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That's IT!!!! I am DONE DONE DONE with drinking - for real this time! I am sick of waking up with regrets of the night before. Shit I am so pissed off right now and I just want to scream I HATE MYSELF!!! But that's not going to help anything...
I need to put this in writing to hold myself accountable. I am quitting drinking. Today, August 16, 2009. I have the materials from the WFS "New Life Program." I have started and stopped reading them numerous times. Now it is time to do it for real. I am committing myself to sobriety right now. No turning back. I am sick of starting and stopping. Stalling recovery. From my drinking problem, from BPD, from my physical problems too. I am going to start with one thing - sobriety - and build from there.

HOORAY NAM!!!!!!
So proud of you - you can do it!

Good for you! Let us know how you get on...

Thanks, guys... I will keep everyone updated. Like I said, I have tried to quit before and was not successful so I will be coming here for all the support I can get.
Hugs,
NAM

From a fellow "never going to drink again as of today" friend, I am here for you! Yay!!!!!!!!!! for you for making the decision to quit. It is a hard ole row to hoe and you need a lot of support doing it. We are here for you and supporting you every step of the way so never forget, no matter how hard it gets, that there are real people in your corner rooting you on. I will be watching this thread in order to try to be here for you should you be in a moment to slip a bit. Even if no one responds right away know that we are here for you; are in your corner; are rooting for you and are very, very proud of you!

I'm happy for you to NAM. I think it's a wise choice to quit doing something, anything, that keeps you stuck in dysfunction. Way to go!

That said......I used to be a pill-head. I tried and tried to quit, but I always rationalized excuses to take more again. In the end, I needed a plan to quit. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I think you need to form a plan in your mind or on paper for what to do when you feel like drinking.

How will you handle the emotions that come with not drinking?
What can you do to curb the urge?
Why weren't you successful before and what can you change this time to prevent the same thing happening again?

There are tons of questions about this you can ask yourself-- those were just a few. I am proud of you for taking this step, but I believe you are more likely to be successful if you try to plan out alternatives for when you want to drink. You could even make a list of reasons you DON'T wish to drink and review that every time you have the urge. Stuff like that really helped me, maybe it will help you too.

Thank you everyone for your replies and (((Rodi))) thank you for offering to "be there."
Harmonium -
Good idea to come up with a plan. Last night I did sit down and make a list of all the horrible things I could think of that happened while I was drinking. Some of the more recent ones I wrote in detail. I wrote out word-for-word some horribly nasty text messages I sent to someone while I was drunk because I am so ashamed of them and feel like an evil person for sending them. So I hope to be able to pull out that list when/if I get the urge to drink again.
You are right, though, I also need a list of "alternative activities" or a game plan for when I am in a situation where others are drinking.
Will keep everyone updated!
NAM

Okay, so the list of reasons why I don't want to drink anymore is really long - too long to post here - so I will sum it up: I don't like embarrassing myself; I didn't like that I would insult my friends when I was drunk; I cracked my car up twice within the last 4 months; I disappointed my sister (passed out early at her BBQ last summer); I "caused a scene" at a party last month; I hated how it felt to be so sick from drinking that I was puking all night (last April); I was making drinking too much of a priority (always thinking about what I would have to drink when I went out somewhere); I HATED driving drunk and not remembering how I got home and having to check to make sure my car was safely in the driveway- in one piece - the next day; and I hated acting like a child when I am actually 31 years old.

Okay, so here is what I came up with for a "plan" so far:
1. How will you handle the emotions that come with not drinking?
- I will remind myself that I made this choice in order to better my life.
- I will tell myself that I don't need alcohol - there are far healthier ways of dealing with my emotions.
- I will not let myself feel "left out" if everyone else is drinking. After all, I am doing what is best for me. They are making their choice (to drink), I am making mine (to be sober).

2. What can you do to curb the urge?
- Drink something else that is yummy. Make myself a special non-alcoholic drink.
- If I am home and want to drink because I am lonely or bored, I can go for a walk or go to the gym. I can read a book or watch a movie. I can chat online with people at BPDR, Yahoo, or Women For Sobriety chat groups.
- If I am going to a party, I can bring my own non-alcoholic drink.

3. Why weren't you successful before and what can you change this time to prevent the same thing happening again?
- I was with someone who drank a lot and encouraged me to drink - in moderation (which I was not capable of).
- I made excuses for why it was okay to drink (I am mad, lonely, stressed out, bored). It is no longer okay to drink - ever! I need to remember and refer back to my list of reasons why I quit!
- I thought of it as being "forever." If I can think of it as "taking a break for now," I may be able to one day go back to drinking, but do it in true moderation this time.
- I can use the online chat forums this time - go there and talk to people when I feel myself slipping. No more doing it alone like last time!
- The consequences were not as bad last time. Now I have lost my relationship, damaged my car and put myself at risk for being arrested. It is a do or die situation now.

