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 Post subject: issues with boundaries and relatives
PostPosted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 5:30 pm 
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I feel so incredibly bad right now. I told my sister (who is staying with me) that I was a little concerned because I am emotionally vulnerable right now with the amount of change in my life and with starting grad school and moving and that I was concerned because I'm not sure how to balance what I need out of life with trying to be a good sister and letting her stay here.

Besides the fact that I live in a very small studio, and we are constantly tripping over each other, I am concerned because even though, for the most part, D is healthy in certain ways (she's not like my alcoholic friend, she likes to exercise, etc.) she has some behavior patterns which we got from mom and dad, but she hasn't been to therapy a lot so those behavior patterns are really evident. Specifically, she can't relax and she is constantly worrying about the next thing.

On one hand, I have tried hard to incorporate dbt skills, and staying in the moment into my life so that I don't worry too much. I still have major issues with worrying constantly and typically If I don't catch it, I end up freaking out and doing something unhealthy. I am worried that since she has the same behavior pattern of worrying it is going to be extra hard for me to stay in the moment, and that being in this environment with her will derail the progress I've made in therapy, especially at a time when I'm pretty emotionally vulnerable myself.

I feel so incredibly bad. How do I balance being a good sister with my own needs? She cried. I cried. She is struggling with being incredibly depressed, moving out here (I'm the only one who said yes to her staying. My other sister and parents said no for their own reasons), leaving her children with her ex-husband, trying to find a job, etc.

She told me she feels unloveable and unwanted. And, I've seen how hard the last two years have been for her, going through the divorce, trying to deal with two special needs kids, trying to establish some kind of new life, attempting to re-enter the work world after being a stay at home mom for 12 years, and her being really depressed for awhile now.

God, I feel awful. I don't know if I should have even mentioned anything. The thing is, I'm afraid that if I don't mention something that the stress will just continue to grow from my end and then I'll blow up. I don't want it to get to that point.

I don't know what to do. I can't stand seeing my sister in pain. And, I'm afraid for myself as well.

I want to cut. I'm not going to, but I want to.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: issues with boundaries and relatives
PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 9:51 am 
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Sorry you are in such a tough spot :(


BPDpip5 wrote:
I want to cut. I'm not going to, but I want to.


Good choice! you're doing a good job, separating the feeling from the action.


BPDpip5 wrote:
God, I feel awful. I don't know if I should have even mentioned anything. The thing is, I'm afraid that if I don't mention something that the stress will just continue to grow from my end and then I'll blow up. I don't want it to get to that point.


My wife's DBT therapist has been encouraging her to tell me hard things ... things she feels she can't handle or do, that are really tough to talk about.

But like you say, if you don't, then the stress continues to grow. Better to be honest and have some pain now, than to let it grow and be worse later! So I think you made a good decision to talk about it with her.


What's going on with your sister, if you don't mind me asking? What's her custody situation?


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 Post subject: Re: issues with boundaries and relatives
PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 2:06 pm 
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Thanks auspicious for the reply.

My sister has joint custody of her children. However, she couldn't find a job in Rockford, IL, where her kides and ex are, and the ex wouldnt honor the joint custody and allow the boys to move with her to CO. So, my sister has to take him back to court but in the meantime she moved in with me so she could find a job and also because she was incredibly depressed in IL (the weather is is just awful, especially if you suffer from SAD) and she felt like she was drowning. So, she moved in with me here in CO. She is hoping and working hard to try to find a job here. Her plan is to find a job here, eventually move into her own place which is big enough for her and her two boys and take the ex back to court. She is only asking for 10 weeks in the summer and half of the major holidays, which is much less than the joint custody that she was supposed to have in the first place.

It is sad. Growing up, our family was pretty dysfuncitonal. D, being the oldest, got the brunt of it and unfortunately, imo, she repeated the cycle and married someone who is extremely emotional, who thinks in black and white and who was emotionally abusive. She finally figured out a few years ago that it wasn't working and that she couldn't live like that so she divorced him. But, the divorce and custody battle are unfortunate consequences, and she is desperately trying to rebuild her life and yet she is still in the midst of the fallout from the divorce/custody situation.

We talked last night. We both agreed she can stay for another three weeks, and then we will reassess to see what the best situation is for us both. I still feel horribly guilty because I hate that she is in pain and I hate that her staying here is causing some emotional friction. I am trying to be understanding and empathetic. And at the same time, I am trying to balance my own need for as little emotional chaos as possible.

And on that note, I have to get to school so I can attempt to take care of my own life as well. Life is just hard right now.

THanks again for your reply.

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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