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 Post subject: anniversary of my t's death - thoughts
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:14 pm 
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Anniversary of Marcia’s death – I haven’t written about that yet. It was yesterday. One idea I had was to go ski Snowmass this weekend, and I’m feeling ambivalent about that, both financially and emotionally. I want to do something. I never went to her grave. And, since I hope to be out of here by May, June, etc. this is my opportunity to do something, being so close. How do I feel – good in a way thinking about her, about what she has taught me, about how I’ve incorporated that into my life; bad in a way because I still feel sad. Bittersweet isn’t the right word – but somehow, along that line of thought, ah … now I know, grief. That’s the emotion I am still feeling. Last year, I couldn’t go near that mountain, and I hated the thought of C even around that mountain. I choose to shift my perspective. So, what’s the alternative perspective – I’ll go ski that run to HONOR her, to – in my own way- pay tribute to what she has taught me. Maybe she can hear me, maybe she can’t. I am not really sure, but maybe just the act of honoring her (and in a big way, skiing the very run she died on), is enough. It is my fondest hope that she does see it, that she knows how she affected my life in such a positive way, and that she is proud. And, I hope she knows that I miss her.

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 Post subject: Re: anniversary of my t's death - thoughts
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 12:33 pm 
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Well, I have had major car issues in the last week and a half - and basically it shot my budget to go ski Snowmass in tribute of Marcia. So, I'm working through alternative ways to honor and pay tribute to her. My optons are somewhat limited, because I can't really drive my car for the next week. However, one way of honoring her is to remember and think about what she taught me. Choose my perspective ...

Today, I choose to honor Marcia by:
Option: it sounds weird kind of, but by being nice to myself. She always told me to be nice to myself, and for the longest time I didn't understand what that meant. Getting my hair cut is a healthy way to be nice to myself. Being in the sunlight (and it is a beautful Colorada day) is a healthy way to be nice to myself.

1. So, I could ride my bike in the sunlight, even though it may be a bit cold for that
2. I could take the bus to Buttermilk to watch the X games, which I haven't seen, which are outside and free so it helps my budget and I'm in the sunlight.
3. I could take the bus to the base of Snowmass and ask if I can leave a memento or a flower for her. Maybe they would be willing to take it up and leave it at a tree on the run she died on.

Feeling ambivalence regarding the third one - it makes me sad, and is it selfish to say that i don't want to feel sad right now? I would rather concentrate on the positive things.

Other things she taught me: old world vs new world. Old world is what I came from - feeling scared all of the time, feeling angry, sad and depressed, havine an unhealthy perspective and living my life that way. New World consists of me elvolving into my potential. It consists not only of me choosing my perspective, but also of me thinking and living in a different and healthier way.

I am so thankful to her for being the first t who was truly the catalyst for my journey towards recovery.

I think I'm going to head for the sunlight - and see where it goes from there ...

Thanks for listening

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: anniversary of my t's death - thoughts
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:20 pm 
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I think using the gifts which those have bestowed upon us is one of the best ways we could ever pay homage to someone who isn't with us anymore.

I hope you have a beautiful day. :)

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The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.


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 Post subject: Re: anniversary of my t's death - thoughts
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 1:04 pm 
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Hey pip -- how did your day go? Did you get to enjoy the sunshine somewhere?

I think you honor Marcia a lot, every day, in your keeping her close to your heart, and in the positive way you treat yourself these days and deal with difficulties and frustrations in a positive way. Clearly all that she taught you during your too brief time together has been helpful to you, and will continue to be into the future. You honor her by living as well as you can, every day.

Someday you will make that run on Snowmass on a beautiful day, and you won't be thinking so much "this is where Marcia died," but "look, Marcia, I'm alive, look at me go!"

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: anniversary of my t's death - thoughts
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 5:03 pm 
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Thanks guys for the support. So, I ended up hiking a trail in Colorado yesterday, and it was my way to acknowledge her I guess. It was a beautiful, sunny Colorado day and I got out into the sunlight and got some physical exercise.

All in all it was a good day. lol

smiles,

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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