4. Why did I used to drink and how else can I get those "needs" met?
- Mostly, I started drinking to feel like I "fit in."
- How else can I make myself "fit in" in social situations? I can strike up conversations with people I don't know. I can offer to be the official photographer. I can be designated driver! People will looove that!
- I can bring a really great dish to a party! Then instead of being "the wild party girl" at the party I can be "the great cook!"
- Sometimes I would drink when I felt down on myself or disappointed about something I had done. Well doesn't drinking just make me feel lower? And more disappointed when I do something that I later regret? How about something positive for myself...pampering myself in some way? FORGIVE myself...
- Sometimes I would drink impulsively - as a means to get that loose, out-of-control, I-don't-give-a-shit feeling. - Alternative: figure out why I want to have that "out-of-control feeling" - try doing the 5 steps to figure out why I feel like I need to let loose and come up with another course of action (besides drinking) that will relieve some of the stress I am feeling.
- I would drink when I was bored and home alone - for fun. What else can I do for fun? Go out somewhere - to the mall, downtown, walk around, be around people. Go online and chat with folks there. Watch a funny movie. Cook something really nice for myself. Make something for someone else.

(Thank you Harmonium for 1-3; I added #4)

I don't want to be "fucked up" anymore!! I am finally committing myself to recovery...from BPD and my drinking problem!! No turning back.

Great job, NAM! I'm impressed with the work you are doing on this-- I think it's a good indicator of ultimate success in this area. Way to go.

While reading your posts, I got to thinking (surprise, surprise, lol). Anyway, what I'm thinking is that all these reasons you have for not wanting to drink and even the ones about why you did want to drink.......they all give you clues to that Authentic Self we've been talking about. It can help you figure out who you are and what type of person you want to be.

As in....you mentioned disappointing your sister, so that says to me that you are a type of person that doesn't like to let those you care about down. It can lead to guilt, huh? So....maybe by recognizing that you can more align your actions with your AS-- i.e. don't do anything that would hurt those that you care about. That's really simplified and seems like it would just be a 'duh' thing, but it took me a long time to connect these things. I always felt guilt and remorse for some of my actions, but because I didn't really have a stable enough sense of self I couldn't not do the things that caused the guilt. I didn't even realize what was causing the guilt/remorse/anxiety and I always had a 'reason' why I inevitably hurt my loved ones (it was of course always out of my control, or so I thought at the time). I just didn't put it together that by doing that, and not taking responsibility for it, I was going against my true self, my AS and until I began aligning my actions with my true self....well, nothing worked out. I really believe linking these things is a great was to embrace and discover you Authentic Self, therefore obtaining a real stable identity.

Oh, last bit-- I know you are very determined and committed to making these changes work. But....you're human too, so you might want to at least acknowledge that it's a possibility that you will mess up at some point. It doesn't mean you have failed, it's just a set-back. Having a plan for 'what if I fuck up' helps too. That way you won't be as likely to beat yourself up over human nature (we all make mistakes!). Just a thought.

Sorry NAM, I guess I got a little off topic with this post. That wasn't my intention; I actually believe that linking all of this will help you to stay sober. I hope you don't mind the sideways!

Again, really good work NAM. We will be here for you when you need support. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us if you need it; we can be a great sourse of support for you in this. I really do wish you all the best in this!

Thanks, Harmonium. Will add "what if I fuck up" to the document I call "The Plan for Staying Sober" Good idea. And no, I don't think you got off track at all - I was kind of making the same connection and funny that you picked out the one about my sis because I was already focusing on that too! Oddly, that particular sister (out of the 3 I have) has been my inspiration before... when I lost 98lbs on Weight Watchers right before her wedding. There is something there - I am the closest in age to her and I think I feel this need to be a good role model, a big sis she can look up to... still reaching for what it really is but something along those lines. The oldest sister - the only one older than me - was kicked out of the house by my father when I was like 8? 9? so I felt sort of deprived of a big sis and maybe now I want to make sure my lil sis can look up to me. I don't know now I am getting off track! haha
Thanks again for being there. Day 3 and still feeling at peace.

Just wanted to say good job on the planning... and congratulations on your three days!

