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Are there others out there that always want to be alone? I hate meeting people, being in large groups, shaking peoples hands and introducing myself. I know this is part of my Social Phobia but I just want to know if there are other BPD sufferers out there that are like this aswell. This drives me insane , my husband is so outgoing and i just wan to stay home. I feel for him because he just wants to meet new people and I don't. Don't get me wrong he is so understanding and knows what I am like and loves me for it but I dont think it is fair on him...to hold him back. This depresses me and pulls me right down into the dumps and find it harder to help him. Where I am at the moment I can hear the ocean and it is raining and all I want to do is "walk", walk away from it all and into the ocean for ever. I HATE feeling like this its awful, I am actually very happy with my husband and love him to bits but I am always holding him back. I dont nknow why he married me as he knew from our first day that I had tried to commit suicide - I even showed him the scares!!

I just want to be alone now

I believe being alone has it's benefits. I like my alone-time and wouldn't give it up for anything. For me, the trick is to find that balance, that sweet spot, between socializing and spending time alone. I know as a human I need social contact (we all do, believe it or not) but I really do like my alone time.....so my solution is to strike a balance. If I have too much alone time.....well, lets just say isolation has never been good for my mental status. If I have too much social time, I end up disliking everyone, devolving into negativity and just having no fun whatsoever. But if I locate that balance, all is good. Finding the grey, as it were.

Would striking a balance between alone all the time and social all the time help you?

From your post, it sounds to me like it's the social-phobia kicking in that prevents you from wanting to be around others. I get that--I've had my own issues with social phobia. Mine was related to my own self-esteem. Do you think your self-esteem may be part of this for you? You state that you don't think your behaviour is 'fair' to your H, that it depresses you to the point of suicidal thoughts, correct? Well, if you truly 'HATE' feeling like this-- what are you doing to change it?

Aspects of ourselves that we dislike, for whatever reason, are exactly those aspect I believe recovery focuses on. If you are doing something or feeling something not helpful to you or your H, change it. I know that is overly simplistic (and a bit black-and-white!) but sometimes it is a simple as that. It seems to me you have some options:
1. Continue acting and believing as you do now and therefore continue to 'hold your H back' and be miserable.
2. Figure out how to change this aspect of yourself so that you can be more sociable and maybe even like it-- maybe even finding some aspects of it fun (who knows until you try?). Maybe even help your relationship by 'curing' this dysfunctional coping mechanism (it's what all phobias are, isn't it-- dysfunctional coping mechanisms)?
3. Go ahead and end it all. I strongly advise against this one, as it won't really solve the problem it will just create more, but it's still a choice. I strongly hope that you will at least Read This before really making a decision like that. There is no going back with this one-- and you usually don't fix anything with this permanent cop-out, just make life worse for those that love you (like your H).
4. Go into hiding-- run away from friends and family to some sort of cave and live the rest of your life as a hermit. Do you know a place like that? I don't know how you would get groceries (or internet for that matter), but I had to include it on the list of choices.
5. Go out all the time whether you like it or not, just to make other's (your H) happy, therefore staying miserable yourself.

I'm sure there are more options-- which ones can you come up with?

What, of those or any you can think of, do you want to do? What's stopping you from changing a behaviour that you admit you dislike and is causing others that you love harm? What needs to happen before you can address this problem?

Thank you Harmonium

I have tried to change it over the last 35 years I have had it, its a strong aspect of me that is hard to change. I have been to 3 Physcs and am on meds for BPD but it doesn't fix the social part. I do enjoy being at home with my animals and I also work from home aswell, but I have forced myself into many situations over the years such as running my own business with my husband and having numerous employees. This was a huge challenge and I felt answering the phones was the biggest scare- every time the phone rung my heart would jump. Also when someone came into the shop my heart would plummet out of fear of meeting a new person. But don't get me wrong I have done MANY things to overcome all of this phobia but sometimes I just go into a deep depression and it feels like I am the root of all the problems. I have been feeling like this a lot lately and needed to express it to someone, so I chose the forum.

