Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Wed Nov 14, 2018 7:58 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Frustration
PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:57 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 679
Location: Australia
A bloke I'm a little interested in (getting to know) asked my b.mother, J, for my phone number. She told me he'd asked and she could see I was excited. The thing is, I know J well. She can be extremely vague, and for some strange reason this vagueness often emerges when doing favours for others. When i said he'd not called, I realised she may have screwed up in some way. She said she texted it to him and she's vaguer with technology than any other realm. I said "Did you get his number right? Did you get mine right? did the message actually send?". She said she'd check, but of course she didn't.

So I wound up contacting this bloke through Facebook anyway, bc I hadn't heard from him and I realised J probably screwed up and this bloke was not in possession of my number at all. When i contacted him he said "I asked J for your number but she never sent it".

Ok, here's the thing. I feel a bit annoyed with J. I'm annoyed bc she's a very selfish person who unsurprisingly makes mistakes which seem to let me down, and I never get apologies from her. In fact, whenever I've spoken her about something she's done that has annoyed me, she steps into defensive mode and next thing I'm in trouble bc she claims to feel "attacked" and all that pathetic manipulative shit that people with unresolved issues tend to subject others to.

In the end I did a good thing. Knew she couldn't be relied upon so took the control out of her hands. But I feel angry with her. This was something for me. God you'd really think your mother would want to see you in a happy relationship and with kids before menopause. But she competes with me...a whole other can of worms there.

I'd like to speak to her about it, but when I spoke to her yesterday and said I'd been in contact with this guy, I mentioned that he never received the message she'd sent, to which she just said "yeah". No reaction. I don't want her to feel guilty, just to see it from my POV and like any normal human being say "Oh shit! Did I mess up the message? I'm sorry!" I tell you, that sentence which can come from my lips so easily one would think was like regurgitating a car for the effort they make to withhold it. Ergghhh!

It's not the end of the world - but when I told my T he laughed and said "There she goes again - I remember she really tried to get between you and Mark when you started seeing him" which is true. How weird - my own mother!

I know she has issues, lots more than me and sans therapy and acknowledgment, they're all thriving along very well. But what pisses me off is that judging from her complete lack of acknowledgment of her stuff up, she will only respond aggressively and defensively if I tell her I was disappointed that she'd been so careless with the text message when I'd asked her to check she'd done it correctly. I'm always hearing her complain about her vagueness and I often say "Be careful - be aware that you can be vague and apply extra care, cover your bases and do what you have to not to forget". Although she's had a million tests for aldsimers (cant be bothered looking up how to spell that) she always cries victim, it's her MO, and says "but I'm afraid there's something wrong with me". I usually say "J I've inherited the same quality, it's just genes, but i make sure to compensate by setting reminder alarms on my phone, double checking phone numbers and email addresses" etc.

But I know J, she will feel guilty and when she feels guilty there is NO WAY she'll offer an apology. Like so many people in this world, she thinks that the way she feels is because that person wants her to feel that way. She can be so incredibly aggressive that i know it's pointless me saying anything bc it will take weeks of her bullshit before she backs off with the conclusion that I'm sorry for the wrath of abuse I subjected her to.

So I'll let it go, out of respect for myself. But I feel that familiar feeling and frustration that i have felt most of my life, about not being allowed or able to express myself; not be entitled to normal feelings, not being entitled to a position of equality and worth. J didn't raise me so it's actually by adopted mother who repressed me, not J. But the feeling is there and it makes me want to scream!!

What can I do with this feeling? The channel that my T and the like would no doubt suggest is to speak to her about it, but J's MO is such that she ensures you won't bc of the barrage of aggression you'll receive if you do. I must admit it's a price I'm not prepared to pay. But I can tell that if I don't address these feelings that they'll eat me up and bring out my borderline characteristics of self-doubt and anger. Not stuff I want to mess with.

Thinking back i think my original mistake was to think I could rely on her to help me with this guy; to rely on her for something that only benefits me. I didn't like it at the time and hoped I could eliminate her from the process quickly. So is it my expectations of some kind of maternal nurturing that have let me down?

