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 Post subject: How to deal with insecurity?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 15, 2010 11:39 pm 
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For the past three days, I've had an ongoing emotional cycle that runs like so: past memory of rejection/suspected rejection --> unbearable feelings of insecurity, self-doubt --> building "pressure" that leaves me angry, teary, and painfully uncomfortable.

Normally, that "pressure" is... never dealt with, I shuffle around trying to find distraction from it and inevitably something causes me to go off, either in the sense of losing my temper, or drinking too much and losing control, or self-harming to ease it, or something equally destructive.

What I'm trying to do, for the first time, is to get control of that cycle in my head--see if there's some way to address what's going on up there in a useful, long-term way. I try to stay mindful of the time I'm in now, but even still, those feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, and shame continue.

Biggest temptation is to turn to someone else and ask them to reassure me, but... I know from experience that probably won't really help in the long run.

I need to be able to reassure myself, but don't know how to do that, either, so for right now, until my therapy appointment next week... I'm just going to try and keep calm and not let this feeling do the driving, but I'm really hoping someone else has some suggestion, some past experience with this, some advice...

It's an acutely painful feeling--one that I have a great deal of trouble tolerating, and even my meds don't really help to counter it, so it's hard to think through what I should do, even, as well.


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 Post subject: Re: How to deal with insecurity?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:07 am 
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jadexmara wrote:
For the past three days, I've had an ongoing emotional cycle that runs like so: past memory of rejection/suspected rejection --> unbearable feelings of insecurity, self-doubt --> building "pressure" that leaves me angry, teary, and painfully uncomfortable.

It's an acutely painful feeling--one that I have a great deal of trouble tolerating, and even my meds don't really help to counter it, so it's hard to think through what I should do, even, as well.


I'm not sure if my experience is the same as yours, but it could be similar. I would have a past memory (or even based on current situation as the destructive anger has caused a loved one to be 'afraid' of communicating with me), then very unbearable pain.

And I would end up in bed, lying there, trying to cope with the pain but unable to. Which would result in me sleeping for hours.

What I found helpful (though it doesn't really solve the problem per se) is to either JOURNAL my feelings and express myself on paper (i.e: write a letter to myself), TALK TO GOD, or start listing down THE GOOD THINGS the person (whom I perceive to reject me) have done or have said to me.

It does help me feel better, and gradually changes my perception about the perceived rejection.

Not sure if it works for you :)


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 Post subject: Re: How to deal with insecurity?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 2:04 am 
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Wanted to say thank you again--writing things out in particular turned out to be really helpful, I found.

I also have started making lists of pros and cons to get a better idea of the "grey area" I find hard to see, sometimes, and that seems to work pretty well.

Found a few things suggested on another website (I just googled BPD and "building self esteem") in an attempt to counter my own insecurities.

The first and hardest part, I found, was just bearing that feeling at all, without asking others for reassurance or kind of... seeking validation outside of myself. I did the work, but I didn't really register it or feel any different, until one night, instead of falling back into the same pattern as before, I found myself thinking "No, I don't need this person to tell me who I am, right now. I know who I am."

It wasn't even an angry thought, it was more like it surprised me, but in a good way. Granted, right after that I got scared and found myself seeking approval from others to tell myself who I was, lol, but... it was still a major first for me.

The two areas I've been focusing on to strengthen self-esteem are:
- Positive self-talk, even if I just say "oh, that was so stupid of me." If I wouldn't say it to someone I care about or respect, I don't want to say it to myself, either.
- Mastery experiences. I pick a one-two small tasks per day that I know I can do well at, complete them, and then give myself a pat on the back. If I do something else that turns out unexpectedly well, I really make sure to internalize that feeling.
- Making sure to recognize the effort and the progress, even if they're small right now, just recognizing the commitment to improve is still something--a very good something.

It's slow going and I still bounce back to square one a lot so far, but I think it's like learning to use muscles I'm not used to. It takes a while to build 'em up to full strength, and it hurts, and sometimes I'll drop the heavier weights, but I'll get there!


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 Post subject: Re: How to deal with insecurity?
PostPosted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:06 am 
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jadexmara wrote:
It's slow going and I still bounce back to square one a lot so far, but I think it's like learning to use muscles I'm not used to. It takes a while to build 'em up to full strength, and it hurts, and sometimes I'll drop the heavier weights, but I'll get there!


I so agree! It takes a while to use these muscles, and sometimes it really really really hurts!


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