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 Post subject: Anybody else struggle at this time of year?
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 4:10 pm 
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Over here we have a summer Christmas, which means we get both holidays at once. I have 3 weeks off - I'm exhausted and run down. I desperately need a holiday. The weather is mostly stunning which always makes me want to get out of the house, day and night.

BUT

What is it with this loneliness thing at Christmas? Every year I get this. Combination of my sense of not belonging, my loneliness is a state of mind condition, but also of the sheer reality that I'm on my own so much. Everyone is soooo busy this time of year - parties, dinners, drinks, God knows what everyone's so busy doing, but that they are renders me with a clearer calendar than in the middle of Winter! This happens every year and I can't help but wonder how if everyone's so busy, I have not been asked along to things. It's a very lonely time for me. I'm so desperate for holidays but feel so down that i will be spending them mostly alone. I'd love to skip the country but I'm also broke.

Oh, I just hate this time of year. It just makes me feel so unimportant, left out, excluded and lonely. All of which renders christmas a period of depression, which makes me dread it every single year.

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 Post subject: Re: Anybody else struggle at this time of year?
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 5:48 pm 
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Hi Sarah,

I do understand. I don't have a relationship with my family because......well, I can't. I have been apart from them for over 15 years. Recently (just over 2 years ago) I moved to a small northern town where I didn't know anybody, except for the partner I moved here with (we broke up shortly after the move and only I remain here). I have made friends but they have their own lives and families etc. I do socialize, as well as enjoy me-time (I work and go to school and sometimes feel overstimulated at the end of my days so I am on the solitary side). Normally, because I am so accustomed to it, I am fine with just being able to rely on me. However, when it's close to Christmas, I panic a bit (especially when I'm single). Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I worry that being alone at Christmas is an indicator that I am a bad or unlovable person. I don't tell anybody because sometimes I feel like loneliness is a shameful and awkward thing to talk about. I do have a friend's house that I am going to, but nowhere I belong. I am also having trouble because I just ended another relationship with someone I really really loved, in part because of the circumstances and in part because I went all kinds of BPD like I haven't in years. That was just a couple months ago, and it adds a bit of extra sting to the loneliness.

So, in feeling alone, you are not alone.

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 Post subject: Re: Anybody else struggle at this time of year?
PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 6:28 pm 
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Quote:
Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I worry that being alone at Christmas is an indicator that I am a bad or unlovable person. I don't tell anybody because sometimes I feel like loneliness is a shameful and awkward thing to talk about. I do have a friend's house that I am going to, but nowhere I belong.


That pretty much sums it up. I know I can easily fall prey to being a 'victim' as well, and fear talking about my loneliness at Christmas will inevitably put pressure or guilt onto those I can spend time with.

I do see my family, but I find that my yearning for love and belonging is only enhanced by the reality of being with them. I know I should appreciate what I do have bc Christmas would be much worse if they weren't there at all.

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 Post subject: Re: Anybody else struggle at this time of year?
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 5:21 pm 
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I know, right? I am lucky because I honestly have some of the most amazing friends a girl could hope for. If I didn't have them, I don't know what I would do. I'm going to work on focusing on enjoying where I am and who I am with.

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