife and children. They'd have even less than me bc they don't have to work on filling up this vaccuum of solitary emptiness.

So what am I doing wrong? I bounce back and delude myself that I can do this and time and time and time and time again I meet my old friend rejection. Not good enough. "I really like you..." - then why don't you call? Why?? Because it's a blatant lie that you like me. You like me like you like a car that you admire but don't want to buy. I'm the Smart Car of women; we all think they're neat but wouldn't be seen dead in one.

And I'm so fucking sick of it.

So this is my final decision. I will put myself out there but will not look, bc I will NOT settle for this bullshit "full life" that everyone's trying to convince me exists, but I will NOT try. I will never ask a man out again. I will never initiate a phone call. I will return calls only until I trust that they WANT me to call. I will never get hopeful or excited that someone might like me again. Not until they PROVE it. I will not delude myself into thinking I could be likable until someone PROVES it. I will not let myself get excited, I will not let myself be rejected. I have HAD IT. I have absolutely HAD IT. No more. Everyone tells me I'm attractive, but these are the same people who spend all of their own time with their partners, who live in depressive misery until they meet someone, who tell me I can have a full life alone. So seeing as that's rubbish, so is this attractive crap too. I'm not attractive and I will NOT be seduced into thinking I am until someone shows me that they think I am. Not tells me, not lures me into their bed. I will have zero hopes and zero expectations bc I am not going to be lead on by people who lie to me that I have a hope. Fuck it. Enough. It's easier to expect a rejection bc the evidence shows that is all I can expect.

This whole "not in a relationship, being alone, worrying about having a baby, attractiveness" thing just keeps coming back and biting you hard on the ass, doesn't it, Sarah? I hate to see all the emotional churn this keeps causing you.

I think there is a kernel of wisdom in your rant -- and that's the bit about being out there but not looking. That's very wise, IMHO -- especially if you take the time and energy you put into looking, and use it for other things that you find fulfilling, things that are just so Sarah.

My experience has been that doing things that are inherently fulfilling to me is the best way to not suffer because I am not in a relationship, something I want very much. It's why I take weekend road trips. I love being on the road. If I were of unlimited means, I believe I could spend months just driving around, taking it all in.

I think that the more we do things that are inherently fulfilling to us, the surer we become about ourselves, and the more attractive we become to those who are a match for us should we eventually meet them.

I think that this idea that we can all have a "full life" is bs. Sometimes, we just don't get what we want. It's just the way it is. Focusing on the thing we want but don't have is a sure way to suffer.

jim

I agree with everything Jim said... and don't really have anything to add.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Hi Sarah,

I can really relate to that feeling. I have been trying to get back out on the dating scene and it's been totally frustrating. I had lots of 'fuck it' moments, myself

Jim made some awesome points, because the more you dwell, the worse it's going to feel. Just do you. Do Sarah. I like to think that while it's 80% effort, 20% falls in place through that effort.

A thought I had. Since you mention the biological clock think, I assume part of the issue is wanting to have a baby. Have you considered the possibility of one way or another becoming a single mother? I don't know if that's a good choice or not, but it's worth at least putting on the table as an option to consider.

Sarah,

I'm sorry you're in a funk. I really am.

That said, I'm also very sad to see this latest post from you. I read it and said to myself "Gee, the same old song and dance from Sarah. She's back in the pity party mode and it's the fault of the rest of the world. She's stuck in the victim loop again and the completely unrealistic expectations that she foists onto every poor schlub who happens to cross her path set her up for this catastrophic failure each & every time. It's a shame she hasn't worked through this stuff over the years. This intense desire to find completion of self through a relationship (with a man and a family) is clouding everything she sees, thinks and does."

I know you said this was a vent and I can appreciate that. I've vented myself a few times. I know how good it feels. I just don't know that there's anything left for me to say. I feel like I've read this same content a dozen times before from you over the years. It makes my heart heavy each time I see you chasing your tail like this because I know you will continue exerting yourself trying to catch something that cannot be caught.

Until you believe in yourself - purely in yourself - until you find happiness and contentment within yourself without the need to have Mr Right, a relationship or a baby, you'll continue to face these segments of misery.

That's not to say that once you get to the place of internal satisfaction and contentment that you'll never again be angry, need to vent or have an off-day. I'm saying that your continued focus and obsession with finding someone else to complete and fulfill you is an exercise in complete futility. The longer you perpetuate this cycle, the longer you'll be miserable AND chase potential partners away with your desperation.

I really am sorry you're going through this yet again. I sincerely hoped that you would have been able to find your own inner peace by now, that you would have been able to self-nurture, thrive as and celebrate the wonderful, brilliant, creative, talented, beautiful woman that you are.

