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 Post subject: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 8:49 pm 
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Hi!

I didn't know where to put this, so here goes.

At times I will cry, be very upset and scared because I am bored. No one understands how I could be so distraught over such a relatively benign emotion. The people who don't understand include mental health professionals. When I complain about being bored, its not just an idle complaint, its a serious emotional problem!

Its gotten to the point where I will start to feel abject panic, real blood-chilling terror, over the mere anticipation of being bored. So, I try to distract myself with whatever, but sooner or later I'll run out of things to do.

I'm kind of bored right now, but I have something to do (writing this) so I'm protected from the full blunt of the emotion. I don't have a job and school's out for the next month, so I have tons of opportunities to be bored. Flooding doesn't work, it just reinforces my fears.

You see, there's a difference between being inactive and being bored. But its not like I choose to be bored when I am.

I have a month before I see my psychiatrist again, and it'll be two weeks after that before I can see a therapist. I can only see therapists bimonthly (its how my health insurance works) and in the meantime.... well, I'm scared. Not that seeing a mental health professional will somehow magically protect me from being bored.

What can I do? Does anyone else experience this, or am I the only one?

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:56 pm 
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It didn't freak me out to be bored, but there were certainly situations I recall where the emotion(s) I was feeling was just not quite appropriate to the situation. I think the forum you posted in-- On the Border-- is a great forum for stuff like this. It's just general mental-health type stuff, but the anxiety closet or any of the tool sections would have been good too.

One example that I actually posted about on here (long ago): I used to PANIC on weekend mornings (Sundays I think) when my husband would get out of bed before me and go into the next room to play video games. He was still in the same house and would even kiss me 'goodbye' before he got out of bed..... but I felt totally and completely abandoned. No one (especially not my H or my T!) understood why I felt this way as he wasn't even leaving the house or fighting or anything, but feel it I did. Severely. So, yeah, I think I can relate at least a little. It took me some hard thinking and introspection to get over it, but now it's no big deal to me. In fact, I love having the bed to myself on Sunday mornings!

I guess my point is.......boredom is something we all have to deal with from time to time, so it's something that you will have to learn how to cope effectively with if your goal is happy, healthy living.

What are you doing now? I know you mentioned trying to distract or stay busy, but I mean-- what exactly do you do/think/say/act when that fear grips you? And what is 'flooding'? I don't understand the term. What are your current coping techniques?

In my example, I thought the problem was that my H was leaving the room-- abandoning me. But in reality, the problem was my fear that he 'might' abandon me, then my head would star swimming with all the what if's and I would really start spiraling down. His physical departure from the room just triggered all that-- he wasn't really doing anything wrong. I'm wondering if your fear of being bored isn't really something deeper-- maybe fear of being alone with your own thoughts? Maybe something I can't even think of-- whatever, the bottom line is I think it would help you to understand why you fear being bored. If you already do, great. We'll move on to the next step. But it's important, I think, to make sure it's fear of boredom and not something more deep-seeded.

Another thought I have is that I've learned that all of my emotions (the good ones and the bad ones) stem from my perceptions. My perceptions (of situations, of reality, of what's going on, of what if's, of what might be's) then turn into thoughts. It's those thoughts that lead to the emotions. Perception=thought=emotion. If you can disrupt or change any one of those things, you can change the outcome of the situation. From your post I would assume that you might have some twisted thoughts that are coming into play when you feel you might be in a spot where you will get bored or when you find yourself bored. If you can learn to untwist those thoughts, you can solve this problem or at least make it manageable.

I hope that helps. I'll be on-line on and off all weekend if you would like to discuss this more. I hope others chime in too; it's always nice to hear more than one pov! Just rest assured you are not alone in this-- and that it doesn't have to control your life. You can control it. Wouldn't that be great?

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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Sun Aug 08, 2010 11:41 pm 
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Hm, that's quite a bit to think about, Harmonium.

The situation with you had going on with your husband is about on par with regard to how I can feel strongly one way, and yet know that its unreasonable to feel that way at the same time.

