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I'm really sorry that you had such a horrible childhood.......I'm even more sorry that as an adult, you can't seem to find a way past it. I would pity that toddler-- but I don't pity you.


I don't believe that anger 'goes away on it's own'. However, I do believe that some choose to hold tight to their anger-- making it last and last, sometimes even escalate, until they are consumed by it. Is there a chance that's what you are doing? Holding on to the hurt too much? Feeling 'it's not fair' and therefore you have no chance at happiness in the NOW? Sorry to burst the bubble.....but Life isn't fair. Biggest myth of my childhood. All we can do, IMO, is try to find some balance in our own lives, on our own terms-- seek happiness in our own ways, accepting the 'bad', relishing in the 'good' and handling productively everything in-between.

I'm sorry-- I feel like I'm being a bit blunt too. I mean no harm-- I really feel for where you seem to be. I also believe you and you alone have the power to change life as you know it. It's a choice, just like everything in this world. Maybe, like Jim seems to be suggesting, for now at least you can begin by focusing on stuff that's truly Sarah. Get to know yourself, through and through. How can you judge what you don't seem to really know? You've already got one 'positive' aspect of Sarah that you know to be true--integrity. Why not see if you can build that all-important relationship with yourself off of that and maybe some other 'truths' you know about yourself? Who knows, you might just wind up actually liking the Sarah you are today (not the hurt child or the 'rejected' former self-- who you are RIGHT NOW).

All my best,
H

Maybe the question is not so much whether you have valid reasons, but whether the self-pity, the way it is being felt and processed, is getting you where you want to go?

No, I didn't mean that, exactly. You could be talking about it, writing about it, addressing it's presence and consciously trying to express it from up on a bridge (a bridge over the river, not the bridge of the vessel!), instead of from being on board. Depends on what kind of travel article you are trying to write

Feelings as boats on your mental river is a mindfulness metaphor.

Feelings pass through our minds all the time. We don't have direct control over them. Some we like - joy, peacefulness, love - some we don't - anger, jealousy, fear. We don't have the power to dam off the river and only allow the boats we like in.

We do have a choice - we don't have to ride every boat that comes by. I agree with you; they are real, and we can't (healthily) pretend they aren't there, but we can observe them, watch them, describe them, from up on a bridge. Watch them go by below.

We can't directly control our feelings ... but we don't have to let them control us.



It will come and go. It won't really be the same anger - it will be the SS Anger II, the SS Anger III, etc. They may be very similar vessels, but the river only flows in one direction.

Here it comes again - do look at, describe it, label it. "There's 'anger'". Look at the scary gun mountings, heck, the undead pirate crew if you like that sort of thing. If you find yourself losing the observer perspective, being caught up in it, that's OK, you accidentally got on board. Get back on the bridge.



Well, it's just a mindfulness exercise, like meditation. Maybe it won't help. But maybe it will. Couldn't hurt to give it a try?



At the risk of being too hippy-like, only if you are getting on board to do it



I agree with you completely that if you are troubled by thoughts of pink elephants, that trying real hard not to think of pink elephants is not going to work.

But I'm not so sure that producing dissertations about pink elephants is going to work either. Learning to get to an observer state - where you can say "yep, there's another thought about a pink elephant ... huh. How about that" might be a strategy to try.

Sarah, this is a very judgmental statement. If you are judging you aren't open to change.

Sarah,

You're right - you are more buoyant and I am honestly thrilled to see all this anger spilling out. The anger is externally directed and I think that's a good step in the right direction. I think that for years, you've had this missing piece inside of you that you were looking for some Mister Perfect to fill-in for you and the lack of being able to find the absolute perfect piece to complete the Sarah Puzzle has been frustrating you. They say that depression is anger turned inward. Others have said that anger is frustration turned inward. Whatever it is, I think it's all jumbled up together for you and the more anger you can let out of yourself, the easier it becomes to untangle the strands, neatly roll them up individually and put them away or just walk away from them. Without that jumbled mess inside you, your body is more free to operate as it should - including your heart and soul.


