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 Post subject: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 11:30 am 
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when i have to say "no" to my daughter (13 dx w/bpd,mdd,odd) her response is almost always "why do you hate me?"

i don't understand. i'm trying to understand. i try to say "no" in as gentle a way as possible. i reasure her that i love her but i can't say yes to your request (either it is because it's an unreasonable request, unsafe, not age appropriate, or because it would violate a previous consequence that she is still going thru for other behaviors).

maybe if i can understand how "no" equals i hate her in her own mind i can come up with a communication technique that would be helpful to both of us. my only thoughts are that perhaps in her mind: if my parents loved me they would give me or let me do what i want.

your thoughts please

lbjnltx


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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 4:11 pm 
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Hmm...this is a tough one; on both sides; for her and of course for you. The important thing to remember is she is a teenager, and so there will be hormonal swings & temper tantrums...they're pretty run-of-the-mill. Teens do tend to react exaggeratedly whenever they don't get what they want, and they will say "I hate you" or "why do you hate me" and slam the door. I know cos I have done it plenty of times when I was younger. But they don't actually mean what they say...in most cases they do NOT hate you or believe that you hate them. It's just a way to manipulate you & make you feel bad so you give in. People with BPD can be very emotionally manipulative; almost without realizing it sometimes. Or maybe that's just me :S I hope not.

Anyway...I am not a mom so I can't give great advice on this but maybe try and soften your 'No's' by turning them into a "maybe, if". Or offer a reward system, so she gets what she wants so long as she does something for you in return i.e. cleans her room, stops sulking. Also, if you DO have a big argument, wait a while then knock gently on her door and give her a big hug and tell her you love her. Because everyone responds to that, even when you're a 20 BPD like myself. A hug and words of love can fix a lot of arguments.

Hope this helps, even if it's just a tiny bit...


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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 10:16 pm 
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Everything is black and white in the BPD world (at least it was for me). Saying 'no' to me DID mean that they didn't love me, because by my logic, if they loved me they would want for me whatever would make me happy. I didn't see that grey, that in-between area where things just ARE or are not necessarily good or bad. It's one of the 10 forms of twisted thinking that I was stuck in for so long. Underneath the list of 'twisties' are some really good strategies for untwisting those detrimental thought processes. I really like the idea of judging things as not 100% good or 100% bad but evaluating to what extent good or bad. As in, someone cutting me off in traffic might be 40% bad so I don't need to let it ruin my day. It helped me see the grey, but honestly I still struggle with it because gosh, wouldn't life be easier if it were cut and dry! Does that make sense to you?

Also, I agree that maybe some of that is just that she's 13 and most 13 year-old have a similar attitude, at least at times. I don't know much about ODD, but I would also think that would be coming into play.

With BPD often comes a lack of sense of self. I didn't know who I was. If someone disagreed with me, then I in turn would think that I was 'evil' or bad in some way. She may be reacting out of that-- we don't really know because we're talking to YOU not HER. On BPDR we really try to focus on what WE feel or what WE are doing about a difficult situation, mainly because we try to discourage any kind of 'fortune telling' or 'mind reading' and really talking about why she is doing whatever is always just going to be speculation on our part because we don't know her; we have you here, not her. So.......

You state that you try to understand and that you are as gentle as possible and reassure her that you do indeed love her. But.....maybe it's the delivery of the 'no' that is at least contributing to the issue at hand? I know for me with BPD I would see things through my own 'filters' as we call them (see 10 forms of twisted thinking and how to untwist), so it's entirely possible in my mind that there would be no way for you to say 'no' without the negative reaction you are getting. But.....being consistent and explaining to her why and what leads you to the 'no' decision might help? Maybe not being so gentle and setting firm boundaries? I'd like to know what you think.

I would also like to hear from you/ discuss with you more about how all of this makes YOU feel or react. I think that plays a big part in her reactions/behavior. Even if you believe you are 'hiding' any hurt feelings from her (or not).....well, it takes two to tango doesn't it? And all we have here is you, so maybe we can help you help her by talking about you?