Thankyou for your uplifting comments

Hello I also have social phobia and I know exactly what you are talking about. My boyfriend is also very outgoing and I also feel like I'm always holding him back. My social phobia is at its worst when I'm around his friends and this makes it even worse (makes the guilt worse). It frustrates my boyfriend because I can be outgoing at work (and only at work) but for whatever reason I cannot do the same outside of that environment. It's like I'm two different people and he told me that he feels cheated because he doesn't get to see that part of me and I won't be like that around his friends and family. Anyways, I wish I had something helpful to tell you but I am still struggling with that too. However, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. And I understand the desire to be social in order to not hold back your significant other but at the same time being so terrified that it keeps you trapped in this catch 22. I am always scared that my social phobia (which is ten times worse around his friends and family) will push him away. It sounds like you have a very loving and accepting husband. That is awesome! My boyfriend is constantly telling me that nothing bad will happen if I just be myself and talk to his friends and be social but he doesn't get it. The only thing that I do know is that trying to stay focused and present in my body helps a little. Because the fear can be so bad that I disassociate. Also, the more I isolate myself the more my fear grows. I have to force myself to be in uncomfortable situations so that it doesn't get worse through isolation. When I'm with my boyfriend and around his friends (my biggest social fear) I notice having physical touch from my boyfriend helps to ground me, I guess it's like he's a security blanket. So I have him hold my hand or rub my back, it gives me some reassurance that everything is going to be okay.

But people are definantely my greatest fear. I am scared of being rejected, judged, laughed at, embarrassed, etc. So I guess what it boils down to is that I feel like something is wrong with me or that I will say or do something wrong and will be rejected or ridiculed. What do you fear will happen?

That is what I am afraid of too - being laughed at, judged rejected and also asked a question I cant answer - which would make me look stupid, even stupid things like being worried that I may not hear what they said the first time which would make me ask them to say "pardon can you repeat that please". Sometimes I just make out I heard them which gets me into more strife!!.

I think all this stems from being bullied at school- I was laughed at constantly - still not sure why - it must have been the way I reacted or something. They always found something to laugh at - they even squirted water in my face when I wasn't expecting it. I was the kid in the playground sitting alone all the time - I think thats why I like being alone now - I am used to it.

Another thing that scares the wits out of me is having to go to a new building (say I had an appointment at a new doctor). before I go I, my anxiety builds up immensely. My biggest fear is finding the front door!! There is nothing worse than walking around building aimlessly looking for the door!! I fear people are watching me go to the building and then I make a fool of myself searching like a lost puppy. The worst time this happened was when I went to have my first a physc consult and I went to the side door which was locked and it was on a main road. I am sure everyone was frowning and wondered why I was in amongst the bushes and garden. Even if they weren't looking at me I wouldn;t know because I couldn't bear to look around.

Its all silly stuff and we ALL know it but your brain plays games with you and its hard to beat!!

The social anxiety thing is difficult to beat, but it is possible (sometimes a good therapist helps!). One thing I try to remind myself is that people are much more self-obsessed than they care what I am doing or saying-- it's really true that many others are just as self-conscious, therefore their focus is also on themselves. Also, some of the funnest people I know make social mistakes all the time-- they are just the ones able to laugh at themselves along with the other's laughing. There is something to be said about being able to laugh at our follies. And......people's memories for that sort of social faux pas is fleeting-- it's not likely that anyone would remember if you gave the 'wrong' answer or even fell flat on your face, at least not for long.

I also try to remember that old saying "what other people think of me is none of my business". It works for me, sometimes.

What I'm wondering, from your posts......well, it seems as if much of the good of life is passing by with you afraid to go out. Do you feel that way? Would you rather look back on your life and say that you gave most anything a try (even if you failed) or would you like to look back in old age and know that you spent your life hiding?

If you are like me in this regard, and from your posts it sounds like it, this social anxiety stems from a lack of self-esteem. Why not work on that? Remember, you are not responsible for your past, but as an adult, you are most certainly responsible for the choices you make today.

I have forced myself into a lot of situations that I didn't want to do and have glad I did it in the end. I look back now and feel I have conquered a lot and am happy with what I have achieved. Last year I traveled around Australia in a RV and worked on the road for a year with my hubby - he had a contract to sell the RV brand we were traveling in at all the travel shows around Australia so there were many times I had to force myself to talk to people as it becomes a very social thing traveling. Yet when my hubby wasn't there I would be working inside and no one knew I was there most of the time, but when my hubby was there it was as though my social side is comfortable - he is obviously my better half and I often hide behind him. He is like my shield from the comments that may come my way.

But I must admit that hiding behind him has recently shown its ugly head - Who would have thought people wouldn't recognise me without him being there. Because I am rarely seen without him people at y church didn't recognise me when I went after being away for 8 months. My hubby was away and I went to church with my parents and I was saying hello to people but they looked at me strangely - still with a handshake or something but not a personal recognition. So at the time I felt like I was nobody unless I was with my hubby- it was a real eye opener to what I had created in myself.

But it is something I work on constantly and try to improve day by day.


Thanks for all your comments and advice I will take it all on with "confidence"