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 Post subject: Unemployed Again /w Disorders & Little Hope
PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:40 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:53 am
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I am a 35 year old male, who suffers from a number of disorders including BPD, Bipolar, GAD, SAD, OCD, PTSD, and what I believe to be TBI syndrome. I am recently unemployed and scared. Scared due to my disorders getting in the way of living a normal life. I was more or less laid off as of tonight and have been sitting here stressing out cause I dont know where I will be able to find a job that will deal with my issues on a regular basis. For the most part, and for a short period of time, usually 3 - 4 months (5 months if there is no episodes I have to deal with as far as dealing with myself) I can work a job.. You can say I am am very sensitive when it comes to my own feelings and I either get very hurt by what someone says and, for the most part, i take things the wrong way, however, I internalize it all. The pain from the hurt will turn into deep sadness. The sadness, in time, will turn into a black hole of dispare. In which, after some hours go by, can turn into anger and loathing. At times even rage. I have learned to deal with myself when I am faced with any of these issues. Which is to isolating myself away from everyone and everything. Due to my disorders Ive been working in jobs where I am usually working alone or fairly isolated. I did manage to work 6 years as a bartender. However, I either had to drink some before my shift just to get by, or drink at least 2 pots of coffee just to keep myself in a hyped up mood so I wouldnt be concerned much if I misundstood someone and took what they said the wrong way. At 35 yrs old however, I am faced with 150 over 110 blood pressure from doing all the wrong things just to get by. Now I am faced with possibly having a heart attack. I am trying to change these all by omitting all those bad things however. Like the coffee, or just having one cup every other day. And by either not drinking as much or just once a week.
I have been to see many counselors spanning all the way back from when I was 17yrs old to last year. However, the last counselor I was seeing told me that many people that sit in the chair, I was sitting in, usually make themselves out to be worse then what they are just to try and get on disability. I took this as he was talking about me, and since have stopped seeing him. Thing is, I could care less about being on disability. I dont even want all these disorders. I hate myself for the way I am and how I get at times when dealing with these disorders. I even am having to force myself to stay single due to being to hard to handle when my episodes show up. I was told by one of my counselors when I was 29, due to the BPD (back then) that I was going to be on a emotional rollercoaster ride for the rest of my life. And who ever was going to be in my life was going be on that rollercoaster ride right along with me.
Since then Ive had a few relationships and have come to the conclusion, that counselor was right on the button. I cant be selfish and have someone be in my life and go through the things I go through on a daily basis. ...... I also dont take any medications for my disorders. I have done extensive research on my own and have come to my own conclusion that man made medication is not the way to go. Mind you, I dont recommend anyone stopping their medication for any reason. I just believe there is a more natural way to handle these disorders. Since my last counselor, I have stopped seeking professional help altogether. In my home town and with as many professionals as Ive seen. Id rather try my own attempts at handling and dealing with my disorders. Not an easy route however. It had been a very trying exprience. And a very lonely one to boot. I am writing this posting not to gain the sympathy of others. Nor to have anyone feel sorry for me. What I am trying to do here is reach out to others that might have some advice on what route to take with making a living and dealing with my disorders at the same time. Im not very good at being around large or small crowds of people for any period of time. I usually have small to intence anxiety attacks when Im forced to push myself into even going to the store for food at times.
I usually spend large amounts of time alone and isolated in my home. When im at work Im usually doing the same things to avoid any triggers that might start off on a episode. In the past, Ive either had to give my 2week notice, get fired, or laid off due to not being able to handle my disorders. At the job I was just laid off from, Ive even walked right out of the building in the middle of my shift without saying a word cause my episode had esculated to a flight or fight moment. I just dont know what to do. This job is only seasonal work and I have a hard time finding new work or doing work where I can handle being around people. Im finding that as time goes on, things are getting worse. However, with some of the reseach Ive read It has givin me hope. That in time these disorders will get easier to handle with the older you get. That usually around 40yrs old they tend to start temping, or leveling off. So, that is some good news to look forward to. I have looked into some online business's through out the years. However, I just dont know which ones are legit or a scam. I know I need to get into doing something productive to where I can support myself. I really dont want to be homeless again. Been homeless 4 times in my life and it is absolutely no fun whats so ever
I want to thank each and every one of you that takes the time to read this posting. I appreciate your time and your comments. I hope you all have a great and wonderful day and may God bless you all
Casper


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