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 Post subject: What's up?
PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 4:12 pm 
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What's up with YOU lately?

I'm just finishing Week 4 of my final 16-week semester of school before I graduate. I'm enjoying the Web Design class so hopefully we'll see some good things happening around here before too long. I do want to get the bulk of the content back online before the end of the year.

My dad just came out to visit last weekend. My husband's brother is coming to town this weekend. I met an online friend in person (they came over for dinner) for the first time a few weeks back. I've "known" her since well before BPDR existed, before the book was even an idea - so yeah, it was exciting to finally meet her in person.

I've been having some pretty chronic migraines / tension headaches that have gotten to the point of debilitating. I've had my eyes checked. They're fine. I've been to the allergist. No major allergies. I've been to the orthodontist. I only have a very, very mild case of TMJ so nothing that would cause this kind of nearly-constant pain. I've been to the neurologist in the hopes that the occipital nerve block would relieve things. It lasted only 6 hrs and the pain came roaring back. I've been to the General Practitioner doc a few times. I've tried Topamax (made me cranky but still allowed serious headaches through which was worse professionally & personally than just having a migraine.) I've tried Frova and Maxalt. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

Trying to keep that BPD impulsivity, I saw a chiropractor recently in lieu of dropping $1,500 on a new mattress (though I do think I'll ultimately get a new one cuz this one's at least 20 yrs old.) Hopefully in about three weeks, I'll have things aligned and non-spasmy and feel better about the world again.

Work is work. No changes on that front. Yet. :luck

So really, what's going on with YOU? Got any big plans as we head into the holiday season (ack!)? What have you accomplished in the last while or what are you currently working on that's exciting to you?

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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 5:05 am 
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Ash wrote:
I've been having some pretty chronic migraines / tension headaches that have gotten to the point of debilitating. I've had my eyes checked. They're fine. I've been to the allergist. No major allergies. I've been to the orthodontist. I only have a very, very mild case of TMJ so nothing that would cause this kind of nearly-constant pain. I've been to the neurologist in the hopes that the occipital nerve block would relieve things. It lasted only 6 hrs and the pain came roaring back. I've been to the General Practitioner doc a few times. I've tried Topamax (made me cranky but still allowed serious headaches through which was worse professionally & personally than just having a migraine.) I've tried Frova and Maxalt. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.


My unsolicited advice about migraines, based on my wife's experience, is:

1. Get into a migraine specialty clinic as soon as possible.

2. Keep your primary care doc in the loop! Especially if you see a bunch of specialists, or keep changing things you try, pretty soon nobody is minding the overall store, so to speak.

My wife went through a months long migraine treatment nightmare, where most of the time the "cure" was worse than the disease ... all the different meds tried messed with her psych meds and really had her messed up a lot of the time. And, it seems, caused rebound migraines.

Anyway, end of unsolicited advice :)

Ash wrote:
So really, what's going on with YOU? Got any big plans as we head into the holiday season (ack!)? What have you accomplished in the last while or what are you currently working on that's exciting to you?


Just hanging in there with my wife ... who is hanging in there with DBT, despite some very rocky times and setbacks (more hospitalization, separation for awhile, but we're back now). I love her and still have lots of hope for good things in the future :)


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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 7:01 am 
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Ash, hope those nasty migrains will go away soon :)

Auspicious: you are really a good husband!


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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:26 am 
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I've been self-employed since November, but over the past month or two business has really taken off. :D I'm now in a position where I can start to pay back my debts, which is wonderful. I'm still loving working from home and I find it less destabilising when I have deadlines to keep me focused.

I start my (part time) PhD a week on Monday! :o

My partner has a new boss, and is loads happier under her, as the new boss values her skills and experience, works with her as a team, and doesn't deliberately try to exclude her from office social events (sadly, none of these things could be said of the old boss).

I've been gardening and growing my own veg with mixed success. Right now I'm dithering because I've weeded a bed for planting chard and spinach, I want to dig in some compost, but I can't decide which kind to use. *sigh*

I changed meds in May/June (came off Celexa, increased Remeron) and my mental health's been reasonable since. I got away from the T whom I found overly controlling. I'm making my own mistakes and learning from them. I'm undecided right now whether I need further therapy or not, but I'm getting myself onto the NHS waiting list, so that I'll at least have that option in about a year's time.

Ash - hope you find some effective treatment for your migraines soon.

Lirael

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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:16 am 
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I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I am a person living with BPD, though it breaks my heart to be in such pain, and to be causing pain to others especially close friends.
I've been crying a lot in this process.