Until you can believe that about yourself without ANY trace of rancor toward the men who are unable to see it, without donning it as a superficial beliefset for the purpose of attracting a mate, until you are able to embrace that Genuine Self with every fibre of your being, you will continue to chase your tail like this.

I know these words are harsh and I'm sorry for their bluntness but I stand behind the concepts.

It's probably a good thing I left that particular pity party before reading your post eh Ash? Ya know it actually made me laugh, not through any resentment or bitterness, but bc it's true and you've said this stuff before and here I am. And because your bluntness is undeniable, and what else are you to do with someone who knows all this but still comes back to the same place every time. I'm right there with you Ash.

And every time I do come around to the same realisations you and others are pointing out about me.

So, exasperated as we both are, and Jim probably is too, after all these years of the same recurring attitude, what's the problem then? Why can't I do this ALLLL the time, bc that's what we're talking about here. Between these desperate posts of self pity and blame exists a woman who does very much do what she can to assuage all that dependent shit. Who does live with responsibility for herself. Just not all the time. And damnit! Isn't all the time the whole aim? To have moments of self-doubt, to return to age old patterns, well, it doesn't take me one step back from my 20 steps forward. It takes me right back to the beginning. No no no. That's what you are seeing Ash. The 20 steps forward give me buoyancy (I'm mixing my metaphors). I may find myself at rock bottom, but I float much easier now. I come back to where I was faster. That is a good thing - it's progress. It might only be a glimmer of it, but it does reflect increasing self belief.

So how must I do this then? I agree that my funks repeat a pattern of blame and dependence on external approval. I agree that until I believe purely in myself and find happiness and contentment within I will, essentially never find happiness and contentment. Well, what a helluva surprise eh? Sort of like saying "until you get out of bed you will always be in bed" - sheeeiit! No rocket science there. But what's the solution? HOW do I do that? I have resolved to stop looking, in which Jim sees a glimmer of wisdom. Done. But hey, pure unshakable self belief didn't just miraculously appear! So perhaps the solution is in the repeated practice of self-reliance. Until it becomes true.

This is what I find so utterly exasperating about my own situation: I play these little tricks on myself. I think I'm going ok, usually as a result of a period of going ok. Of really doing well. I develop some confidence and then, without realising it, I think I am actually able to repeat a past pattern, bc from where I'm standing I'm a changed person and that is NOT a past pattern - it's somehow different this time and I will not suffer the typical resultant battering it brings me. And then WHAMMO! Just like every other time, I'm back in the dumps. And really, I only have myself to blame for it. It just doesn't LOOK like self-destruction. It really doesn't. That is what makes it so bloody self-destructive.

Here's the basis of my pity parties (as you so delicately describe them Ash: I think that I shouldn't HAVE to be so vigilant bc the reason I HAVE to be vigilant is bc of other people's actions that created all this self doubt and dependence. Why should I have to be different due to what others did? Shouldn't it be them who have the vigilance? They created this little mess of a life. And therein we see the utter exposure of the blame. That anger that I must be the one to fix the mess others created. Fuck yeah - Mum and Dad, YOU fucking clean up. You created this mess. The futility of this attitude is so incredibly obvious.

People tell me that I shouldn't be angry bc it eats me up. Sure, I agree. HOW? I just AM angry. I'm damn well pissed off at the lot in life I got. Shit yeah. Ruined friendships, destroyed relationships, broken opportunities, a whole lifetime of it. A lifetime of potential wasted. It's only now in my mid 30s that some of this potential is beginning to manifest into success. I just do not get how they could have performed their "parenting" role with such little thought! With such selfish neglect! For this my experience of love was tied into a world of self-hate. I lived in loneliness and fear and guess what? I still fucking do!

I just cannot express how utterly desperate I am to be loved. How hatefully, bitterly hungry I am for it. The kindest thing I can do is to love myself - I'm unattached so it looks like I'm available for the job. But I don't really know how. I do in terms of actions, but to make that leap of faith into loving a person who deep down I don't care about is a toughie. I can wrap my head around not taking personally the rejections, I can at least make sense of that notion and apply it with moderate success most of the time. But what I really struggle not to take personally is when others approve of me, or like me. I suck out of it some kind of ultimate truth that they could be right, that I am approvable and lovable, and next thing I know it's gone and there I've been, relying on another's approval/love for me.

You know what I want to do? I want to fuck my parents off. Maybe not forever, but for a while. My brother's done it, he escaped to China (the irony eh?). He's had 6 month's holiday and not even come home to see us. Good on him! My folks both have partners now - I don't have to stick around and keep an eye on them in case they fall over and break a hip. I haven't spoken to Dad in about 2 months and it feels goood. What doesn't feel good is how when I do speak to him, I'll put on some pretense of giving a shit. And I don't. I really fucking don't. I don't care that he's had some Bell's Palsy thing. I don't care that Mum's been in agony with Sciatica. I don't wish them harm, but don't expect me to give a shit about your fucking pain. Just fuck tha hell off! Leave me out of it! The title "parents" does not automatically grant them with my obligation to care. They forfeited that when they repeatedly neglected my needs for 18+ years.

