For the past couple of months, I've been feeling like I can't cope, like no matter how hard I try, I can't keep my head above water. Like this -->
![:helpme](./images/smilies/helpme.gif)
My eating's messed up, my trich is bad again, I'm having panic attacks and taking it out on my partner. I feel happy, even excited most of the time - I love being my own boss and working from home - but when something goes wrong, no matter how small, I get this tidal wave of negative emotions and I can't handle them. Classic borderline stuff, really.
![:/](./images/smilies/confused.gif)
I knew when I left my steady income (from a job I hated) for self-employment that I would have to let go of the idea of being perfectly in control of everything, and let what happens happens, with the faith that whatever life throws at me, I will handle it as best as I can. I guess I lost sight of that. I've been neglecting my self-care and failing to reach out for support because I wanted to invest all my time in making sure I can make ends meet. I need to keep reminding myself that's missing the point! Of course I want the books to balance, but I left my job because it was making me depressed, and I know from past experience the business
can't succeed if I let myself spiral back into full-blown BPD and depression. I need to take care of myself first and foremost!
So, I'm trying to get myself back into that self-care mindset. I'm posting here. I'm emailing my T regularly (she says I can email as often as I want, which is totally new to me! I've never had between-sessions contact with a T before). I'm trying to treat myself
as if I'm happy and healthy. I took today off work, though I need to get back to it tomorrow.
I've been really triggered lately by a problem with my optician. I had a contact lens split, and rang them (I'm entitled to a free replacement), only to be told they have no record of me!
![:o](./images/smilies/surprised.gif)
The man I spoke to wasn't at all helpful, but eventually said he'd look into it and ring me back, which never happened. This isn't the first problem I've had with them, so I want to switch to another optician. At first I thought I didn't have the energy to fight the situation, and I'd just cut my losses and make an appt elsewhere (which would mean paying for a sight test I should get free, and going without contact lenses for a couple of weeks). But I continued to feel really upset and angry about it, overwhelmingly so. And I decided today maybe the only way past this
was to stand up for myself - to prove that I
can cope with what life throws at me.
I went into the branch with some proof that I am a customer there. It was easy - the woman I spoke to found my record straight away, and didn't know what had happened before. I have my replacement lens and my free sight test booked for tomorrow, and then I can cancel my plan and go elsewhere.
I did have to take a PRN anxiety med, because I didn't want to start crying in the branch. And I treated myself to a chai latte and chocolate brownie afterwards. I seem to be spending a lot of time (and money) in cafés at the moment - it's a really effective coping mechanism for me, but does have an effect on my wallet and my waistline!
Anyway... I'm quite proud of myself and feeling a lot better for it.
![:)](./images/smilies/smile.gif)
Lirael