Do you know, all this wouldn't matter so much if I wasn't single and 36 in a city that there are programs on TV and radio about having a "man drought" in my age group. Yeah, I'm pretty desperate, and it surprises me sometimes how the people who supposedly love you will do nothing to help. Especially your own fucking mother.

Just because someone earned the title "mother" doesn't mean they'll be one.

_________________
~ Sarah


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 3:09 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 679
Location: Australia
Ja! I just saw the pattern upon reading over my post above. It's relying on someone who's shown they cannot be relied upon. My brother used to do this all the time!!! He'd let me down, severely, and I'd back right off, telling myself I cannot trust him. Then he'd be really nice, lull me into a false sense of security, and I'd rely on him, then he'd do it all again. The only way it stopped was by me finally pulling the plug and not seeing him for 2 years.

It was foolish of me to think that J would actually apply care with something that's important to me. What my T said about my ex, Mark, makes me see where I went wrong. I should know better.

_________________
~ Sarah


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:09 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
Location: Denver
It might be time to ACCEPT that J is like your brother and take their words with a grain of salt.

Great job on recognizing the pattern though. And more power to you for taking matters into your own hands and contacting someone you were interested in. Maybe next time you won't need the impetus of someone like J's hemming & hawing to go after something you might like to pursue.

_________________
Like BPD Recovery on Facebook.
Follow BPD_Recovery on Twitter.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:32 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 679
Location: Australia
..or even better: there won't be a next time (wishful thinking).

Yes, i know it, I know she can't be trusted, but haven't obviously completely accepted this aspect of her.

_________________
~ Sarah


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 7:03 am 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 633
Location: The biggest small town I've ever seen
Good catch there.
I run into problems when I expect anyone to be someone they aren't.
I like to think that I'm not expecting anything unreasonable. But I always need to remember who I'm dealing with. Some people just are not capable of what I I think they "should" be. If I expect more, then I set myself up for frustration, anger and disappointment.

I have a friend who has a pretty bad sense of time. When he says "I'll be over in an hour", you'd better give him two. Make that two and a half hours. I used to get really pissy that he kept me waiting. Eventually, I figured out that he lives on "Bernie time" and nothing is going to change it. I mean, this is a man who has to get up three hours early for work just to get there on time (living a 20 minute drive from his job). HE knows how he is. Why do I keep expecting something different? Now when Bernie plan on going anywhere, I usually build in the extra time. If it's a really tight time frame, I go with someone else. I quit expecting him to be on time.

AM I expecting too much to think that people will show up close to the time we initially agreed upon? I wouldn't think so, but with Bernie, it IS expecting too much. I can continue to expect the "impossible" and getting angry at my friend, or I can accept who he is and work around that.

I can hear from your post that you really wanted J to show enough consideration for you that she could make one damned phone call. I don't think you had unrealistic expectations...but apparently, those expectations are too high for her. I'm sorry that she's not capable of being the person you hope she could be. But I'm glad that you were able to see that she just ISN'T.

Acceptance doesn't mean I have to LIKE the situation. It just means I have to be honest with myself about what the situation really IS.

_________________
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
Image
Chester | Join the Catster community


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:11 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 679
Location: Australia
Your post makes sense Minx, in that J has shown herself to be unreliable in this capacity so tis going to lead to me having problems if I expect otherwise.

But let's just have a tiny look at exactly what this "capacity" is that she is rendered incapable of. She has the capacity to carry out a normal meeting arrangement almost every weekend. Now we're meant to be having lunch today, but with this bloke there who I'm interested in, and despite my phonecall and reminder text message this arrangement is falling apart bc she isn't communicating with me. So really, the capacity that she lacks is specifically to be capable of carrying out tasks which may benefit my romantic future.

Repeat after me Sarah:
My mother lacks the specific ability to carry out tasks which may benefit my romantic future.

...or even better:

My mother lacks the specific ability to carry out tasks which may benefit me.

Oh, right, my mother.

Uhuh....

And how is this meant to be emotionally healthy for me?

I suppose that these incidents just make me question what it is I get out of my relationship with J. All of those things that compel me to see her so regularly are totally undermined when the clouds part and her "limitations" (described above) are exposed.