I'm glad you found a way to enjoy those mornings!

I think its kind of a snowball effect, but its strange, sometimes I don't even realize how close I am to the freak-out until its right there. Not that there weren't warning signs along the way, but I didn't know how --couldn't-- heed them. Or something. Boredom snowballs, but it is also, to a large extent, a perceptual thing, probably a bunch of things that all factor into it at different times.

For example, when I'm watching a movie alone, as soon as its over I kind of have this reality-shock feeling of "that was two hours of my life!" combined with "oh, sh!t, I have to figure out what to do again!"

I try to change my surroundings when I realize that I'm bored and have been pretty much in the same place for two days. Or even if its only been an hour, I'll leave the house to go for a walk or to the coffeeshop. That's one coping technique. The other one I use is being with people. Interacting with other people *usually* saves me from being bored, especially if I don't know them that well. Problem is, its a pretty unreliable source of entertainment, and some people resent "being used" for that purpose.

Flooding... I thought that was the term used to describe exposing yourself to a feared situation over and over again to increasing degrees with the theory that doing so will somehow make you less afraid. "Face your fears", in common parlance. I don't buy it. Anyway.

I'm not sure I understand what "perception" is in the theory of mind you just outlined. Also, I can make myself feel anxious by thinking "I can't handle this!" but oftentimes in the EXACT same situation, I wouldn't be thinking "I can't handle this!" unless I was feeling anxious. So... I dunno. Maybe I'm just making an elaborate excuse for not looking inside to see if something deeper is going on. But what could it possibly be?

I couldn't tell you what was going on in those moments when the fear/boredom is most intense. Its almost as if the emotion is so strong it drowns out the thoughts that feed it. In order to be calm enough hear what the thoughts even ARE (in order to untwist them), I'd have to stop thinking them. (And given that I could never have the agility of mind to actually SAY any of this to a therapist, you can see where the suggestion to "listen to your thoughts next time you feel afraid of boredom" would receive a mute nod and never get done)

I digress.

I think that the fact that I'm coming from the point of view of trying to describe the problem is preventing me from finding or accepting any real solutions.

Ugh.

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 3:10 am 
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now that you've mentioned it, now I realise that I've always struggled with it - boredom aka feeling DOWN.

The last one to two weeks I've been feeling like that. Just bored and down, and today I just feel like sleeping and have no desire to do anything else. Though I did go to work and did do work, but I really felt like sleeping (despite having sufficient sleep).

What should I do?

There are no thoughts (or rather, no clarity of what I'm actually thinking), no particular emotions felt (anger, hurt, etc), just down and bored and I guess sleeping is a way to forget how you feel.

how?


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:59 pm 
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Okay....so why not just feel how you feel? just be bored? Is it boredom or depression? Apathy?

I realize it's anxiety/panic/emotionally draining......but sometimes the only way out is through. What happens if you just make yourself continue to be bored until it is no longer a fearsome thing? What's the worst thing that could happen? Do you get suicidal over this? If so, please ignore this suggestion!

What about meditation? Do you practice any forms of breathing/meditation techniques? Learning to just BE.....not doing anything, not thinking anything, just finding that 'flow' is one of the main ways I stay sane. I had to train my mind to be able to do it-- it certainly didn't come naturally for me. Are you interested?

I apologize for writing such a long post the first go-round.....I get carried away sometimes and have trouble condensing my thoughts. I'll make this one shorter.

I've suggested looking into the reasons behind your ordeal with boredom because you seem to have a good grasp on it being a bit out of proportion to the situation (at least at times) and also because you have some good coping skills under your belt to deal with it that obviously aren't doing the trick. So, if you can't solve a problem one way, try another, then another, then another and so on until you find what works for you.
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I couldn't tell you what was going on in those moments when the fear/boredom is most intense. Its almost as if the emotion is so strong it drowns out the thoughts that feed it. In order to be calm enough hear what the thoughts even ARE (in order to untwist them), I'd have to stop thinking them. (And given that I could never have the agility of mind to actually SAY any of this to a therapist, you can see where the suggestion to "listen to your thoughts next time you feel afraid of boredom" would receive a mute nod and never get done)

Recovery from this type of behavior is work. I'm under no illusions that it's an easy thing to do. In fact, I thought this kind of thing was impossible at one point too. But it's not. I hope you will try find the thoughts that are feeding this emotion. They are there; at least for me and everyone else I know who's been through this type of stuff. At the very least, I hope you open your mind to the possibility that you could do this sort of thing.......after all, if you think you can't you never will.

