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 Post subject: crazy mothers. How do you deal? how would u deal?
PostPosted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 11:57 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:28 am
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Location: Ohio and Alabama
Hi everyone, I guess my main issue lately is with my mother. I am hoping someone here can relate or explain what is going on from an observer's perspective.

just the facts.
my mother took an overdose 27 years ago in front of me. she went to counseling but never considered that her child might have issues from witnessing that-- she says now that I should be over it.
she constantly told me she was going to pack up and leave me and not ever come back if dishes, laundry or some minor chore was not done. I was terrified bc she would have left me with a pedophile in charge of me.
When I discussed the abuse with her she told me not to ever tell anyone bc really bad people would come take me away. She now denies ever knowing of the abuse and acts like I am crazy.
Even though she talked about leaving me, she wanted to adopt her ex husbands niece bc she was in a bad situation- she constantly criticized her mother's ability to parent and acted like she was perfect.
my mother has been diagnosed as a hypochondriac however this is the only diagnosis that she denies having.
She daily stabs me in the back. It can be simple. We make an agreement on something small or large and she does exactly the opposite. For example, she said she would pick my daughter up from daycare at 4:30 and bring her home to me, she didn't bring her or call me or answer my frantic calls until after 7pm. We agreed that a getting renters insurance would wait one month, meanwhile she goes in and signs up for it. We agreed that cabinet 1 and 2 were hers and 3 and 4 were mine. She put her stuff in mine.
She says she is unaware of what she is doing and it is not puposeful. Even her therapist said it was intentional and she is sabotaging me. She is always the victim. I am tired of being to blame just bc I have bpd she says it is all me. There is so much more I could tell you but not enough time or space. What is your opinions? Im thinking of cutting ties with her she makes me very unstable. She seems to set things up so I will get angry, scared, hurt. The list above about ins, cabinets and my daughter all happened within the last 4 days. it is awful. what do you think?


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 Post subject: Re: crazy mothers. How do you deal? how would u deal?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:03 pm 
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Hi Lindamarie -

Sorry it took a couple of days to get your post up --

My mother wasn't quite as erratic as yours, but still pretty nuts a lot of the time, and a constant cause of serious distress to me from my childhood right up 'til her death a couple of years ago -- I'm 58, so she had a lot of time and practice to push my buttons.

I don't know what your resources might be, since it sounds like you and your mother share a living space at the moment, but if it's at all possible, I think putting some space between the two of you -- at least temporarily -- would be a good plan. Disputes about cabinets are one thing, but leaving you in total limbo -- and panic -- about the whereabouts of your child for hours is a whole different and much more serious animal. If that had happened to me once, it would be the last time I asked my mother to have ANY responsibility for my child, and I would have definitely considered cutting her out of my life for a period of time, until or unless she managed to convince me that it would never happen again.

Please bear in mind that we're only getting your side of the story. It certainly sounds like she has set you up for some major emotional distress over a long period of time, but since I don't know either of you or have any way to verify what you have said, I have to be cautious when it comes to writing her off as a total nut. But when it comes to the safety of small children, I'll stick my neck out.

It seems apparent that you don't trust her, though, and so you need to figure out what will be best for you and your child. If you haven't already, check out our "Tools" in the box on the left -- there are techniques there for evaluating your thinking and doing some problem-solving. If you do some reality-testing and determine that your are solid with your assessment of your mother's ability to cause chaos and distress in your life (i.e. you're not exaggerating a few manageable problems or catastrophizing or whatever), use the Five Steps to figure out a few alternative solutions (e.g.: [a] move out [b] just don't let her be involved in caring for your child [c] let it go for now and see what happens --- those are just examples of possible choices, and you would need to make those determinations on your own).

Regardless of what she's done to you in the past, it's what's going on NOW that matters. You can't rewrite history -- what was done was done, and may or may not be forgivable. But if what she's doing in the present is damaging to you or endangering either you or your daughter, it becomes more imperative that you either set and enforce some serious boundaries or get away from her.

Good luck!!

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: crazy mothers. How do you deal? how would u deal?
PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:56 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:28 am
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Location: Ohio and Alabama
Hey thanks for the input. I am seeing a therapist now. My therapist has recommended I apply for public housing for now so I can get out. but there is a long waiting list. So, as soon as I have enough cash I will be out of the living arrangement. It is just so hard to deal with my mother. My therapist seems to think I will be much better able to deal with my own mental health away from my mother. She really helped me understand a lot about my issues and what I need to do for my daughter.
thanks,


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