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 Post subject: All alone now
PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:06 pm 
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Well, here I am again in a very familiar spot. I never really shared with you all my attachment issues with women but I suppose that has been exposed in a very public way now here on the board. So yeah I have managed to overwhelm yet another "victim" of my "issue" and I have now lost someone I really liked and wanted a friendship with. I also had another ... encounter ... with the ex. We were kind of seeing each other again for a couple of weeks. I knew it didn't feel right but I wanted to wait until after his birthday (Dec. 30) to tell him that I didn't see us having any relationship other than a casual sexual relationship. So I kept seeing him, trying to keep my emotions out of the equation, focusing on just keeping things "light." But of course that is difficult, if not impossible, and my feelings for him did start to come back and I did try to just look past the problems we had before and keep an open mind. It didn't work. I was constantly obsessing over his past infidelity and wondering if he was sleeping with someone else on nights that I did not see him. Then I planned a trip to go see my sister in Pennsylvania for the long New Year's weekend (leaving Fri. morning, coming back in time to go to my second job Sun. night) and I didn't want to tell him I was going away because I was afraid he would be upset about not being able to see me for the whole weekend. Well, as has always happened in the past, this all came to a head and I blew up. New Year's Eve. Drunk, of course. Asked him to walk me to my car after the party and told him I was going away and I was nervous about it because I was convinced that he would sleep with someone else while I was gone. Told him I could never trust him, that I didn't believe anything he told me, and also mentioned my feelings for the kid (wanting him to die, hoping his mother would get into a fatal accident with him in the car, envisioning myself taking his head and slamming it against a window). R retaliated by accusing me of flirting with his friends at the party. I told him that was BS - that he was the only man I ever loved. Drove home crying. Sent him a text when I got home that said "I'm not interested in your friends you fucking asshole... you are the only man I have ever loved and you betrayed my trust and cannot earn it back." The next morning he showed up at my house unannounced and slept with me. Then I went away and thought about him all weekend and cried as I was driving home. I texted him that I was thinking about him all weekend and I tried to call him when I got home from my second job but he didn't answer. I tried to reach out to the lost friend as well and got no response there either. I really cannot tolerate loneliness. I feel so much anger with myself that I literally want to scratch both of my arms as hard as I can. That is the mental image I keep having - running my fingernails up and down the underside of each arm - because I am so angry and frustrated with myself. I feel like there is no hope for me. It's true that I have not "done the work" or "tried the tools" and that I keep distracting myself with these crises.... but I guess it's because in the end, I just don't feel worthy of "recovery" and I just don't believe that I deserve a better life.


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 Post subject: Re: All alone now
PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 8:15 pm 
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You do deserve a better life Chai, you can have a better life. You are also not alone.

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 Post subject: Re: All alone now
PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 4:30 am 
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I am so sorry all this has happened to you. You must be feeling so overwhelmed right now, and probably very low, and I wish I could take that pain away from you. But you're a strong, resilient person, remember that, and never ever tell yourself that you don't 'deserve' to be well, coz that is just BS. Of course you do. You deserve it just as much as anybody else. So don't give up on that goal. Bad things happen; the important thing is that you keep your eyes firmly fixed on the horizon, and don't let yourself get dragged into that negative cycle of thinking. Because it's negativity that will drag you down faster than any other unfortunate event in your life.

So, for the time being, focus on the little pleasures of life; things that make you happy and remind you why you are fighting 'the good fight' against your BPD. Treat yourself to a manicure or a haircut or whatever it is that makes you happy and feel good about yourself. And when you start feeling angry at yourself like that, distract yourself by calling a friend or listening to some music that can make your heart soar. That always helps me -- never fails in fact.

I really hope you feel better soon Chai. And don't beat yourself up about any of this. You're a good person. We all make mistakes; we just have to accept them, learn from them, and move on. You can do it. Let me know how you're feeling and take care ok?


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 Post subject: Re: All alone now
PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:43 am 
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Thanks, guys. I just hate that I keep making the same damn mistakes over and over again. And I feel so lonely and have such a hard time with being so alone, yet I keep driving people away. I think my ex is really done with me this time. He is not responding to my calls or text messages. I only have one really good friend around here and I don't feel like seeing her right now. I just want to punish myself for a while. I feel like such a monster.


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 Post subject: Re: All alone now
PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 7:09 am 
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You are not a monster and you don't deserve any punishment - including one given by yourself. You really should reach out to that friend of yours; trust that person with your worries, or just phone up and see if you can casually hang out and spend some quality time together. When you are feeling so bad it's not good to be alone; it can do more harm than good, especially when you are feeling so negative about yourself.

Please visit your friend; have fun; let go of your worries for a while.


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 Post subject: Re: All alone now
PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:31 am 
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Chai wrote:
I think my ex is really done with me this time. He is not responding to my calls or text messages.


Wouldn't it be better if it didn't matter? Wouldn't it be better if you could hold your own boundaries and not get involved with him again? What keeps you from doing that? What can you do to help yourself make better choices in the future?

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 Post subject: Re: All alone now
PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:17 am 
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If I can be completely bluntly honest, Ellen - the sex is what keeps me going back. It's freaking incredible with him.


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 Post subject: Re: All alone now
PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 12:18 pm 
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I didn't ask those questions for my own benefit.

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