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 Post subject: I need guidance - someone please help
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:08 pm 
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I posted last week - Denial is my friend....
My denial has come and gone in the past week, but right now I just need someone, anyone to tell me what to do. Someone who understands, someone who's been there... My beautiful, wonderful 9 year old daughter told me last night that sometimes she's scared of me - that sometimes she things I'm going to hurt her, physically. Oh God! Who have I become? This is heart wrenching...I am falling apart!
I have never harmed her physically, but I understand what she means because my anger and rage scares me. Right now what I want to do, what I think is the best thing for my family, is if I leave. I could not bear hurting anyone physically and I can't bear continuing to hurt everyone emotionally, verbally & mentally. I have nowhere to go, no money...I'm so lost. I wish I would just die.


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 Post subject: Re: I need guidance - someone please help
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:45 pm 
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Hi Helena -

I moved your topic because we mostly use Welcome Wagon just for introductions, and maybe more people will see it here.

I understand that you can't afford therapy right now, but is there anything you have learned from your past counselor that you can draw on now? I know that sometimes when I'm away from therapy or my T is unavailable, I find it helpful to think back to times we've talked about past times when she's helped me see a healthier solution to a problem. I sometimes even imagine her in miniature, sitting on my shoulder and whispering in my ear, telling me "whoa, slow down, you're not thinking straight, let's try this instead."

Another thing that I think might be helpful for you... Call a family conference at a time when you're feeling relatively calm and stable and there are no major conflicts going on in the family. Tell your husband and oldest child that you know you sometimes get too upset or angry or whatever the issue is, and that you also know that that's upsetting to everybody else in the house. Tell them that you need their help setting some boundaries. From now on, if you start yelling at them, or doing whatever it is that you do that is frightening them, they are going to say to you "That's unacceptable to me, I'm not going to stand here and listen to it. When you are willing to talk about this calmly, then we'll discuss it," and then they're going to walk out out of the room. If it's possible, your husband can even take the kids out of the house for a while. And you, if you're serious about stopping this cycle, are NOT going to follow them or try to stop them, but are going to do whatever you can do to settle yourself down, whether it's take a shower, punch the pillows on your bed, journal like crazy, or whatever. And then when you're feeling better, you're going to apologize.

Obviously the 2 yr old can't really do this, and I don't know if your 4 yr old is mature enough, but even if he/she can't say all the words, he can say "I'm going to my room now, Mommy," and then go there.

I have no idea what the triggers are for the times you "lose it," but with 3 young children, I'm sure you have to deal with the usual fights, temper tantrums, etc., and that used to be something that would get me upset. I had wanted to be a "super-mom," and have the kind of home where "kids could be kids" and my children's friends would be welcome to visit. Unfortunately I discovered that I simply could not stand the chaos and running around and raised voices. But I knew I didn't want to constantly be yelling at my children for doing what kids do, which is play, sometimes roughly and loudly, so I had to find ways to a) try to keep myself calm, and b) retreat to a safe place when I felt like I was going to lose it, so they didn't have to see me self-destruct. One time I remember my daughter was pulling my strings like crazy, and I ended up shutting myself up in my closet; another time I went in the bathroom, and just yelled until I calmed down. First, of course, you need to make sure that your kids will be safe if you go hide for a few minutes -- you can't leave them alone in the kitchen with the stove on, or in the bathtub, or anywhere where they might be in danger -- but the point of all this is to put some space between you and them when you feel like you're going to explode, before the explosion happens.

The other thing I would say is to study, and really try to practice, our "Tools" (in the box on the left). They really are helpful. Read through them, and if you have questions about them, don't hesitate to ask.

Dying or leaving isn't a useful solution to your problems. Your kids need their mother, and you disappearing on them suddenly is going to cause them more hurt than working on your issues and learning to manage your emotions.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: I need guidance - someone please help
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:08 pm 
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Thank you Sari for your quick, much needed response. I'm so glad you were out there to write me back. There's so much, too much to cover to even begin to give anyone an idea of my daily life, my triggers, etc, etc... Recently though with my daughter it's how she talks to me, doesn't listen to me, total disrespect. She's learned this from me and I hate myself for those things and so then my hate is projected onto her when she's acting like...me. It gets even harder when she's happy and totally respectful to her dad. I feel hated by her because I don't ever experience that with her. I'm in one of those incredibly low places that the things I could glean on from the past just aren't helpful...because I'm so, so low. Does that make sense? But I did do the one thing that I have done in the past that's the last thing on my list - I've taken a strong anti-psychotic...these usually put me to sleep in about an hour. That way I'm sure I don't do anymore damage.


