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 Post subject: Friends
PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:37 am 
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I have no trouble making friends. The problem is the friends that I attract lead my to trouble. I'm on the tail end of an EXTREMELY borderline month or so. All my behaviors came rushing back. I can't remember the last time this happened. Scary thing is, it felt good. But it has been in no way good for me.

I don't blame the people I hang out with. It's my choice to act out. But these people make it easier. They are younger than I am and in the party stage. I guess I got a taste of my old life, and happily peaceful and married Trinity just flew out of the window.

So... I am now wondering, how the hell do I make friends? It seems everywhere I turn, the people I meet are unhealthy and full of drama. I still attract those kinds of people. It makes me not want to have any friends, but I know I need more than just B. So where do I find relatively healthy people?

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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 8:15 pm 
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Do you have any hobbies? I've met friends through similar interest activities. Like, I run daily so I joined a local running club and met all kinds of healthy people. Some I didn't really connect with, but a few have remained close to me. I also took a photography class at an adult ed center where I met people I like who have proven to be good for me.

Where do you meet these unhealthy friends? If it's like at a bar or something (how I used to find all sorts of dysfunctional/ drama-oriented friends!).....well, why not try a coffee house or a bookstore?

I guess I'm trying to say that in order to find 'healthy' friends, you have to go where the 'healthy' people hang out. In my city there is a Whole Foods market that always has lots of get-togethers posted on a bulletin board. It can be intimidating (at least for me) to go to these things, but I've met some really great people doing so.

What about a local park? Or a dog park (if you have a dog)? Hiking club? Maybe get involved in some of your cities charity events?

And I feel I might mention also......if you meet people that you know off the bat )or pretty soon after trying to be friends) to be dysfunctional or not good for you, you don't have to become their friend forever. Acquaintances are good! Maybe it's just a matter of getting to know someone better before you put them in the 'friend' category? If they prove to be unhealthy/drama-types.....well, that tends to show itself pretty quickly in my experience. Maybe it would help to set better boundaries with the drama? So then even if your friends are enmeshed in it, you don't have to be. It doesn't make you a bad friend or anything to set guidelines that protect your sanity!

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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 11:30 pm 
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just lost my post ... grrr...

anyways, to recap - it is easy to fall back into unhealthy relationship patterns, especially with friends. However, if I hear you correctly, you are trying to find healthier relationship patterns ... so .... I think H's idea is a great one: instead of hanging out with party people, hang out with people who have the same hobbies and interests that you do. Slower going .... absolutely ...but in the end, a better quality of friendship ... a quality of friendship that will help you go where you want to go, that will help you evolve into your potential, and not the type of friendship that, however well-intentioned, will only keep you down.

Just my two cents ...

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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:58 am 
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I might suggest that you consider not being so fast to make friends. Another thing I might suggest is to have in mind some characteristics of the kind of people you would rather see as your friends.

By this I mean that you know what you attract, so maybe you need to keep new attractees at arm's length a little bit until they've shown their true colors to you. You can compare those colors to the characteristics you've predetermined. If/when they don't match closely enough, you won't be so involved with them and it's easier to let them go.

jim

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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 3:37 pm 
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I do tend to attach to others rather quickly. I need to keep an eye on that behavior.

The "drama" people I meet are co-workers. I've gone from one extreme to another at work. Partying and acting crazy before. Now anti-social and in a cocoon. I showed my crazy in front of people at work and I'm embarrassed. Sigh...

I've been trying to meet healthier people. Have you heard of Meetup.com? You can find groups of people in your area with similar interests. I joined a coffee group that I enjoy. I also just joined a book club. I'm trying. It's just a lot of work, and I'm always one for an easy way to do something. It's not going to be easy, but it's worth it for my mental health.

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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:38 pm 
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It is work, and it takes time, but if you can be patient, you'll get there.

After my divorce and my two stints in the hospital, I had no spouse, semi-adult children who mostly weren't around, and one friend who stuck with me but whose work schedule keeps her pretty busy and not frequently available to just hang out.

