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 Post subject: Frustrated
PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 1:56 am 
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This is probably a very common problem among the rest of you too, but I just feel so incredibly frustrated at the moment with having BPD.

It just feels like this disorder rules my life; it affects so much, from my thought patterns, to relationships, to life in general. It's like a little tyrant sitting inside my skull ruling me and preventing me from being a 'regular' person, whatever that might be.

How do the rest of you cope with this frustration? Most of the time it's okay, I know, or at least manageable, but there most be moments when it just overwhelms you and makes you feel like screaming and beating up your pillow. That's how I feel right now. Sometimes it just all seems rather hopeless, because I know that even if I eventually manage this thing it will still always be there. It will still find a way to screw something up in my life, or ruin a relationship, the way it has numerous times before.

I hate BPD. At this moment I really, really do :(

Sorry for this little vent, guys...I just needed to let a little of the pressure off, cos my head or my heart were about to explode.


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 Post subject: Re: Frustrated
PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 7:13 am 
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There are still 2 schools of thought on whether BPD can be cured. I start by what does cured mean? To me, it means I no longer exhibit the systems to a degree that they are detrimental to my life. I'm not there yet, but I'm tons better than I was and I know of many people I met through this board that are my definition of cured. BUt even if you don't agree with my definition of cured, there is still hope.

I try to think of it like a learning disorder. You may always have dyslexia, but there are tools you can learn to make it something you can work around. (I am not an expert on Learning Disorders so if I'm wrong, someone please correct me.) Some people may be Aural learners and have to have things read to them, but they can work it out so they can still learn. Our tool box here and on the main site contain many of those kind of tools that can make it so we can work around our built in tendencies. Some tools work for me, others may work for Ash, but there are ways to get better.

Most people belive that there isn't a pill specifically for BPD. All I know is that I needed an anti-depressant before I was well enough to use the tools. And one time though the 5 Steps isn't going to make things magically better.
It takes time and true hard work.

I try not to see my diagnosis as a label I have to live down to. It's not something I can hide behind and blame mistakes on. My diagnosis was a tool. A tool that brought me here, that gave me a place for my T to know where to start working with me .

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 Post subject: Re: Frustrated
PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:31 am 
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I'm with Kari in that I believe myself to be recovered when I no longer exhibit the symptoms of BPD to a degree which is detrimental to my life. I've made it there so I know it can be done. I'm not trying to imply that I think I'm 'perfect' now (far from it!)-- but to me, BPD is just 'normal' ways of coping amplified to the point where they are maladaptive (along with an unstable sense of self probably). My coping methods are no longer detrimental to me and I now know who I truly am. I'm certain that anyone with a BPD diagnosis can get there too-- with really hard work and a dedication/will towards recovery. There is always hope!

You have the right to live a happy, health life. Just like anyone else, 'normal' or not. Carpe Diem.

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It just feels like this disorder rules my life; it affects so much, from my thought patterns, to relationships, to life in general. It's like a little tyrant sitting inside my skull ruling me and preventing me from being a 'regular' person, whatever that might be.

How do the rest of you cope with this frustration?

I deal with that kind of frustration by shifting my perspective on it. Instead of seeing my BPD as something that 'rules' me, I have learned to see it as something that I can control. This gives me a sense of empowerment and allows me out of the victim cycle. There is a really great graphic that shows the victim cycle-- I'll find it and post a link for you. It really, really made a difference in the way I see things.

Just because something has happened a certain way in the past does not mean that you are doomed to repeat the mistake/cycle. You CAN break that cycle-- it's a choice that you have to make (or not) to consciously choose another way. It's really difficult sometimes but with enough practice it becomes the 'natural' inclination (at least that's what happened with me). Using the tools here really helps me break that cycle, as well as seeing a T for a long time (I no longer do). I am also a big fan of mindfulness and meditation as well as yoga and exercise (gotta get that energy out healthily or it will come out negatively!). I did not use meds to help with my BPD, but I know many who do and swear by them. Part of recovery is going to be figuring out who you are as an individual and what works--or doesn't work-- for YOU. Finding that Authentic Self, as it's called.

We all need to vent now and then.....but maybe when you are done letting out that frustration, you can turn it around and use it as fuel to help you towards recovery? I wish you all the best.

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Frustrated
PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:44 am 
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Ok, here is the link to the Personal Accountability Model, the victim-cycle thing I was referring to in my earlier post. I hope you find it as helpful as I have!

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Frustrated
PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:48 am 
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[quote="kari2171"I start by what does cured mean? To me, it means I no longer exhibit the systems to a degree that they are detrimental to my life.[/quote]

I like that description of what it means to be cured. And, I think it's the most sensible way to define cured for something that is defined by it's symptoms.

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 Post subject: Re: Frustrated
PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:57 am 
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Thank you so much you guys, for your responses and comments :) and thank you too for the useful link, I really appreciate it.

I like how you describe your methods of coping; and I will try to use them too, and not to let myself slip into such a negative mind-frame again where I let myself believe that the BPD is in control instead of me.

It's just tough at times I guess...And having clinical depression compounds it because it makes it so easy to slip into lethargy and defeatist ways of thinking.

My biggest struggle at the moment is definitely to find my Authentic Self as you call it. Having been depressed and borderline since I was 13 I've allowed those disorders to become my identity and I have no idea who I am as a person aside from those illnesses. I really have no clue what kind of human being I am, what character I definitely have...
It's a strange sensation. Right now I am only just beginning to learn all about myself, my likes, my dislikes, my 'regular' traits; but it's still tough to separate the Authentic parts of me from the added-on disorder parts and sometimes I get confused between them. It's a daily struggle - but you all have given me hope that I, too, can get to that place where I am firmly in control and cured - or as cured as anyone can be with this kind of disorder.

So thank you very, very much :) I am very grateful.


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