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 Post subject: Changing Thinking Patterns
PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:56 pm 
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Have you ever felt damaged? Defective? Different?

I was terminated from my job yesterday. Now that the initial shock is over and the immediate though of I wish I were dead or why doesn’t someone kill me. I realize that I have a lot of problems that I need to learn how to deal with. I was written up almost a month ago for unprofessionalism at work. A coworker of mine was telling me over and over everything I did was wrong. In addition, she would talk about me with other coworkers which really hurt my feelings. I thought that I would be in trouble if I went to my supervisor so I choose not to say anything. As I said I was written up and place on probation for thirty days. I really tried to improve the behaviors that were listed. When I went into a meeting with my boss I asked her how everything was going and she said good you are just making a several mistakes with the job. I thought it was okay because I was in training and I could correct and change those mistakes. So about two weeks (end of Jan) ago after I had heard this girl say something again about me I decided that I should approach her. I said if there is a problem then I hope that we can discuss it together and work on it as professionals. I thought this was the professional thing to do/say. I was pulled into my boss’s office about four days after this incident occurred and I explained to her what happened. She said okay I will talk with everyone else involved. Yesterday she approached me again and said you are being terminated for this instance because she had written I attacked this girl verbally and after she had spoke with me about this situation I became hysterical. I didn’t mean to I was just really upset about the whole situation I thought I had done the right thing in talking with her. What frustrated me besides the whole situation and how it happened was that I had signed my job description three days ago and thought everything was okay then yesterday she told me all of this information.

This is so much more than just this problem though it does deeper… How I interact with people, how I feel about myself and how I see things are the much deeper issues. This includes interacting with my family and friends learning how to make friends and interact with new people. I am tried of just existing, going through the motions. I want to feel better.

I know the situation with my coworker in the position was a bad situation all the way around. I think we both played a role in the situation turning out poorly. Unfortunately she did not get in trouble for anything that she did. I probably overreacted to a lot of what she said to me. I’m not sure exactly why. It just felt horrible going to work day after day realizing that she was talking about me with other people. Which snowballed into the fact that I felt like everyone hated me and everyone was against me. When I did confront her about talking about me I did not feel like I was being threatening, attacking or mean. However, that was the way she and others saw the situation.

I just want to be able to learn from this situation so that it does not happen again. Part of me knows that I played a part in what occurred the other part of me feels like from day one she my coworker was harassing me. I am just not sure how to deal with people who act that way. Its like I can take what she said for so long and then I felt flooded and probably overreacted to the situation. If it were just this one time this one situation this one person this happened with I would chalk it up to not a wonderful situation. However, when I look at the past ten years and realize Keri, Rhonda, Lori, etc… I know that the problem lays within me. I need to learn how to stop myself from getting flooded so that I do not overreact.

I have always felt rejected by people and I do not know how to interact with people. I want more than anything to have friends and be able to get along with people in life, work, and in relationships. I’m just not sure how to do this anymore. Ever feel damaged. Like you are just not good enough and what you do is always wrong. I wish there was a manual of A,B,C. Something that I could follow. How do I change my behaviors and personality? Obviously the things that I have been doing since I was young do not work. I remember when I was in first grade some of my classmates telling me they were not aloud to play with me anymore. In junior high the same things happened people decided they did not want to be friends anymore, then in high school my senior year my best friends who I had been with since junior high decided the same thing. Now it plays out in the work world, in real life situation everyday (work, friendships, etc…)

Somehow these patterns have become engrained in me. Now I need to change them. I need to relearn how to live so that I am happy, confident and that people like me. It’s like I do not know how to relate to people. I am nice and friendly to everyone but I can’t relate. It’s like my director said to me yesterday you are a nice person I just do not think this environment on a Trauma Level I medical position is the right match for you it is a very stressful position. (a therapist used to tell me that stressful situations tend to bring out my worst) Yes that situation with this coworker played a part in the decision. It was more than that I made mistakes and I was not catching on fast enough. I did feel myself asking a lot of questions that I knew that I knew that answers to it was like I lacked the confidence in myself to make those decisions or do what I knew needed to be done without asking is this okay or is this right.