Eight years later, I'm doing better. In addition to the one close friend, I now have another -- an old friend I reconnected with, who is free enough to have lunch at least a couple of times a month. I also, as you probably know, am active at church, which isn't your thing but has been good for me. It's taken a long time, but now I'm comfortable enough around a lot of people there that I feel like we've moved somewhere past the "basic acquaintance" stage even if we're not BFFs. I've gotten to know some of them better through volunteering for various projects, like the hurricane relief trips I took and a bunch of local stuff, and joining a couple of study groups. When I do encounter them in a social setting, I can be them without feeling panicky or like an intruder. So even though I still don't have somebody to share my life with on a really close/intimate level, which I sometimes miss and sometimes don't, I at least have a group whom I feel reasonably connected with through shared interests.

I think meetup.com sounds like a good place to start. Book clubs are fun as long as the participants aren't so intensely analytical that you feel like you need a PhD in literature to take part. I have no use for people who take things that seriously. Volunteering is really a great way to meet nice people, though. I know in Collier there are a zillion different things to do, and there's a list published in the paper every couple of weeks. It can be hard to take the plunge -- at least it was for me, because I have HUGE anxiety about calling people I don't know -- but participating in a church project at the local therapeutic riding center (painting fences) got me introduced to some of the people there, and so I was finally able to come to grips with signing up for some regular time (a few hours a week).

I know it's different for me, both because I don't like drama and would much rather hibernate altogether than go out and stir up trouble for myself. And I'm so much older than you are, and am not in frequent contact with younger and rowdier co-workers or whatever. I do go hang out at the bar at my ex-h's restaurant occasionally for a glass of wine or two and maybe some dinner, but it's not a crazy crowd (mostly), and I'm so paranoid about getting a DUI that I'm pretty careful -- if I lose my license for a year I'm utterly screwed.

I'll shut up now. Sorry, I do tend to get long-winded. I think it would be really good for you to find some new and maybe less trouble-making friends, but you have to go out and look for them. If the first attempt or two don't work out, keep trying. There are nice people out there.

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I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Sat Apr 10, 2010 6:58 am 
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Not long-winded at all Sari. :) It's funny you mention church. I'm actually going to a service tomorrow at a church that was recommended to me. Doesn't hurt to check it out. (And we will get together for lunch or coffee or something soon!)

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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Sat Apr 10, 2010 3:21 pm 
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Good, on both counts.

There are all sorts of faith traditions out there these days, and even within certain groups or denominations there can be huge differences from one church to the next depending on the individual church leaders. So if one doesn't work, consider trying another, and hopefully you'll find something that works for you. Even though my own denomination is considered very old-fashioned and perhaps in decline, I find my individual church to be a very warm, welcoming, non-threatening and inclusive place. Music is very important to me, and I need to be someplace where good music (organ and singing) is valued. I like the traditional and historic hymns and choral music, but others like more contemporary songs; some churches offer a bit of both. So I hope your explorations lead you to something meaningful, and I'll bet you find some good people wherever that might be.

My daughter is coming home tomorrow for a few days, and then I'll be out of town for 10 days or so, but I'll be here May through July as far as I know. So let me know, and we can meet up in Estero -- or someplace else, whatever floats our boats at the moment.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Sat Apr 10, 2010 4:00 pm 
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"I don't blame the people I hang out with. It's my choice to act out. But these people make it easier."


I have found myself in this same situation: involved with people whose energy(s) seem to boast an outlet to my negativities (the bpd tendancies) And yet, like your post suggests, I too am aware of this potential outcome...afterall it is 'our choice' ... and when these circumstances arise I use this mantra (which may/may not help) "is this the best choice... is this the right thing to do?"... and if the answer is No then I force myself to leave the situation right then, regardless of how 'good' it may feel at that moment I remove myself. And the next day, I am happy ~ proud of myself for having control.

hope this helps.

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 Post subject: Re: Friends
PostPosted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 6:15 am 
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Newt, I have to remember what you said. The important thing is although this feels "good" right now, how will I feel about it later? Yes, it did help.

Estero sounds good to me, Sari. :)

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