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 Post subject: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:35 am 
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I have so much on my mind lately that I literally cannot sleep. So hopefully getting it out in writing will help.

1. I am worried about my Mom. She was recently hospitalized and even though she is out and "feeling better" now, I fear that she will continue to neglect her health and end up right back there - or worse. She needs to quit smoking and drinking and I really hate that she has such a stressful job and commute to that job. I wish she would find another job and I even printed some job ads for her but I know her a-hole husband will talk her into staying where she is because "they need the money." I know that in the end it is her responsibility to take care of herself and her decision to make, but it kills me to see her so sick.

2. My financial situation has become dreadful. Ever since my company made us start paying for 1/2 the cost of our health insurance, right around the time that I moved out of my ex BF's apartment and into my own apartment, I have been struggling financially. There are some weeks where I do not have money for groceries so I will just eat whatever I have in my cabinets. I ate oatmeal for dinner one week. My recent medical problems have exacerbated my financial woes. Also, somehow I did not get one of my credit card bills and didn't notice that I was missing one so now I have a late fee and the credit card company calling me multiple times a day wondering if I can make a $185 payment for the missed month, the late fee and this month which is due Sept. 15. No, I can't make a $185 payment because I have $30 in my checking account right now.

3. Medical problems. I have been suffering from bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome for about 3 months. I am in so much pain that I have a hard time making my bed and getting dressed in the morning. It is also making me very cranky and depressed because I can't do routine things, the pain is constant, and I can't get back to the gym because I like to go in the morning and my hands hurt too much and going to the gym seems to aggravate my condition. I have tried wrist braces, a cortisone injection, and a taping method that is supposed to "reform" the soft tissue in my hands but really only made the pain worse. My doctor said the only thing left to do is surgery. Well my insurance copay is $500 per procedure and I would need two surgeries for a grand total of $1,000. Not to mention the $45 copay per visit to that doctor for pre-op and follow up. Oh, so I applied for workers' comp. to cover the cost of the surgeries and just found out that my claim was denied because I only have "mild" carpal tunnel syndrome. Hrmph.
I also have a tooth that has been bothering me for a while. I went to the dentist last Fri. and found out I need a root canal and a crown. I don't have dental insurance. The cost for the root canal and crown is $2,200. I can apply for a payment plan - sort of like a credit card - but I don't have any extra money in my budget to spend per month so I would not be able to make payments toward that at all. I asked if they could just pull the tooth. That would cost like $350. They said the dentist would rather not do that because it will alter my bite and I would start chewing more on the other side, where I already have had problems with a tooth on that side. Also, I don't have $350. That I could probably put on my credit card, though...it shouldn't make the monthly payment go up too much.

4. Sobriety. Ahhh yes I decided to quit drinking. I wanted to get serious about "recovery" from BPD and I knew that my drinking problem was only making things worse for me and causing more drama in my life. So I thought if I quit drinking, maybe I will stop contacting my ex and making an a** of myself in front of my friends and family and maybe I will be able to focus on making my life better. So I made the decision to quit drinking on Aug. 16 and since then I have: been drunk once, had two drinks by myself once and had two beers at a party once. Okay, maybe not so bad for 2 weeks but still not great. I am attending meetings and reading the message boards for a sobriety program and reading their materials. But I guess a part of me still wants to feel like I "fit in" and doesn't want to be "different" for saying no to alcohol. And sometimes, especially now when my life sucks so much, I just want to say F it and completely destroy myself and escape into intoxication.

5. Recovery from BPD. Well, I really did want to get serious about this. I have been reading The Four Agreements and taking notes. I started reading The Angry Heart and made flash cards with positive affirmations from that book and started the "recovery journal" recommended in that book too. I looked into DBT programs and found one that is local, but again, not covered by my insurance (and costs about $3,000). There is a program at the local hospital but the sessions are Wednesdays at 4 and I don't see myself being able to leave work an hour and a half early every week to go there. Nor do I really have the $45 copay every week for that. I was seeing my therapist sort of sporadically, but mostly once/week. I wanted to set a specific time every week to meet with him and at least see him regularly to work on recovery from BPD and my drinking problem. But when I go to my appointment tomorrow, I am afraid I will have to tell him that I can no longer afford to see him either. ($45 per visit)