There was a time when this crap would've triggered abandonment stuff for me, but I'm on top of that. There was a time when I would feel the stability of my foundations shake upon realising that someone in my inner circle can't be trusted. I have more confidence and contentment in myself these days. But it's just disappointing.

_________________
~ Sarah


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 5:42 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:00 pm
Posts: 991
It's not about you.

You wrote before:

Sarah wrote:
I'd like to speak to her about it, but when I spoke to her yesterday and said I'd been in contact with this guy, I mentioned that he never received the message she'd sent, to which she just said "yeah". No reaction. I don't want her to feel guilty, just to see it from my POV and like any normal human being say "Oh shit! Did I mess up the message? I'm sorry!" I tell you, that sentence which can come from my lips so easily one would think was like regurgitating a car for the effort they make to withhold it. Ergghhh!


She may be one of those people that aren't good at seeing things from the other person's point of view. Some people are like that. It's not personal to any particular person. It's anyone.

Being able to do tasks for oneself does not mean being able to do tasks that benefit someone else.

_________________
Ellen K.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 11:14 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:39 am
Posts: 134
Location: UK
Minx wrote:
I run into problems when I expect anyone to be someone they aren't.
I like to think that I'm not expecting anything unreasonable. But I always need to remember who I'm dealing with. Some people just are not capable of what I I think they "should" be. If I expect more, then I set myself up for frustration, anger and disappointment.

Thank you Minx! That makes so much sense to me and is really helpful with a situation I'm currently dealing with - I hadn't seen it quite that way before. :thumbsup

Lirael

_________________
AKA Echoeslikehorses | Sirius Project: Self-Help for Self-Harm

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 11:15 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:39 am
Posts: 134
Location: UK
Sarah, maybe "capable" isn't quite the right word in this situation. Maybe "willing" would be better, or even just "My mother isn't going to carry out tasks which benefit me" (without speculating on the reasons why). And ouch, it really hurts to admit that someone isn't willing or going to help you. ((((Sarah)))) But accepting it, when you're ready, can save you a lot of pain and hurt and anger in the long run.

:comfort

Lirael

_________________
AKA Echoeslikehorses | Sirius Project: Self-Help for Self-Harm

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2009 8:28 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 13, 2009 6:58 am
Posts: 25
Sarah, my mother does the same sort of things and i find it helps to consider that maybe she has issues with her own confidence, or maybe fears that if she helps you find love that you would then not have time to spend with her... and thus she wouldn't be "sabotaging" things (if she is even doing it intentionally) because she wants to ruin things for you, but maybe doing it to help herself in some way and doesn't even consider what bad effect it could have on you. sortof in the same way that we dont always think what effect our twisted thinking could have on others?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:15 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 679
Location: Australia
Acceptance is the message in the first reply and is consistently the same in every other. Accept her limitations, accept she has issues, accept accept.....

Accept that she projects onto me.
Accept that she will never acknowledge, accept or understnd why the things she does that hurt me, hurt me.
Accept that I'm best to keep any romatic interests as far away from her as possible in case she attempts to sabotage my chances
Accept that i do things for her with little thanks and no reciprcal action, ever.


So we're looking at a relationship which, unless I play by strict rules, is hurtful to me. Accept it you all say.

Accepted. She has limitations. But about 3 posts ago I htink I was looking at another question, a question which comes after the acceptance bit:

Is it healthy, is it good for my sense of self belief and respect, to associate with someone who essentially I've accepted does little, if anything which has concern for my best interests? What kind of a message am I sending to myself if I continue to associate myself with this person? Aren't I telling myself that I deserve no better from my relationships? That I deserve the lack of consideration, the overlooking of my feelings.

If this person did not go by the title "mother" then I imagine the best advice would be to stay well away from someone who chooses to repeatedly overlook my feelings. Yes? That it's my Mother makes the message of poor self worth even louder.

_________________
~ Sarah


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2009 8:28 pm 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:00 pm
Posts: 991
No, if that person didn't go from by the title "mother" I wouldn't tell you, don't associate with her because you deserve better.

There's really no reason, as a general thing, to avoid people who don't take your needs into consideration, who don't act caring towards you. Doing that would make one a hermit, since you'd pretty much have to avoid most people.