During the two weeks of semester break, I had some good times with people. Went to visit the Zoo and had some fun times hanging out and chatting with some people.
I did not manage to catch up on work, though :( Work begins tomorrow again...

I read about 10 pages of the book, "BPD for Dummies" :)

My body's adjusting to the Seroquel XR. No longer feel as drowsy and as drugged as before, though the sedation effect is not totally gone yet.

I slept the whole day today, after missing good hours of sleep at youth camp.

I'm slightly anxious about going back to work tomorrow! Loads of assignments to grade, and backlog work to do!


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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 6:23 pm 
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A serious mix of good and not-so-good...

The not-so-good first:

I had a horrible fight with my brother. Fortunately it took place in cyberspace and not in person, or it would have been even worse. I said a bunch of things to him (and about him) that I absolutely still believe to be true, but after weeks of thinking about it -- during which time he totally cut off any contact with me or my kids -- I decided that I was wrong to say it. It was selfish on my part. We're as different as two siblings can be, a lot of the time we don't like each other very much, but we do care about each other. I very much disagree with a lot of decisions he has made -- and continues to make -- but I don't have the right to tell him how to live his life. There was nothing constructive in what I said, it just tore him down and was unnecessarily hurtful. So I apologized -- in an e-mail again -- and he more or less accepted it. So we'll never be best buddies, but hopefully we'll never get to the point of completely cutting of contact from each other.

Then there's my son. Twenty-seven, struggling with depression for the last 8-10 (at least) years, working for his father in a job he hates. His moods are all over the place, but increasingly he's expressing a whole lot of serious anger about all sorts of things. Part of me is glad he's finally venting stuff he's been stuffing down for years, but the problem is, he's unable/unwilling to let go of it. So it's still eating him up. He sees a shrink (when he doesn't forget or sleep through the appointment -- self-sabotage, much?), takes medication which has helped to a degree, but because he found his previous two attempts at therapy to be, in his opinion, useless and a waste of time and money, he is resisting trying again. He is very smart, but it's hurting him because he tries to intellectualize everything, and try as he might, he can't reason his way through his hurt and anger. He has intermittent suicidal thoughts, but because his sister's best friend killed himself 8 years ago, he has promised he won't do the same out of concern for her. He told me he has basically no good memories of childhood outside of a couple of trips that we took, and is totally clueless about what a dagger to my heart that was, as I tried so incredibly hard to give both the kids a happier and more stable childhood than I had. I don't know what I can do for him, other than tell him that I love him and always will -- he has to figure this out for himself, though I will help him pay for his medications and therapy if he'll go. I'm sad for him, sad for me, frustrated, and just don't know what to do.

Now the good part: I took a wonderful 3 week trip to Maine in August. All by myself, all by car (5400 miles, including detours to Chicago and Philadelphia). Loved everything about being back there. The ocean, the granite rocks, the trees, the little towns. Not a single road more than 2 lanes (aside from a few passing lanes on the up-side of a hill). Nice people. Basically no strip malls. Very few big-box stores. Simple, unpretentious architecture. Dogs everywhere. Most of that is the polar opposite of where I live now, in FL, where it's 6-lane roads everywhere, strip mall after strip mall, endless really bad pseudo-Italianate architecture that I'm sick of, and a lot of people who think they're fancy hot-stuff but who are bores. I've been thinking of moving away for a while now, for the above reasons plus the fact that I'm tired of the baggage that's left here from my divorce, my frequently obnoxious ex, my hospitalizations, and the "friends" who ditched me when I was going through all that but who I still run into and have to make nice with. I was thinking of going back to IL where I grew up, but now I'm seriously thinking of going to Maine. I have 2-3 years of stuff I need/want to finish up here before I leave, and that gives me time to figure out where I want to go and how to make it happen. But it's a goal, the carrot in front of my horse, and I'm going to do what I can to catch up to it. Taking this trip was a goal that took me several years to pull off, but I finally got there, so I feel like there's hope that I might end up somewhere I might be happier than I am here.

BPD still rears its head from time to time. I still have depression issues, though I really noticed a lifting of my mood while I was on my trip. It's hard to say whether that would sustain itself if I was actually living there vs. just vacationing, but my growing restlessness where I am now is going to keep pulling me down if I do nothing. I'm a year and a half into a four year course of study (not full-time or for credit or anything, but definitely thought-provoking and enjoyable so far) of Christian theology. I'm doing some volunteering at a therapeutic riding center for the disabled (both physically and mentally/emotionally), and reaping the benefits of getting out of my own head and doing something for others. All in all I feel like I'm still making progress -- slowly, and with some backsliding at times, but overall forwards.