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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 11:45 pm 
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yes, please! help her by helping me. as far as getting her to come here i'm not sure. i have been trying to find a dbt skills group for teens online but can't find one. i guess they don't exist. if you have knowledge of any resources of that type i would really appreciate it.

consequences....i let them come. if they don't involve me that's even better. i try to remind her when she has a choice to make that when she makes that choice she is also choosing the consequences that will follow...like it or not. i do not protect her from consequences. i do however try to encourage wise mindfulness before the choice is made. mostly it doesn't work with her.

boundaries.......yes i have very strong ones. they are mostly related to serious behaviors like self harm, suicidal thoughts/actions, threats against me.

validation......i listen actively and reflect back to her what she told me as i understand it. i also attempt to identify in her words what she is feeling and ask for confirmation. then i ask how i can help her or what she needs. this doesn't usually end well as she becomes angrier. i also need help understanding why when i acknowledge her healthy thinking or problem solving she gets upset with me. she says it makes her sad when i praise her. huh?

i have read the ten forms of twisted thinking. i even made a copy of it this past summer and gave it to our therapist. one day a month or so later he pulled it out and had her give a t or f answer as each applied to her. they didn't get finished and i haven't seen the list again. perhaps we should revisit that soon.

with the odd our therapist has advised me to keep replies/explanations to a minimum. get in get out. i also learned this in James Lehman's Total Transformation program. that was the last effort we made to reach our daughter before switching to our current therapist and getting the bpd dx.
my d's pdoc. is concerned that the dx of bpd and odd is a very difficult case to treat. as i understand it bpd has a very high comorbidity rate which only complicates the complicated!

how do i feel......ok mostly. i have accepted that my one and only child, the light in my heart is mentally ill. it makes me so sad. i have a broken heart. i gave up trying to figure out why and have put all my energy into learning and practicing anything that might help her or myself. i have reached a level of spirituality that i didn't think was possible this side of heaven. i can go there anytime i need to....now if i could just figure out a way to STAY there!

i have just finished reading (now i will study) Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life by Rosenberg......anyone read it? it is rooted in the basics of dbt. observe, identify feelings,identify needs, requests. today i ordered a dbt skills book for parents of children with bpd. hope i get it soon.

as i said once before, i try to remain positive. i try to run everything i am about to say through a filter of love, not a filter of bpd. if what i am about to say doesn't sound loving or caring or supportive and validating...i try not to say it. i do understand that my d is a teen. i try not to blame everything on her bpd....though it's pretty obvious when the odd is so in my face.

we tried using a reward system of positive reinforcement for awhile. it really didn't work very well. she doesn't want to stick with any agreements or honor her promises for more than a day or two. so what has worked best is teaching her the art of negotiation. she is very very good at it if she doesn't get too emotional or hung up on any one detail. we can usually come to an agreement and we are all satisfied.

i will try to offer more hugs to her. i usually ask for them from her as i don't want to force physical contact on her (or be rejected anymore than i already am). your comment about fortune telling and mind reading really hits home with me and brings me back full circle to the title of this post. as i told her last night in our t session when she said "why do you hate me?" for the 3rd or 4th time in a 10 min. span ..."i am really tired of hearing you tell me how i feel and what i think. if you want to know how i feel or what i think i am able to tell you . please stop trying to be a mind reader".

i don't try to so much hide my feelings as much as i try to temper my reactions until i have run them thru my filter. i have to give careful thought to whether or not i should say anything...what to say....when to say it....how will she take it?.....who will this help and how...it is all very exhausting sometimes. worse than the exhaustion is the possibility that she will start to get worse as she gets older and has more freedoms and opportunities....ie...drugs/alcohol, cars, much older boys......boys are already a problem but i won't go into that now......there is so much i want to understand. what purpose in her life do some of these unhealthy behaviors serve? i've even asked her that and she doesn't seem to have an answer. if we knew perhaps we could meet that need in another way that is not harmful or dangerous.

i just go on and on and on....sorry. thanks for your concern and your reply angelicdevil. i will try to keep that she is a teen first and a teen with bpd second in my mind when i try to figure situations out. maybe that will help me to let go of some of the anxiety....knowing some kids are just that way even without bpd. somehow that helps!

and thank you harmonium. i look forward to learning a lot from you. how is your relationship with your mom if i may ask that? i look forward to reading all the links that you have posted for me.........eternally grateful...

lbjnltx


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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 9:24 am 
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I don't have much time this morning, lbjnltx, but I'd like to quickly respond to some of your post. I will come back on-line later this evening (or if we get the ice that's expected here!).
Quote:
i have been trying to find a dbt skills group for teens online but can't find one. i guess they don't exist. if you have knowledge of any resources of that type i would really appreciate it.