That's very black-and-white and I think you know it. I don't think you're yet able to believe it possible but I think you need to convince yourself to TRUST that it's possible ... that once you can love yourself fully and completely, once you can let go of that nearly-consuming anger toward your parents, once you can be at peace with the idea that love for yourself is capable of filling that internal hole, that YOU are the one who can make you whole -- I think at that point, you'll find someone else ... MANY someone elses love you. Right now, you're not open to it because it's not the right size, shape, weight, texture or density to be the perfect fit for the ever-changing hole inside your heart. Nothing external could ever fit properly.

Right now, and for the past few years, your anger and your frustration have been emanating like toxic waves off you day-in and day-out Sarah. Who really wants to be around that except the toxic dysfunctional men that invariably leave you high and dry? This is truly the epitome of the dog chasing its tail.

I would MUCH rather see you spill out the anger and frustration than mope around in the pity party zone. No, it's not fair that your childhood sucked. No, it's not fair that you didn't live Beaver Cleaver's life and always feel loved. No, it's not fair that you feel unloved right now.

Fair's got nothing to do with it.

Shoot - who is that wanders around here with the Gandhi quote: Be the change you want to see in the world.

No, self-love and appreciation doesn't just happen automatically, with a snap of the fingers. You want love -- how much of it have you put out into the world? ("Mark well, when thou receivest good, so equally art bound to return good threefold.") Right now, I'm seeing anger and blame and frustration being put into the world. Is that REALLY what you want coming back to you threefold?

Harmonium pointed out the Existential Paradox, aptly so. Get that anger out, cry your tears, rage against the injustice of it all, scream until your throat is raw, beat the mattress with your fists until you collapse in fatigue - do whatever it takes to expel the anger. And then move on.

You can't keep blaming them, Sarah. You said yourself that you haven't talked to your dad in two months.

* How is he to blame for your misery right now?

* Did he force you to relive your childhood?

* Did he set you up with a dysfunctional loser/total freak?

* Did he tell you to give up hope on ever finding love?

* Or are these all things that you've done to and told yourself?

You're the only one pulling your strings at this point, Sarah. Not your Mum. Not your Dad. YOU.

And until you can cut those strings, accept that your childhood sucked, recognize that your parents failed you and start living the life YOU want, not the life that was handed to you.

You've stopped smoking pot, you've started exercising. Do you blame your parents for that? No, probably not. So in some areas, you're able to live independently from them but in other areas you revert to the wounded child and lash out at the mean world for being stinky to you. It's time for the capable, confident, responsible, caring, talented, creative adult to put the cranky, bitter child to bed and start setting limits for her. You don't like me saying "pity party." I'm not saying "pity party" to the talented adult, to the Genuine Sarah. I'm saying "the petulant child is throwing another pity party." Which one do you want to be, Sarah? It is truly your choice. Your parents have no say in the matter. I have no say in the matter. You are the only one who gets to choose who you want to be for the rest of your life. YOU HAVE THAT POWER.

If you want love in your life, it's time to set aside the anger. It's time to let go of the anger. It's time to forgive your parents for failing you. You needn't forget what they did (or didn't do.) You just don't need to keep reliving the past as if it was today. They're physically out of your life. They're not telling you what to do (or not do.) They're not the ones making the messes. You are. And if you want the messiness to stop, it's up to you - not them.

Tangent time ...

I have this glass of water and it's sitting directly under the faucet. Plenty of water all over the place.



Ya know, I would sure love some orange juice. I have orange juice in the fridge. How can I pour the orange juice I want into that glass with all that water in there?



Right now, you're leaving the glass under the faucet, letting it overflow with scalding hot water and pining over the orange juice that the world is denying you.

No one's denying you anything. You have all the tools you need. You have access to the orange juice (love). But first you have to turn off the faucet of hot water (anger, resentment, blame, pity) and choose to fill that glass (yourself) with what you really want: orange juice.

Don't forget the power of friendship. Humans are social animals. We need other people. That's normal.

We do get love from our friends.

