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 Post subject: Passive-aggressive, intimacy, self-fulfilling prophecies
PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:36 pm 
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I was reflecting on some manipulative mechanisms I have used and sometimes still find myself using in order to gain what I want. Many things, but they all boil down to ineffective communication in an attempt to fulfill my desires.

Example: Being asked to take on a project at work some long months ago that I didn't feel I would do well at, being difficult and very time-consuming. I intentionally slacked on said project, putting in zero effort in order to convey to my boss that I was incapable, thusly(I was hoping, at least) he would never trust such things in my hands again(seeing things MY way).

Why wouldn't I want to take on that project? Failure is number one. I don't mind hard work, but I mind when I fail. Instead of recognizing and confronting that fear, I told myself it was a stupid project, someone else could handle it, I was even 'better and above' that project.

Well, this didn't fly with my boss. In fact, he doubled my load, insisting I could handle it. The first thought that came to my mind was "ASS". Which threw me into a spiral of rebelliousness against an authoritative figure, twisted thinking about him purposefully giving me more than I can take so he can watch me fail, hence giving him a reason to fire me.

How did one project turn into all that! I see it now, as avoided and unconfronted fears. And not only that, but I also saw it was a common theme for me. Bottom line - I was afraid to fail(in this particular situation and in my head, threatening my job security). It all snowballed from there. If I lost my job, where would I live? What would I eat, flippin' ramen noodles for a week? What if I didn't have a place to heat up the ramen noodles, I'd have to eat crunchy blocks. What about showers?! Oh god, I'd have to go in public restrooms and give myself whore baths. What about my dogs? OH MY GOD I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY DOGS!, etc etc. Catastrophic thinking much?

So my own fears, COUPLED with my wanna-be attempt at predicting the future, lead to a giant ball of tension between my boss and I and poor work performance on my end.

I finally decided that I was just going to deal with this fear, head on. I acknowledged the root of my fear, first and foremost. Then I went to my boss with it. I had no idea what was going to happen. I told him that while I didn't truly believe I was incapable, I also didn't think I'd fair very well at it, and I was afraid of making any grave mistakes. To my surprise, he said "So what if you do?" and just stood there, looking at me. I was dumbfounded. I went onto explain if I did X thing and Y thing happened, then Z could occur and yadda yadda yadda, which all made sense to me. He nodded and acknowledged that it could happen, then asked me what we could do to render the situation if such things DID occur? Uhh.....Well, I never got there. I was too busy imagining myself on the streets with green cut-off sweats I found in the garbage and a holey tshirt with ratty ass looking teddy bear graphics, cuddling with my dogs in a doorway of an abandoned building. My boss put up his hand and said something along the lines of: "Don't be afraid to give it a shot. I know you are perfectly capable, but I also realize you're human. Let's just see what happens and we'll take it from there".

So I did. And I made a couple mistakes, too. Between the teamwork of my boss and I, we ironed them out with no issues.

I know not every situation will turn out as successful, and some of them haven't. But I see that by trying to avoid my fear of failing, I VERY WELL could have been jeopardizing my job, the VERY thing I was terrified of and trying to prevent to begin with - Slacking off, fudging up current work, and outright refusing a project - Hey, those are all solid reasons to fire someone. But try telling me that, then.

And my fear of intimacy and abandonment relates the very same way, as I imagine it also can for others. My ex(who also had BPD) once told me that he viewed fear and intimacy as this - There's a vase on the table. It's a beautiful, expensive vase. You're so conscious of it, so overly conscious everytime you pass it by. You're so afraid you may make the wrong move and break it. You contort your body carefully everytime you walk by it, paying extra attention not to disturb it. Because you're so focused on it, obsessing, thinking you'll do something to ruin it, the inevitable happens. You walk by, your hip knocks into the table and it shatters all over the floor. SHIT. You broke it. You knew you were going to break it anyway, it was just a matter of time. Self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't put the pieces together in your head that maybe, if you just let it be, it might have not shattered. It STILL may have shattered. But you would have been too busy enjoying other things, too busy thinking about what you want for dinner or what movie you'd like to see. You still knew it was there, you were still aware, but you had other things to concern yourself with.

So I like to think of relationships in terms of that vase. If I soak up my time and energy worrying if someone is going to leave me, how will I ever enjoy the current moment? Who am I to suggest what someone else is thinking and feeling? And who am I to decide when the other person has 'had it'? After my boyfriend found out about my BPD, I tried to break it off, telling him to find someone 'normal'. Someone with no baggage. Someone who didn't fight those kinds of demons. And his response was, "It isn't up to you to tell me what I want and do not want. Sorry babe, but you don't get to tell me when I've had enough". And well...He's right. I don't get to make his choices for him. I thought I was being 'noble', sparing him from my shit. Hah, uh, NO. What I was trying to do, was spare MYSELF the perceived abandonment. Trying to force the perceived 'inevitable' to spare myself the disappoint and doomy feeling of "it's gonna happen ANYWAY." My plan failed and I pouted over it before I accepted I have no control over his feelings, and I had to allow him the freedom to make choices. He didn't come to my 'rescue' and say "Baby I would never ever leave you". He also didn't say "You're right, BYE." He just simply made me aware that it wasn't for me to decide what he needs/wants.

So I'm just breathing right now. I'm learning to quiet down my impulsiveness that has creeped up. And I'm learning, still, that nothing is guaranteed. I can't do anything to secure my position in relationships or in life. I can just do me, regard other's feelings but not obsess nor live for them. This is what I believe I have come to learn and am still working on totally accepting, a really rough one for me but is bringing me much needed and deserved peace in my life.

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The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.


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 Post subject: Re: Passive-aggressive, intimacy, self-fulfilling prophecies
PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 10:09 am 
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There are some GREAT insights in there, Miyasa. I'm really impressed! It's amazing what we can find when we sit down and try to trace the thread of our twisted thinking. There are no guarantees that even straight thinking and solid performance will lead to the perfect outcome, but once we let everything operate under the direction of our fears, it most often does become a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.

I like the vase/relationship analogy, too. And your ex was right on when he pointed out to you that you don't get to make decisions or choices for him.

By the way, you have a fabulous boss! But I also want to point out that he must think pretty highly of you, in that he surely sees potential in you despite the slacking you did on this project and is willing to work with you to reach success. So congrats to both of you!

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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