Well, I don't know of a specifically-teen-geared dbt group, on-line or otherwise, but I do know there is one on yahoo that many like and gain a lot from. I think you will find one here: Yahoo groups. I'm also thinking that maybe you don't need an on-line group.....I have personally read Marsha Linehan's books and gone through her workbooks on my own, but I don't know if that would help you or your daughter. You can find them here. In any case, it might be just as good for YOU to go through these types of books and references, even to go so far as to work through the workbooks (maybe with your D, if she's willing). I think anyone can learn a lot about communication and interpersonal relationships, not to mention insight into the world of someone affected by BPD. There is also a book out there called "The Angry Heart", though I forget the author's name. I really got a lot from it.
Quote:
how is your relationship with your mom if i may ask that?

First, you are more than welcome to ask me anything and I will do my best to respond. As for my relationship with my mother......I had a good one while I knew her. She died when I was 12 after suffering an agonizing illness for most of my life. Really, as a child she couldn't be a "mom" to me in the sense that she couldn't take care of my needs-- honestly, it was kind of the other way around (she couldn't walk or brush her own teeth or bathe herself or anything; I did those things for her when I was with her). But she WAS a fantastic Mom in her own right-- her body may have failed her but her mind never did. She taught me a lot. I think loosing her at that age, though it was expected, really instigated many of my mental health problems. Certainly it instigated my own MDD. It took me 20 years to 'get over' her death and I still miss her and wish she were here. But....I had a very loving father and grandparents who tried their best. My grandparents are also gone now, but I still have my Dad who tries as best he can. I love him and I'm very grateful for my life even with it's problems. I also now have a mother-in-law (I've been married almost 3 years) who is slowly becoming like a 'second' mother to me, as well as a step-mother who is decidedly NOT (she and I have never been close).

I must get to work now, but I'll talk more with you this evening. I'm also hoping some of the others on the board here-- especially the parents-- will chip in for you too. I hope you have a good day!

H

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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 10:16 am 
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dear harmonium,

thanks for using some of your precious time this am to respond to my post. it is very much appreciated.

i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious mom. i can't say that i understand totally because i still have mine around. big hugs to you! for your loss and i celebrate your positive outlook and acceptance of the situations past and present.

from what i understand the group part for teens is very important for support and recovery for bpdteens going through dbt. i have ordered a book on dbt skills for parents of bpd kids. hope i get it soon. our t is a very compassionate and caring man. he does not have training in dbt and because of our geographic location we don't have many options for therapy alternatives. so......being a person of action as i am i took it upon myself to solve this problem. i found where our t could get training online through the behavioraltech. website. i paid for the course for him to take. i ordered and bought the books (plus a few more to help tailor the therapy for a teen) and had them delivered to his office. what more can i do at this point besides educate myself? well there is finding a solution to the lack of dbt skills group for teens for my daughter to participate in. i will look into the link that you provided. THANKS A MILLION.

how old were you when you read "the angry heart"?

lbjnltx

ps> we are expecting ice here this afternoon as well. maybe we are neighbors!


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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 2:53 pm 
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I'm glad someone mentioned that your teenager is definitely a teenager first and someone dealing with BPD second. Heaven knows teenagers are challenging enough on their own! Especially girls.

Have you gone through the tools we provide here? They are linked on the left side of your screen. I have found the Four Agreements and 10 forms of twisted thinking to be really helpful when dealing with my step-daughter. I learned quickly that words really did make a huge impact. I may have the best of intentions, but if she heard me incorrectly, her perception was definitely thrown off.

It is difficult for a child to understand that "no" or "i don't like that behavior" doesn't mean "you're bad" or "I don't like YOU." An individual dealing with BPD has a bit more difficulty discerning the nuance too. I found saying specifically, "no, you may not do XYZ because you're grounded and XYZ is not allowed during your restriction." I would also say something like, "the yelling you are doing right now makes me feel sad" or "would you mind speaking more softly so I can hear you better?" I found when I took out the word "you" during our discussions, she personalized it less.


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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:01 pm 
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Hi lbjnlxt,

I appreciate you commenting on my 'positive outlook'. It's a choice that I make daily to remain positive despite turmoil in my life. I find that if I can choose looking at things with a positive glint or a negative one......well, in the end it's only the positive outlook that helps me. I'm here to help me as much as I am to help others.

