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Have you ever felt damaged? Defective? Different?

I was terminated from my job yesterday. Now that the initial shock is over and the immediate though of I wish I were dead or why doesn’t someone kill me. I realize that I have a lot of problems that I need to learn how to deal with. I was written up almost a month ago for unprofessionalism at work. A coworker of mine was telling me over and over everything I did was wrong. In addition, she would talk about me with other coworkers which really hurt my feelings. I thought that I would be in trouble if I went to my supervisor so I choose not to say anything. As I said I was written up and place on probation for thirty days. I really tried to improve the behaviors that were listed. When I went into a meeting with her I asked her how everything was going and she said good you are just making a several mistakes with the job. I thought it was okay because I was in training and I could correct and change those mistakes. So about two weeks (end of Jan) ago after I had heard this girl say something again about me I decided that I should approach her. I said if there is a problem then I hope that we can discuss it together and work on it as professionals. I thought this was the professional thing to do/say. I was pulled into my boss’s office about four days after this incident occurred and I explained to her what happened. She said okay I will talk with everyone else involved. Yesterday she approached me again and said you are being terminated for this instance because she had written I attacked this girl verbally and after she had spoke with me about this situation I became hysterical. I didn’t mean to I was just really upset about the whole situation I thought I had done the right thing in talking with her. What frustrated me besides the whole situation and how it happened was that I had signed my job description three days ago and thought everything was okay then yesterday she told me all of this information.

This is so much more than just this problem though it does deeperHow I interact with people, how I feel about myself and how I see things are the much deeper issues. This includes interacting with my family and friends learning how to make friends and interact with new people. I am tried of just existing, going through the motions. I want to feel better. I wish there was some where I could go to get away from myself from my thinking from the way I feel. I wish I could start all over again and never feel this way again. I hurt so badly. I need to change this. I want to change this.

I know the situation with my coworker in the position was a bad situation all the way around. I think we both played a role in the situation turning out poorly. Unfortunately she did not get in trouble for anything that she did. I probably overreacted to a lot of what she said to me. I’m not sure exactly why. It just felt horrible going to work day after day realizing that she was talking about me with other people. Which snowballed into the fact that I felt like everyone hated me and everyone was against me. When I did confront her about talking about me I did not feel like I was being threatening, attacking or mean. However, that was the way she and others saw the situation.

I just want to be able to learn from this situation so that it does not happen again. Part of me knows that I played a part in what occurred the other part of me feels like from day one she my coworker was harassing me. I am just not sure how to deal with people who act that way. Its like I can take what she said for so long and then I felt flooded and probably overreacted to the situation. If it were just this one time this one situation this one person this happened with I would chalk it up to not a wonderful situation. However, when I look at the past ten years and realize Keri, Rhonda, Lori, etc… I know that the problem lays within me. I need to learn how to stop myself from getting flooded so that I do not overreact.

I have always felt rejected by people and I do not know how to interact with people. I want more than anything to have friends and be able to get along with people in life, work, and in relationships. I’m just not sure how to do this anymore. Ever feel damaged. Like you are just not good enough and what you do is always wrong. I wish there was a manual of A,B,C. Something that I could follow. How do I change my behaviors and personality? Obviously the things that I have been doing since I was young do not work. I remember when I was in first grade some of my classmates telling me they were not aloud to play with me anymore. In junior high the same things happened people decided they did not want to be friends anymore, then in high school my senior year my best friends who I had been with since junior high decided the same thing. Now it plays out in the work world, in real life situation everyday (work, friendships, etc…)

Somehow these patterns have become engrained in me. Now I need to change them. I need to relearn how to live so that I am happy, confident and that people like me. Perhaps, some of what happened in the work situation was out of jealousy because this coworker is so nice and sweet and everyone truly loves her and more than anything that is what I want. It’s like I do not know how to relate to people. I am nice and friendly to everyone but I can’t relate. It’s like my director said to me yesterday you are a nice person I just do not think this environment on a Trauma Level I medical position is the right match for you it is a very stressful position. (a therapist used to tell me that stressful situations tend to bring out my worst) Yes that situation with this coworker played a part in the decision. It was more than that I made mistakes and I was not catching on fast enough. I did feel myself asking a lot of questions that I knew that I knew that answers to it was like I lacked the confidence in myself to make those decisions or do what I knew needed to be done without asking is this okay or is this right.

