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 Post subject: Question about the inner feelings of emptiness in BPD
PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:58 pm 
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so, i was diagnosed with BPD and depression. i've done some research myself trying to understand this disorder. i CAN relate to the thought patterns and fears of this disorder, BUT NOT with the behaviour. as in, the frantic EFFORTS to avoid abandonment. i am very anxious about being abandoned or rejected, BUT i'm not doing anything to change this, i'm suffering in silence accepting it, without trying to control people around me. another bpd symptom i have is the fear of intimacy and the difficulty getting close to someone;

BUT i'm not impulsive(no promiscuous sex, drinking, binge eating and so on). i'm just very lazy and i lack motivation when i don't have immediate rewards. i'm feeling numb, lifeless, often i just can't move out of my bed because i don't see any point in starting a new day.


i am rarely angry and have difficulty controlling anger, this rarely happens to me, and usually there are particular "triggers" that only take place inside of my family, for example when i feel misunderstood, and i have the feeling that my suffering was (and still is) ignored or not understood, because this is what i was feeling as a kid.

the most marked "borderline"-symptom is that I have ALMOST ALL THE TIME an empty mood, i feel lifeless, along with anxiety(the anxiety is more marked usually when i wake up and i also have nightmares almost every night, and night terrors). when i'm awake i usually feel disconnected from myself, i don't feel that i really exist. i can't control these feelings of emptiness and i find them very disturbing. i'm afraid i'll lose myself forever.

i also have moments when i feel the deep sadness inside of myself and i "get in contact with myself" but these moments are very rare, and they sometimes happen when i'm alone, sometimes when i start speaking, if i don't rationalize(somehow during speaking i become more aware of myself if i'm not anxious). these moments are very rare, yet still existent, but my worst fear is that i'm gonna lose completely the contact with myself forever! i really prefer being sad to being empty and devoid of life.

for me the main problem are these feelings of emptiness.and the fear of being rejected and left alone. and feeling defective, undeserving of love. my problems are NOT anger, not impulsivity, not controlling others, not devaluating or hating others(i only hate myself), not seeing the world in black and white(i see the world in grey shades to black...and when i fall in love with someone, only then i see the "white" side of the world, though it's very hard for me to trust someone and get close to).

is this Borderline Personality Disorder? do you have borderline personality disorder? can you relate with my symptoms? can a person with bpd feel empty and devoid of feeling almost all the time as the most marked symptom of the disorder? or do you experience more intense, disturbing affects on a daily basis?

i'm unable to discuss it with my doctor at the moment. but i'd really like to know your opinion. thanks!


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 Post subject: Re: Question about the inner feelings of emptiness in BPD
PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 3:49 pm 
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First of all, WELCOME TO BPDR, Violet!

Well, as the saying goes, there are 256 shades of BPD. I really only know the stages I went through with any degree of certainty.

The chronic emptiness, though, seems to be more a part of the depression than of Borderline. When they talk about "no sense of self" in BPD, it's not so much "feeling empty inside oneself" - it's more like "I don't know who I am so I'll be who I think this person in front of me at the moment probably wants me to be."

Until the full site and all the content gets back online, I'll paste this in here for your reference:

As you know, there are nine diagnostic criteria and, of those, only a minimum of five need be present for a diagnosis of BPD to be made however an individual may present with more than the five, up to and including all nine.

When we say that there are 256 types of BPD, we don't necessarily mean that there are 256 distinct presentations of BPD. The number - 256 - is based solely on a numerical combination algorithm rather than clinical research, observation or determination.

How did we arrive at the number? To help illustrate the combination algorithm we used, we'll simply rely on the counting numbers, one through nine.

If an individual needs to show a minimum of five of the nine diagnostic criteria to be diagnosed with BPD, they are not limited to which of the criteria need to be present. That means that a person who displays 1-2-3-4-5 of the criteria is just as Borderline as a person who displays 5-6-7-8-9 of the criteria or a person with 2-4-6-7-9 or 1-4-5-8-9, and so on.

Furthermore, the more criteria that are present, the more combinations are available.

Please keep in mind that the basic combination algorithm does not take into account the severity of the symptoms displayed. If a person displays self-mutilation in the form of cutting and burning (in accordance with the fifth diagnostic criteria) and another person's exhibition of the same criteria presents itself in the form of hitting him or herself in the leg, the degree of severity is obviously different.

Similarly, the fourth diagnostic criteria indicates a person needs to display impulsivity in at least two areas. Perhaps for one individual, that might be spending and reckless driving; perhaps for another person, it might include spending, reckless driving, substance abuse AND promiscuity. Again, a different level of severity.

Lastly, please keep in mind that BPD is generally found to be co-morbid with at least one other disorder and that co-morbid disorder may also present symptoms which add to or exacerbate the presentation of the Borderline symptoms.

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