I was 30 when I read "The Angry Heart". I've always like philosophy-introspection-emotional-type books and I lean towards Eastern Ways, but it wasn't until I was diagnosed with MDD and BPD that I even realized I was angry. I'm what's called a 'high-functioning, in-acting' when it comes to the BPD-- much of what I've dealt with in my life was really no one's 'fault', so I didn't think I got angry about it all, just sad and self-deprecating (i.e. anger turned inward, though I didn't understand that for many years). There is a list of books on the homepage-- many of which I've read and of those, they were all helpful to me.

Ok, to your earlier post.....
Quote:
i try to remind her when she has a choice to make that when she makes that choice she is also choosing the consequences that will follow...like it or not. i do not protect her from consequences. i do however try to encourage wise mindfulness before the choice is made. mostly it doesn't work with her.

I think that's the best you could possibly do. She is responsible, not you, and insisting that she bear the consequences of her own choices I think is great. Wise mindfulness is a technique that's been invaluable to me too.....along with just living mindfully in everyday activities. I could expand on that if you need. I'm sorry to hear that it's not yet 'working' with her.....but I think you might be surprised at how much is intuited. Even if she doesn't show you that it's working, by consistently doing it (think lather, rinse, repeat)....well, I think looking back at least she will be able to say "my Mom helped me but didn't 'fix' me" (which is a good thing!). I'm reminded of the differences between empathy and sympathy-- sympathy says you find someone in a ditch and get right down in there with them to commensurate, empathy says you offer your hand so that they can pull themselves out. I choose empathy!
Quote:
boundaries.......yes i have very strong ones. they are mostly related to serious behaviors like self harm, suicidal thoughts/actions, threats against me.

I suppose I was wondering more specifically how you enforce these. To me, a boundary is "If x happens, I do y". In the adult world I don't even always tell a person about a particular boundary I have (necessarily).....but I can see how it's different with a teen. I think Nik gave you some great advice on the wording of such. I very much agree that words can be powerful. I also think that if one way isn't working, try another (and another and another, etc.) until you find the one that does (much like it sounds you are already doing) work specifically for you and your family.
Quote:
validation......i listen actively and reflect back to her what she told me as i understand it. i also attempt to identify in her words what she is feeling and ask for confirmation. then i ask how i can help her or what she needs. this doesn't usually end well as she becomes angrier. i also need help understanding why when i acknowledge her healthy thinking or problem solving she gets upset with me. she says it makes her sad when i praise her. huh?

I believe validation is an instrumental 'key' to BPD. I wasn't abused as a child, as many with BPD are, but I do feel like what I had to say/think didn't 'matter'-- though looking back now I can see clearly that it did. Part of my own filters I suppose. I think the more you can validate her and her choices, the better. Even when it means that her choices will 'hurt' her in some way (not lethal or permanent!)It sounds like you are doing what I would have suggested already though. As for your question........I can't speak for her, but I know for me (especially with MDD).....being praised made me sad too. For me, it was because it was usually about something that I believed I 'should' have been doing and therefore not praiseworthy-- guilt over what I was 'supposed' to do played a major role for me. I know now that life just isn't like that-- I didn't realize how maleable life really is. I thought in black and white. 'Shoulds' and 'have to' statements or expectations are very detrimental to me. I was living up to others expectations (or at least what I thought they were) rather than discovering within myself my own expectations and what I thought was appropriate. I think anything you can do to help her figure out what she expects of herself--and why-- will assist her self-esteem, a major part of this.
Also, I had it in my mind that if I did something good.....well, that raises the expectation/bar doesn't it? I didn't believe in myself enough to know that I could 'rise to the occasion' again. It was easier to fail and I already hated myself so that was nothing new. But....have you asked HER why it makes her sad? What was the response (if you don't mind my asking-- please only answer what you feel comfortable with!)? I just think that SHE could answer that one better for herself. It might even inspire some self-reflection (if you get past that initial gut-reaction). It's a question I would ask more than once.
Quote:
how do i feel......ok mostly. i have accepted that my one and only child, the light in my heart is mentally ill. it makes me so sad. i have a broken heart. i gave up trying to figure out why and have put all my energy into learning and practicing anything that might help her or myself. i have reached a level of spirituality that i didn't think was possible this side of heaven. i can go there anytime i need to....now if i could just figure out a way to STAY there!