6. Relationships. I don't feel very close to my "best friend" anymore and I just lost a new friendship due to my borderline behaviors. I am not dating anyone and don't plan on it. I have been thinking that maybe I am done dating for good. I am still hurt by what R did to me and I just don't have faith in myself to go into a new relationship with an open mind and heart. I really just think I am better off alone. I don't even know how to be a good friend! I either have really casual, meaningless relationships with people or I completely overwhelm and depress them with my issues. I have been told that I am too negative and I know that is true, but it's just the way I think. I just have a lot of crap in my life right now and I can't see any silver linings. I am struggling with so much and it feels like such a heavy burden to carry yet I don't have an outlet for it. When I find that outlet, I tend to abuse it - to the point where it runs away. That happened recently. So here I am again, alone with the person I hate most in the world - myself!!

And now you are all going to tell me to not come here and rant about problems and to get over the old stuff like R and my resistance to change but you know what? This stuff is overwhelming! Do I even want to change? I don't know... I get by alright how I am. I am still alive, there are people who care about me, I do stuff. So why bother quitting drinking? Why bother changing myself or working on "recovery" from BPD? And if you can come up with reasons why, tell me where to start! I tried starting with recovery but then the other issues are still there and I am still pushing people away and that drama brings up emotions in me that make me want to drink. So it is a vicious cycle. I look at all the books and materials I have at home and I feel like I am trying to do a little bit of this and a little bit of that and it is not all coming together very well. Maybe I need to take a few days off from work, completely isolate myself and really dive into the materials. At least the sobriety stuff. Maybe if I really read all the materials and start the sobriety journal I have been thinking about, at least that part of the plan will fall into place.

Also, I have been reading Sarah's thread and I hope you all are not sick of me posting about the same stuff and getting stuck on the same problems too. If you are, let's discuss...

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 12:01 pm 
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I for one am not sick of you posting about your issues, even if you do seem to be stuck on sometimes the same problems. I've been there and I do know what it is like. Most of us on here can relate to much of what you are saying. However, only you can change your circumstances. Only you can do this. We can assist and guide.......but if you never really want to do it, you won't. Plain and simple.

In reading your itemized issues that you are currently dealing with, what I'm hearing is that in many aspects of your life you feel overwhelmed and powerless to change things. Is there a way you could maybe just shift your perspective on some of these things to regain your sense of power? As in: for item #1, rather than worrying like crazy over someone else's behaviour (totally understandable, but not really productive) maybe you could say to yourself "I've done what I can to help, now the ball is in her court". Maybe review the Separation of Stuff tool? Maybe even try to think to yourself that maybe she feels powerless over your own actions of self-destruction? How does she feel about your actions? Relationships are a two-way street....maybe if you clean yourself up a bit, it will help your Mom to do the same? Maybe that's a way to shift the power back to you-- help your Mom by helping you?

This stuff IS overwhelming at times, NAM. Then you get a break in the clouds or some of it begins coming together and it can fuel you for more. Breaking it down into manageable pieces and working one thing at a time helps me. Setting attainable goals and having a plan helps me.

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Do I even want to change? I don't know... I get by alright how I am. I am still alive, there are people who care about me, I do stuff. So why bother quitting drinking? Why bother changing myself or working on "recovery" from BPD? And if you can come up with reasons why, tell me where to start!

You really "get by alright how I am"? Really? You don't seem very happy to me. Is being alive all you want right now/ is that enough for you?
These are questions you do need to ask yourself and you do need to discover your own answers to. I can't tell you a reason for you to try to recover from self-destructive behaviour, that has to come from you. I can't-- no one can-- do this for you. But, if you want to commit and give it a go, we will be here to help. Now is the time to make a choice (because everything, even indecision, is a choice)-- do you want to become productive and emotionally stable or not?

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 12:54 pm 
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How does she feel about your actions? Relationships are a two-way street....maybe if you clean yourself up a bit, it will help your Mom to do the same? Maybe that's a way to shift the power back to you-- help your Mom by helping you?

Excuse me?!?! Clean myself up? Ha. Honey my Mom is more of a mess than I could even pretend to be! Plus it is not like I walk around like some hot mess all the time. All this crap I post about on here is not worn on my sleeve for everyone to see. It is all brewing inside me while I put on the face of a normal, friendly, functional adult. I am the rock in my family, the one who had to be strong for my sisters and my Mom through all the hard times.

