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 Post subject: Letting things slip
PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 4:02 pm 
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This year's been soooo good. I've built my strength up to previously unknown heights and the rewards have been brilliant. I quit smoking pot and cigarettes in January, and even stopped drinking for 3 months. It's all been very hard, but I was loving life in a way I'd never known before.

Then after 8 months of pretty vigilant self care, I began smoking cigarettes again. Things just started to slip; I could feel the change in me immediately. Profound: I had no idea that smoking could be so impactful on my mental health.

Now I'm all completely addicted again and have found that my drinking has increased (not smoking kept my drinking down bc drinking was unenjoyable without being able to smoke, and it was too tempting to smoke that i just kept my alcohol intake right down). All of this has effected what had become quite a stable financial situation. And all kinds of subtle self care regimens and attitudes have slowly (well rather quickly) gone out the window.

In fact, every corner of my life has been effected again. Not necessarily hugely, but no longer can I say I'm on top of it all. I'm not. I keep thinking that quitting smoking is step 1 to resolving these problems, but quitting smoking isn't as simple as that. Each morning I compulsively reach for my cigarettes. I'm reaching for a lot of emotionally avoidant things right now. I want to be back where I was, but the flip side of it is that where I was, was actually quite hard too. Constant self care isn't instinctive, and I was quite lonely. Without any of those avoidant activities going on, I was constantly "present", which was often very confronting. Confronted by loneliness and fear. But of course I was getting through it, learning about myself, lessons that stand to this very day.

Now I find that what I've been working towards this year, a holiday overseas, may not be possible. I've got myself back into debt and the four weeks annual leave I have to take (bc my work shuts down for 4 weeks) may be spent wasting my holidays. I worked without a day off all year to save up that annual leave and I just have to take it over the new year period. It's so expensive flying at that time, and if I quit smoking today, I could probably manage the $$. But I'm low, and just don't feel ready to quit. I've tried perhaps twice a week since I started again, but my heart's not in it and I've gone no more than 3 days before picking up another cigarette.

I'm posting bc I have to come clean about what's going on. I've not been in denial about myself, I don't think, but I've been presenting a facade to others that everything's under control and it isn't. The solutions seem so simple. But the reality is that they're not. I'm smoking this very second.

I don't want this, and what I had before was good but hard. My self-destructive streak has taken over and now I feel afraid, stressed and a bit frantic. I don't know what i want people to respond with, but, hmmm.... maybe some support, advice, anything would be nice.

Thanks.

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 Post subject: Re: Letting things slip
PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 4:19 pm 
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Hey Sarah, I hear you. I've slid back into some old behaviors this year that are ineffective coping mechanisms. I wish this stuff were like turning a corner never to return again to the way things were, but it's really more like a swinging pendulum. The thing is, as you keep working at it, when the pendulum swings the wrong direction maybe things don't have to get as bad as they once were, and they don't have to stay that way long. Maybe you can start to swing the pendulum in the other direction. But I think it all starts with being gentle on yourself.

What have you done in the past that has helped you stop smoking? Have you done the patch or something like that? I guess I'm just wondering if you could turn to things that have worked in the past. Of course, it all starts with you being willing to take those steps. Willingness has been my problem this year; I would really rather reach for the easy, but unhealthy, comfort of old behaviors.

Peace,
jim

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 Post subject: Re: Letting things slip
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:05 am 
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mobilene wrote:
Of course, it all starts with you being willing to take those steps. Willingness has been my problem this year; I would really rather reach for the easy, but unhealthy, comfort of old behaviors.


Oh yeah, I've been there. It seems crazy that when you just know what will help you then still need to find the willingness to do so! I'd much rather reach for unhealthy, comfort, old behaviours, as you say.

And part of that unwillingness seems to come from how confronting and generally difficult it really was to be doing the new stuff. What I said before, being present meant being around when I was feeling lonely, rather than stuffing cigarettes or some other distraction in my mouth. The loneliness was also about just spending time with me and my feelings. And for those first few weeks when I let go of the ball were great, bc I had confidence behind me, and something fun to do (if it was unhealthy). Blah, enough analysis.