Yes, you deserve to have people in your life who treat you better than what she does. But, no, you don't merit having everyone you interact with treat you better than that. None of us do. There will be people in your life who really don't have any investment in being considerate of your needs. That's life. That's something we all have to live with.

It really has to do with the particular relationship. Yes, there will be people in your life who have no concern for your best interest. And usually you don't think much about it because it's not something you expect out of the relationship.

On the other hand, I think one shouldn't have a significant other who has little to no concern for one's interest. Same for a best friend.

So, the question isn't whether it's good to associate (wide open word) with someone (also wide open) who has little concern for your best interests. The question is, is it good for you to associate with this person, your birth mom, who has little concern for your best interests. And perhaps the answer is no. However, that's something you have to answer for yourself.

_________________
Ellen K.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 11:29 am 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:56 am
Posts: 1465
Quote:
Repeat after me Sarah:
My mother lacks the specific ability to carry out tasks which may benefit my romantic future.

...or even better:

My mother lacks the specific ability to carry out tasks which may benefit me.

Is it really that she lacks the ability to carry out tasks which may benefit your romantic future, or the all-encompassing inability to carry out any task which would benefit you at all? Seems like a giant difference to me.

Quote:
Accept that she projects onto me.
Accept that she will never acknowledge, accept or understnd why the things she does that hurt me, hurt me.
Accept that I'm best to keep any romatic interests as far away from her as possible in case she attempts to sabotage my chances
Accept that i do things for her with little thanks and no reciprcal action, ever.

Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it.
Acceptance is just that she is the way she is and you cannot, no matter how hard you try, change her. But, you can change you and how you relate to who she actually is.
I would think acceptance would also mean adjusting your expectations from her-- just because she gave birth to you does not mean she earns the title of "mother". The ideal of "mother" that many of us have in our heads just isn't accurate-- she's proven in her case that she is not acting in a 'maternal' way (whatever that is; to me it's like the word 'normal'-- different for everyone). So stop expecting her to act in a certain way (other than how she's proven herself to be) and therefore getting let down when she doesn't measure up. She is who she is-- take her for that alone, not who you would like her to be, or who you think she "should" be. That's acceptance in my book.... and I don't mean to be harsh but it just doesn't seem that you are at that acceptance point yet (which is totally okay, I just think it needs to be acknowledged). I think you are (maybe justifyably) dissapointed in her behaviour and lack of skills to act in an emotionally mature way. You want an apology from her--she cannot give you that right now, so I don't see how it helps you to expect it. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't want it and work with her to get to that point in your relationship with her. Just, it isn't there now.
Quote:
Is it healthy, is it good for my sense of self belief and respect, to associate with someone who essentially I've accepted does little, if anything which has concern for my best interests? What kind of a message am I sending to myself if I continue to associate myself with this person? Aren't I telling myself that I deserve no better from my relationships? That I deserve the lack of consideration, the overlooking of my feelings.

No, I don't think it is healthy for you to intimately associate with someone, anyone, who proves time and time again that they do not have any concern for your best interest. But has she really done that or is it just with romantic relationships? Is there a way for you to still associate with her, just not on an intimate (close, mom-type) basis?
If you continue to associate with this person (whom does you harm) without placing good, solid boundaries into place then yes, I agree you are sending a message to yourself that you are not "worth" having a good relationship. But.....relationships, especially with family are more complicated than the black-or-white thinking of "if x isn't good for me, I cut x out completely from my life". Where's the grey? How can you relate to her without placing your own self-worth on the line? She doesn't make you who you are or what you are 'worth'-- YOU do. Set your boundaries, accept the person for who they are and nothing more (no unrealistic expectations), and maybe even try to see things from her point of view. It sounds, from her defensiveness and reactions/actions, that maybe she isn't as advaced as you are with her own mental health. Haven't you been in somewhat of that place too?

I really wish you well with all this, Sarah. Family relationships are confusing and frustrating at times and I hear you there. Please try to give yourself (and maybe her) some slack in all this-- coping is not something that comes naturally to many of us!