5. What if I fuck up?
- I will remind myself of what I learned in Weight Watchers - just because you drop one egg, doesn't mean you go and smash the whole dozen. One bad day does not ruin a diet or a sobriety plan!
- It's okay to fall off the wagon, just don't let it run you over or get to the next town without you!
- If I have a drink - or more - I will forgive myself. I will get rid of any alcohol that may still be in my house. I will do something healthy for myself the next day, something self-nourishing. And I will start over.

Thanks, Echoes!!!

I just found out that there is a WFS (women for sobriety) meeting tonight...thinking about going... a little nervous! But I figure it makes more sense to go tonight than wait a week and go next Tues. I may get some helpful ideas for my first sober weekend this weekend (yup already worried about how to handle that and don't really even have anything planned except dinner Fri. with some people who don't really drink much anyway)

It sounds like you are totally on the right track for you. Congratulations!

I, personally, have a really hard time with the "none or all" thing. If you tell me, or if I tell myself that I can have "none" of something then that is all I think about. It is why I fail miserably at all diets, lol. Healthy eating I usually do, but if I tell myself I can ONLY do healthy eating and fast food (specifically, mexican food) is a no-no, then that is ALL I want and crave. I used to drink about 1/3 of a liter of hard alcohol per day (specifically, whiskey), every day. For me to go from that to NONE was impossible. Now, I keep a bottle of wine in the fridge and find reasons or something better to do than drink it. I know it is there if I want it and no one is going to kill me if I have it, but I think: "I will pour me a glass of wine........but first I'm going to do X. Then, I will pour me a glass, but first I'm going to do Y, then comes Z. Then it is time for bed and I think......"I made the day to bedtime without pouring it, why waste the effort and wine now?" Then I go to bed. I don't actually "deny" myself, because that would be the first thing that would send me running for a bottle. I just find something else that needs to be done before I "reward" myself with a glass, then something else, then something else, then something else. Then it is too late to even bother so I go to sleep. I wake up feeling better, more energetic and ready to meet the next day. Such a new thing for me. I used to spend so many days stating that I wasn't hung over, I was just "tired" because all I wanted to do was sleep. Yeah, that was a hangover. A headache and puking are not all of the symptoms of a hangover, lol.

Quitting an addiction is the hardest thing, and the easiest thing (when your mind is committed). Your mind makes the decision even when your body says otherwise. Finding other things to keep you busy is a great thing, imo. I think your lists are fabulous and I wish I could commit to stuff like that. I just take a day at a time. Whatever works. I think Harmonium asked some great questions and you did a great job answering. Hang in there because you have made great strides and are well on your way! Kudos and respect to you!

Me too! I did Weight Watchers a few years ago, but I still found ways to "cheat" and have the junk food...overall, it was not a very healthy way to do the program because I would "save" my points (daily allowance) for junk food and not get enough good nutrition. But with drinking, at least right now, it has to be all or nothing. I can't have it around. BUT I am telling myself that this (sobriety) is just for now...just while I work on some other stuff (i.e. recovery from BPD, losing weight, getting my carpal tunnel syndrome fixed). That way it doesn't sound so dooming. I could end up staying sober for life, I could like being sober, but for now I am telling myself that I am just quitting "for a while." Get it? A little mind trick...


OMG how do you do that?? There is no way I could do that but kudos to you! Actually, last night I went to my first Women for Sobriety meeting and a woman was talking about how proud she was that she went on a tour of a vineyard and did not participate in the wine tasting! And the whole time that she was describing the tour, I was licking my lips and wishing I still had wine at home to drink after the meeting!!! Oh boy... haha


Hahaha exactly! I love waking up on a Saturday morning NOT hungover! With energy to actually enjoy the day! Especially now that it is summer and beautiful out!

Thanks again for being there... going to do a separate post on the meeting last night.

I went to my first WFS (Women for Sobriety) meeting last night. It was tough. I felt uncomfortable, awkward... Afterward, I felt like throwing in the towel. I was thinking "I don't need this - I can control my drinking, I just have to be more careful about monitoring myself and not going overboard." I wanted to go home and have some wine...good thing I dumped it all out on Sunday! Today I feel a little uneasy and even some... anger? It's weird. I can't seem to settle down and focus at work. I have been reading over the WFS materials and going over the 13 statements and I feel just this inexplicable anger. Guess it must be that part of me that is so incredibly resistant to change!

But I have resolved myself to stick with it. I have to grow up a little and do the responsible thing. And this is a necessary step in my recovery from BPD and other issues that are plaguing me right now.

Congrats on this decision!

