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 Post subject: working on stuff
PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 3:01 pm 
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Hi everyone. I guess this is meant to be an update of sorts...
Today I went back to the psychiatrist I used to see a couple of years ago and he gave me a prescription for Prozac. He mentioned OCD a few times - I guess that is a good description for my obsessive behaviors. I was on Prozac a couple of years ago and came off it because I wasn't sure it was really doing anything for me. But I feel it is worth another try. I mentioned to him that I was drinking while on the Prozac last time and I really believe that the alcohol played a part in making the Prozac less effective/not effective for me. Now, I have been sober for about 3 1/2 weeks so I think I will really be able to reap the benefits of the anti-depressant this time.

I am also participating in the online DBT class on Yahoo. I have been doing the homework and sometimes I struggle with applying the lessons to real life, but I guess I am doing alright because the moderator always responds that I am doing a good job. I don't really know about her though - she seems to always say "keep up the good work" and rarely give any constructive criticism. I find it hard to believe that everyone is totally understanding the lessons and doing the homework perfectly every time. I even wrote once that I was having a hard time applying the concept of Wise Mind to a particular situation in my life but she still responded that I was "doing a good job." :skritch ??
At any rate, the stuff is good to learn and I even find myself quoting from the DBT materials when I post at the WFS online forum.

I am still following the WFS (Women for Sobriety) program. This is the longest stretch of sobriety I have had since I first started doing the WFS program back in August. I was feeling very confident about my sobriety and happy about the choice I made for myself until just recently. Lately I feel a lot of anger. I need to get to the root of it because I fear that I am in danger of drinking this weekend. I took the whole weekend and Monday off from my second job so I can have a sort of "birthday weekend" (my bday is Monday) and I really want to find some nice, sober activities to enjoy. I don't know if the anger is related to not really radically accepting the fact that my drinking days are over and I won't even be "celebrating" my birthday by drinking or if it is related to completely different circumstances in my life right now. I guess I need to sit with the anger and really dig deep to figure it out. In the meantime, I will stick close to the WFS boards for support.

A few random odds and ends: I had my second carpal tunnel surgery last Friday. I had a lot of pain this time and they gave me two Vicodin in the hospital. I really don't like taking that stuff and planned on sticking with Advil (which I have since I got home). The Vicodin made me sick - probably because all they gave me to eat when I woke up from surgery was toast and soda. So I guess the discomfort with my hand is probably contributing to my overall bad mood as well.
Then there is the ex who keeps popping in and out of my life. I have a lot of conflicting emotions about him. We are obviously both clinging to something but I am not sure either of us knows what we really want from each other... :loco I guess I have a lot of thinking and journaling to do this weekend!

As for working on recovery from BPD... I read a post recently from Kari where she said she worked on one issue at a time. I like that idea - it makes complete sense and makes everything seem a lot less overwhelming. I am kind of doing that now. I have been trying to focus on impulse control - not e-mailing my therapist every thought I have, not overwhelming R with calls or text messages, and I guess not drinking when the urge strikes is also a form of impulse control. And, like I said, doing the DBT homework and trying to put into words how the lessons apply to real life. I guess the point is that all of these small things will add up to a more complete, mentally healthy self, right?

Anyway, thanks for reading. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts on dealing with anger. Thanks.

Chai


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 Post subject: Re: working on stuff
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:03 am 
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Hi Chai,

First of all, congratulations on your 3 1/2 weeks of sobriety! :thumbsup

Do you have a list of nice things you can do this weekend, or some ideas planned? I've found that to be really helpful when dealing with my own destructive behaviours. If you don't have anything good to replace the drinking, and are just focused on not drinking, you'll probably be thinking of alcohol all the time and it'll be easy to slip back into it. But if you have something else lined up that you can genuinely look forward to and enjoy, sobriety becomes much easier. What sorts of things do you enjoy doing?

