I believe being alone has it's benefits. I like my alone-time and wouldn't give it up for anything. For me, the trick is to find that balance, that sweet spot, between socializing and spending time alone. I know as a human I need social contact (we all do, believe it or not) but I really do like my alone time.....so my solution is to strike a balance. If I have too much alone time.....well, lets just say isolation has never been good for my mental status. If I have too much social time, I end up disliking everyone, devolving into negativity and just having no fun whatsoever. But if I locate that balance, all is good. Finding the grey, as it were.
Would striking a balance between alone all the time and social all the time help you?
From your post, it sounds to me like it's the social-phobia kicking in that prevents you from wanting to be around others. I get that--I've had my own issues with social phobia. Mine was related to my own self-esteem. Do you think your self-esteem may be part of this for you? You state that you don't think your behaviour is 'fair' to your H, that it depresses you to the point of suicidal thoughts, correct? Well, if you truly 'HATE' feeling like this--
what are you doing to change it?
Aspects of ourselves that we dislike, for whatever reason, are exactly those aspect I believe recovery focuses on. If you are doing something or feeling something not helpful to you or your H, change it. I know that is overly simplistic (and a bit black-and-white!) but sometimes it
is a simple as that. It seems to me you have some options:
1. Continue acting and believing as you do now and therefore continue to 'hold your H back' and be miserable.
2. Figure out how to change this aspect of yourself so that you can be more sociable and maybe even like it-- maybe even finding some aspects of it fun (who knows until you try?). Maybe even help your relationship by 'curing' this dysfunctional coping mechanism (it's what all phobias are, isn't it-- dysfunctional coping mechanisms)?
3. Go ahead and end it all. I strongly advise against this one, as it won't really solve the problem it will just create more, but it's still a choice. I strongly hope that you will at least
Read This before really making a decision like that. There is no going back with this one-- and you usually don't fix anything with this permanent cop-out, just make life worse for those that love you (like your H).
4. Go into hiding-- run away from friends and family to some sort of cave and live the rest of your life as a hermit. Do you know a place like that? I don't know how you would get groceries (or internet for that matter), but I had to include it on the list of choices.
5. Go out all the time whether you like it or not, just to make other's (your H) happy, therefore staying miserable yourself.
I'm sure there are more options-- which ones can you come up with?
What, of those or any you can think of, do you want to do? What's stopping you from changing a behaviour that you admit you dislike and is causing others that you love harm? What needs to happen before you can address this problem?