This is the exact type of situation I was talking about where having a plan in place can help you get through it. I'm glad that you went....now you know more about yourself and your reaction to this kind of thing, so you can form new plans based on the new information. Make sense?


I would agree with your assessment that part of this may simply be a resistance to change. However....couldn't some of the emotional volatility be caused because you are accustomed to handling your problems with a bottle? Or even maybe some withdrawal-type issue? I think it's quite possible that now that you have committed to forming new, healthier ways of dealing-- you will have to actually come up with (or just brush off the dust, lol) and use those tools.

I find anger to be a secondary emotion for me. As in, my primary emotion would be more along the lines of feelings of injustice or betrayal or indecision. I find that if I can figure out exactly what is causeing the anger-- and especially why it expresses as anger-- I can then challenge my thoughts on the subject to belay that negative emotion. See? Perception= Thought= Feeling= Emotion. Figure out what perceptions/thoughts/feelings have led you to the anger and challenge them with your Authentic Self and logic. It can work wonders!


I couldn't agree more! You are doing great so far, keep it up!

Can you give me an example of what you mean, Harmonium? Thanks!

Sure, I'll try at least.

You went to your meeting with (probably) the expectation that it would help you in your sobriety (come up with ideas for staying sober), correct? Even though you were nervous about it beforehand, you still went. Besides just going ahead to the meeting, what did you do/think about concerning the nerves you were feeling?

The new information is that after completion of this meeting, instead (or maybe in addition to) of gaining more tools to prevent you from drinking, you wanted to drink.

You now know that this type of meeting inspires feelings of awkwardness in you. You can PLAN for that, come up with mantras to tell yourself in the moment or get to the bottom of why you feel awkward in this situation. You can prepare yourself so that next time, it will be less awkward. And the time after that even less awkward and so on until you actually feel good when you go (at least, that would be one of my new smaller goals/plans). You can, at the very least, change your own expectation to "I may feel awkward doing this, but I believe it will help in the long run and I'm willing to do it anyway". You did go anyway this time, but are you willing to go back?

As for the feelings of wanting to drink afterwards.....that's new info too, isn't it? Why did you want to drink-- was it because you felt awkward and didn't know how to handle the emotion? Was it because that's what you usually do in that situation? I don't know, only you know why, but my thinking is if you can figure out what instigated the urge to drink, you can plan around it. You can come up with a better plan to handle your emotions or you can come up with ways to get your mind off drinking when the urge arises.

Was the meeting to forward for you? Again, new info-- you felt like throwing in the towel afterwards. Why? Was it too difficult? Again, I don't know but you do and knowing is half the battle, lol. If you can figure out why it was 'awkward' for you, what about it made you uncomfortable and why, there are things you can do to belay those feelings (make them better). It's possible, by all this planning and figuring yourself out, that you can grow as a person in a healthy way so as this type of situation doesn't faze you anymore. It is a battle, things like this-- an internal one. But, it's also doable.

It's great to think that you can handle this on your own and that you are not going to go overboard........but the truth (reality) is that just one sobriety meeting caused you to want to give in and drink. What plan can you come up with for dealing with that? It also brought out emotions you were not expecting (anger)-- how can you handle these emotions/what plan do you have in place to handle an unexpected emotion?

Goal setting, for me, works like this:
1. Set a major, long-term goal.
2. Set smaller, short-term attainable goals that will eventually lead me to my main, long-term goal. It's important that these be attainable-- realistic-- because every time you can cross one off as completed it boosts you drive and confidence to continue to try to meet that big goal.
3. Adjust the smaller goals every time new information is gained. As in, if I discover something I didn't know before along the way I might set a new small attainable goal to deal with the new information.
4. No blaming myself or harming myself if I fail to meet any goal. Simply revise the plan and keep moving forward.

Does that help to clarify? If not, I can try again. I really think what you are trying to do is a very healthy, positive long-term goal. I also think you can achieve it. But....I think it helps to plan, for everything and anything and revise those plans (smaller goals) when new information comes your way. Otherwise, you are just reacting to situations. I find life easier if instead of reacting, I am proactive. It requires a little more work on my part in the short-term, but I don't get into situations I can't handle or have emotions I'm surprised by anymore. It makes the long-term more fun and more doable. Maybe it will help you too.

Wow, Harmonium, that is a very methodical approach. But it makes sense! That way you can't get caught off guard. I like it.

I did get through that first night after the meeting alright. I just worked it in my mind and decided that hey, you can't always do just the stuff that you like and want to do. Sometimes you have to do something because it is the right thing or the responsible thing to do - even if you don't necessarily like doing it. And in this case, it is necessary and responsible for me to be sober while I work on recovery from BPD.