Thanks for telling me what flooding is....I wasn't familiar with the term, but I am with the concept. I'm sorry it hasn't worked for you. It is more than just exposure to the fearsome situation--- the thoughts surrounding the situation have to change too. The repeated exposure just desensitizes and helps you 'hear' those thoughts through all the emotion.

This stuff is tough. I hope you stick it out; this is solvable. Maybe some others on the board will have some ideas that will help. ;)

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"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:36 pm 
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what do you mean by 'flow'?

I hate it when I just feel down and empty, almost totally unmotivated to do the things that I'm supposed to do or want to do. How?


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 11:01 am 
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Quote:
what do you mean by 'flow'?

I found that when I was in the thick of my BPD/Depression/whatever-- my mental issues-- I would fight the world. I fought my emotions (even when I couldn't tell you exactly what they were or why they were), doing things, not doing things, etc..

When I say to find the Flow, I mean to stop fighting against everything. To stop believing life is so hard (it doesn't have to be; it can flow). To learn to adapt to the surroundings, be they emotional or physical or whatever. I don't mean 'adapt' as in be a chameleon, changing who you are......more like rolling with the punches or not letting anything and everything effect me on such a DEEP level. Everything is not life or death.

Learning to live in this moment and this moment alone helped me to find the flow.

It's like a river: I can choose to swim upstream, cursing the river for pushing against me all the way and getting nowhere (full-on BPD behavior 'cause it's not the river's fault!).....or I can turn around my perspective and go with the current instead of against it. I can learn to flow. When I get good at it, I can even learn to use that current to get me where I want to go.

I know all that is a bit mystic and abstract...... but if you think about it and apply it to your own needs in your own life, I think it will serve a purpose. Or not, I guess all I really know is that it has really helped me.

Quote:
I hate it when I just feel down and empty, almost totally unmotivated to do the things that I'm supposed to do or want to do. How?

Well......I'm presuming that when you feel down and empty and unmotivated to do anything, you DON'T do anything, right? How's that going for you?

It didn't work for me. I had to live in the moment and make a choice-- the choice to remain doing what I always did (nothing) and getting what I always got (more emptiness/unmotivated), OR, I could DO something about it. Get up, get out, pamper yourself, find a hobby-- virtually anything except giving in to the emptiness. If something is empty, the only way to change that is to fill it up. The good news is you get to 'fill it' (i.e. you) with whatever you want! It IS a choice, although I know firsthand it really doesn't seem like one. What will you choose today? Baby steps, baby steps.


Bewilderness:
I hope you don't mind me answering Meremortal's question in your thread. I thought it followed the same line of thought, but if you would like me to seperate it into another thread, just say the word. I'm not trying to high-jack! :biggrin

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"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:24 am 
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bewilderness: yeah hope you don't mind :) am okay if you minded too :)

harmonium, thanks for replying.

yeah, I find myself trying to fight the world whenever I'm depressed or in bpd-mood. Fight my feelings, fight the world, get angry at all the people who try to care for me, etc...

And I still find it difficult to get up and 'snap' out of my emptiness / down feeling.

Thanks for tips. Will start practising going with the flow. Meaning don't fight your emotions right? But go with the flow, meaning, ACKNOWLEDGE HOW WE FEEL? And also get up and do something rather than lie in bed doing nothing, right?

How bout you bewilderness?


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:12 pm 
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So, the only objection I can come up with is that it might get too long/convoluted trying to have two discussions in one thread. But, I don't really care. The subject is the exact same thing, so, it seems redundant to have two threads for it.