Strive for healthy friendships. You don't have to be alone.

I could not have learned to love myself the way I have without friendships being part of the picture.

Having a significant other didn't do it. Didn't cause me to love myself. Friendships, though, have been key to developing self love.

There's a lot here to read and that'll take me a while to digest and respond to.

In the meantime, I'd like to make it very clear that I actually like hippies, consider myself somewhat a genX hippie, and if any judgment is harboured regarding hippies it is only a positive one that renders my mind completely open to. My statement regarding hippies is somewhat like me believing wholeheartedly in left wing politics. It's all very leftie, but that ain't gonna help my problems right now - unrelated. However Auspicious has explained himself quite thoroughly (how it is related in his mind) and that is also something, once I've digested, I'll respond to.

I'm finding all of these comprehensive replies a bit too much to respond to - it would take me over an hour.

However, in summary, I've also had a talk to my shrink and feel things are much more in place after a decent weekend and the usual time it takes to get one's head back together.

Harmonium I've never asked people to pity me or to join in whatever self pity I have. I don't need lectures about things I've not said and am not doing. This just makes me frustrated (which is apparently what anger is!) - I would rather work on the things in need of work that explain things people have assumed or misread.

I'm afraid your post triggered me a bit, which is my stuff, and sadly it's making it harder for me to get the good stuff out of it. I'm sure this will be short lived.

However raising the Existential Paradox seemed apt and I appreciate that. I think you're a kind and wise person, and I wish I could be more open to your comments right now. I will. I know I'll come back. I always do.

Auspicious I hear what you're saying about dealing with anger and have taken heed. Good points. Thank you. You may like to read what I've written to Ash, as it addresses a lot of what you've written.

skiotter I found your comment not only incorrect, but ill timed and tactless. Call me defensive, call me what you will, that's just how I feel about it. This isn't about how I feel about you, it's how I feel about your post.

Ash Thanks for your helpful, thoughtful, intelligent post (as always). I'm trying, Fuck I'm trying. I thought it would be a good thing to vent some anger.

I can't really explain this, but I'll try - the posts I've received I find so confronting, especially those from people I barely know. I know i do that all the time around here. C'est la vie. Recently when talking to my T, he said that his patients almost always say that therapy is the hardest thing they've ever done. I can very much relate tot his sentiment. But I have a relationship with my T based on firm boundaries, a one way relationship of analysis, and trust. I don't have that with everyone here which makes me feel really exposed and it just feels more confronting and harder than in that room with my T.

I do feel a bit confused about all this information. I'm to express this anger, scream and get it out. But I'm also to let go of it. It'll take more than a screaming into the pillow session to let it out, and I'm not really sure how much I'm getting on Auspicious's metaphorical boat. I need to think more about what he's written.

If I answer your asterisked questions it'll be an exercise in jumping on the anger boat and I'll be accused of throwing a pity party.

But I see your point about the petulant child. I think rather mistreated, frustrated unrecognised child actually. Maybe that's why she's petulant, but the whys don't seem to make any difference in the outside world, or indeed my internal one, any more.

When I talk to my T about my childhood or my anger now and all that blending of past and present, well, he's gentle with me about it, and it makes me feel like it's ok to pity that child in me. You may've read this recently (from somewhere familiar), a quote from a book I'm reading:

"Pity is the awful lost dazed brother of empathy. Pity doesn't know what to do with itself so it just goes Awwwwwwwww."

This applies to other people, but not yourself. Being the subject of pity is repulsive - it's useless, as the quote above suggests. What can you get out of "Awwwwwwwww"? Applying empathy to oneself isn't really possible. How can you not put yourself in your own shoes? Empathy for oneself IS self pity really. It's recognising how shitty it is. That whatever the situation is/was isn't ok, isn't acceptable. What I have trouble accepting is the injustice. Harmonium and yourself pointed out that life just IS unfair. So? So what? Does that make it any easier for a woman who's lost her husband and three children in a theft/murder any easier to accept the injustice of it?