I'm very glad to hear that you have reached a place of peace-- I know this must be very difficult. But, the way you worded that (forgive me if I'm nitpicking!)......your one and only child, the light in your heart (which I'm sure is true and I'm not trying to diminish that!)....well, that's quite a lot to live up to isn't it? I don't know if you have communicated that to her or not....but any way you can take the pressure off and let her know that you would be happy as long as she's happy and healthy. You also state that you have a 'broken heart' (understandably). Have you grieved, I mean really grieved for the child you imagined? I bet when you were pregnant, you didn't say to yourself "gosh, I hope this child has mental issues". What I mean is.....it's a loss for you and acknowledging that I believe is good. I know in my life, what my Dad imagined for me and how I actually turned out were so different I didn't believe he would accept me......but he told me all along he would be happy as long as I was, and it turned out-- despite my worry and fear and avoidance of the issue-- to be true. What a revelation! He had stated that so many times growing up....but I didn't believe it until it happened. I relate you your gung-ho attitude, the "what can we do to help this situation" type of thing.....but it's good to pause and breathe and grieve and keep up your own self-care (think bubble baths and manicures, oh my!) too, isn't it? I think the more you can show her through your own actions what happy, healthy living looks like the better.
I like to think of life as a flowing river-- constantly changing. For the longest time, I was fighting the current. It wasn't until I learned to 'flow' that I found peace.
Quote:
i don't try to so much hide my feelings as much as i try to temper my reactions until i have run them thru my filter. i have to give careful thought to whether or not i should say anything...what to say....when to say it....how will she take it?.....who will this help and how...it is all very exhausting sometimes. worse than the exhaustion is the possibility that she will start to get worse as she gets older and has more freedoms and opportunities....ie...drugs/alcohol, cars, much older boys......boys are already a problem but i won't go into that now......there is so much i want to understand. what purpose in her life do some of these unhealthy behaviors serve? i've even asked her that and she doesn't seem to have an answer. if we knew perhaps we could meet that need in another way that is not harmful or dangerous.

I admire you tempering your reactions. I respect that. But.....surely she 'senses' that on some level? It kinda sounds like you feel you are 'walking on eggshells' (another great book!). It MUST be exhausting! I admire the techniques you are currently using-- I think they are wise and loving. But.....if there is any way that she intuits your frustration or worry?.......well, all I can see (at least for me) that would make me feel worse. I couldn't help how I was-- at least I didn't understand that I could-- and knowing that I was hurting someone I love.....I just felt worse. It did not instigate me to try to get better-- quite the opposite! It 'made' me feel like a burden on my loved ones-- which would send me further down the rabbit hole and into avoidance. Anything you can do to share with her your real emotions and the reasons behind them I think would help her to understand where you are coming from. It would take you out of the pedistal "Mom" role and into a "human" one......I'm not a parent, so I don't know if that's really good or not, but I do know that seeing my Dad as a real, vivid, feeling, hurting person brought the two of us much closer. I understood him as a person not a figure. And if there is too much speculation on what might happen in the future......well, that's fortune-telling isn't it? Though I don't doubt your intentions are the highest......if she suspects that you believe her life will become a failure (even if it's likely during the current state of affairs).....I would snowball that guilt I mentioned earlier and feelings of low self-worth and turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy (in fact I did!). I think that maybe by living in the present moment alone and dealing with the everyday (good, bad or in-between) would be an important step. I respect the idea of tempering your reactions-- I would do the same. But at some point the tip-toeing maybe needs to begin to crush, for as I see it, it is only after reaching rock-bottom and finding no more room to go down did I find the ladder up.
As for the boys and unhealthy behaviours......if she doesn't like or respect herself for who she is, why would she try to take care of herself? If you have no self-respect, why would a person act like they did? For me those unhealthy behaviours (which including many drugs and lots of sex) served to validate/reinforce that I was a loser-- though I was doing it I didn't see that I could NOT do it. It served to numb the emotional pain. It was an escape. Is there any thing that maybe she will do with you (fun, healthy behaviours) that may help her escape all these really heavy emotions whilst still moving toward recovery?

Okay, it's really late, I've asked many questions (which you really need only answer for yourself, though I'm happy to discuss) and talked your ear off. I have a tendancy to write really long posts-- I have trouble condensing my thoughts. I will get back to this thread tomorrow--- we are expected to have much ice, so I think I'll be home (fun to think we might be neighbors!). FWIW, I think anyone with problems such as these is very lucky to have someone that loves them enough to do what all you are doing for your child. I admire that very much.

I'm going to leave it for now, but please know my heart goes out to you. And I hope you don't get too much ice!