I’m not frustrated as much with being terminated from this position. I am sad really really sad (it made me realize how different I am from other people) I am scared that I will never find another job, I will never be able to work for this medical place again because of a no rehire policy I’m scared I am never going to be able to hold a job. These are the things that scary me. I am truly scared I will never be normal that I will never be happy again. I feel like my brain is broken that there is something wrong

What do you do when you hate everything about yourself, when you do not see anything good about you. At this point… death is not an option for me but living like this really is not either. There has to be a gray area between the black and white. How do I learn to interact with people so that I do have friendships, how do I learn to survive in a work environment so that I keep a job longer than a few months to a year.

If I could imagine the place that I want to be it would look like this….
I would be happy, I would feel confident about myself and the choices/decisions I make I would be able to handle stress in a positive way (because the world is filled with stress) I would be at a job that I love and be able to keep it for along time, I would have friends who loved, respected and appreciated me as a person. I would have close friendships with others I would be able to see their perspective. I think one of my hardest things is that I do not see what other people see. I can’t see another person’s perspective. Its like my mind is so flooded with self doubt, self critism, self hate that I automatically think that people are thinking the same thing about me also. So if I see this through the mirror how do you change that mirror. I am willing to put 110% in whatever it will take to change this. I do not want to feel this way anymore I am tired of feeling horrible about myself. I am tired of the situations that I put myself into (accidently or on purpose). Its scary to me I go places and I think that when people look at me they see someone who is totally different. Almost that alien feeling of not belonging. I hate that.

I feel like I am in such a deep dark place and I need someone to help pull me towards the light. I am tired of living in this deep hole. I know that it will take work and probably be some of the hardest work I have ever done but I am willing to do it. Almost like training for a marathon. I am willing to put the work that it will take into running that marathon all the way through. Just help get me out of here.

hi sigmabeth,

i am here to listen. i hear very clearly your desire to work towards a happier and healthier life for yourself.

are you seeing a professional therapist who understands you and are you open with him/her?

have you checked into the tools on this site yet?

it takes years for patterns of thought and behavior to be ingrained into us. so it only stands to reason that even with commitment and conscious effort it will take time to change those thoughts and behaviors that we are unhappy about. be kind to yourself. be as patient with yourself as you would want someone else to be patient with you.

look forward to getting to know you better.

lbjnltx

Hi sigmabeth,
I feel like that a lot. Sometimes I feel that I take too much responsibility for other people's reactions. I could be wrong, but maybe you're just thinking too much into it. Sometimes jobs just don't work out. It doesn't necessarily mean that you did anything wrong at all. It could just be that it wasn't a good fit. I have had several situations like that..where I have felt socially awkward..where people haven't accepted me..but it sounds to me that you're doing a lot more rejecting of yourself than other people are. I think all people..borderline or not..go through situations like that at work and with people. I can think of several instances where friends left me or coworkers gossiped about me, but it doesn't necessarily me that it was all my fault. I'm not saying to not look at your part, but it seems that you are completely willing to do that. I have friends who are very easy to get a long with..who are competent..who are socially brilliant..and they get fired from jobs and laid off, just like the rest of us. They snap at their bosses..they get into arguments with coworkers. We all overreact sometimes..and it's ok. Anyway..I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Let me know if you want to talk :-)

Hi SigmaBeth,

I just wanted to reply and let you know you're not alone!! I've been through similar situations and lost jobs. Great jobs. A former boss actually brought my attitude to my attention one time and I had NO CLUE how I was coming off to her... it shocked me. this was years ago and it's only now that I realize it's all the same stuff I'm going through now, I just didn't realize it then. Never gave it any attention.

For you, I hope you see the benefit in knowing what you need to work on and as sour as it is, at least you have some time to work on those things. maybe take a few weeks before getting another job and really focus on YOU.

You really aren't alone. But you also aren't defective. damage can be repaired, difference is like a flavour. but defective is something none of us are. chin up, friend.

Hi SigmaBeth,

I just wanted to add that I do feel damaged, defective, and different also. Only recently have I begun to realize that the only way out is to begin to accept my different, damaged and defective self as essentially who I am. The only thing I have control over is how I act and now I am working on monitoring by behavior all the time. It's really hard. I don't normally realize how I affect other people until it is too late.

With the job situation....I've had similar experiences.....I now know that the ABCs of it all means that I need to never show frustration or anger ever at the workplace (mostly because I can't monitor appropriate levels)......and most of the time I need to basically "suck up" to the powers that be.....

I've been told I'll be fired in 3 months. I'm taking it as an opportunity to get my life in alignment with my soul....which means I have to learn about myself and what truly makes me happy. That way I'll have less stress at the workplace and more motivation to keep my job when it gets tough.

FWIW.......I hope it helps......

skio