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 Post subject: Everyone but me
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:09 am 
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I seem to want to help everyone but me. I post to online forums and give others advice and often it is stuff that I know I should be doing too, but I don't. I know that I am not happy. I knew that I was in an unhealthy relationship. I knew that I should not be in a relationship at all right now anyway. I know what I could do to change those things. I can tell others how to help themselves. But I don't really take any action to improve my own life.

I feel like I am on a sinking ship and keep giving away all the life vests to the other passengers. It is almost as if I feel like my life is not worth saving.

How can I get to the point where I value myself enough to be my own lifesaver? Will I ever get there?


(PS - if my posts are sounding too "woe is me" then feel free to tell me that and I will stop)

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 Post subject: Re: Everyone but me
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:44 am 
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You can talk all you like about choosing not to help yourself.
I'm glad to hear that you see it for what it is.

In the end, the only way to make it happen is to do it. There is no magic trick. It's a choice that you eventually have to make. If you DO know the answers, then it's up to you to apply them. No-one else can do it for you and no-one else can make you do it.

You don't have to like it. You are not required to enjoy the way it feels.
You just do it.

Do it one decision at a time. You don't have to make all the "good" decisions about your life right now. Just decide for the next thing that comes up. Like - what are you going to have for dinner? Cookies or "real food"? Start SOMEWHERE.

I used to have a lot of questions (and complaints) about the whole idea of "Do the next right thing". How am I supposed to know what the "next right thing" is? Then a friend pointed out to me that I have a LOT of experience with the next WRONG thing. As long as I DIDN'T do that, I was probably doing OK.

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 Post subject: Re: Everyone but me
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 10:42 am 
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I actually found great self-benefits in assisting others (or this place wouldn't be here!)

I found that my own problems and issues had me lost in a forest of trees that had me all turned around and freaked out. When confronted with someone else's problems, I was in the helicopter above their forest and I could totally see the big picture, guide them out of the dense & confusing woods.

Yeah, it could seem like you're giving bits of yourself away but that seems kind of pessimistic to me. The more you practice seeing the big picture and the more frequently you say the positive words of encouragement, the more ingrained they become to you yourself. You may not yet be able to apply those sage words of wisdom to your own problems or forest but if you set aside some time to look at the situations and issues on which you've given advice recently, see if you can find ways to relate those insights to your own life issues. The more parallels you're able to draw, the closer you get to addressing the root causes of your own issues and problems.

Look at the pieces of advice you give to others. You already have the wisdom inside yourself. It's there. It's not something you're incabale of learning or holding onto. You just have a mental block in allowing yourself the gift of providing your own self with those bits of wisdom. When you look at the wisdom and advice and bits you share with others, I'm sure you'll realize that you have ALL the tools you need to get yourself straightened out and squared away. It's just a matter of taking some non-emotional time to sift through those nuggets of wisdom and applying them to your own stuff.

It'll be a while still before you're able to invoke that insight and knowledge in the midst of a maelstrom in your daily life but now, while things are calm, take the time to look at past issues when you've flipped out. If you were reading a post online from someone else, what would you advise that person to do, see, try? What would your "wise mind" or Genuine Self or whatever stance you use for your journey say to the upset NAM in the midst of the melt-down/blow-up?

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 Post subject: Re: Everyone but me
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:20 am 
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Ash wrote:
I actually found great self-benefits in assisting others (or this place wouldn't be here!)
Yeah, it makes me feel good about myself, too.

Quote:
When confronted with someone else's problems, I was in the helicopter above their forest and I could totally see the big picture, guide them out of the dense & confusing woods. ... If you were reading a post online from someone else, what would you advise that person to do, see, try? What would your "wise mind" or Genuine Self or whatever stance you use for your journey say to the upset NAM in the midst of the melt-down/blow-up?
Hmmm yeah maybe I should try this. Kind of like the idea of soothing the inner child - try seeing the dysfunctional NAM as a whole separate person and have the rational NAM give her advice... that might work.

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The more you practice seeing the big picture and the more frequently you say the positive words of encouragement, the more ingrained they become to you yourself.
That is really what I have been hoping for. I am also posting to a sobriety website and a while ago I posted there about feeling like I don't belong there because I kept falling off the wagon. And someone there responded to me that: "The longer you stay away from recovering people the more likely you are to continue to drink." So I have stayed there and I hope that the positive stuff I am learning from them will sink in and eventually I will give up drinking completely. I do think it is helping - I definitely don't drink nearly as much as I used to and I find that I do not use alcohol to cope at all anymore. I am slowly replacing a bad habit with healthier ones.

Quote:
Look at the pieces of advice you give to others. You already have the wisdom inside yourself. It's there. It's not something you're incapable of learning or holding onto. You just have a mental block in allowing yourself the gift of providing your own self with those bits of wisdom. ... It'll be a while still before you're able to invoke that insight and knowledge in the midst of a maelstrom in your daily life...
SO TRUE re: the mental block... but I kind of feel like... after 2+ years of posting here, shouldn't I be past that block yet? :(

I do take great comfort in this post, Ash. Thank you for writing it. You have given me hope... maybe I just need to be more patient with myself. Maybe I need to focus on the steps I have taken instead of the goals I have not yet reached.

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 Post subject: Re: Everyone but me
PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 9:56 am 
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NotAMonster wrote:
Maybe I need to focus on the steps I have taken instead of the goals I have not yet reached.


I believe it is important for us to recognize the small wins in our life. If we retain those wins, our foundation begins to build and we're able to recognize when we do big things too. Sometimes we just don't take enough time for ourselves.


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 Post subject: Re: Everyone but me
PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:17 am 
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I don’t think I’m qualified to give anyone guidance, I’m still having issues getting an understanding of what I need to get through each day. But I can say with clarity that you have helped me see things clearer and I’ve felt your compassion which has really helped during this difficult time.
Thank you so much. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Everyone but me
PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:40 pm 
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Quote:
But I can say with clarity that you have helped me see things clearer and I’ve felt your compassion which has really helped during this difficult time.

Glad to hear that, Anchorage. Hang in there - it will get better... I was where you are not too long ago and never ever thought I would get over my ex, and then just when I was feeling "over" him the son of a bitch came back! Hahaha. But it is much easier this time to let him go. Just know that there is hope!
Hugs, NAM

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 Post subject: Re: Everyone but me
PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 5:39 pm 
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I'm the same way, I take care of other people a lot. I also understand how a bad relationship can go. Sometimes when I am sad and feeling like I don't get enough care, I do little things for myself. I have an at home spa day, I cook myself something really awesome, buy myself something small but fun and indulgent, write out some nice things about myself in my journal, etc. I try and remind myself that if I treat myself like someone valuable, I will feel valuable. They are just little things, but they often bring me comfort.

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