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 Post subject: A person of value
PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:28 am 
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My underlying issue is my over-deflated insecurity. I'm not just insecure..I'm beyond it. My insecurity is practically abysmal.

I was hanging out with some friends tonight and a couple of girls in our group who haven't been around in a while joined us. So I start to get all panicky and the fight or flight response comes up again. I hug my knees and get really shaky so I excuse myself to my car to get some "ibuprofen" because I had a headache. At least that was my excuse.

The underlying issue is my deep seeded inferiority. I ignore history and my value to my friends. I automatically assume that these two other girls (who normally command a lot of attention) are going to take my place. That my value to my friends decreases because they are there.

So I want to leave this group of friends. I want to avoid my feelings and not deal with them, but the thing is, this issue keeps coming up. I have to work through it.

I just see myself as so worthless that that any person who comes along is going to make everyone like/love me less. I see myself as so disposable. Now, I know my friends truly care about me. I've been told countless times that I'm very lovable and a genuine joy to be around. It usually brings tears to my close friends' eyes when I tell them how I feel. But the thing is, no one can love me enough for me to love myself. I mean, it's all good and nice that people care about me, but I need to be able to see my own value. I think if I felt that I was valuable, then I wouldn't feel so threatened by other people. I would see that I'm unique and contribute to the group as a whole.

I was always clingy and posessive as a kid. I never grew out of it, I just got better at hiding it. But I think this clinginess and possessiveness stems from my insecurity. If I was confident, I would realize that no one is going to take my place. That there is no one like me and that my friends are not going to love me less because someone else hangs out with us.

I need to learn how to stop operating on this unconscious fight or flight level. Where my nervous system is acting way out of proportion to the situation. Now, I believe I handled it quite well. I composed myself and left. I returned and talk to some of the more quieter girls in the group. I'm not as close to them so they didn't elicit as much of a emotional response from me. I just cracked some jokes like I always do and they thought I was hilarious.

It's the people that I'm close to where that fear is especially pronounced. And I'm sorry that I keep typing on here about this but I don't know who else to talk to about it. I don't feel like it's appropriate to discuss this with my friends.

I just want to be able to work through these issues without taking it out on myself. I take everything out on myself. Everything is my fault. Everything is because I'm imcompetent, worthless, needy and unlovable. The more needy and unlovable I feel, the more I withdraw. I really want to be able to look these feelings in the face and accept that they are part of who I am right now. I don't want to compound the issue with more shame, because I already feel ashamed enough for feeling threatened by these girls.

I was really trying to talk myself through it. I tried mindfulness, I tried breathing, I tried every trick that I could think of. But all that kept flashing through my mind was my friends leaving me. That my secure little world was changing. I always felt secure with this group. This was my time with these friends. I cherished it. And I just felt this big sense of loss.

I know I'll get through this. I always do It's just not fair to myself to always assume that people are going to kick me to the curb and leave me. I'm more valuable than that. At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself that I am.


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 Post subject: Re: A person of value
PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:22 am 
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Wow, I can see why that was upsetting!

Have you tried the technique where you think of three possible outcomes?

When you feel yourself getting into a situation like that, pretend for a minute in your imagination that you have magical control over the situation - that you can write what will happen next, like it was a script.

So, you would have started right after that couple of girls who hadn't been around in awhile showed up. (You can take a little break from the situation, obviously, to do this ... go to the bathroom?)

Do your threes:

1. What's the worst thing that could happen? What would be the worst outcome, the worst way it could go?

(You probably had no trouble with #1 ... it's probably what you did imagine, right? :) )

2. Now, set #1 aside ... what's the best possible outcome? The best way the situation could go? Picture it happening.

3. Now put #2 aside ... what's a third possibility, somewhere in between? Neither the nightmare scenario, nor the pie-in-the-sky scenario, but just a sort of mixed, not all good or all bad outcome?


Then you can "play" with all three scenarios, in your head ... which one is most likely? Least likely? What are some choices you have to handle each one?


Not only does this exercise help you think through a situation more clearly, but just doing it - the process - gets us out of our "emotional, reacting" brain and into our "thinking, planning" brain, which by itself can help us to calm down. And calming down usually gets better outcomes, right? :)


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 Post subject: Re: A person of value
PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:48 pm 
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auspicious had a good idea.....if it would help you i'll show you how i'd respond to the 1.2.3 scenario....

1.....well...you've got that one down....you're abandonded by all.....YIKES!!!!!! :(

2. You could make new friends and have an even bigger circle of support in RL. They may become your best friends in years to come.

3. Your friends still love you but they want to hang out with the other girls sometimes too.....and you find that you like the other girls enough to enjoy their company sometimes. you find they like you too.

I also wanted to say that maybe it would help you to look at the 10 forms of twisted thinking too..... and then look at how to untwist your thinking and try it. these parts of your message seem like twisted thinking to me....(and it seems like you already know it to....since your post does explain the complexity of your thinking very well....)

Magnification:
lbcgal wrote:
My insecurity is practically abysmal.


Jumping to conclusions:
lbcgal wrote:
I automatically assume that these two other girls (who normally command a lot of attention) are going to take my place.


Discounting the positive:
lbcgal wrote:
just cracked some jokes like I always do and they thought I was hilarious.


I'm glad to hear that you know that your friends love you.......and that you recognize that your emotions are not based on your present reality....rather fears you have inside of you which have probably been there most of your life....so it is VERY hard to change them.

keep reminding yourself of the gray....and it will get better.

((lbcgal))


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 Post subject: Re: A person of value
PostPosted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 9:43 am 
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These suggestions are awesome. Thank you!


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