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So I have a new technique to avoid self-harm behaviors. I have this list of 10 things that I have to do before I SI, and number four on the list is to post about how I'm feeling on this board.

Last night I was triggered by a conversation I had with a girl who also has trouble with SI. I was trying to direct the conversation into the area of coping skills, but she insisted on discussing in detail the events of her recent struggles with SI. I was not effective in communicating to her that I was being seriously triggered and I simply had to leave. The damage was done however, and today I can think of nothing else except how much I want to die or cut myself. Looking at the marks on my arms only makes it worse. I feel ashamed and worthless right now. I feel afraid, and I feel lonely. My anxiety is bordering about an 8 and my depression at a 9. I am angry at that girl, though it was my fault for not stopping the conversation when I had the ability and power to. I'm upset with myself for having these urges. I'm upset with myself for hoping that my skills won't work so that by the end of my list I still relieve all these terrible thoughts by the self-injury. I feel guilty.

Ok. Done with #4 on my list. On to the concentrated lemon juice (Yuck)

I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

Would it help at all to talk about a time when you were happy? I've found that sometimes focusing on the details of a pleasant or happy time can actually bring out feelings of calm or contentment.

And concentrated lemon juice?! ACK!

Would you be willing to post the list of ten items in this thread or elsewhere?

Self Harm Intervention Plan

1) Squeeze ice REALLY hard and don't dissociate - be mindful.
2) Write out the feelings surrounding the urges on paper and erase them all very vigorously
3) Draw a sketch of my feelings on paper: rip up the image.
4) Post my feelings on a bpdrecovery board
5) drink 8 oz of concentrated lemon juice mindfully
6) go for a run (if daylight) do 100 pushups and 300 crunches (if night)
7) E-mail a cheerful letter to a friend
9) Journal about my urges: do a preemptive chain analysis of the triggers that led to this.
10) Call my therapist

Then wait 15 minutes....

Hopefully by then the urges are gone or diminished.

Thanks for your advice, Ash! I'll add that idea into my list. I'm always looking for new coping ideas.

Hi Mbowden,

I'm so impressed by your list! How are you going with it now? Did you manage to calm yourself down?

I'm sorry this triggered you so much. If discussing SI does this, it sounds like you need to address this with your friend some how.

Yikes! 8 oz of concentrated lemon juice can't be very good for the digestive tract!

I like numbers 2, 3, 4, 6 and 7. I actually did something similar to #3 once upon a time. I took a meaningful piece of paper (though now I can't remember if it was a picture, poem or letter) and lit it on fire, dousing it with water and then poured the ash-water at the base of a tree. (All under a full moon.) There was something freeing about creating and then destroying. The fire set it free and the feelings drifted away in the smoke.

That's not to say I'm suggesting you light things on fire when you're feeling bad!

Cool idea, Ash!

I might try it a little further down the road. Right now being around heat is a little too tempting.....

Thanks for the encouragement. It feels good be encouraged when I sometimes feel like my hard work is simply pointless.

Oh, and the lemon juice.....you're probably right. Maybe I should dilute it (?)

yeah, i def recommend diluting.. that'll be like drinking bleach BAD IDEA!

some stuff we shared in our dbt group last year was eating as many ice cubes as you could - or drinking something really cold to cause the pain of a brain freeze. if hot is your thing, then we decided eating as many extrastrong mints as you could or using listerine extra strong for as long as you could.

this might sound ridiculous, but did you ever read the poem/prayer "the desiderata"... google it if you havent. a really close friend from that group wrote that out for me at Christmas and framed it. i struggle hugely with anxiety, and the increase in panic can trigger me to SI, but this piece of writing has had tremendous calming effects on me. there is so much wisdom in it. every time i feel the world is slipping out of my control, or i feel in the grips of blinding depression, reading this helps me to bring it back to wise mind.....

Beautiful poem, fidget!
Listerine!!! Another skill to add!!! Thanks for the ideas.

I was not skillful today. I did my skills, but they weren't working as well as usual. I texted my therapist and she had very little help to give me other than "get your sister", who wasn't in the house. I gave in to self-harm and my therapist is now really angry. She sent me a harsh letter saying that I wasn't trying hard enough. I'm terrified that I'm going to be kicked out of therapy. I live on a knife-edge with this therapist (forgive the sick pun), and while I love her and am deeply attached to her, I feel like the least wrong move will send me out the door. It's hard for me to conceive how she can expect me to stop all SI immediately after it is something I have been using as a coping skill for years........

no judgment of you at all.....but the reality is that..............just like an alcoholic and a drug addict have to stop using/abusing before they can really engage in therapy....you too need to stop SI.....and you have to make that your first and foremost important thing to stop. after you have that under control....you can start to get in touch with the real you.

causing yourself physical injury isn't just a "wrong move"......it is an addiction that can cause serious harm and possibly death (if you cut deep enough or allow the wrong bacteria to enter your bloodstream).