I don't know where the balance is. Of acknowledging, expressing and just plain letting go. But whatever is bubbling up inside me that feels like anger doesn't seem possible to walk away from, to let go. It's IN there. You can't walk away from your insides.

Ellen - thank you for reminding me of my friends. I have a small handful of very dear friends who make me feel like the most wonderful person in the world.

____________________________


Thank you for the time people have put into helping me - I am ever appreciative of this.

Over the next couple of days I'll read over Auspicious's post a few more times and see if I can make more sense of it and how it applies to me.

You do a very good job of venting your anger. But it does seem to be a never-ending supply of anger. My suggestion to beat the crud out of your mattress & scream until your throat is sore was an attempt to coax you into draining as much as humanly possible in one sitting - or over a long weekend, or over a one-week spiritual retreat or whatever. As long as you keep it in there, as long as you find new reasons to become angry over the neglect or abuse or mistreatment you were subjected to years ago (even as recent as last week or two months ago), you are riding on the boat Auspicious describes. That anger is still there for you to float upon.

It's clouding everything you see. You know the saying "seeing life through rose-colored glasses"? You're seeing life through anger-colored glasses, Sarah. You're angry at men for not being Mr Perfect. You're angry at your parents for your childhood. You're angry that you didn't get the Norman Rockwell painting version of childhood. You're angry that you don't have some fantastic adult-based relationship with your parents.

All of these things are valid. You're allowed to be angry about the unfairness of it all. I get that.

But you're clinging to the anger as if doing so will change things for the better. The past can't be changed. Being angry won't attract a worthwhile life partner. Being angry won't get you the next promotion or plum assignment.



It's time to cleanse yourself of the anger. Get it out. Get good and angry. Have your last angry hurrah. And then move on from it.

So what WILL it take? And remember that it has to come from you, not anyone else. You can't hang this on waiting for an apology or an admission of fault from someone else because you can't control other people. What will it take for you to finally let go of the injustice-based anger you've clung tightly to for so many years? Will a venting session leading to intense physical exhaustion do it for you? Do you want to do some sort of independent ritual in which you package up symbols of all the things that are recurring themes from the past and ceremoniously say good-bye to them? Would a weekend of quiet meditation do the trick?

Whatever it is, it's time to let it out and let go so that you can refill yourself with the wonderful things you want in life. Don't you want that for yourself? I know I want that for you.

Speaking from personal experience, my life has improved dramatically since I let go of the anger from my childhood. Sure, things sucked back then but they don't now. Sure, it would have been nice to have June Cleaver as my mom but I didn't - and not only did I survive, I thrived. I honestly don't think I'd be the person I am today if those things hadn't happened - good, bad or indifferent. I am here, I am happy overall and I am proud of the things I've overcome. I enjoy swimming in the water and immersing myself in life. Being on that anger boat for so many years was pretty lonely and sad.

I'm with Ash. I had crappy parenting too, it screwed me up, and I had a whole lot of anger about it. Unfortunately, by the time I got into therapy and really understood my anger and what it was doing to me, my father had died and my mother was too far into dementia to come to any kind of resolution or reconciliation, so any end to this endless "dance of anger" had to come from within me. I had to just let it go. Doesn't mean I've forgotten, or that I don't care or don't have regrets or even that I've necessarily forgiven those who played parts in this. It's about not letting it color my present or my future. When shitty stuff happens in my life now, I don't revisit the past and think "if my parents hadn't done [whatever] I wouldn't be suffering now/think this way/act this way/add your own consequence." I know it sounds simplistic to say "just let it go," but in reality it really is just about that simple. You have to want to -- I guess it's like quitting smoking or drinking or whatever that way. You're giving up an addictive and destructive mindset that provides temporary relief (it feels good to blame someone for what's going wrong in your life). The same thing is true of other self-defeating stuff, like continually playing the tape in your head that says "nobody will ever love me/I'm unlovable" or whatever.