I don't know, H, I really am starting to doubt the feasibility of "recovery" for me. I mean, sure I can stop doing some of this self-destructive stuff. I can stop drinking, stalking people, cutting myself (pretty much have stopped that).... but these feelings I have and general thoughts and attitudes about life, aren't they always going to be a part of me?

Yeah I do get by alright. Yes I am dissatisfied with a lot of my life right now but I am not homeless or in a psych ward somewhere or anything - I am pretty well functional. I guess there are some things I would like to change about my life, but overall I am not desolate or anything.

I'm sorry. I do appreciate your reply - as always. I knew if anyone wrote back at all, it would be you. But gosh it is so hard to see any kind of hope for the future when everything just seems to be going wrong at once. I know you can relate - you just went through your own period of getting a bunch of medical issues dumped on you at once. So yeah I guess I can look at you and see that you pulled through alright and have some hope that maybe I will pull through too.

Okay, so here is the one thing that is eating at me the most right now... do you think I will ever stop pushing people away?

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 1:26 pm 
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Excuse me?!?! Clean myself up? Ha. Honey my Mom is more of a mess than I could even pretend to be! Plus it is not like I walk around like some hot mess all the time. All this crap I post about on here is not worn on my sleeve for everyone to see. It is all brewing inside me while I put on the face of a normal, friendly, functional adult. I am the rock in my family, the one who had to be strong for my sisters and my Mom through all the hard times.

I apologize if anything I said insulted you in any way, NAM. I don't know you or your home life-- just what you post here. I'm not pretending otherwise; just going off your posts. I think you can still see my point of shifting your perspective to see your problems in a different light and therefore reclaim your sense of person power over your external circumstances.

Quote:
I don't know, H, I really am starting to doubt the feasibility of "recovery" for me. I mean, sure I can stop doing some of this self-destructive stuff. I can stop drinking, stalking people, cutting myself (pretty much have stopped that).... but these feelings I have and general thoughts and attitudes about life, aren't they always going to be a part of me?

I don't know what 'recovery' will look like to you if you get there. I know for me, once I began practicing self-love and really feeling it, not just going through the motions-- my general 'feelings' and thoughts about life DID change. For the better. I look at life differently now, in many ways it is indescribable. But, I feel better about all aspects of my life. I am now not just pretending to be a fully-functional adult (which I was doing before) I AM one. I am now not just pretending to be happy (which I was doing before) I actually AM. With that, for me at least, came some 'growing' of me and in me as a person and with that came a new outlook on many aspects of life. I finally found my Authentic Self and am living in accordance with it. Again, I have no idea if your feelings and general thoughts and attitudes will change; but mine did. And I'm happy about it. Please don't misunderstand-- I AM still H, still me. But now I feel as if I'm a more developed in who I am as a person, more secure and thus more sincere-- just better. I don't know how exactly to describe it and I fear I'm failing miserably at this attempt......but life in general for me is good now, my emotions are positive, my future bright. It wasn't like that for me before recovery.

Wouldn't it be nice to actually like yourself (which you claim you do not now, I'm not assuming)? Can you imagine how that might change your over-all outlook on life in general? Wouldn't it be sort of nice to not be dissatisfied with your life?

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But gosh it is so hard to see any kind of hope for the future when everything just seems to be going wrong at once. I know you can relate - you just went through your own period of getting a bunch of medical issues dumped on you at once. So yeah I guess I can look at you and see that you pulled through alright and have some hope that maybe I will pull through too.

I hear you completely on the first part. It IS hard when all aspects of life are going wrong at once, no doubt. That's one reason why I dove into recovery in the first place--every single aspect of my world was crashing in on top of me. I don't have that happen anymore. Even with my medical problems, which are far from under control or solved, I don't feel as if my world is crumbling anymore. I have grounding, a foothold on which to stand. That's recovery to me-- not perfection or no problems whatsoever, but being able to handle whatever comes my way (even life-ending disease, oh my!) with grace and love, humility and humor-- even with hope-- and still stay grounded. Still know who I am and who I want to be. Still be me and like it. Despite any external distress, I have internal peace.......that's really a 'new' concept for me, something I've gained with recovery from BPD.