My perspective is that you need to start to see SI as a serious threat to your own recovery. I know it is really hard to stop doing it......it is really hard to refrain from getting the satisfaction that you do get.....but you have to start thinking about it as a drug addiction and your satisfaction comes with the same price as the satisfaction of satisfying another type of desire......drug/alcohol/sexual/etc.......

SI is very very very dangerous.....and it causes pain for all those who love you to have to see the scars.

Are you sure that you really did everything you possibly could do to prevent yourself from SI today? How would you feel if your daughter; your lover; your dog or cat or whatever.....did the same? What would you say to the person you love who won't stop doing SI?

Skiotter, I think you're right, first of all. I understand the seriousness of what I do and the necessity of ceasing the behavior. When I'm in my right mind (like now) I think "my gosh, how could I have done such a thing? I'm crazy!" and I balk at seeing the marks on my arms and legs. I also realize how this interferes with therapy - obviously any addiction is an interfering behavior and must be stopped before therapy can really begin.

I guess I feel like I need to defend myself a little bit - I'm not sure if this stems from honestly feeling like I need to be defended, or if I'm just trying to hide behind an excuse to avoid your candid (and valid!) attacks. I guess if I were going to be honest, I would admit that half the time I'm working on an intervening skill to avoid SI, I am really hoping that it won't work. That's because the SI really works for me. I feel like I'm about to explode with pain, I SI, then the pain can begin to leak out. I only ever can cry after an SI episode, and it feels good, I admit it. My question is this: how do I get that pain out without cutting holes in my body to let it out? I don't know, yet. I guess it's a self-medication of sorts, like you were saying. Alcoholics drink to numb their pain, I SI to get rid of it. That's why it's so hard for me to stop - because it's so hard to keep all that pain inside. Distraction works for about 2 minutes.

In that vein (forgive the pun, again!) I feel like I should be given a little grace. Instead of being yelled at by my therapist, I feel like I should be told the behavior was wrong, but forgiven for the slip. No one with an addiction can stop cold - they have to phase it out. I feel like my progress from going from SI every day to only once or twice a week is a big deal, and I really wish I could get a pat on the back for it, instead of a smack in the face. Honestly? The threats only make me feel 100% worse, throwing me into this cycle of cutting, lying, or cutting, admitting it, being threatened, then cutting and lying again.

I know you're right, Skiotter, and thank you for your input. I just feel like this is a mountain I'm tumbling down instead of scaling. I'm so discouraged. I feel like this is an obstacle I can't clear.

Can I suggest you try to catch yourself about to do it (which you seem to be able to do because you have those 10 alternate things you are supposed to do), try working the 5 Steps (See Tools to the left of this screen). Try sitting with your emotions, breathing exercises, meditation. Put a pause between the thought "I want to hurt myself" and the action of SI. If the urge doesn't go away after say 20 min., start doing your 10 alternate things instead. The more time you can put between the thought of wanting to do it and the action, the less intense the urge will be. (Ideally)

Also remember that the pain is temporary but a self-inflicted injury could become permanent and will definitely last longer than the emotional pain you are feeling.

m........i'm so sorry that i came across as attacking you......and i can see that i did. i was writing late at night and so i really was being very candid.

i myself have also dealt with SI and bulimia in the (far) past.........and I can totally relate to the "release" you are referring to. I also could find no other way to release my pain......and at that time in my life I was doing vigorous exercise at least 4 hours per day (for the athletic team I was on).......so obviously exercise wasn't the answer either. believe me......I UNDERSTAND YOU AND YOUR DESIRE TO SI.