In their complete absence, could I possibly heel? I rely on them for nothing but headaches now. Without them around to blame maybe I could complete the picture of depending upon me. Is that possible? Perhaps I could process some of this reservoir of anger without it being constantly topped up.

I want children so desperately, partially bc of my biology, partially bc of my peer group, but mainly so I can develop a unit of belonging. In my family, MY family (as opposed to my parents') I could belong. I could love in utter abundance and I could also, as shameful as it is to admit, BE loved. I could prove that bc someone fucked me up doesn't mean I fuck my kids up. I could prove how disgusting my parents are. Wow. That's one helluva realisation.

Ramble. Time to stop.

Anger's an emotion ... emotions pass through us all the time, like boats on a river.

We don't have to go where those boats are going. We can watch them go by, instead of getting on board.

If you mean that talking about it, writing about it, addressing it's presence and consciously trying to express it, is "getting on board" then I heartily must reject your wisdom. Anger's a powerful destroyer and if it went away of it's own accord, mine would've gone a long time ago.

It's all very peaceful and hippy-like, but I can't see it helping me.

You see, I'm in psychotherapy and that's my strongest grasp on recovery (not in isolation of course). No-one could possibly convince me otherwise. Do you know where anger comes from? It comes from injustice. And my expert shrink tells me that writing about it, addressing and expressing it is how to get rid of it. Is that getting on board? The wording of your post indicates that's what you think I'm doing. Jumping on the angry boat. It may pass me by Auspicious, but my experience is that it floats back around eventually. I need to sink the fucker.

If you're angry, be angry. Feel the anger. Sit with it. If it's too big to process all at once, break off smaller bits of it and feel them. Because I think the only way to process anger, to get past it, is just to feel it.

Your hunger to be loved is such that nobody can fill it. You are asking someone to fill in your broken places, and not only is that nobody else's job but yours, but nobody else can do it but you. Paradoxically, the way you to it is not by focusing on the broken places. It's by doing things that fulfill you. This is the goo that fills in all the broken places and lets you be whole. Being whole is a reward unto itself. When you are whole, I expect that you would still like to be in a relationship, but you will be okay with it if that never happens. You will come to a place of acceptance and serenity about your life no matter what its circumstances.

Whatever you do, do not have a child because of your biology, because of your peer group, or ESPECIALLY to develop a unit of belonging. This will be the a sure way to fuck your kid up. Children have the best shot at a healthy, happy life when they are born to a mom and dad who have them because they have excellent love they want to give them. Period!

Do things that make you happy and make you feel whole and at peace. Make it your entire focus. You may, or may not, ever meet someone. You may, or may not, ever have children. But if you are whole and at peace, lacking a partner and children will merely make you feel a little sad from time to time. But you will otherwise be too busy being generally satisfied with how your life turned out to dwell long on it. And if you do meet someone, and you do have children, you will do so from a place where you will have the love to give that will give your children that shot at happy, healthy lives.

jim

I get the concept Jim, and would recommend it to anyone talking the way I have. But when I look around the room at the stinky little creep in the corner who's let me down time and time again, who I've been repeatedly informed by others and my own actions is worthless, well, I'm terribly disappointed in my "life partner " - so to speak.

Letting go of the hope of someone else loving me is very very painful. I really get stuck on the "it's not fair" (which Ash would describe as my "pity party") - it's not fair that I haven't been loved properly and now I'm the only one who can do it and I just don't know how. It really bothers me that term "pity party" - honestly it totally invalidates the actual bonafide reasons I may have for a bit of self pity. I'm not suggesting anyone here doesn't deserve pity either, but wouldn't you pity a little toddler you saw being abused by their parents and well on the way to some kind of horror like a personality disorder? I sure do. And that was me. So yeah I pity myself. Sometimes I really do. No-one has to join in. Just bc some do doesn't mean I was planning on it being a party.

Jim I have had abortions. I have done this bc the reasons were wrong. I could even have a child now, for all the wrong reasons, and I repeatedly choose not to. As I said, I will not screw up someone else's life like someone screwed up mine. No way. But I just have to be honest with myself. I'm honest with myself about why my desire for a child is so strong, and I get told not to do it. I never was going to do it and I have even made myself suffer repeatedly in order to avoid such a thing. Get it? I do not intend to screw up someone's life. What a total hypocrite that would make me. I have integrity, even if others can't identify it. That is one thing I do believe in myself about.