I’m not frustrated as much with being terminated from this position. I am sad really really sad (it made me realize how different I am from other people) I am scared that I will never find another job, I will never be able to work for this medical place again because of a no rehire policy I’m scared I am never going to be able to hold a job. These are the things that scary me. I am truly scared I will never be normal that I will never be happy again. I feel like my brain is broken that there is something wrong

What do you do when you hate everything about yourself, when you do not see anything good about you. At this point… death is not an option for me but living like this really is not either. There has to be a gray area between the black and white. How do I learn to interact with people so that I do have friendships, how do I learn to survive in a work environment so that I keep a job longer than a few months to a year.

If I could imagine the place that I want to be it would look like this….
I would be happy, I would feel confident about myself and the choices/decisions I make I would be able to handle stress in a positive way (because the world is filled with stress) I would be at a job that I love and be able to keep it for along time, I would have friends who loved, respected and appreciated me as a person. I would have close friendships with others I would be able to see their perspective. I think one of my hardest things is that I do not see what other people see. I can’t see another person’s perspective. Its like my mind is so flooded with self doubt, self critism, self hate that I automatically think that people are thinking the same thing about me also. So if I see this through the mirror how do you change that mirror. I am willing to put 110% in whatever it will take to change this. I do not want to feel this way anymore I am tired of feeling horrible about myself. I am tired of the situations that I put myself into (accidently or on purpose). Its scary to me I go places and I think that when people look at me they see someone who is totally different. Almost that alien feeling of not belonging. I hate that.

I feel like I am in such a deep dark place and I need someone to help pull me towards the light. I am tired of living in this deep hole. I know that it will take work and probably be some of the hardest work I have ever done but I am willing to do it. Almost like training for a marathon. I am willing to put the work that it will take into running that marathon all the way through. Just help get me out of here.


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 Post subject: Re: Changing Thinking Patterns
PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:30 pm 
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Sigmabeth, To answer you question; every minute of everyday for years. I am just now beginning to find peace. It has been a long road, that I feel I'm on today. Tomorrow who knows.... I hope you find what you need to feel whole


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 Post subject: Re: Changing Thinking Patterns
PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 7:30 pm 
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Damaged / defective? Used to. Different? Since Jr High. Still do. Well, it's not that I actually feel different most of the time. But, I know I am. And that's okay, though occasionally frustrating.

It seems like it's so easy to get into a black and white thinking spot of either thinking the other person (or people) is to blame, or thinking that oneself is totally to blame. I think it's good that you are not in that place.

I see two issues in the work situation. One is how to handle it before it gets to the breaking point. And, 2nd, how to not emotionally act out when/if something comes to the breaking point.

It sounds to me like you were taking too much, instead of doing something about it. I'm thinking, if someone is critising you at work, go to your boss and say "N said I'm doing {task} wrong. I'd like to get your input about it.". Approaching the boss not as a tattle tale, not complaining about the co-worker, but asking for input about, well, whatever the co-worker is complaining about. If the co-worker is being inappropriate, that does bring it to the attention of the boss. And if the co-worker's criticisms are valid, you get the perspective of the boss on the issue.

Another thing that would be helpful -- and this is part of the Four Agreements, which is one of the Tools in the "Tools" section of the website (far left column) -- don't take it personally.

Or, it would be in the Tools section of the website if the website wasn't down. You can look for discussion in the All For Four section of the message board. And let me see if I can find a link about the Four Agreements. Ah, here we go, right from Miguel Ruiz's website. Four Agreements webpage.

Miguel Ruiz wrote:
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.


What your co-worker says is a reflection of her reality, how she sees the world. It's a reflection of her, not you. If she says something helpful, use it. But don't let it define you. It's her reality, not yours.

Quote:
I need to learn how to stop myself from getting flooded so that I do not overreact.


I guess that all (what I wrote) does fall under how not to get flooded. But, I'm thinking, one can also learn not to overreact. Yes, better not to get into the situation in the first place. Still, good to have the stills to not overreact, to not act out inappropriately.

For some people, working the 5 Steps in retrospect (that is, looking back at a situation) is helpful to them. It helps them learn different approaches they could have used, and then eventually to be able to use them in the moment. For information on the 5 Steps see the One Step at a Time section of this message board.

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Ellen K.


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