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I am realizing I was pretty addicted to drama, and possibly still long for some of it. As my life calmed down, at first it was a welcomed change. Feeling so tumultuous everyday sucked the life out of me. But once I re-energized, I also couldn't stay busy enough. I worked as much as I could, did as much as I could. Idle hands drove me insane. That, too, took its toll, I had to let up, and I'm left with a bit of a longing feeling again. It's not the overpowering kind that it used to be, but it is there nonetheless.

I can identify that this is one feeling that used to drive me into a rocky relationship. Something to fill my hands and mind. Something to give me reason and purpose. The same useless feelings do not accompany it but I am not sure what to do with this feeling alone.

I know what I need to do is connect to myself right now. I enjoy my job, I love and enjoy my friends, my life does feel rich, but calm and boring. I want to shake it up, in a healthy way. Does anyone have any ideas to offer? What do you do when everything seems so sluggish, and life is so vanilla? Maybe I should be volunteering again.

Two things keeping my life a little less boring right now:
1. I play in an adult kickball league (connecting with people, competition, socializing)
2. I volunteer for a pug dog rescue group and actually took a leadership role in that group (I am fundraising chair) which is fun, fulfilling and also challenging - I mean OMG me a leader? Usually I would run away from that kind of responsibility!

So, yeah I would say (1) hobbies and (2) volunteer work. But make it challenging!

PS - I totally thrive on drama... as if anyone here didn't know already...ha

I have gotten to the point now that I thrive on absolutely nothing going on!! I used to be soooooooo bored by just life.....and now I really don't like anything at all dramatic. It has been just a total shift in expectations and in my understanding of what is real in life. I realized at some point that I was raised with a lot of drama and a lot of action. I thought without it something was wrong....like I wasn't living or something....or that I was really just a boring, good for nothing, person. but my brother-in-law....king of idleness.... totally shifted my perspective on that issue just by living his life as he does. i am forever grateful to him.

now i have a ton to do to keep myself occupied......and it is all just a shift in perspective. everyday normal activities are adventures and lessons to be learned. i do my hobbies, i read, i talk to neighbors, i go to the park when i'm bored or lonely and watch people. i go to the library, i go hiking......whatever....i always have fun stuff to do. one thing that helped me get started making my own fun was learning to play games on the internet....the word games, etc.....then i started playing sudoku.........learning to play games by myself taught me how to be entertained alone......

hope maybe something in this inspires you to find your own joy.....and pass it on.....

Wow, Skio... you may have just helped me more than you know with this one simple statement...

You raise a really good and interesting point. My mom always used to ask me, "Do you like drama?" And of COURSE I'd tell her no, I mean I didn't think I liked it, and I know I don't now. But I felt sort of lost without it. Everything was always chaotic. If things were going ok, it felt bad. I think also, it sort of has gone the same in my relationships. If we weren't fighting, something was wrong(I'd create arguments for that purpose). I also thought that meant they didn't love me, and while that fits in here it's still a whole other topic.

I really enjoy my alone time, away from people and I am one of those types that has to 'recharge' after being social, yet feel sort of guilty about it. I love being with people, but then I need to be alone and have difficulty saying so sometimes.

me too.....and it feels really good to admit it and be ok with that. so you're an introvert. nothing wrong with that.

I'm thinking of that pendulum swing-- in recovery, we tend to go from one extreme (drama central) to another (complete boredom) before settling down in that sweet spot somewhere in the middle (grey happiness?).

I also agree with Skiotter-- it IS a perspective shift. Finding the fun in everyday things helps me greatly. Changing the perspective from "gosh, I have to do blah blah blah AGAIN" to something more akin to "I GET to do blah blah blah.....and how interesting (fill in the blank) works". That's rather vague, sorry, but changing that perception has really lead to some profound existential thoughts for me. Which I enjoy, almost as much as the old drama days. But....I still like that adrenalin rush every now and then. I sky dive and enjoy scuba diving-- they work for me and don't have to be done daily or anything. A really intense run will do the trick too-- really pushing my body to it's limits (and past them, sometimes). You are going to have to find that balance for yourself because it's different for all. But, I'm sure you are on your way!