SO yeah, I always use patches when I quit smoking bc going cold turkey in the past has triggered major depression. I have a box of them here, it's the willingness that's lacking.

I called my Dad tonight and told him all of my concerns about going OS; the financial strain and the resultant fallout that would create in my life early next year. It felt really good just saying what was on my mind that i hadn't yet voiced to another person. It felt so good that it made me realise that I just cannot go OS. Allowing that realisation to permeate was surprisingly met with relief rather than the anger of not being able to do what I want to do. I've also decided to speak to my boss about having to take my entire year's earning of annual leave in one go. Perhaps we can negotiate a week or two. I'll try it out anyway. It's the least I can do bc I feel angry about it. I must try to seize control of those things I feel I'm being deprived of. At least try, and then whatever anger I feel is not towards myself. Worst outcome, I'll try to spend a couple of weeks of my holidays working rather than wasting my money. I'll see how I go, bc I do need some time off too.

Tonight I made myself a reasonably decent dinner. It felt nurturing. Better than frozen food or takeaway which is how I've been feeding myself lately. Another positive step.

Tomorrow morning and cigarettes: I'm still undecided. I can already taste the coffee and cigarette breakfast substitute for food and it's good. Hmph. Every week I say 'next Monday' and next Monday swings around and I'm so depleted by my cigarette filled, late night weekend, that I just grab the fags and think 'next Monday'. It's a hard one. Understanding addiction doesn't necessarily create the impetus to conquer it. But I had a good meal and I'm not drinking, which is an improvement on my last 4 Monday nights.

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 Post subject: Re: Letting things slip
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:06 pm 
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It takes time and steady effort to climb out of a hole after you've fallen in. Start with nurturing dinners, then move to the next step, whatever that is, and then the step after that, and later the step after that. You don't have to get back on track all at once, and I submit that if you tried and then failed you'd be even deeper in the hole than you were before. Easy does it. jim

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 Post subject: Re: Letting things slip
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:46 pm 
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Thanks Jim. Good advice. I'm working on getting my home and car back in order for the next couple of days. Manageable. When i've nothing left to sort out it's a lot easier to quit smoking.

I appreciate your support and advice here. Thanks.

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~ Sarah


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 Post subject: Re: Letting things slip
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:47 pm 
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Hey Sarah,

I have always got a lot out of your posts, so thank you for sharing. You also set a really good example as one of the leaders with your honesty.

Firstly, you'll need to excuse me. I am not the best writer.

That said, I know what it is like to take a fall and commit myself to pick myself back up. But i know no matter how great the fall, it isnt impossible, no matter how it may seem that way. We have all been there at some point.
I am beginning to learn that recovery is that it isnt a liniar process either. As much as i wish it was. It is more like 3 steps forward, 2 steps backward. Sometimes, we can take as many as 6 steps backwards or even go right back to the beginning! Its what we choose to do about it and our attitude towards it is what matters most and as long as we keep working towards our main goal, recovery.
Given you have worked so hard, and your recovery is evident to you and people outside, you know you have the capacity to move past this. You have all but now planted a seed and to some level, you harvested really great results because your rose budded. Mentally you cant forget this. Your rose is not a great place right now because it has a few weeds growing over it, but they can be removed. The main thing is that your rose is still firmly planted in the ground waiting for you, it just needs to be nurtured. Perhaps that very first part of nurturing it could be as small as forgiving yourself, stop beating yourself up and accepting you made a small mistake in the overal scheme of things. You dont need to keep paying the price for it. Maybe then consider going back to AA meetings as i understand you were once doing, assuming this ceased. Any small step forward is good. There mere fact you confessed that you starting smoking and drinking again, could by all account be considered a step forward in the right direction too. Your not hiding from the truth. You could have if you wanted to and nobody would have been any wiser. But you didnt do that. It demonstrates your level of commitment to recovery and why i have faith you'll move past this hurdle. So go easy on yourself and keep building on your inner steangths.

Just a side note. I found a quote which spoke volumes to me and i thought you might like it too. It seemed fitting to something you said.

"You gain stength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face" - Elanore Roosevelt.

God bless that woman, she came up with some crackers!

Take care sarah.


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