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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 9:28 am 
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dear harmonium,

all i can write at this moment is WOW!

this is what i came here for...this is exactly what i need!

it will take me a great deal of time to absorb all that you were so very kind enough to share with me.

may heaps and heaps of blessings be on your life!

lbjnltx


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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 3:11 pm 
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Harmonium touches on a lot of things and provides some incredibly solid suggestions. What stood out most to me was
Harmonium wrote:
but it's good to pause and breathe and grieve and keep up your own self-care (think bubble baths and manicures, oh my!) too, isn't it?

When helping my step-daughter I had to continue to work everyday and attend school at night. I couldn't stop what I was doing just because she was going through things. I had to keep a balance of normalcy so that she could witness what it was like to be a real adult with responsibilities and bills to pay. I also made "dates" with her where I would let her plan out what we did together. Sometimes she'd choose for us to watch at TV program or work on a crafting project together. Once in a while she'd ask to not have the time together because she wanted to do something on her own or with friends. I allowed the flexibility because I wanted her to be flexible.

Leading by example, as Harmonium pointed out, is the greatest way to teach our children what it's like to live a happy and healthy life. I guarantee your daughter is hearing all of the words you're sharing. She's also internalizing the actions you share too. It's frustrating for a parent to feel like they're doing the same things with no results. It wasn't until I was a parent that I could truly appreciate what my parents had done for me. Their example proved I could and would survive parenthood. You'll survive it too. But Harmonium is right, slow down long enough to enjoy things.

I asked my step-daughter to describe her feelings to me as she felt them. When she was angry, I asked her to describe anger. At first she thought I was mocking her. She said if I didn't know what anger was at my age then why should she tell me. I explained that I wasn't asking her to define the word anger, but rather I wanted to understand what angry meant and felt to her. That she was and is a unique individual and each of us experiences things differently. In turn, I had to be prepared to explain my feelings to her in ways she could understand. The exercise because a real way for us to connect with one another. It aided in opening up the lines of communication.

At first asking one another for definitions seemed awkward and cumbersome, but as we continued, we asked less and less clarifying questions because we gained a base of knowledge on one another. There were times when I would ask for reclarification on subjects because I wanted to be sure we were still on the same page. For example, "going steady" for someone when I was a teenager meant you were boyfriend and girlfriend and you didn't date others. It also meant you went on 1:1 dates. When my step-daughter was growing up, "going steady" meant something much different. It's important to understand the dialogue.


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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:22 am 
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I coudn't possibly add much more than has already been drafted but some succour may be had by your sharing your experiences of your teenage daughter with other families who also have teenage children.

From my experience, being a teenager itself should qualify as a personality disorder in and of itself! If this is your only child then you have no other experience against which to compare your situation and sometimes it is very easy for us to get so embroiled in the mire of our own particular situation that we forget to take the time to step back and see things the way they truly are.

If you can't share with others, then perhaps you can take comfort from some of those who share (or have worse) difficulties than you, whose lives have been recorded on reality TV? If only for a sense that you are not alone in this.

We have programmes in the UK like 'The World's Strictest Parents' and I know that friends of mine with severely disturbed children have taken comfort from contextualizing their relationships with their children against such a backdrop.

Oh and 'Kevin & Perry' a sketch by Harry Enfield an English comic proved to be a hit among parents with teenagers, as well as teenagers themselves throughout the UK - the satire 'hit the nail on the head'.

All of this is a long winded way of saying you are not alone in your struggle, and I wish you luck in your journey.

Best wishes


Paul.


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 Post subject: Re: how does telling her "no" equal "you hate me"?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 11:27 am 
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dear paul and nik and harmonium,

thanks so much for your responses. i have reread them again and again and will take the time to process them and extract all that i can.

harmonium,

in regards to your "long posts"...within the subtle nuances of a topic lie the gems and treasures that truly make them precious!

nik,

thanks for the insights and sharing personal experiences. it means a great deal to me to know that you have traveled a similar road and that you and your step daughter have both come out of the forest into the light filled meadow of healthy living.

paul,

i began posting on an online support site for "nons" (people who are not bpd but have bpds in their lives) last february. it has been invaluable to me as a source of information and support. it has also humbled me in that there are so so many families whose situations are worse than mine. i can't predict the future, but i am ever hopeful that with early intervention and treatment our family will be spared some of the heart ache that can come with this disorder.

lbjnltx


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