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 Post subject: teaching training starts tomorrow -update
PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 2:23 am 
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I am not goint to lie ... I am having major anxiety issues right now. I keep trying to remind myself that the anxiety before the event is ALWAYS more intense than the actual event. It's almost 2 a.m. and I still can't sleep because tomorrow starts the training and I'm just downright scared. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what is expected of me, and in less than a week I have to pretend to be an instructor (like I actually know what the heck I'm talking about) in front of 30 freshman comp students.

I understand my anxiety level is super high. So, the question becomes: How do I mitigate the anxiety if healthy ways in order to be okay going through the anxiety?

I know I am overreacting as usual ... it is just because it is new and I hate when I don't know what to expect. The good news is ... once tomorrow is over I will have a better idea of how this new environment will work, and then my anxiety will decrease. It is always the unknown, no matter how much one might realize that it is a future I have beem working towards for the better part of a year now, and I am finally realizing the first step towards my dream ... and now it is here.

So, what wacked perceptions am I unintentionally attributing to this situation? I don't have to be perfect. It's going to be a learning process. And, I have prepared as much as possible.

It's 2. I need to be up to 6 hours. And yet, I know that I have the capabiltiy to decrease my anxiety, but it just doesn't seem to be working right now.

Maybe it would help to itemize what I am scared of? I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to keep up. I am scared that there will be 30 18 year-olds staring as me, as the teacher and the authority, and I'm scared that they are going to see right through me and know that I'm not really sure what the hell I am doing. I've never taught a class before. The paid training should help I hope. At least, help me enough that I can at least feel somewhat confident going into this teaching situation. Or at the very least, that my "students" won't realize that I'm scared out of my wits right now.

My grad school classes start a week after this, and honestly, I am not that scared about that. I'm a good student. I know how to study. It is an environment I am comfortable with. The teaching situation on the other hand is another story.

Am I expecting to much from myself? That's possible as I do have a tedency to do that. I recognize that I just need to relax. I'm just having a hard time accomplishing that right now.

So, what are the dbt skills? Stay in the moment. Repeat the affirmation that I can handle a little anxiety knowing it will pass. To recognize that I am human, and typically my expectations for myself are much higher than the general public.

I'm just flat out scared. How do I handle that? Grit my teeth and bear it? Fake it until I make it? Try to take one moment at a time? I know that I, as usual, I am attaching emotional significance to events when I really need to accept the moment, accept myself, and truly understand that it will be okay, even if it feels like it won't be right now.

I intellectually know that once I get through this first day of training, I will in all probablilty feel so so relieved, because it is probably not as scary as I think it is.

And really, I can so do this. Yes, it is scary because it is new - new life, new environment, new city, new chapter. But, as my experiences have taught me - I am so much stronger than I think I am.

Affirmations:
I am love, light and kindness. I am courage in action. I can handle a little anxiety, knowing it will pass. I will be a great teacher. I have an innate ability to be passionate about writing and literature, and that innate ability will aid me in being a great teacher. I own my life. I own my life. I am unique. There's not another soul like me in all the world. I own ALL of me. I own my body, and I can do with it what I choose. I own my mind, with all of its thoughts and feelings. And, I own my emotions, both joyful and painful. I reserve the right to think and feel differently from others, and grant to others their right to thoughts and feelings not identical with my own.
I am safe and I am strong. I am courage in action. I am confident and effective in all that I do. I am confident and effective in all that I do.

It will take me a momen to acclimate - and that's okay. I am human and I am allowed to acclimate at my own pace. I am a good person. I am productive and responsible and I am so so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for. Heck, a slew of therapists can't all be wrong, ya know? lol.

This was helpful - to write out my fears and also to counteract those fears.

Thanks for listening, as always.

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: teaching training starts tomorrow -update
PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 3:47 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1059
Good going, pip! I hope everything has at least OK if not better than you anticipated today. Keep in touch!

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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