I was just reading over the weekend a local magazine that had a couple of stories about people who had suffered serious hardships and survived. One woman had been run off the road in her car, and ended up paralyzed from the chest down. Obviously she was angry about her situation and at the bozo in the other car, but her mother came into the hospital one day and told her "You have five minutes of sulking, because you have the rest of your life." Whatever she was going to be able to make of her life after this accident, it was going to require major amounts of courage and determination, and self-pity was not going to help. She hasn't forgotten what the other guy did, and she works with an organization that promotes driver safety, but she doesn't concentrate on her anger or her losses.

One of the other women had been involved in a horrendously abusive (severe beatings) relationship, and then a number of years later had to end another when her boyfriend became an alcoholic and didn't stick with rehab. Then on top of that, she was diagnosed with cancer, and the treatments left her infertile. She channels her anger and sadness into a business, while also volunteering for the local domestic violence shelter and a cancer charity.

Another article in the magazine was written by a therapist and life coach, about strategies to take when "your world is falling apart." A few tidbits:

*we often can't change circumstances, but we can change our intentional activities -- what we do and how we think

*happy people nurture relationships with family and friends, consciously focus on gratitude and are quick to help others

*when you're feeling hurt/stressed, quiet your mind and focus only on the present moment

*"consider that life is still a gift... step back, get your breath, and focus on the good stuff"

She also mentions a Buddhist saying: "Peace is like a sun that's always shining in your heart. It's just hidden behind clouds of fear, doubt, and worry about the past or future. The sun comes out only when you are in the present, letting go of thinking, and relaxing."

Do you do any volunteering? That's something that helped the two women in the articles, and it's helped me as well. It's good to get your mind out of your own head and directed to someone else in need. I'm not saying that you are unaware that there are people who are worse off in life than you are, but it's amazing sometimes how much more it's clear when you're actually either face to face with people who are really struggling and trying to help them, or even just doing something that indirectly helps them. I mostly do some things through my church -- I know you're not religious so that won't work for you, but I'm sure there are many organizations near you that could use your help. Since you work with computers/web design, maybe tutor some kids? I don't know what other interests you have, and maybe you already are involved in volunteering -- if you are, I hope you also have found that it can really put things in perspective, and help us realize that others have had rotten lives too but are too busy trying to move forward to spend much time worrying about the past.

I'm sorry to hear that you are triggered by what I wrote. I sincerely was trying to help.

I was responding to this (in the post directly above mine, written by you) :

I was answering your question, using the Paradox as illustration. Looking back, I can see that your question was rhetorical. I am sorry.

I do wish you well and I believe you are getting some amazing feedback around here. I do understand how it feels when someone 'triggers' so I'm happy to just sit back for a while. I just thought it might help you to understand what I said and why if I explained it.

All my best,
Harmonium

Been wanting to get back to this thread but have been struck by a nasty case of food poisoning. Will return ASAP.

Hope you feel better soon!

I'm in the middle of a draft reply to this. Just haven't had time to get it right.

I made it back!

So I mulled over all the things I'd read in this thread for a week or so, drafted a reply which got deleted in a wee computer restart, and have collected my thoughts on the matter in a coherent fashion (or so I hope).

This process reminds me of how my mind tends to operate (which I'd forgotten about!) - I'm the kind of person who needs to really understand something to it's very core before it can be of great benefit to me. This is perhaps why religion doesn't appeal to me bc little leaps of faith tend to be inspiring and generate momentum in what they promise, but for me, the momentum is short-lived and it tapers off into a vague "now why was it I was doing this?" fizz. I need to analyse stuff, let it mull over, and when it make serious logical sense I'm a changed person for it. I can't go back on what I've learned.

So, this whole anger issue hasn't been resolved for me - the analysis keeps coming back with an "I don't compute" message and it's bc I haven't found a logical path that works for me. Not to say there hasn't been one that works for others, just not for my kinda logic. So although much of the advice has possessed great wisdom and helpful things for yourselves and others, there have been tiny leaps of faith involved. The main one being "let go of the anger" and I keep coming back with "how?". Punching pillows seems a little too easy bc I've been metaphorically punching pillows for years. etc etc. It just hasn't added up in the way my little brain needs it to in order to have a lasting and profound effect on how I look at all of this.