Anyway, I totally agree with meremortal's description of the feeling. I'd like, though, to extend this analogy: what I feel is the depression equivalent of having a tiny headache, not enough to really want to take a pill for, but annoying nonetheless; I'm assuming you know the type of headache I mean. When I get those headaches, its pretty inevitable that sooner or later I'll be snapping at my boyfriend, for no reason except that I have this tiny headache.

Its the same with the boredom. Pretty soon I'm bawling and if anyone asks me why its "because I'm bored and life sucks." A detached part of me is a bit relieved that the "tiny depression headache" has turned into a "depression migrane," because the feeling of being really upset is, well, not boring. Its actually extremely difficult for me to explain.

The problem is sometimes the "depression migrane" includes suicidal ideation. Not to mention that the tiny headache is so uncomfortable.

I don't really get the whole, "feel what you're feeling, don't fight it" rhetoric. I always thought it was one of those things that you kind of have to experience to understand. Whenever I ask people to clarify how it is possible to a.) not feel what you're feeling, or b.) to be upset and not wish it would end. Now. (i.e. "fighting it")... well, I feel like I just get more rhetoric in response.

To be more philosophical, (Harmonium, and you thought you wrote too much) I think its a problem with there being insufficient ways to explain emotion. You'd think that with all the years of human evolution, we'd come up with a better way of explaining these very complex abstract states, well, maybe not. For example, there's definitely a difference between say, being angry and needing to act on it, and being angry and not feeling the need to act on it. Yet we only have one word: anger. If I'm "going with the flow" I'm obviously experiencing the second form of anger. But how do I go from the first form to the second?

I think its interesting, Harmonium, that you call this
Quote:
Its almost as if the emotion is so strong it drowns out the thoughts that feed it. In order to be calm enough hear what the thoughts even ARE (in order to untwist them), I'd have to stop thinking them.
...a "type of behavior." Its the truth (as I see it, I guess). Maybe I'm misunderstanding you? Is that the right part of the quote?

I know that it isn't easy and I really am trying to understand. I appreciate your comments, I really do.

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:23 pm 
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bewilderness: I agree with you. The 'depression migraine' or the boredom / emptiness sometimes comes with suicidal ideation - for me it's thoughts that my life is worthless, thoughts of cutting myself or harming myself, or even thoughts of ending my life. Though I've never acted upon these thoughts, but the emotions are so difficult to go against. It just leaves me feeling defeated...


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 7:23 am 
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Hi. I just wanted you both to know that I've read your posts and I do have a reply, but I'm on my way to work atm.

Quickly, I do think that describing emotions is tough because we all experience them a bit differently, but you seem to be doing a great job. I would venture further, however, that I also believe that describing them/defining them accuratly for yourself or in whatever way makes sense to you is an important step in recovery. We have a section in the tools called 'Feelings and Moods' to help with descriptive terms.
Quote:
When I get those headaches, its pretty inevitable that sooner or later I'll be snapping at my boyfriend, for no reason except that I have this tiny headache.

Why is that "inevitable"? Simply because that's what's happened before? The goal is to recognize you are in that state and to find a solution to it that doesn't involve snapping at anyone. I realize I'm stating the obvious here, but my point is to try to get you to see that with a little paradigm-shift, anything is possible. You are in control-- these are choices that you are making and you have the power within you to control them.

Quote:
Its the same with the boredom. Pretty soon I'm bawling and if anyone asks me why its "because I'm bored and life sucks." A detached part of me is a bit relieved that the "tiny depression headache" has turned into a "depression migrane," because the feeling of being really upset is, well, not boring. Its actually extremely difficult for me to explain.