The problem is that it was so long ago I'm having a hard time retrieving my strategies for ending it. I know it had something to do with learning to care for myself a whole lot more.....and learning that my life was in my hands....no one else's hands. At some point (around age 22 or 23) I remember deciding that I didn't want to be a burden to other people and that I would determine how my life went. That worked to help me break away from my dependency on my disfunctional and abusive parents......

but the truth is that i also had this very strong desire to be a mom. i knew i had to keep my body healthy so i'd have healthy kids....and that was a big driving force for me. i think i wanted to be a mom so badly so that 1. i'd have someone to love and 2. i'd prove to my mom that her ways were bad and destructive and that i was better than her.....(not healthy ideology....but so it was back then). Without that driving force in my life i don't know where i might have gone with my pain.

but back to you.....m........i wish i could have held you yesterday so you could have felt something else and cried. a movie that is really painful to watch is byork's movie "Dancer in the Dark".....it always rips my heart out.

i know that so far in your life you've only found release with SI........and i don't blame you for that. the pain you have inside isn't your fault. i just wish for you that there was some other way for the pain to come out......and i wish that there were a group for people like us.....that met in person.....like AA.....so that the support would be there on a daily basis and in RL.

another thing i used to do.....i'd "escape" in my car....alone or with a friend......I'd just go away for a while and not tell anyone where i was......it was quite an exhiliarating feeling for me and to this day i still love to do that. the fact is....no one else really gets involved or worried.....it's not about that....it's not about wanting attention....it is about just being completely free for some time.........without anyone to judge me, etc.........

i don't know if any of this will help you. i have to go take my daughter to the orthodontist now. but i do help that you are feeling OK today and that you do know that i do understand and care about you.

skio

what sort of pain do you feel SI relieves? is it sadness, fear, shame? what would happen if you didnt SI?

Skiotter:
I cried reading your message. Your support means so much. Sometimes I feel like the world is out to get me, then one little message like that can turn it all around. Thank you so much for your kind words and your advice. I'm still a teen (for 3 more months), and getting wisdom from older borderlines who have been down the road I'm traveling gives me so much hope. Maybe one day I can be a mom too and take my daughter to the orthodontist!

Fidget:
The pain is everything, I think. Anger, sadness, shame, despair, fear....it hits me in the face like an 18-wheeler and I don't know what to do. What would happen if I didn't SI? Well, I FEEL like I would explode (or implode) from the pain. Lose my mind. Go even more nuts than I already am. Honestly though, probably nothing. It's hard to tell myself that in the moment, when every nerve is screaming for relief.

((m)) ........... words can't express how I feel......i wish i could hold you and let you know that it is going to be alright......it will be......just remember that you are not responsible for things that other people did and said to you in your life. i know that you deserve to be loved .......and deep inside you know that too......someone else has transferred their own negativity to you......so now it is your job to reject it...........and then protect yourself from anyone else's yuckiness..

(((skio)))

thanks for being there :-)

mbowden - I just want to say I can really relate to how you are feeling about SI. For me, on one hand I know it is dysfunctional and unhealthy and I don't like the scars I have because of it. On the other hand, there are times when I am in so much emotional pain that the desire to cut is there and quite honestly there are times when I feel like cutting is the only thing I still have left, that I still have control over in what feels to me -at the time-a world of chaos.

I'm guessing of course, but I think that maybe you too have the desire to stop SI because you understand it is an unhealthy coping mechanism and and also that maybe there is a part of you that wants to hold on to the SI because it can feel safe and comforting and you know it works. Imho, this is perfectly natural for someone who struggles with SI. I think you need to honor and accept both parts of what you are feeling, if that makes sense.

Please don't misunderstand me - SI is an unhealthy coping mechanism and since the goal is to become a healthier person and evolve into your potential, SI needs to go. At the same time, don't beat yourself up for wanting to SI or even if you slip because it is a journey my dear and you are so not alone in this journey. I used to cut every other day or so and I got down to about twice a year for several years which was really big progress for me (except when C and I broke up I regressed quite a bit but that's a story for a different day) lol

I think your list of distractions is absolutely fabulous, btw! One thing I might add is to add something physical to the list. I've found this helps ALOT for me because my emotional mind tries to overwhelm everything else and is usually racing so If I do something to physically exhaust myself I can at least dilute the desire and then eventually go to bed or at least feel calmer. I play tennis so beating the hell out of the ball is really helpful as is punching a punching bag. Plus, with the punching bag you can get the release of hitting something with your hands which kind of hurts a little but isn't self-destructive.

Anyways, I hope that helps a bit. Please remember, you are so not alone in your desire to SI. And I think you should take pride in the fact that you are struggling to overcome it. You deserve a big pat on the back for that. And it is overcoming it, one SI at a time but I promise you it does get easier further along down the road.

Thank you so much for your post Pip. As I think you saw in my other post today, I am celebrating my 1 week, SI free day!!! I don't think this is the end of the battle, but it's definitely been longer than I've gone without cutting for almost a year.
Your words mean a lot to me, and thanks for the coping advice! I need to make a punching bag......