Good points and great learnings - re the bottom of the pendulum.
Although can anyone share some insight on how to stay in that grey area, is it always an up hill battle, swimming upstream?
I understand the physical aspect of pushing yourself to the limit / or past it and how this helps.
I can appreciate the aspect of finding calmness in solitude or alone time, suduko etc, also having a balance between this and emersing yourself in work for finanicial gain or career achievement.
I feel I have grasp of this (somewhat)... How do you suggest you stay at the bottom of the pendulum emotionally? Particulary when I seemingly & inadvertantly create "drama" / chaos emotionally for myself and the person I love - pushing them to the point of trauma...
I probably should have started a new topic... sorry

I'm finding, as the years of recovery move forward, that I've essentially replaced the drama with something else. I've filled my life nearly to the point of overflowing and it keeps the adrenaline going, keeps me wondering what's up next but in healthier ways.

My job is pretty chaotic to begin with and there's very little in the way of "calm and boring" but even adding to that, I've gone back to school. I've got this place. I've got another discussion group as well (not MH-related.) I go to three professional discussion groups, plus Facebook & LinkedIn. I'm on the Activities Committee at work. And then I manage to sneak in time cleaning the house, being with my husband, playing with the five dogs, and going out occasionally.

There are certainly times when it can start to feel a little overwhelming and crazy-making but I know that I put myself into these things and I can take myself out of them if I so choose. Meanwhile, the adrenaline sticks around and there's always something going on somewhere that needs tending to (or that I could be paying attention to.) And it's not nearly as destructive as the good old-fashioned BPD was so I feel good about that.

I enjoy that I'm using schoolwork to keep me in a whirlwind because ultimately I'll end up with my degree ... finally!

So my advice would be to sit down & come up with a list of things that are more positively oriented that you can use to fill the boring lulls and see how that goes.

Interesting question, Aussiebob. I've been thinking on it and I'm not sure I have THE answer-- in fact for sure I do not-- but I can share with you my personal answer.

No, it's not an uphill battle, swimming upstream. Somewhere in my journey I learned to 'flow' with the river as opposed to against it. Fighting that uphill, never-won battle was what I was doing in BPD-mode, not recovery. There's your perspective shift.

For me, I was always wanting others to Tell me what to do, how to be, what was right/wrong, if I were right/wrong, etc., etc., ad nauseam. In other words, I looked always to others instead of within my SELF, though at the time I would have told you I was very independent and knew myself well--I didn't have a clue. I had never stopped fighting that current long enough to really know. I reacted to situations I found myself in rather than recognizing that I placed myself in the situation in the first place. It's difficult to live a life in constant reaction-mode, never trusting myself or thinking anything of mine (ideas, looks, etc.) was of value enough for anyone else to care (and I tested them on the point so much I always pushed them away)-- that's BPD for me. In the recovery process, I shifted that thinking from what did everyone else know/think to what I thought, how I felt. I fell down quite a bit, but every time I got back up stronger than before.

I began testing myself rather than testing everyone around me. Still do. In every sense of the word.

By not assuming what others thought (asking instead), checking all my facts before I made up my mind about anything (because I couldn't trust my emotions), finding out who I was in the NOW (a vital concept for me still) and who I wanted to be in the future. By letting go of any and EVERYTHING in the past (no matter how hard or attached to it I was). In this testing--- and for me it became like a science project, so it stimulated my brain and made me believe I might actually be somewhat intelligent for the first time ever-- I eradicated drama from my life. If I never jump to a conclusion (going over the twisted steps and untwisting with Everything), kept to the 4 agreements, worked the 5 steps and maybe most importantly learned to separate out fully my stuff vs. whomever's stuff and where I wanted my boundaries to be and how-- all by myself, because it had to be MY views-- well, after a while it just comes together. If you do this stuff repetitively, your brain learns that this healthier way is better than the 'old' way. It's easier, though the transition is quite difficult at times. Your body, including your brain, wants order (homeostasis simplistically)-- give yourself the best possible environment for healthy, happy living and you will gravitate towards it, if you are really ready. If you find yourself not ready quite yet (maybe somewhere in the middle, it's not an all-or-nothing thing remember), work on whatever behaviours are keeping you stuck inside. Free the adhesions and the blood flow returns, as it were.