But everything I read here made a contribution to my greater picture, somewhere and somehow. The big thing that stood out from this thread for me is the notion of choice. Exactly where in the process choice is mine has taken some time to grasp.

Anyway, I've come out with something and I'd like to share my conclusions.

This petulant child thing sits badly with me and has been doing so for a while, whether it's in the form of a pity party or otherwise. This child is struggling to grow and put-down-name-calling only perpetuates it. Telling her to grow up doesn't give her what she needs to do it. Naming the problem doesn't equate with a cure. So my little petulant child is just that way for a reason, a good logical reason: the psyche has proven repeatedly to follow very strict logic in it's illogical way. In that reason lies clues to cures. My petulant child may very well be angry, which we've deduced is a result of frustration (and the cause of depression). Frustration with what? Frustration always comes back to the same thing really - we only get frustrated when we cannot control something. Control. Control gives us that special word i mentioned above - choice.

I tell ya I'm frustrated as hell with the lack of control I feel I have over my life. The past and the present and consequently the future too. My whole life is a ball of frustration at this lack of control. I see it in my friendships, int he people I feel angry towards, in my work, even in my bloody wardrobe.

When I look at all of the ways I feeI have no control it always comes back to the same reason: I have no control bc if I assert control I fear abandonment. This winds up in a tragic loop of anger towards myself as it's me who limits my own control.

By relinquishing my control I often withdraw, which is perceived as pushing people away or not caring.

My frustration pushes people away.

My anger pushes people away.

My depression pushes people away.

All manifesting the very abandonment I so fear.

Anyway - I made a little diagram which i think is tres cool. Unfortunately Photobucket wants to sabotage my brilliance so I've had to create it in 2 sections.




Essentially, I think my point is that anger has a much greater context and dealing with it, for myself, requires understanding that context; address the cause rather than the symptoms. It seems to me that in order to address this anger I need to make a turning point somewhere between fear and relinquishing control. It's back to that irrational fear stuff and the problem with this is that although the fear arising from an original abandonment can be well argued that it doesn't mean it will happen again, when you've had 36 years of this pattern there's actually a shitload of evidence that it will, basically because this little loop ensures it. The ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy.

This fear, if followed through with relinquishing control, is so utterly destructive! It stops me from enforcing boundaries, which in turn informs me that I'm not worth the boundaries I need to enforce. It holds me in unsatisfying relationships, jobs, etc. It sustains me in a static state.

All of this makes so much sense - why I'm so frustrated, angry and depressed. The more I get this notion into my head the more tragic it seems I've been doing this for all these years . The relationships I've sacrificed myself for only to have them end anyway! The investment is a totally false economy. But although I feel sad at finally seeing why my past has been so unsatisfying, I suddenly feel really empowered - independent, bc I'm just not bloody well going to do this to myself anymore!

So that's what I'm working on right now: seizing control over situations where I'd otherwise relinquish it through a fear of rejection/abandonment.

_____________________________

Harmonium - I think you probably understand that I do not direct any of the feelings I had about your post in this thread towards you personally - I realised it was my stuff. I'm over it now, along with a lot of frustration. So I hope that you are cool with this too. Thank you for your thoughtful words, as hard as some thoughtful words may be to swallow on the receiving end.

{edited once to change grammar to make things make sense}

It's all good, Sarah, always was.

Absolutely brilliant post! Wow.

WOW!!!
I have been thinking about this thread a lot, Sarah, and trying to relate it to my own struggles right now. My seeming resistance to change and stopping/starting with recovery. I thought it was awesome how you were able to identify the root of your problem - the anger - and I think that is critical in being able to break old patterns and develop new ones. So this thread has motivated me to search for the root of my issue/issues so that I too can get out of this cycle of dysfunction and self-destruction.
Way to go!
NAM

I like "Sarah's Circle" (for lack of a better term at the moment) -- it reminds me of the Personal Accountability Model with its Accountability Loop and Victim Loop.