Now, for this weekend.......yes I have been thinking A LOT about how I am going to get through my first sober weekend. I am going to dinner tonight with friends. Luckily, these gals are not big drinkers. I think at least one or two of them may have a drink with dinner though. Then tomorrow is the end of the kickball season (I play recreational adult league kickball) and we all go out after every game and since it is the end of the season, I am sure everyone will want to go out. When we go out, we usually order a bunch of appetizers and pitchers of beer for the table and then all split the bill. So, I have to come up with a plan to handle those two occasions. I am once again pulling out my Weight Watchers tools. I will envision in my head how I want things to go. I will picture myself putting that plan into action. Then when I get there, I will not act impulsively or spontaneously and get caught up in the moment. For tonight, I picture myself ordering water with dinner and if anyone asks why I am just having water (since I am usually the one to order an alcoholic drink - it may seem odd to them that I don't want red wine with my steak tonight), I will just say that I am not feeling well so I don't want to drink tonight. And that is actually true - I woke up with a sore throat.
Tomorrow, after kickball, I feel obligated to go out with the team - it's my team, I am the captain. I can use the not feeling well excuse again and order soda. I don't really care for the cheap beer we always order anyway. And I will have fun talking to everyone and move around the bar from one team to another and not just sit at the table staring at the beer...
So those are my new plans for now. Very busy at work today so don't have time to write more but I wanted to get a reply in while I could and say thanks again Harmonium!

It IS methodical, but it works. And....the more you do it, the less you have to actually think about it and spell it out. It's like learning how to drive-- I used to have to think to myself "okay, push in the clutch while pulling off the gas to shift to third when the RPM's hit 3.5" or such. Now, I just do it, I don't have to think about it. Same goes with planning and goal-setting. It becomes automatic if you do it systematically for a while.

I'm glad you are thinking about this first sober weekend and I think you have come up with some good plans. I particularly like this:

Visualization is a tool I use regularly-- it really works. Good luck to you this weekend, I'm rooting for you!

I do have one question though......why not just tell your friends you are trying to quit drinking rather than lying about being ill? Wouldn't they try to support your decision? I don't know...for me it always helps to let others know when I'm trying to quit something or begin an exercise program or such; it keeps me accountable to others not just myself and it's built-in support. Just a thought. Getting support from your friends could make this easier for you!

Oh, P.S.-- my brother-in-law plays on a kickball league too-- it is sooooo much fun!

Got drunk last night Feel really low today. Depressed, don't want to do anything. Canceled lunch plans with Mom
Going to get back on the wagon though....have to...already did some stuff I will regret. It's amazing how quickly those terrible habits come back. So sick of apologizing for stuff I do while I am drunk! It has to stop!!!!!

Try not to beat yourself up, NAM. Sorry to be blunt, but it's kind of 'expected' that if someone has a drinking problem, they can't just 'decide' to quit and never mess it up-- especially the first sober weekend. That's not an excuse.....it's just a very difficult problem to overcome. One that no one can solve in a week; there will be falls along the way. If you still choose to move on with the task of sobriety, you just have to dust yourself off and move forward.

I guess the question now becomes....What are you going to DO about it?

You can't change the past, even the very near past of last night. So....in the Right Now, what can you do to help yourself feel better? What do you want to go with your life? How do you want to get there?

I believe you when you say that you are 'sick of apologizing for stuff you do while you are drunk'-- I've been there myself (except with pills instead of alcohol, but I know what it's like). You can choose to make that a reality. It can actually be a really motivating factor in recovery or sobriety-- not wanting to feel this way again. Which is better-- the way you feel when you get drunk or the fallout? Is it really 'worth it' to you, logically? Next time you want to drink or are tempted in any way maybe you could snap a rubber band with that written on it against your wrist to remind you of how you feel Right Now?

Hang in there NAM. The whole kit and caboodle is not lost, just one night. Don't allow this one mistake to alter today or tomorrow in a negative way-- only you can make the choice to keep moving forward despite unplanned setbacks. This is just new information to add in; what's your new plan?

Thanks, Harmonium.
I haven't figured out my new plan yet. I know that the right thing to do is to dust myself off and get back on the wagon and go to the next meeting which is on Tues. But I kind of.......don't want to.....go to the meeting. I know everyone in there has probably fallen off the wagon before but I just feel embarrassed anyway.
I am kind of emotionally drained right now and very tired. Maybe tomorrow I will have a better idea of what to do. Thanks for being there again.
NAM