It's not inadvertent, though I know what you mean about seeming so. Something inside of you is creating this for some reason, some payoff. Take responsibility (like an Adult would; because yes, you ARE an ADULT and responsible for everything you do) and recognize that some action of yours and yours alone is causing this to reoccur time and time again. Perception= Thought= Feelings= Emotion= Action. Break the cycle from any one of the connections.

So, my advice is to test yourself rather than anyone else-- and closely follow the tools here on the board. If you stop and think before ever single action/response and decide for yourself how you truly want to handle a situation and why, pretty soon it just comes naturally. The thinking is more rational; the emotions more stable. And somehow make that be a good thing, in your own mind. Getting healthy isn't a drag at all-- it can be fun! I wanted recovery so badly it hurt physically. As long as you emotionally allow yourself to gain a payoff from the drama-- whatever it may be and for whatever reason-- you will continue the pattern. When it stops 'working' for you, on any level, you will seek other means. Allow those other means to be healthy, happy living.

Ash (gleaming from the above post) does this by living a chaotic, full life. I don't have the energy for that, lol, but I can 'test' myself in other ways. I can emotionally 'test' myself by allowing my marriage to deepen; to for once in my life truly find emotional intimacy. I can 'test' my physical body with my daily runs, with my job (which is very strenuous). I can 'test' my body by figuring out how to beat BPD, SLE, GAD, MDD and whatever other letters they throw at me. I can test my mind with stimulating conversation, by helping others here on the board, by doing a cross-word--learning something new every single day and having that be something I'm very grateful for. Whatever-- test yourself, daily (and don't forget to be grateful, even if you fail at something-- you at least had the ability to try and might even work it out next time). It fills the time-- and my emotional voids. We will each have our own way of doing it-- and I feel that's a good thing-- so you will have to find yours on your own. Life itself becomes the challenge, rather than the dramatics of yesteryear.

How can you challenge yourself today?

Huh?

ok...in other words......try to learn from your experiences. just like you (NAM) have started to learn to let go of R by not having contact with him.....that is a lesson that you opened yourself up to recently...and you are finding that you have more peace when you follow the lesson....right? the point is....no one has forced you to accept that lesson this time.....you did it yourself. you tried it....found it worked for you.....and are probably going to continue on the same course of action (non-action).

there is a "snowball" effect.....but for those of you who may not live in the snowbelt....you could think of it as a dustball too......but the idea is this....you start with a little piece (of whatever) and then you let it just roll. On its' own it will grow bigger and bigger........and before long it is huge!!!!

that first step.....like you just did with R this time......will lead you on the path to recovery. It won't always be easy for you to keep trusting the path.....but you can consciously tell yourself every day to follow the snowball even if you don't know where it is taking you....because you have learned from your recent past ....to trust it.

does that make more sense?

Thank you for the concise and personal explanation Skiotter. I can tell you are a teacher
I just think maybe this thread got a little off track...

I think this post was inappropriate. If you have a criticism or a question, be more specific. You don't even indicate which post you are responding to. If you have something to add, then actually do so. If you don't, there's no reason to post. We can't read minds.

Thanks Skiotter and Ellen.

NAM-- I tend to ramble sometimes (most-times, I'm working on it); I am sorry if it confused you. I do think my post is on topic for this thread: Trying to find the grey, dismiss the drama and how to live life with the recovery process (however long-winded I became last night, lol!). Even though I was actually answering another's post it all relates in my mind. I will let Miyasa-- the thread's author-- speak for herself on that one. I'll be happy to split the thread or find someone who can if she would like it to be.

We won't be "bored" - we won't "need" to artificially stir up drama - if we actually focus on redirecting ourselves towards happy, healthy living. There's plenty to do there!

The calm after the storm (or between the storms) gives us a chance to row!

We fear boredom because it leaves us alone with ourselves ... and then it's harder to ignore the challenging, but oh so rewarding work we need to do


(I say "we" because I think this is true of everyone, not just people with BPD.)