Quote:
do you think I will ever stop pushing people away?

It's up to you, NAM. How would I know what you are going or are not going to do-- it's you making this reality, it's you making these choices. I have no idea if you will continue in the same pattern, but I hope you will choose a more effective way. I hope someday you know true intimacy-- something else I've learned with recovery. I know I used to push others away and I no longer do it now. I believe that if you try to work out some of your issues and gain a better sense of stability, you will stop. But I don't know. This is the exact type of question you need to be asking yourself and answering for yourself. It doesn't just happen-- it's not like one day *poof* you will magically wake up and not do the things that you are doing now to push others away. You know it doesn't work like that. If you want that, or any aspect of your behaviour/consequences of your action to change, recovery is the way to go.

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 3:55 pm 
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NotAMonster wrote:
Plus it is not like I walk around like some hot mess all the time. All this crap I post about on here is not worn on my sleeve for everyone to see. It is all brewing inside me while I put on the face of a normal, friendly, functional adult. I am the rock in my family, the one who had to be strong for my sisters and my Mom through all the hard times.


I'm thinking, maybe part of recovery for you will be to let go of having to be a normal friendly functional adult.

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:07 am 
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NotAMonster wrote:
She needs to quit smoking and drinking and I really hate that she has such a stressful job and commute to that job. I wish she would find another job and I even printed some job ads for her but I know her a-hole husband will talk her into staying where she is because "they need the money."


Do they need the money? Maybe it's not so black and white. Maybe they are facing multiple complex problems, like you, and are doing the best they can (though coming to different conclusion than you)?

Or maybe not ... just food for thought.

And I second Harmonium's thought that it might be helpful to separate your stuff there.


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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 11:40 am 
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I'm thinking, maybe part of recovery for you will be to let go of having to be a normal friendly functional adult.

Hmmm...good food for thought there, Ellen. Kind of like accepting that I have a disorder and am not like everyone else. That is a lot like accepting that I have a drinking problem and cannot drink moderately like everyone else. Good stuff.
Quote:
Do they need the money? Maybe it's not so black and white. Maybe they are facing multiple complex problems, like you, and are doing the best they can (though coming to different conclusion than you)?

I don't care how many bills they have. They can find a way to live on less. They can find a cheaper place to live or give up one of their timeshares or something. Nothing is worth my Mom sacrificing her health for! It is just not right! I feel terrible because I feel like my sisters and I are pulling her in one direction and her stupid husband is pulling her in another. We want her to start putting herself and her health first. When she was in the hospital, every time she mentioned the commute and her job she would start to break down crying. It is killing her and I will not stand by and let that happen! Then a-hole husband shoots down any advice we try to give her to look for a job closer to home with BS like "she will only make 1/2 as much there" etc. etc. I don't care - there has to be a better way. Yeah I know that in the end she has to learn to stick up for herself and make the decision herself to look for another job or go on suffering but I just don't want to lose her so I guess I am just scared.
Yeah, sure it's "her stuff" and "her stuff with her husband" but, call me selfish, I am not ready to lose my mother. So that becomes my stuff - protecting my relationship with my mother - and she has not been the same person since she started working where she is now.

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 12:12 pm 
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NotAMonster wrote:
I feel terrible because I feel like my sisters and I are pulling her in one direction and her stupid husband is pulling her in another.


I don't blame you for being worried :( I don't see how worrying to the point where it consumes you, though, is going to help her. Or you. Is it?

You describe the situation almost as though she has no will of her own, and needs others to tell her what to do.

NotAMonster wrote:
It is killing her and I will not stand by and let that happen!


What does "not standing by and letting that happen" look like?


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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:11 pm 
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NotAMonster wrote:
Quote:
I'm thinking, maybe part of recovery for you will be to let go of having to be a normal friendly functional adult.

Hmmm...good food for thought there, Ellen. Kind of like accepting that I have a disorder and am not like everyone else. That is a lot like accepting that I have a drinking problem and cannot drink moderately like everyone else. Good stuff.


Sorta, but not exactly. I don't mean seeing yourself as always having a disorder. Not at all. More like, mentally healthy does not always mean being normal, nor friendly, or even always functional. Or maybe being functional differently than your mental image of functional. Being mentally healthy does not always mean putting on a functional front for others. And it definitely doesn't mean being normal.