Anger is a tricky one for me. I'm still very afraid of my own anger. One good thing about anger is it does give me energy... so I try to channel that energy into doing something constructive. Sorry not to have any better suggestions, I hope someone else does!

Have a wonderful birthday :D

Lirael

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 Post subject: Re: working on stuff
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:28 am 
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I agree with Lirael.

Try to find yourself something to do this weekend that you're looking forward to and will enjoy but doesn't put you in a position where you're going to feel pressure to drink. Hopefully there's something you can do nearby -- an exhibit at a museum, an interesting lecture, a concert somewhere (but not at a bar -- that would be asking for trouble), even a little road trip somewhere. I have no idea where you live and what's available nearby, but check in the local paper or online to see if there's something fun. I mention the road trip because I like to drive and see different places, and I find it oddly calming and relaxing, if the weather is good, to be out in the country somewhere, with no telephones ringing or people bugging me about stuff. I know it's the middle of winter and if you have snow and ice to deal with that might not be a good option. But hopefully there will be something you can think of, so you won't be stuck by yourself thinking you want to drink to fill the time or dull your anger or whatever.

Anger is tough. I think you really need to look for the root of it. It might be more than one thing, as it was for me for a long time -- I was angry at my parents for screwing up my childhood and my ex-husband for screwing up our marriage. It took me quite a while to get in touch with that, to work it out, and to accept my own responsibility in both circumstances without then getting angry at myself. Eventually I had to do some Radical Acceptance -- what is, is. What happened, happened. It's in the past, done and over with. I have a choice to move forward, positively, or sit mired in the anger and misery forever. I chose the first option, though it's not necessarily simple, and sometimes there are still big speedbumps in the road.

I hope the Prozac will give you some relief from your obsessive thinking and help you deal more rationally with some of the things that are bothering you. If you haven't been discussing anger with your T and you think it's the primary obstacle for you right now, then make it a priority for your sessions for a little while. And if your ex's contacts with you end up sending you on a downward spiral, then maybe you should seriously consider no contact for a while, until you have sorted out what it is you want from a relationship -- any relationship -- and whether you think he might fit in somewhere. If you are both unhealthy and acting codependently, it's probably not going to work.

I just want to commend you for getting back in touch with the psychiatrist, and for pursuing the online DBT class, even if the latter isn't ideal. I know you've been unhappy for a while now, and it's good to see you making positive steps toward reversing that. And taking Kari's advice about tackling one thing at a time is good, too -- it can feel totally overwhelming when there are multiple issues facing you. Try to prioritize and take care of the most pressing need first if you can, then work you're way down the list. Or, if the biggie is just too much right now, then set it aside, work on something less intense, build up some confidence, and then go back to it. Your T should be able to help you with sorting that out.

I hope your hand is feeling better now, and you aren't needing the Vicodin anymore. Those types of drugs are definitely hard on the stomach. If you need to take it, make sure you have something in your stomach, hopefully more substantial than just toast.

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I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: working on stuff
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 12:05 pm 
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Thank you both for your replies. Yes I do understand the importance of having a plan and non-drinking related activities planned. I was actually supposed to go to an event tonight but it is basically a cocktail party and I decided that in this weak state right now (drinking thoughts threatening), it would not be a good idea to go. So I am diving into some work for the pug rescue group I volunteer with and also a project for the WFS Conference in June. I can't wait until my hands are completely healed and I can start knitting again or maybe learn how to quilt :) Have not gotten back to the gym yet but that is first on the list once this bandage comes off!
So, this weekend I am protecting my sobriety by keeping busy with volunteer work, baking (it is freezing here and I have the urge to bake), finishing some reading that I have been working on, and I told my Mom not to buy any wine for my birthday dinner at her place tomorrow night :)
Sari - I love the road trip idea but yeah there is a bit of ice on the roads here and driving is kind of a PITA with this bandage on my hand so I try to avoid too much driving. Someone invited me to a "full moon hike" tonight which sounds fun but a little cold! Haha so I think I will go to the mall and browse around instead.
The hand is feeling well enough that I just need Advil for pain now - thank goodness!