Perhaps it's nitpicky of me and a little too Freudian (reading too much into things) but I would love to see the green circle on top to show that the positive stuff can overcome / come out on top of the orange / negative stuff - like the Personal Accountability loops with the positive on top and negative on bottom.

I'd like to spend some more time looking at the model you created along with the words you've shared. Something isn't sitting right for me but I can't put my finger on it. Like there's a disconnect or something's out of order, not matching the words with the circles. Dunno - would take some anaylsis and careful inspection but I'm caught up in work stuff at the moment.

If you assert control, you risk abandonment.

I get that. I really do. There comes a point when the (potential) rewards outweigh the (potential) risks. I swear it's in my book somewhere but it comes down to - as I called it - a leap of faith. Standing at the edge of a cliff in the pitch black darkness and stepping off the cliff not knowing if there's a step six inches below the edge or if you will fall into a crevasse or if there will be a canopy to break your fall.

I know The Cliff is long but I hope you have a chance to read it and place yourself in her shoes. The edge of that cliff is represented in your diagram where the orange and green circles touch. You have that junction:


You are at that fork in the road a hundred times a day (as we all are) and your default is to take the orange path.

The poem about the cliff doesn't specify it but she ultimately takes the left path, the bumpy, uneven, winding path. She stumbles a few times but ultimately it leads her to a much nicer area of her life and the path itself smooths out after a while. The path to the right was a large loop which would have been easy enough to take, being smooth and all, but it never would have advanced her; she would have ended up at the exact same spot over and over again until she made the difficult choice to choose the harder path - to get out of her comfort zone and venture into the scary unknown - the green path, with its risks and rewards.

There is a lot of mystery in this stuff, though, isn't there?

How does therapy work, for example? Is the therapist guiding you, or do you guide yourself? The answer, of course, is yes

Or sometimes we need to let go of our airtight proofs that our problem is insoluble, and just solve it anyway

I think C.S. Lewis said something like "if you see through everything, you end up blind."

I haven't yet had a chance to do more than print the diagram & look at it again. Two things came to mind ...

1. Why is the orange / Rejection circle so much larger than the green / Empowerment circle?

2. The word "seize" seems more aggressive to me rather than assertive in nature.

I don't suppose there's anything inherently wrong with using an aggressive term rather than simply an assertive one but it strikes me that this may be symbolic of the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other. From relinquishing control as part of the auto-pilot default setting on the one end of the spectrum to wrestling control from the situation as part of an overcompensation for past relinquishments where I think the goal is to end up in an auto-default mode of requesting or sliding into a place of control ultimately. That it becomes less combative, if you will.

That leads me to something else ... that the control itself has ALWAYS been there. You've always had the control, Sarah. There's nothing to fight for. Since you can only control yourself, you've always had that control. Refusing to take that control isn't someone else's fault and they haven't walked away with your control. You needn't chase after them, wrestle them to the ground and triumphantly grab the control back from them.

I imagine the difference in circle size is just an artifact of the software she used to create the circles, along with the larger circle having more steps.

I agree with what Ash has said in her last post. I feel that you need to add Radical Acceptance as part of your means of overcoming Fear in that you must accept that Control only applies to what YOU think, feel and do. You will never have control over situations, only yourself, and by doing so you will have greater influence over situations.

I originally had thoughts along a similar line: that the top circle was one image and the bottom circle might have been a second image that Photobucket resized but "Relinquish Control" and "Seize Control" are both exactly the same size. It may have something to do with 5 boxes in the orange circle and only 3 for the green circle but since the length of the circle-shaped arrows can be adjusted, it seems more (subconsciously) deliberate than a default of a program. Could be wrong - freely admitting to conjecture here, just noting that I did consider a software sizing issue.

No, Ash, I wasn't suggesting that image resizing had anything to do with it, as you seem to think. I was suggesting that it's the number of boxes, as you put it. I said that pretty directly, I just used the words steps. And I personally see no reason to dismiss that idea.

Sarah, I do think Ash's suggestions are worth considering if you choose to remake the graphic.