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 12:10 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 633
Location: The biggest small town I've ever seen
Quote:
Is it healthy, is it good for my sense of self belief and respect, to associate with someone who essentially I've accepted does little, if anything which has concern for my best interests? What kind of a message am I sending to myself if I continue to associate myself with this person? Aren't I telling myself that I deserve no better from my relationships? That I deserve the lack of consideration, the overlooking of my feelings...That it's my Mother makes the message of poor self worth even louder.

Doesn't sound healthy to me.
So why do you keep doing it?

Why do you insist that this woman needs to have qualities that she just doesn't appear to have?
You seem to have a lot of weight attached to this word "mother".
This is your birth mother, correct? NOT the woman who actually raised you. Do I have that right?
All your birth mother did was reproduce. There's no "mothering" involved in that. Just breeding. You grew up with someone who COULD look after your needs because this woman COULDN'T.
How has she "earned" any title at all?

I don't think that she's responsible for your poor self-image. She isn't doing a damned thing. You are the one projecting this "Idea of Mother" onto her and judging Yourself to be "less than" when she doesn't deliver your expectations.

_________________
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
Image
Chester | Join the Catster community


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Frustration
PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 2:49 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 679
Location: Australia
Thanks for your replies. I've tried to reply to them a few times but I've still been mulling it over. You all raise some good questions.

EllenKMR wrote:
There's really no reason, as a general thing, to avoid people who don't take your needs into consideration, who don't act caring towards you. Doing that would make one a hermit, since you'd pretty much have to avoid most people.

Yes, you deserve to have people in your life who treat you better than what she does. But, no, you don't merit having everyone you interact with treat you better than that. None of us do. There will be people in your life who really don't have any investment in being considerate of your needs. That's life. That's something we all have to live with.


Interesting perspective. Yes there will be people in my life who really don't have any investment in being considerate of my needs. Acquaintances, perhaps colleagues. It's interesting how once you've developed a relationship with someone, inherent in trust are higher standards than you'd have for others. So a friend could do something that would cause me to end the friendship, but someone not close, not invested in my best interests, could do it and I wouldn't wipe them.

When I'm close to someone there's trust. If they know about my life there's trust. If I know about theirs there's trust. That means I'll give them a wide birth - more benefit of the doubt, bc of trust. But because they understand the significance of events in my life, the general structure of my life I do expect certain considerations of that which I wouldn't of someone who doesn't know those things about me. As soon as someone knows something about me, they're entrusted with that knowledge, entrusted to be careful with it. We've all seen how destructive it can be when someone is careless or malicious with the inside knowledge they possess of another. So I do expect a friend to think about me, like in a group social type situation, in terms of the significance of people's presence or conversation around us to me and vica versa. But because I trust them if this fails I trust it's not through malice or even necessarily lack of thought.

But all this confuses me a bit. Exactly what expectations are realistic. But looking at this last paragraph I think expectations of someone to be trustworthy when they've not earned that status are unrealistaic and destined ot disappoint. When the disappointment takes the form of hurt then it really lacks personal responsibility not to see how avoidable for me that hurt always was. Maybe I'm looking for some kind of universal formula I can apply so as to avoid the ultimate responsibility of making decisions based on my own opinion. I've not always done so well with that in the past. Emotions get in the way.

Quote:
The question is, is it good for you to associate with this person, your birth mom, who has little concern for your best interests. And perhaps the answer is no. However, that's something you have to answer for yourself.


I think that my previous statement reflects an uncertainty to make refined or delicate assessments of complex and layered relationships like this with J. I'm looking for simplistic answers, formulaic solutions, black and white assessments, and that doesn't really satisfy the complex conditions. My fear is of boundaries really, because with J I can clearly see that if I was capable of enforcing solid boundaries I wouldn't be in this situation where I feel vulnerable to her. Essentially she has made me feel vulnerable by exposing me where I'd trusted her. I should have been more careful with my boundaries. I know what they are, it seems I know so much about the bloody things except really how to implement them into my own life. They're such subtle creatures and I feel like this big oaf clumsily handling them. Like trying to paint flowers on a thimble with a roller. I'm afraid of them, of asserting myself, and leaving myself vulnerable to the result of my boundaries. I do fear abandonment. The abandonment I manage to avoid is really superfluous in comparison to that which my poor boundaries actually facilitate. I think I actually lack faith in boundaries. They promise healthier relationships and self-love, but I'm skeptical, deep down. It's that desperation, like an addiction that prevents me from having the faith to be patient and see things unravel over time. Short-sightedness.