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 3:20 pm 
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Yeah, that is most definitely a lot of crap on your plate. I enjoy reading your posts because I can relate to soooooo much of what you say. I've got an ill mother, I'm in over my head in some debts, my friends seems millions of miles away, I'm struggling with drinking. One difference is that I have joined a DBT group. Thankfully it's covered by my insurance. If you want to try to get some of the benefits of DBT w/o going to the groups because you cannot afford it, buy the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood & Jeffrey Brantley. I'd say over 60% of what is used in my DBT group is taken from there. I've had a 2 week break from DBT as we switch from one module to the other with the Labor Day holiday in between and I've found myself struggling to stay on course. So the weekly forceful motivation is helpful from the group. Perhaps go to Meetup.com and see if there is a BDP group nearby that meets on a regular basis. I'm still looking for one here in CO.

I do like the suggestions of others on here...knowing that YOU are the one in control of the course of your life. It IS very overwhelming when Life throws so much on your plate. Just eat one morsel at a time and know that you won't clean off your plate today, next week or even next month...but you will make a dent in the pile.

I recently started a pet-sitting business to pull in some extra income. It's working great because I can still hold down my full-time job (and appear normal), yet the unconditional love I get from these pets is better therapy than anything you'll pay for!! Just a thought.

Sandy


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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 2:11 pm 
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Hi Sandy,
Sorry it took me a couple of days to get back to you. I appreciate your reply. I am still feeling a little overwhelmed with all that is going on in my life and working on regaining control. To answer a few of your specific points:
1. I have that workbook but have not picked it up in a while. I am notorious for starting and stopping the recovery process :( I have Linehan's book, I have a workbook called Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life (or something like that), I have Ash's book (Putting the Pieces Together) and I have The Angry Heart. Some of them I have read, some I started then stopped reading. I have been in therapy for a few years and have not really "gotten anywhere" with it. Eventually, hopefully, I will settle down and really dig my heels in and fight my stubborn resistance to change.
2. I looked into DBT programs and cannot afford them and the one at the hospital which is covered by my insurance meets at an inconvenient time for me. What a great idea to try meetup.com though! I have a meetup.com account and never even thought to look there for a BPD support group.
3. Funny that you mentioned the pet-sitting business because I do that too! I can't have pets in my apartment but I house sit for people who have dogs so they don't have to put their dogs in the kennel while they are away. I have not gotten many house sitting jobs lately though. Maybe I should try to advertise myself so I can pick up some new clients.

Thanks again and hope you are well!
NAM

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 6:32 pm 
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Hi NAM,

not sure that this will apply to you, but recently I've also felt overwhelmed about almost all areas of my life in some way. I decided to ignore it and try to relax...

that didn't work. the thing that is working is for me to stop wanting someone to take care of me, and start taking care of myself. I'm always so ready to help other people at the expense of my own needs... so I tell myself that my needs are important, and start listening to what it is that I REALLY want... not what I think I SHOULD do. Also, separating what people think I should do, from what I really want was important too. I had a habit of changing my behaviour, worried about what people might think of me.

My mother went into hospital two years ago. The fact that I cared at all really shocked me. I had a major depressive episode, got my dx, a therapist, and it's taken two years to really get rolling with recovery - but that has been from some serious hard work.

Having a parent unwell is really stressful, so not knowing the situation, I'm not sure what to say. It just took me a lot of therapy and time to deal with that.

Another thing that helped.... I wondered how everything in my life could possibly be so crap? It kind of made me realised, that when I'm stressed about almost everything, there is usually an underlying thing that is triggering me to be stressed and have stressed out responses to areas of my life. If you can figure out what is provoking your anxiety, and focus on dealing with that, other things start to fall into place a bit (for me anyway). Could it be that your mum is stressing you out? Or do you think it's something else?

Hope you feel better soon,

Owl

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 Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed... again
PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 8:50 am 
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Thanks to all who've offered assistance and support to NAM. Unfortunately, NAM has decided to leave BPDR and this thread. At her request, we're going to close this thread now so that ya'll don't continue to invest in her recovery when she won't be around to reap the benefits of your expertise, compassion and support.

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