Hello everyone:
I've been having a pretty difficult couple of weeks; It's been very hard to try to figure out what my intense feelings have been about lately--I have these crying spells, and this desire to be alone, and then I feel lonely. Today I had to take the day off to just get things together in my head. A long day it's been indeed...and I've gotten to the bottom (I think) of most my feelings. I'm in the throws of a lot of change: I'm in couples counseling with my partner, I've postponed communication from my family as they are not very supportive or encouraging of my life, BPD aside. I've gone through the past 2 years of accepting my diagnosis, using all of these skills and taking STEPPS classes, and yet this week I'm having such a difficult time with being Borderline. I feel so spent about facing it and trying to keep things under control. I just feel very tired.
I got into an argument this evening with my partner, and after a little space and a lot of talking, he ended up recognizing and affirming the difficult day I had today. It was then that this intense guilt came in (the topic of this post). When he's angry at me for symptoms or episodes I show affect him, I get so upset that he doesn't recognize that it's in association with my illness, that I'm not doing things intentionally to hurt him (because I love him very much). But when he recognizes the intensity of this struggle to manage my illness, I feel this unbelievably deep guilt, about everything. I feel horrible that he's dating someone with BPD, that he couldn't have met me at a better state in my life, that he doesn't deserve this. I feel so defective, like nothing. He kept telling me it was okay, and that he was okay, and that right now I shouldn't put myself through those negative thoughts, but I just can't seem to help it.
Can anyone offer some advice/suggestions as to where this intense guilt might be coming from? I want to move from this, it's just that I feel so bad about being Borderline as soon as things are resolved between myself and someone, usually my boyfriend. I know this shame won't help me in my recovery, but I'm really struggling to live by that this week.
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