Minx wrote:
Why do you insist that this woman needs to have qualities that she just doesn't appear to have?
You seem to have a lot of weight attached to this word "mother".
This is your birth mother, correct? NOT the woman who actually raised you. Do I have that right?
All your birth mother did was reproduce. There's no "mothering" involved in that. Just breeding. You grew up with someone who COULD look after your needs because this woman COULDN'T.
How has she "earned" any title at all?


I think some of this is answered above.
It's a bit confusing this title "mother". I distinguish it and always have from the word "Mum" which has all of the weight and history of someone who raised me. I cannot deny that due to my Mum's poor parenting ability (she looked after my needs for food, clothing, education and shelter but neglected most others) I was looking for a better Mum when i found J. Fortunately her husband somehow managed to fill that role for me instead and I was content, while J kept insisting to me that I was in denial that she was my mother. I preferred the term "biological mother" or "birth mother". Maybe it got in my head. But when her H died she began leaning on me a lot more, and the expectations escalated, and in N's absence they were met less and less. So over the 17 years I've known her, she is more to me than just someone who saw me through the gestation period. Before N died, together they were a pillar of support for me.

Quote:
I don't think that she's responsible for your poor self-image. She isn't doing a damned thing. You are the one projecting this "Idea of Mother" onto her and judging Yourself to be "less than" when she doesn't deliver your expectations.


I also don't think that these relationships can ever be so simplistic a "just" my bio-mother. I can't explain this innate connection one has, whether it be simply psychological or actually biological too. Meeting both of m b.parents has had an enormous impact upon me. I did not enter either of those meetings with a view that these people were not my "parents" in some way. I can't explain it - perhaps it's an evolutionary hangover, bc adoption in the wild ain't so common and mainly only happens to orphans. If you have parents, you have expectations. I was bitterly disappointed upon meeting my father and this was no easy hurdle to get over.

So I think this stuff with J is really quite complex and layered. While she did not "parent" me my first experience of her was her rejecting me as a parent, an act only a parent can perform, and I cannot deny that left it's mark on me and my view of her, subconsciously and otherwise. Remember that the relationship began before I was born.

So I think I no more project maternal responsibility onto J than I do my Mum, both of whom hold maternal responsibility IMO. I could no more not see her as a mother than could have not seen me as a daughter. You see, in my mind she wasn't so much a mother to me until we met. The act of meeting has shown me that she wants a role in my life. I've never thought of that role as strictly maternal, but it most certainly has overtones of such that (and perhaps this is where I'm wrong) I don't believe I can remove. She chose to come into my life to attempt to play a part in what she could not perform when she was younger. I actually think there is something very beautiful, natural, healthy and potentially heeling in this process. Healthy if it's executed well and, well, neither J or I were all that good at executing relationships well. She fucked up her parenting role with my half-brother, and I wasn't exactly familiar with healthy family relationships, so no wonder we're here.

What I HAVE learned through Mum and Dad is that although people take on the responsibility of parent they may not fulfill it very well = limitations. J is another example of that. As an adult I have relatively few expectations of my parents, as parents, and yet they still somehow differ from my expectations of J. Deep down I feel Mum and Dad, despite their flaws, are more my family than J. But I desire a sense of belonging that was still omitted from my adoptive family upbringing. In fact i desire a belonging I've never really had at all. Yes, this is my stuff and reflects upon my unreasonable expectations of J. It extends beyond J to the rest of my b.family. Not expectations, but the desire to belong. I don't belong in my b.family like they all do, and I don't belong with my adoptive family either. Too much damage to feel a complete sense of kindredness there. The belonging part is strong. When J "abandoned" me with this guy I'm into, well, there goes the kindredness and belonging.

This is a long post and I haven't responded to Harmonium's comments about acceptance. Above is a whole heap of my stuff. There is a whole heap of it - hey it took 36 years to build this heap! I'm workin through it. Not there yet though.

_________________
~ Sarah


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group