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I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:45 pm 
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Auspicious, so far the chircopractor's advice has been doing well by me. Even though I should be moving around (walking) more than I do (not just for overall health but to work some of the tension & toxins out) I can't always be as active as this desk job demands so when I start feeling a dull throbbing in the back of my head, I spend 15 mins with my ice packs across the back of my head, neck and right shoulder. Sure enough, I've gone five days without a significant headache and haven't had to take ANY medication for headaches at all in that time - which is virtually unheard of lately. I've been acting as my own advocate though, on the premise that I know my body best and I'm thrilled at the prospect of NOT having to incorporate a headache medication into the mix.

I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are back together and hopefully the hospitalizations are behind you both now. Is the DBT stuff helping? I've not gone through it and have only a high-level understanding of what it's all about. (My snarkier side says that DBT is simply a commercialized form of CBT but I digress.)

Lirael, being solvent is a probably a HUGE relief, eh? I sure hope you're as proud of yourself as we and I am of you! You went from job security working for someone else, lept into the vast unknown to start your own business (following your bliss), from worrying about getting clients to having a good book of clients that (for the most part) are acting professionally and paying you timely so that you're able to move past the "oh, what have I done" stage and into "now my life is on the track I wanted" stage where things are moving forward pleasingly. Good for you & S! I'm also glad to hear that she's happier at work. I can completely empathize with how sucky and demoralizing a bad boss can be. It can really mess with your head and sense of self identity. Congrats - to both of you!!

Mere, before I get into the other stuff, I want to say that I have an immediate affection for you simply based on your user name. Back "in the day" (wow, a good 15 years or so ago now), I was friends with a girl who had the AOL user name MerelyGod and we used to refer to her as Mere all the time. So by default, anyone going by "mere" must be a good person!

That said, the pain will get better in time. The more tools you learn, the easier it will become to avoid inflicting pain on others. With the passage of time and through introspection, you'll accept that the past is the past and cannot be changed. You can learn from it but it can't be changed so there's no real point in beating yourself up over it.

Are you in school as well or do you work at a school (vis a vis the reference to semester break)? Just curious by nature, I suppose.

Sari, wowsers, no wonder Sari Sightings have been harder to come by - you've been a busy lady! I'm sorry to hear about the fight with your brother but it sounds like you're both moving through it well enough. If you think back to some of your less-than-stellar moments in your life, I'm guessing you could easily imagine how much worse it could have been. There are those sayings about how you don't get to pick your family and it sounds like the two of you are in that predicament. You're not exactly peas in a pod and probably wouldn't choose each other as close friends or confidants but you ARE family and you're bound by blood.

I can only imagine how hard it was for you to hear your son say that he has virtually no good memories from his childhood but please try to see it through the lens of depression. When we're depressed, it's really dang hard to find good things or see life (in general, past-present-or-future) as anything but Suck. I don't know him at all but I would imagine that since he doesn't equate childhood with happiness, perhaps you could nurture him now. I think you've been around BPDR long enough to have seen so many people come through here looking for "the mother they wish they'd had." I'm not suggesting that you re-invent yourself nor am I suggesting that you play therapist for him. I'm simply suggesting - if he's amenable to it - that you provide some consistent support for him (outside of money for therapy & meds.) Check in on him regularly, send him hand-written notes in the mail (when's the last time any of us got a hand-written note or letter in the mail?!), help him focus on his future and goals and help him come up with plans to reach those goals.

Remember too that you probably DID give your kids a happier and more stable childhood than you had. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they had an idyllic childhood, you know what I mean? If you're feeling up for it (strong enough, "blank slate" enough where you're able to take things he says as observational things like you would here rather than personal knives to the heart), maybe ask him about certain times in his childhood. Not so you can explain yourself and what was going on in your marriage or anything like that. Ask him what he was feeling, what he wishes would have happened differently, things like that - things we poke and prod at around here. The more he can verbalize about what he wanted, the more he'll come to recognize the source of his anger.