As for the anger, yes I did tell my therapist about it. We have talked about control issues lately and I think there is a connection between my control issues and this anger I am experiencing. Someone on the WFS boards posted this great link: http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/b-anger.htm
I like what it says here:
Quote:
ANGER IS AN EMOTION THAT CENTERS ON GETTING CONTROL ... Underlying anger is caused by a perceived loss of control over factors affecting important values. The values in the above examples might be pride, getting someplace on time, someone you love, money, or being treated "fairly"--we are frustrated about not getting what we want or expect.


When I first re-committed to sobriety, I felt at peace with the decision. I had accepted that I have a "life-threatening problem" and I was taking control of that problem and taking my life back by choosing sobriety. But then when the drinking thoughts pop back up, maybe I feel angry that I "can't" drink anymore. I realize it is a choice - that I technically could drink if I wanted to - but I cannot control the reaction my body has to it and the tendency I have to over-do it... the emotional addiction I have to alcohol. So that is something that is out of my control. I also realized that I was very angry about a situation at work, which is also out of my control. So yes I did finally come to the conclusion that I need to re-visit the Radical Acceptance lesson and try to radically accept that which I cannot control. As the article says here:
Quote:
HOSTILITY MEANS NOT ACCEPTING THE UNCHANGEABLE ... As destructive as anger can be at times, it is not nearly so bad as hostility. Dr. George Kelly believed that the underlying cause of all hostility is not adequately accepting unchangeable aspects of reality. Hostility means not accepting reality. Hostility is maintaining a goal even after it is clear it can't be reached. Hostility is doing something desperate to get things "right"--despite reality. Hostility just hurts you and others. The only healthy response to a "done deed" reality is to accept it and try to understand it.


Anyway, yeah, one thing at a time, one step at a time, one day of sobriety at a time...


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 Post subject: Re: working on stuff
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:06 am 
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Wow Chai! You sound like you're doing so well! Ya know, that baking idea sounds to me like such a great idea! It's so nurturing and puts beautiful smells into your home.

Last weekend I did something really cool. I made sure my house was pretty tidy, then cleaned the loungeroom up so I was happy with how it looked. I bought some flowers, gave my plants a wash and a feed, put some really calming music on, lit a couple of candles and burned some incense oil, threw on my favourite pyjamas, and then sat down and painted. Painting may not be your thang, it could be reading or whatever, but it all felt like a celebration of me. It felt great! I just thought something like that might be a nice way to celebrate your birthday, your sobriety, and your personal beauty, on your own.

Re: the DBT moderator's positive responses, I would suggest you just take it for face value. Whether you feel you get it or not, doing it is (IMO) always the most important and educational aspect of anything. You may find, for example, that after a week of practising this wise mind stuff that yo go back over your readings or notes with a much greater understanding of what it is than the previous week.

Hang in there with the bandaged hand and the non-drinking. It was such a wise choice not to goto that cocktail party (see, perhaps you know your wise mind better than you think). Overall, I'm pretty struck by the difference in you since you last posted! Nice work chicky! :-)

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 Post subject: Re: working on stuff
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:12 am 
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Awww Sarah, thanks so much! :)) I absolutely LOVE the "celebration of me" idea!!! I think I will buy myself some flowers or a new plant... I have been eying the plants at the grocery store lately... and burn the new candles I bought yesterday and get comfy on my couch tomorrow night. Sounds perfect! :thumbsup Oh and the bandage comes off/stitches come out tomorrow so that is really the best bday gift!

Well, I made it through yesterday/last night sober and mostly sane (the mall was a freaking madhouse...now I know why I prefer online shopping!). I didn't get to bake yet so I am doing that now. Apple spice cake...mmmm....

Yeah I think you are probably right that the point is more to just keep practicing the skills and there may not be a right or wrong... way to catch me in some black/white thinking!! ;)

Thanks for your support/encouragement.

Chai


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