I understood that quite well (I think!). To me, this says that you are getting a pay-off (however unintentionally) from turning your 'tiny headache' into a 'depression migraine'. The pay-off is that having it be worse isn't boring. Does that make sense/ do you feel that would apply in any way? As long as you are gettting a bigger pay-off for escalation, de-escalation isn't the go-to guy. How can you make de-escalation a bigger pay-off mentally than turning that tiny headache into a migraine?
Quote:
The 'depression migraine' or the boredom / emptiness sometimes comes with suicidal ideation - for me it's thoughts that my life is worthless, thoughts of cutting myself or harming myself, or even thoughts of ending my life. Though I've never acted upon these thoughts, but the emotions are so difficult to go against. It just leaves me feeling defeated...

It's these thoughts that you can interrupt, thereby interrupting that cycle (perception=thought=emotion). I'll have more later, I just wanted to put that out there. The twisted thinking sections (and separation of stuff) can really help with this. This is that underneath-type stuff I was talking about before.

Bewild, I know I've just written a long post (again!) on the fly and still have not addressed your direct question about my quote-- I promise to later today. And fwiw, I think it helps when more than one person chimes in on a thread about the same topic......different pov's are always a plus in my book.

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"Pain is resistance to change."
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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:00 pm 
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One thing you can try is to visualize your feelings as boats floating down a river. You are watching from the bank of the river, or perhaps from up on a bridge.

You can get as descriptive as you like ... maybe the SS Boredom is kind of drab and gray, and nobody is aboard? See it however you see it ... you don't have to ride the boat, you can watch from up on the bridge.

If you find yourself losing the picture, getting caught up in the emotion, that's OK ... you accidentally boarded the boat. Just gently get back on the bridge again.

Happy emotions may come by too ... you might want to ride those boats :) But you don't need to cling to them desperately, or worry that another won't ever come by. Happy boats come and go too, moving down the river.


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 12:48 am 
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Harmonium, I hadn't really thought of the boredom/depression headache as something that could be de-escalated. I've obviously wanted it to "go away," but I'd never thought of merely diminishing it. Nevermind I wouldn't know how to go about that. I'm getting really impatient about all this stuff; it seems like improvement is possible, but its like chasing the end of a rainbow. I'm always asking myself "damn it, when will I finally get there?" even though I know there is no "there" to get to. So frustrating.

I'm starting to think that maybe meremortal's experience is more different from mine than I first believed. I have had the experience of sudden-onset suicidal/depressive mood, but what I'm talking about it somewhat different, though it would be nice to know how to handle myself when I have actually reached that point. Its so incredibly difficult to even just remember to actually truly pause.

I kind of see what path I could lead myself down with this. The idea of what pausing is, is one I can really get into some struggles with. Perhaps if I could somehow pull off the pause, I could remember what I had been thinking a second ago that was making me so upset and work through changing that belief.

Sometimes though, it really seems like I haven't been thinking anything, something happens and my immediate reaction is this inexplicable pang of emotion. I try figuring out *why* I feel what I'm feeling, usually coming up with a decent explanation, one that makes me feel worse and perpetuates the unpleasant emotion. I think that's what happens when the depression headache escalates. I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling kind of icky, and I end up making myself even more upset.

To me, this kind of speculation is fun, but I really want to make the transition from describing the problem to trying to solve it. I can't seem to do that though. It seems like every suggestion or piece of advice I receive I am able to reject. I guess that's a topic for another thread though.

_________________
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
This road is paved with good intentions because intent is irrelevant. Not all who burn are witches.
Sometimes the best way to get out is to keep going through.
Be wild: accept it as it is, for its a bewilderness out there!


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 Post subject: Re: Trouble handling boredom!
PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 10:30 am 
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Bewilderness wrote:
To me, this kind of speculation is fun, but I really want to make the transition from describing the problem to trying to solve it. I can't seem to do that though. It seems like every suggestion or piece of advice I receive I am able to reject. I guess that's a topic for another thread though.


A certain kind of "describing the problem" can be surprisingly helpful ... as a way of observing emotions, instead of just being overwhelmed and swept away by them.

In addition to whatever insight might be gained, even the act of observing sort of removes you by one degree, so you can see yourself as distinct from the emotion, and as capable of choosing your actions.


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