A friend of mine once said that depression was simply anger without enthusiasm. If he can identify what he's angry about, he'll finally be able to address it formally and move into the realm of the existential paradox. Quoting the paradox to him probably won't do much good but if you can gently use the Socratic Method to get him to see that he's responsible for his own happiness these days ... well, I think that would be about the most wonderful gift any parent could give a child. And considering all the helpfulness you've provided around here over the years, I think you have all the knowledge and wisdom necessary. The real question just becomes: is it something the two of you could go through together? Is he open to your consistent presence? Are you able to view those types of interactions with him as if you were at BPDR talking to someone you don't really know well or have a vested interest in / long history with? It's really hard to do - believe me - but I truly believe that you have an incredible opportunity. You wanted to give your kids a better childhood than you had, I get that. But as an adult, you also wanted to get some sort of closure or inner peace with your own mother for the childhood you had. You were robbed of that due to your mother's dementia and subsequent passing but as a woman who just traveled thousands of miles solo and has a three-year plan to start a new life in Maine (just about as far from Florida as a person can get without going to Alaska!), you're certainly young and vital enough to embark on that process with your own kids. And you never know, you might have a dual-payoff ... you might witness your kids (especially your son) move into a place of acceptance, releasing the anger, taking charged of their own lives and moving happily & confidently into the future - while at the same time, as you are their mother, you might gain some insight, empathy and understanding toward your own mother.

But before packing up the house and renting the moving truck, I would suggest a week-long vacation in the heart of winter (late Feb / early March-ish) to Maine just to see if you're still up for the bone-chilling cold.
;)

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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 4:58 pm 
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Me? You ask about me? Well....

As you may or may not know I quit the job at the cable company almost 3 months ago. Wow, time flies. I hated it there. Couldn't make it more than 4 days in a row without taking an FMLA day. Finally walked in one Monday, went to the director, said in a very polite way this place sucks and I'm leaving. Actually, I said this job just isn't for me. She went on about how much they loved me and how great I was at my job. I said, thanks. Bye now!

Did I have a job lined up? No. I did have a job INTERVIEW lined up. Plus, I now had all sorts of free time to focus on my paralegal classes. Because I already have a bachelor's, it's only going to take me a year to finish the paralegal curriculum.

So where did I interview? A law firm. And I got hired. I was out of work for 3 wks, and 1 of those wks I spent temping. So I was hired to be the part-time fax coordinator. I know it sounds like a bullshit job. I thought it was. Until I did it. The variety of correspondence a law firm gets is amazing, and you have to know the difference between similar documents so you route them to the right person. On my first day there, first thing they did was call me in for a meeting. I'm like... this can't be good. Well, they wanted to know if I could work full-time. Hold on. More money. Benefits. Hmm. Sure!

Did the whole fax thing for three weeks. An opening came up on the trial coordination team, and I thought it would be too cocky of me to say I wanted that job. Hell, I'm still going to school! Well, the job came to me. Mrs. S. feels I really can do the job. So, I've now been doing it on my own for a week. All I have to say is...yay Ativan!

And finally, home life. My kitties are still psychos. And three of them are considered "seniors". My 13 year-old acts like he did when I got him. My other two seniors are a bit cranky, though. Hell, they're the girls. They've always been cranky. And the baby? He's a spaz. And I love him. And things are going WONDERFULLY with my husband. A lot of you don't know, but he and I almost split up in the spring. He is an amazing man and we are really working things out, not ignoring problems, pretending nothing happened.

So, all in all, life is good. (Now, it you want me to start telling you about my mom and sister and aunt... well that's a whole 'nother story.)

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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:59 pm 
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I've become heavily involved in my church as an elder. We're building a new building -- seems like a good thing until you realize that we have lost so many members that we couldn't afford to heat and cool our old building, so we sold it and are building a much smaller building with the proceeds. And let me tell you, this has been an awful project, and I have spent more time angry at church than anything else lately.

I am co-chair of a committee to have a particular historic road in Indiana named a state historic byway. The road was built in the 1830s and stretches from the Ohio River to Lake Michigan. A log cabin was recently found lurking under the siding of a house slated for demolition on the road near my house; I ended up on the local TV news briefly to talk about its historic significance. Here's a link to the story and video.

I now manage 11 people at the software company for which I work -- two test automation engineers, three software testers, one IT guy, and five technical writers. I've also picked up the responsibility to see that our product's user interface is localized into French, Mexican Spanish, German, and Japanese. I have a lot of autonomy and freedom and quite frankly love my job.

Stuff's still not good with the ex, but it never will be good, and that's that. My 13-y-o son seems to be turning into a well-adjusted young man. My 11-y-o still has serious focus issues whether via ADHD or Asperger's but he has turned a corner in the past six months in terms of his ability to hold a meaningful conversation and show affection.

I've been slowly remodeling my bathroom all year. I am still dealing with IBS and had the worst flareup of my life during most of July; I almost checked myself into the hospital a couple times. My gastro gave me some excellent advice to help me manage it better and so things have calmed down. I have been fighting insomnia all year and finally went to the doctor for it in May; he put me on Trazodone every night and let me tell you I am 1,000% better now. Omg, what a difference good sleep makes. Finally, I've been exploring US 50 across Indiana on my off Saturdays and have been having a blast photographing things along that road and blogging about them. (jimgrey.wordpress.com if you're curious).

