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 Post subject: Accepting Construction Criticism
PostPosted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 7:48 pm 
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One of my AA friends told me that, because I will be sober for 5 years in May, that I should be more positive in my sharing and when I speak. She said that because when new people look at me, I want to show that I'm changing. She said also because it will help me feel better. She said that I always share about what I'm working on, and that, while that is good, it's also good to recognize the positive things in myself and the positive ways that I'm changing. I'm really trying to be okay with this. I just left her house feeling really discouraged. She was really nice about it, but I'm feeling she was telling me that I can't be myself. And all I want is to be accepted for who I am. She said that my life was really great and it's important to recognize that. I guess for me, I believe that it's important to talk about how you really feel because you're trying to work through it. If I want to talk about good things, I will. I just want to cry because I feel like I have to lie now.


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 Post subject: Re: Accepting Construction Criticism
PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 8:24 am 
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Asking you to be aware of and share the positive things going on for you and how you are changing isn't asking you to be someone your not.

It sounds like you are interpreting her as saying don't do what your doing. But, according to you, she didn't say that. She said what you are sharing is good, but you should share other stuff as well. She affirmed that what you are sharing is good, and she affirmed that you have positive things going on, and positive changes.

What gets in the way of sharing positive stuff in addition to the stuff you already share?

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 Post subject: Re: Accepting Construction Criticism
PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 8:46 am 
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Oops. Given are recent past history, maybe I shouldn't have replied. Sorry.

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 Post subject: Re: Accepting Construction Criticism
PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:18 pm 
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lbcgal -
I don't think it has to be so black-and-white: either share positive stuff or say nothing at all. Rather, she is suggesting that you share some of your positive experiences as well as what you are working on/hope to improve. It is actually a compliment - that you have done so well and you deserve recognition for that. And also maybe she is telling you that you are not giving yourself enough credit. Sometimes we have to toot our own horns... makes us feel better about ourselves and also gives others hope!
CONGRATS on 5 years sober!!! I am almost at 2 months sobriety and feeling great!
Chai :biggrin


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 Post subject: Re: Accepting Construction Criticism
PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:19 pm 
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I agree that it doesn't need to be just one way or the other. You certainly shouldn't have to lie or pretend to be someone you're not, but I think she's just suggesting (NOT demanding, by the way) that you include some positive stuff as well. I've never been in a 12-Step program, so I don't really know what people talk about at meetings. And I don't think it's your responsibility to be all perky and smily and relentlessly upbeat just to encourage newer members, especially when there's still stuff you're struggling with. BUT, you do have 5 years of sobriety, which is a great achievement. I don't know how often or to what degree you are tempted to relapse, but you have been able to stay strong and resist, and that's a very positive thing. And I'm sure there are other accomplishments that you've been able to achieve over the years. Perhaps you can touch on some of those things when you speak.

A lot of people keep a gratitude or a "positive stuff" journal, regardless of their mental health or addiction history. Sometimes it can be a challenge to come up with things you're grateful for or that you're feeling positive about, but there's always something. It can be as mundane as being grateful for having enough food to eat to feeling positive about making it to work on time today. It is really good for us to work on identifying and owning the good stuff in our lives at the same time as we work on the not-so-good. So if you talk in meetings about what you're working on, which I assume are issues that you would consider not-so-good, then maybe also throw in something about older problems that you've made progress on. So if you spoke on Jan. 1 about problem X, and then by Mar. 1 you've made progress on problem X and you're going to talk about problem Y or Z which are now more pressing to you, then say something about what you accomplished on dealing with X. Again, I have experience with 12-Stepping so I don't know how much time you have for what you want to talk about, but hopefully you can fit a little of both your new issues and something you feel positive about.

This will help both the newer people in your group and yourself.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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