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 Post subject: Love
PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 3:56 pm 
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On Friday I called my T to tell her something unrelated to our work together (I know it was okay to call about it) but I also repeated my feelings about how major my accomplishment was in the session the week before. (She didn't answer so I left the message on her machine) I even said that I thought we should go out and celebrate, then added "I'm kidding" of course. I sounded really hyper but I couldn't help it. I didn't ask her to call me back, so she didn't.

After I left the message, I was so embarrassed! It took me awhile to calm down. Then, later, I thought about "love" and what came to mind is that you can get hurt when you love someone. They can leave you or die. I started to cry.

I really have problems with love, so I think some of my feelings for my T may be transference, even about love. It's a combination. I just feel so weird now. I did talk about love in therapy, and about my mother. I never told my mother that I loved her when she was sick and dying. I feel bad about that. A couple of my Ts had me write letters to her, and then write back as I thought she'd respond. That was helpful.

But, now I don't know what to do. I don't see my T for 4 months. I feel good that I am not obsessing about her, and that I have real feelings of love for her, even if they are tinged with transference. But I am SO scared!! On the phone, I didn't realize it, and I just said "it feels safe to love you." It does feel safe, but it also feels scary. So I don't know. I know my T won't reject me. but she could die.

I'm not a baby. I know that you love people and then they can leave you voluntarily, or through death. But it hurts so much to think about it right now. What is going on with me?


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 Post subject: Re: Love
PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 11:21 am 
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Oh gee, this is all such hard stuff you are dealing with - but at least you are being brave and looking at it , being real about where you are at.

Today in my journal I was pondering the same thing re love- with the added exploration of us hurting the ones we love most- for me anyway. Sure enough, it is a risk, and will ineveitably cause pain- but isn't it the nature of life and being human to be able to love, and be able to feel loss? I for one would not want to trade the safety of non love and the comfort that not having to experience loss would bring for the amazing power of love to provide comfort and joy. Life would be so hollow without love. But, I do think that part of recovery is learning to make more appropriate choices around who to love, and how to love. For me, it is about my own safety as well as the safety of those that I love. I do not want to hurt anyone else anymore through the insanity that can come over me when I Need the other person to love me in a certain way- an unrealistic way that denies them their humanity.

I broke up with my SO for this reason- that I did not want to hurt her anymore- and I did not want to be in the position where I freak out, and then become someone else, and end up hurting my son. So, now, without my SO in the picture, I am learning how to be stable with my son, to be a source of safe love for him. And, I am working on all the stuff in me that needs work before I jump into the world of relationship love again. Friend love can hurt me, and I can get through that without harming anyone, so it is a good place for me to explore my triggers and such- like staying in the shallow end of the pool until I really know how to swim.

Thanks, and good luck,

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As Gloria Gaynor sez "I will survive" and no longer choose a name like sadgirl66, I am becoming happyhealinggirl66.


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 Post subject: Re: Love
PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 5:35 am 
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Wondering I think it's such a positive thing to have realised the transference stuff with your T and your Mum/love etc.

At a wild crazy guess, considering you've discussed love, your Mother dying without telling her you loved her, loving your T and how it would feel if she died, well, yes I'd say more transference. Unresolved Mum stuff.

It sounds to me like you have some more unresolved issues regarding your Mum. Indeed, considering the magnitude of your T attachment in the past, I would guess that there is quite a lot of work for you to do in this area.

Although I'm not sure how - I guess your exploration of your feelings for your Mum may lead to something.

What do you think?

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 Post subject: Re: Love
PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 5:06 pm 
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Thanks for replying, Sadgirl. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this, and I still don't have much time. But you're right. It is much better to love than not. There's that famous quote" "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Who said that, anyway?

Sarah: Thank you. It's not unresolved, I don't think. I'm just sad that we weren't more demonstrative in my family. The love was there, but it was just not expressed, and I'm sorry. Yeah, I guess it's transference. I'm growing a lot since I quit regular sessions. Seeing my T outside of therapy is actually helping me. Weird!! I was always told I missed something as an infant. So whatever it was, I will never know. My Mom loved me very much--but was too anxious. I was very shy. Dad was reserved. Maybe it is to do with my shyness and our family dynamics. I'm just learning now that love can be expressed more openly and I like, love that!!


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 Post subject: Re: Love
PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:05 pm 
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hey Wondering; exactly on that quote- and I don't know who said that either.

Isn't life so interesting that it comes in so many flavors, and so often we seem to be born into the "wrong" families-or just into a family that isn't capable of giving us what we need.

For all the people that wish their families were more demostrative, there are probably just as many out there wishing that their families were more reserved! But how wonderful that you are able to see that your Mom really did love you- even if the way she expressed it was not the way you have come to realize you would have preffered-with more affection. And what a gift to be able to see that now, as an adult, you have the power to create the life that you want for yourself. It reminds me of my favorite part of the movie "Postcards From the Edge", where Gene Hackman's character is telling Meryll Streeps character that regardless of all the crap that she went through with her mother, at some point she has to decide that her life is Hers to live, For herself- and she doesn't have to be pulled down by the past. He said it better- but it has always struck me as an important message- that we have that power.

Good luck on your journey.

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As Gloria Gaynor sez "I will survive" and no longer choose a name like sadgirl66, I am becoming happyhealinggirl66.


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