I continue to be spread a little too thin, but overall I'm having fun.

Peace,
jim

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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 8:11 am 
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Ash wrote:
Sure enough, I've gone five days without a significant headache and haven't had to take ANY medication for headaches at all in that time - which is virtually unheard of lately.


Yay! :)


Ash wrote:
I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are back together and hopefully the hospitalizations are behind you both now.


Thank you! I hope so too.


Ash wrote:
Is the DBT stuff helping? I've not gone through it and have only a high-level understanding of what it's all about. (My snarkier side says that DBT is simply a commercialized form of CBT but I digress.)


Well, I think it's helping ... sometimes it seems to be, sometimes not. She had had three steady months of it before her most recent hospitalization, so in one sense it didn't "work", but in another sense she had seemed to be doing so well before it happened.

I guess the idea is learning skills ... so it takes quite a while to sink in, to get them really rooted so they are there in times of potential crisis. That seems to be the idea, anyway.


Ash wrote:
(My snarkier side says that DBT is simply a commercialized form of CBT but I digress.)


:)~ I've had that thought sometimes too :)

Certainly my wife is very partisan about it ... she denigrates non-DBT therapy (like, say, strongly implied, the therapist that I see) as "talk therapy" where supposedly the therapist just listens and agrees with you all the time.

But how much of that partisanship is really coming from the DBT therapist or materials, vs. how much is just coming from her, I'm not sure.


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 Post subject: Re: What's up?
PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 4:54 pm 
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Hey, Lirael, Trinity and mobilene, it's great to have updates from you, and hear that you're doing well.

Ash, you too, and I'm glad that your headaches eased up a little. And thanks for your words of advice. I know that W. is seeing things through a lens of depression, but it's hard not to feel sad when he's so sad, and angry, about so much. He lives near me, and I usually see him or talk to him once a week or so, if not more. I'm trying to be as supportive and helpful as I can, but it's hard, because if I push too hard then he withdraws and shuts down. Sometimes I'm annoyed that he isn't more willing to be pro-active for himself, to get himself unstuck, and instead just keeps doing all the stuff that hasn't worked for him, but then I remember how hard it was for me to come out of the fog of depression enough to be able to even think, for starters, and then to be able to risk the changes I would have to make, which was scary. Then other times I'm simply overwhelmed by his sadness, I get to feeling inadequate as a mother and at least partially responsible for his depression (whether genetically or through less-than-ideal nurturing or both), and soon I find myself needing help myself. It's hard for me to stay on a narrow middle path with good boundaries, where I don't get overly caught up in his distress.

I'm trying everything I can to get him in to a therapist, including offering to drive him if he ends up going to one in another town. But mostly all I can do is suggest and offer, and he needs to figure out what he wants and then do it. I'm not sure he's ready for the paradox yet, though it's something I totally believe in; I'm still trying to get him to acknowledge that all his thinking and intellectualizing and confiding in his best friend just aren't working, and that he really needs a Plan B. I'm not going to give up, though -- I'm determined that someday he's going to be a productive and at least reasonably happy person. He really wants to someday be married and have a family, and I hope that he'll do what it takes to get there.

As for Maine and winter, I have no doubt that it will be a major adjustment. But if I weren't going there, I'd probably go back to Illinois (Chicago area), and if anything, that's worse. It's actually not the cold that concerns me, because I don't mind that as long as I have heat and appropriate clothing. But the darkness -- late sunrise, early (4:30pm in either place) sunset -- does make me a little nervous. In Chicago, just to compound the short days, it is endlessly cloudy and gray, day after day, even when it's not raining or snowing. I asked at least a half-a-dozen people in Maine about winter along the coast, and they all said that the ocean tempers the climate a little, and that in between storms, the sun is out, which to me sounds better than Chicago. Obviously my plans could be a big bust, and maybe I would find it unbearable, but at this point in time I really think I want to leave Florida regardless, and those are my current options. If I go to IL, I'll have my sister and an old friend nearby, but I'll have to deal with the cloudy weather for months. If I go to ME, I'll have a couple of cousins within a short drive, the ocean, and hopefully more sun. I may try to get up there for a bit during the winter before I actually commit to a move, but even then, appearances can be deceiving -- last winter was incredibly mild, warm, no snow, and if I'd had a practice run then, I'd have a slightly skewed view of what a more "normal" winter is. The same would be true if my week or two coincided with a severe cold snap or heavy snow. The good news is I have time to figure all this out.

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I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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