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 Post subject: These feelings are so overwheming
PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:49 am 
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Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 7:39 am
Posts: 11
Location: Cali
Hey everyone, I'm a newbie.

I'm feeling so overwhemed with my BPd symtoms. most of the time I feels as if i'm experiencing every emotion possible.

No one can do any thing right to satisfy me, this causes me to see them as all bad and I rage at them then they threaten to leave me and i beg them to stay and I apolagize over and over again, even though i'm not sorry ( I just don't want them to leave me.) Most of these relationship problems end up with me threating suicide in the end.

I'm not sure why I threaten suicide much of the time, Do I really want to kill myself? or am i looking for some type of validation?

Right now i am in hell, I know that would rather die trhen live with bPD. i'm doing everything i am suppose to do to get better i take all my medications as prescibed (ristiril,ativan,prozac, and geodon), i atttend therapy every week, and go to suoport groups everyday.

At this point, i'm not sure whta to do anymore. I'm miserable, it feels as if i'm in deep hole and i just can't crawl out of it. i'm dying inside, i just know it.

Everyday is a struggle just to stay alive and I'm not sure i want to fight it anymore.

I really some support right now. I hope someone can reach out to me.

GodBless!!!


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 Post subject: Re: These feelings are so overwheming
PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 4:21 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1059
Hi and welcome -

Nobody wants to live with BPD, but most of us don't really want to die, either. So we do live with it while doing what we can to get better. And it IS possible to get better, it is NOT hopeless, but you have to really commit yourself to doing some hard work.

The medications will not cure BPD. They might help to an extent with depression and anxiety and mood stabilization, but they will not fix the abnormal thinking patterns that characterize BPD. For instance, thinking that "no one can do any thing right to satisfy me, this causes me to see them as all bad...". Check out "The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking" in the box labeled "Tools" on the left. I'll bet you could, if you're honest, find more than one in just the little part of your post that I quoted above. Seriously "no one" can ever satisfy you? Why is that? Are they all really that hopelessly deficient in some way? Or are your expectations out of line? Or is "no one" an exaggeration? Are they really "all bad" just because you didn't get what you wanted from them? And why aren't you sorry when you apologize for raging? Do you think you have a right to treat them like that? Think about it.

Most of us do want -- and need -- validation. The lack of consistent and nurturing validation is thought to be one of the causes of BPD to begin with, at least for some people. But if you're prickly as hell and frequently threatening suicide, you're really unlikely to get the kind of validation you're seeking. It may get you attention, but that's not the same as validation, and negative attention for negative behavior isn't healthy for you or for the people you're interacting with. The suicide threats are actually a form of manipulation, which sadly to say is another frequent hallmark of BPD -- you're trying to prod people into behaving a certain way with you by threatening to hurt them by hurting if not killing yourself. If they do give in at that point and give you what you want, it's hollow for all of you. They feel used, and deep down inside, you know that what you did was mean and the return gesture was insincere and probably led to more resentment of you, which totally defeats the purpose of what you were trying to attain.

I don't mean to be harsh, especially to a newbie, but I gotta tell it like it is. Validation is all well and good, and if you stick around here and really work on changing your thinking and behavior, you'll get it. But if you just want to say "I'm miserable and everybody hates me" and expect us all to chime in and tell you how unfair it is that you're treated like that when you're behaving badly, it's not going to happen. Read through our other tools. I'm not saying they're easy to use right off the bat -- this all takes some hard work. But if you really really want to change, if you really really want this cycle of raging and conflict and manipulation to stop, it's doable. If you have any questions about the tools, ask away. We're here to help.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: These feelings are so overwheming
PostPosted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 1:13 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 7:39 am
Posts: 11
Location: Cali
Thanks for the reply.
You helped me out a lot. I had a lot to think about after I read your post.

You're not being harsh at all. i need to be told how it is. I appreciate your honesty.

I'm willing to work extremely hard in order to recover from BPD. I had no idea that the medications won't help me all that much. I'm currently looking for a therapist trained in DBT, near my home town.

My expectations of people are out of whack and I know that. I suppose when I said, "no one" can satisfy me that was a bit of an exxageration because my spouse can satisfy me much of the time.

I don't think it's right to treat people the way i do. i have a really good heart underneath all this pain and anger. However, i don't think i'm treating them bad when I rage at them. I'm angry with them for rejecting me in some way and I'm showing them how much they hurt me. I do know that my way of thinking is right and i need to learn to correct it.

I'm happy I have this place to turn to and people to tell ne when i'm acting appropriatly.


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