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 Post subject: Re: I need guidance - someone please help
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:10 pm 
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Is your daughter the 9 yr old? If so, she's entering those "pre-teen" years which get so complicated -- hormones start kicking in, they're absorbing all sorts of stuff from outside-the-family culture which includes all sorts of ways to diss parents, and so forth. That being said, she probably has learned some bad behavior from you. But when she starts to cop an attitude, the worst thing is for you to go off on her, which just reinforces to her that that's the way your relationship with her is always going to be.

I can relate so much to this struggle. I was the oldest of 3, though we were all closer in age than your 3. And my mother and I struggled with each other forever, really until dementia caused her to basically "forget" how to push my buttons. (I'm 58 yrs old, btw, and never heard of or was diagnosed with BPD until I was 50 -- though had significant depression my whole life.) We had horrendous fights during my pre-teen and adolescent years -- it was awful, for both of us. I think a lot of what led to this was that she was very self-absorbed, and totally inconsistent to me with her mothering -- sometimes warm and loving, other times angry and shaming, and still other times, basically just disinterested in me and my feelings. I never, ever really trusted that she loved me, and that poisoned our relationship.

So when your daughter starts in on you, try as hard as you possibly can not to react by erupting at her. Just as I said in my previous post that your family can draw boundaries and establish that they won't interact with you when you're raging, you can draw boundaries with her that you won't respond to her when she's trying to manipulate you. Tell her, as calmly as you can, that you will be willing to revisit whatever the issue is when she's willing to talk about it without anger or screaming or whatever. Read The Four Agreements in the "Tools" section, and really practice them -- don't take things personally, don't assume you know what's going on with her without asking her for clarification, be absolutely impeccable with your word (say what you mean and mean what you say), and always try your best. But most of all, keep her safe, tell her you can see that she's angry or upset (validates what she's feeling) but clearly communicate the consequences of bad behavior, and most of all, ALWAYS let her know you love her no matter what. It's her behavior you don't like, not her herself. Mouthing off is bad, but she isn't bad, if you see the difference.

Btw, girls, especially (I think) oldest girls, often have a close relationship with their fathers. I was way closer to my dad than my mom, even though he was usually either distant or very strict. And my daughter, who is my older child, was glued to her father, and still, at 30, more likely to confide in him than in me. I used to resent that, bigtime, but in time I learned to accept it, and worked to find ways that we could spend time together, doing stuff that was just the two of us. So try not to get annoyed with her for what may be just a natural affinity between two people, or pick on your husband because he is closer to her at this point in her life than you are, or give her more reasons to reject you in favor of him. Try to work with your husband (out of earshot of the kids) to work out an agreement on what is appropriate punishment for misbehavior, and then the two of you can present a unified front when she acts up, so she can't end up playing one of you off the other. If she sees more consistency from you, knows what she can expect when she screws up or mouths off, and knows that no matter what, you love her unconditionally, she might settle down, though there will inevitably be challenges as she enters her teen years.

I understand the low feeling, and the self-blame, and all of what you're going through. I think you shouldn't get too carried away in thinking it's all your fault. You didn't develop BPD in a vacuum -- for most of us there is some history of emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse or neglect, or some other kind of chaos in the home, and we learned coping mechanisms that are highly dysfunctional. They can be overcome, though, if you're willing to really (and I mean REALLY) work on yourself, trying to suss out what's really going on with your emotions, doing a lot of reality testing to assess whether what you're feeling or thinking is accurate, and setting out every day to manage your emotions so that you're more stable within your family unit. It's perfectly OK if you're frustrated or angry or depressed about something, but it's not OK to take excessive emotion out on the people around you. Find alternative ways of letting it out -- as I mentioned before, a bath or shower can help, punching the pillows on your bed (behind closed doors) can let out a lot of aggression, and getting some exercise (walk, run, put on some music and dance, etc.) also helps. And do your best to get adequate sleep and eat well, on as regular a schedule as you can manage. Taking the strong medication might seem like an unpleasant last resort, but maybe, if you're at crisis stage, it's the best tactic in the short run -- you can taper off of it as you work out a game plan for dealing with the conflict in your family.

Tools, tools, tools! I can't say enough how helpful they can be.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: I need guidance - someone please help
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:58 am 
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Just wanted to say I feel for you, even though I don't have the same situation, I think it comes down to different factors too.. my kid doesn't care if I get angry even though I've seen adults afraid of my anger - and certainly other kids probably would be if they saw it - depends on each individual child's temperament.

Don't be so hard on yourself.. realistically, is her life with you really that bad? There's a million worse things that could be actually happening to her than only being scared of something that's not going to happen. If that was all I had had to contend with in my childhood I'd be doing a whole lot better than I am!!

As for being perfect for daddy, we go through the same. Soap gets in her eyes with daddy, tiny whimper. If it's me, full scale screaming. Bed time with daddy, gets in and goes to sleep, bed time with me, three hours later she needs drinks and the toilet and cuddles.

I hate kids :/


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